My situation and the many questions. - 06/01/08 07:08 PM
Hi all,
I am new here, I posted another thread with specific questions about plan A, but have so many others I thought I would lay it all out there. I will start with my history,
H and I have been married since Aug 2002, We dated 2 years before that.
We lost our first daughter 2004 in a late 2nd trimester loss, I think that day was the the beginning of us not meeting each other emotional needs. Up until that point we were both devoted Christians. He says that day he turned his back on God.
We then had our daughter in 2005. I completly stopped meeting his emotional needs. I was so focused on the baby that when she was 6 months old he told me he was leaving. He moved out of our house and into his parents for 7 months. He came back, but honestly we didn't work on the marriage. We would have maybe one date every 4-5 months, and poured ourselves into work, school, and most of all our daughter.
In Dec 2007 I started feeling like he was hiding things, I confronted him, and he denied anything. Then the first week in Jan 08 I came home from work and all his things were gone. He handed me a letter and left, again moving to his parents. I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks later. We had started counseling right away.
In Feb 2008 a good friend of ours saw him leaving a bar with another woman. Then a few weeks later I found a valentines card in his car from another woman, and he still tried to deny and lie about it all. Even in counseling lying. Finally 2 days later he confessed. They had met up a handful of times, and gotten physical, kissing and fondeling. He called her in front of me, left a message on her cell phone that he was married (he had told her he was divorced) and that they couldn't talk to eachother ever again. He also told me the affair started in Feb the night my friend saw them.
He swore up and down it was over, but I was skeptical. I didn't know about the SAA book yet.
We continued counseling, and once in awhile he attended church with us. he wsa still living at his parents.
Then in March Easter weekend, I woke up bleeding and we lost our 3rd baby again in the second trimester. He stayed at our house while we delivered the baby, and through the week following. He cam to church with us and they started a 5 week marriage series. He agreed to stay home though the series and that we would both try to do what the pastor recommended. On the 4th week, another pastor and his wife testified about how they survived an affair in their early marriage. I took a lot from the sermon, and H said he did as well. Then 2 weeks later, I was on his computer and found a love letter from OW#1 dated early January. I also found emails back and forth from March. He said he was helping her with a power point presentation, which he was, but all her emails talked about how she loved him and missed him. And he didn't tell me about the emails, I discovered them as he was trying to hide them I confronted him about it, and he admitted the affair had actually started in January before he left. He still claimed no contact since the emails.
We met with the pastor the next day and him and his wife agreed to mentor us. He said we needed to read SAA. My husband was super on fire leaving the church that day, and totally committed to moving forward.
The next day I went on a 5 day trip with my daughter. (somthing I totally regret) During this time he met with the pastor one day while I was gone.
When I got back we immed got into arguments, and when the book came in he always had an excuse not to read it. I felt like somthing was not right, but when I confronted him, he denied.
He was still hiding money things from me, like the password to our joint checking acct. When I confronted him about it he got crazy defensive, and then didn't come home that night.
I talked with my pastor and he said he thought the affair wasn't over, and that his behavior was pointing to that. He encouraged me to keep reading the book.
The next day H came home to tell me he wanted a divorce. He agreed to stay home until the divorce was final.
My pastor encouraged me not to give in, and to search more for evidence. So I did and found many many text messages from one # followed by long phone conversations. I reversed looked up the number and it was a new woman. A teachers aide at his school.
I also found text messages from OW#1. He still had contact with her.
When I confronted him about OW#2 he said that nothing physical had happened yet. But that he was thinking about it. He also admitted that OW#1 texted him still and sometimes he got bored and would reply.
The next day his mom got him a new cell phone under her account, and he cancelled the one in my name. :eek:
So with my pastor's advice I asked him to leave. (I also am second guessing this) He moved out 5 days later.
In all this its important to me to point out that I am deeply religious and will not divorce for any reason. I am commited to my covenant, and will stand for my marriage until the day I die.
So here are my questions:
How do I work to meet my husbands emotional needs while he is living somewhere else?
Do I let him come to me? Or do i call him, text him ect?
How do I work on a plan (right now plan A) while being a standing wife. I feel most confused by this and plan B (since some of the things seem to contridict eachother- standing for restoration and plan B)
I have some (many) more, but thought I would start with those few.
I'm sure I have stuff to fill in too. Sorry if there is gaps.
I am new here, I posted another thread with specific questions about plan A, but have so many others I thought I would lay it all out there. I will start with my history,
H and I have been married since Aug 2002, We dated 2 years before that.
We lost our first daughter 2004 in a late 2nd trimester loss, I think that day was the the beginning of us not meeting each other emotional needs. Up until that point we were both devoted Christians. He says that day he turned his back on God.
We then had our daughter in 2005. I completly stopped meeting his emotional needs. I was so focused on the baby that when she was 6 months old he told me he was leaving. He moved out of our house and into his parents for 7 months. He came back, but honestly we didn't work on the marriage. We would have maybe one date every 4-5 months, and poured ourselves into work, school, and most of all our daughter.
In Dec 2007 I started feeling like he was hiding things, I confronted him, and he denied anything. Then the first week in Jan 08 I came home from work and all his things were gone. He handed me a letter and left, again moving to his parents. I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks later. We had started counseling right away.
In Feb 2008 a good friend of ours saw him leaving a bar with another woman. Then a few weeks later I found a valentines card in his car from another woman, and he still tried to deny and lie about it all. Even in counseling lying. Finally 2 days later he confessed. They had met up a handful of times, and gotten physical, kissing and fondeling. He called her in front of me, left a message on her cell phone that he was married (he had told her he was divorced) and that they couldn't talk to eachother ever again. He also told me the affair started in Feb the night my friend saw them.
He swore up and down it was over, but I was skeptical. I didn't know about the SAA book yet.
We continued counseling, and once in awhile he attended church with us. he wsa still living at his parents.
Then in March Easter weekend, I woke up bleeding and we lost our 3rd baby again in the second trimester. He stayed at our house while we delivered the baby, and through the week following. He cam to church with us and they started a 5 week marriage series. He agreed to stay home though the series and that we would both try to do what the pastor recommended. On the 4th week, another pastor and his wife testified about how they survived an affair in their early marriage. I took a lot from the sermon, and H said he did as well. Then 2 weeks later, I was on his computer and found a love letter from OW#1 dated early January. I also found emails back and forth from March. He said he was helping her with a power point presentation, which he was, but all her emails talked about how she loved him and missed him. And he didn't tell me about the emails, I discovered them as he was trying to hide them I confronted him about it, and he admitted the affair had actually started in January before he left. He still claimed no contact since the emails.
We met with the pastor the next day and him and his wife agreed to mentor us. He said we needed to read SAA. My husband was super on fire leaving the church that day, and totally committed to moving forward.
The next day I went on a 5 day trip with my daughter. (somthing I totally regret) During this time he met with the pastor one day while I was gone.
When I got back we immed got into arguments, and when the book came in he always had an excuse not to read it. I felt like somthing was not right, but when I confronted him, he denied.
He was still hiding money things from me, like the password to our joint checking acct. When I confronted him about it he got crazy defensive, and then didn't come home that night.
I talked with my pastor and he said he thought the affair wasn't over, and that his behavior was pointing to that. He encouraged me to keep reading the book.
The next day H came home to tell me he wanted a divorce. He agreed to stay home until the divorce was final.
My pastor encouraged me not to give in, and to search more for evidence. So I did and found many many text messages from one # followed by long phone conversations. I reversed looked up the number and it was a new woman. A teachers aide at his school.
I also found text messages from OW#1. He still had contact with her.
When I confronted him about OW#2 he said that nothing physical had happened yet. But that he was thinking about it. He also admitted that OW#1 texted him still and sometimes he got bored and would reply.
The next day his mom got him a new cell phone under her account, and he cancelled the one in my name. :eek:
So with my pastor's advice I asked him to leave. (I also am second guessing this) He moved out 5 days later.
In all this its important to me to point out that I am deeply religious and will not divorce for any reason. I am commited to my covenant, and will stand for my marriage until the day I die.
So here are my questions:
How do I work to meet my husbands emotional needs while he is living somewhere else?
Do I let him come to me? Or do i call him, text him ect?
How do I work on a plan (right now plan A) while being a standing wife. I feel most confused by this and plan B (since some of the things seem to contridict eachother- standing for restoration and plan B)
I have some (many) more, but thought I would start with those few.
I'm sure I have stuff to fill in too. Sorry if there is gaps.