I am not sure how many of you have read my other post, "Shock and Awe..." but more has come to light.

I felt that I did not have all the info, it just was not going down right. I found a lie detector guy who said he would do the test, he would come here. His usual price is 350 and only 3-4 ques. were allowed. I asked him if that price was set in stone, gave him some back ground and he told me he would do it for 200 but to tell my spouse it was the 350. His experience was most of the time the test was not even needed once the cost was known.

When my spouse came home I told him that I just had no comfort level with having all the truth being told and without it there would be no way to decide on any kind of future. So, he had to take the test or pack. He started packing. I went in there while he was and stayed on him until I found out what it was.

During this 26 years of affairs, during our 37 year marriage, he had also had an affair with a man. And, one woman had performed oral sex on him in my kitchen when I was not here. Those were the two things left. He knew how I would feel about any sexual contact in our home, but, an affair with a Man?

At that moment, I did not really react. I had been sort of expecting or thinking it mhy be a man, he was introduced to sex by another male as a child, so I was not surprised, but as time went by and I dealt with that while it was not regular by any means, it did go on for 2-3 years, and this man is a mutual friend, I am beginning to not be able to breathe.

I mean the whole ball of wax, anal, oral, both giving and receiving. Five women and now a man.

I am having to take klonopin everyday to not have a physical, violent reaction and they are trying to get me to a specialist who deal with bi polar, as I am bi polar2, but I also have MS.

My ears are ringing, I feel like I am in another world. I had just bought a new red convertible Saturn Sky and I could not care less if that car ever left my drive way. Bath? who needs one. My daughter had to physically restrain me from attacking him on one day this weekend, I can't remember.

It is all becoming too much ya'll. I love this man, he is getting help as hard as he can and I know that he loves me, but I am going to die here. I am so tired, please overlook misssed words, typos or words left out. That is an MS thing and I just am not up to going over it...

(((Jane)))

I have no words....I can only imagine how devastated you must feel.

Right now, all you can do is just take care of yourself. See your doctor. See a counselor. Take your meds. And don't do anything drastic until you are in a better place.

OMG, Jane!!!

That is HORRIBLE!!

I remember your story but I can't remember...you have been tested for everything, right?

OMG.

You need to get this toxic person OUT of your LIFE!!!!

I know you love him but you MUST do it!! He is getting help? What kind of help?

I feel so bad for you, Jane!! I don't know what else to say. I wish you were in front of me so I could give you a big hug.

((((((((((Jane))))))))))

Just hang in there, Jane. It will get better. I know it doesn't feel like it will and it feels like it never will again but it WILL.

Stay close to your family, except for HIM.

Take care, Jane.

Charlotte

Have you ever considered he may be a sex addict? Just a thought.

And girl--take a bath. A nice, long, soapy, sudsy, bubble bath. You need the relaxation. Do whatever it is you usually do to relax.

Take your meds (this is VERY important. I have a bipolar family member and if you, like they, do not take meds for it then it could spell trouble).

Try to relax and realize--you cannot trust him right now. He would rather leave than take a test to "prove" himself innocent. So I suggest, in the interest of keeping yourself calm and keeping the dark side of your bipolar issue away, just let him go right now.

Karmasrose has a good point.

I have a link you might want to check out. It is the link to S-ANON, a 12-step group for the co-addicts of sexaholics - much like AlAnon


S-ANON


here is a little info copied from their website:



Hope & Help

In S-Anon we discover that there is hope for changing our own lives. We hear others, who were once in similar situations, tell how they are solving their problems and growing into the people they want to be. Whether or not our friends or relatives ever seek recovery, becoming aware of our own self-defeating behavior in a safe environment like S-Anon is a major step toward freedom and recovery.

We found that when we did take positive action to help ourselves, help was there for us in S-Anon. We found love and support when we shared with and listened to other people who had similar experiences and feelings. This became a basis upon which to build a new life. Sharing with other group members showed us that no situation is really hopeless, and we can learn to see our problems in a new, more hopeful light. Our experience has taught us that we do have choices, and we need not feel trapped in an impossible situation.

Gotta love the Allman Bros. Think for the first time in years a fatty would not be a bad idea.

He is seeing a doctor two times a week. The work that they are doing is now getting hard. It has taken them three weeks or more to get to this point, just finding out who he is, where he came from, how he could have been set up by his upbringing to be inclined to these actions. So, I am hoping in his sessions, they may make some significant headway in the next thirty days but the doctor told him from the start this will take over a year to work through, to try to figure out why. But, now the hard stuff is coming and I feel like he may have some things come out with the doctor that I have never known and maybe even he has never dealt with.

The hardest thing of all of this is that I never knew any of it except when I first found out about the orgininal affair in 1983, and he felt like he was in love with her. He stayed with us but that was torture for three years and by that time I was able to take care of the girls, I was working, so along with child support I felt we could make it and kicked his [censored] out.

THe thing that makes me the angriest of all is that when I kicked him out in 1986, I looked good, I felt good, the children were old enough by then I could have some social life, and my life was the best ever. I asked him when he left to go to that woman and find out if there was anything. I told him that she was single. When she met my husband she was married, got divorced, married again, and was divorced again within three years. So, I told him go to her. As much as it hurts me, this hurts more. I cannot live like this. That stupid Ahole did NOT even call her that entire summer. Not one time. No his stupid a$$ comes back, and I was not really happy about that. Then, starts an affair with her in like 87 or 88, then an affair with my co worker around the same time. THe coworker was a one time thing, but he woed her forever. He kept the affair with woman one going off and off for years. I caught them talking two other times and kicked him out, and he begged back. Said that they were only talking. Now here is the rub. Why, Why Why did he come back? Why? I did not have to have him. His time line was actually #1 was a stranger one night stand when I was pregnant with our firtst child, 1972 #2 was Tanya a mail room girl at his job, one time event 1983. #3 was Vivian 1983, 89, 90, who he thought he loved, but when he got back with her knew he did not, #4 was Millie who I went to high school with and she was a teller at the bank where I worked 1989 #5 was Jeff off and on from 1992 to 1995, and this last one #6 my friend Patti was from 1995 until May of this year when I finally caught up with them. He says that he had stopped the sex and that they were only riding bikes but I call BS on that. He still had the cell phone she gave him so he could call her and he was still calling her every day twice. The cell that I made him destroy with a hammer.

But this man thing, well, all of it. Do any of you understand these things? With Vivian, when they hooked back up, he would run in, screw her really quick, throw his clothes back on and run home. Always. He screwed Patti in the bed of a pick up truck with a camper for years until one of them got an SUV, then they used one or the other of their SUV's. He screwed Vivian the last go round in 98 in the bed of that truck.

No Valentine cards, co Christmas gifts, no birthday cards or gifts, nothing. Is that the way it was with you guys? I mean come on. If you are gonna screw me, it is going to be in a hotel room and you better get me gifts and csrds when it need be. I am sorry. Are these women desperate, just complete trash, or what?

Oh yes, definately. When he thought that he loved Vivian, I was devastated, a 31 year old mother with four kids aged from 5 to 11 who were all in pain. And, had I known he had gone back to her in 89 and 90 and 91, I would have had so much more insight. He is the BEST damn liar i have ever met.

The thing with him is that I think that he is a good person with a problem, now can that problem be fixed? and another thing is, why do I get the prize that has testicles hanging to his knees, eating viagra and getting man boobs, ok?

bumping

Yes, please continue taking your meds. My WH was on medication for bipolar - and when he stopped taking them - well, that's when the (censored) really hit the fan!! I do believe on some level if he were still taking them he would not have asked for a divorce in May.

Remember to think about your well-being, physical, mental, and emotional and take care of yourself!!

This is just my opinion of course...but it is time to get away from this cancer of a man. No matter what the "supposed" reason is for his actions, he is dragging your entire life through a meat grinder. You would do well to totally remove him from your life and IF in two years he has demonstrated consistent and dramatic changes in his life, you can consider taking another chance at this marriage.
For right now though, you seem like a woman that has FAR TOO MUCH of her mental health wrapped up in a man that has proven he cannot take care of it. If you continue going the way that you are...given all of the information you have at hand, then you are CHOOSING a path that will lead to your eventual physical and emotional demise. Choose differently and start living a life and FIND YOURSELF.
No man, no woman, no relationship is worth you sacrificing your mental and physical well being due to serial infidelity and abuse.

Get out while you still can and be a great parent, grand parent and person. Learn what life can truly be, before it is all gone.

I emphatically agree with everything MEDC said.

Please take good care of yourself.

(((InsaneJane))))

InsaneJane - are you really ready to put an end to this?

Insanity = doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

I'll bet that Sky would look pretty good on a single gal, all dressed up and ready to meet the world on HER terms.

One last question, how much is "too much?"

Now get in the Sky and burn some rubber on the doormat as you stop being the doormat.

Amen, FH...and medc!!

IJ, please step away from this completely, and for a long enough period of time that you begin to come out of your own fog. You will see things much clearer. You cannot change the past and the fact that you didn't D him years ago, but you CAN change your future. You may not be 30 anymore, but you still have a LIFE to LIVE. I would bet that your physical condition improves dramatically after a few weeks away from him. He is affecting you physically as well as mentally. Untangle yourself from his drama and focus on yourself.

To the left, to the left...

to the left, to the left indeed.

haha..I loved that. We had our second marriage counseling session today. The lady is scared to death of us. For one thing I could write a book on how to rebuild a marriage after an infidelity. We have done it, and quite well, three previous times, only thing being he was never being truthful. Had he been, well we could be Jim and Tammy Faye or somthing.

The normal things, while they need to be done, are not enough. He did those things and effed around at the same time. So to rebuild my trust is going to take a lot of hard monumental work. And even then, I don't know that I would get there.

But I am not ready to walk away either. I am stupid that way. I do love him. The SOB.

If you do not walk away it will most likely be the death of you.
Just be apart for a while....6 months or so and make him prove himself during that time. You can use the time to get stronger and find you. I don't wish to insult you in anyway...but you seem very weak in many ways and need to find a way to stand on your own two feet...looking him dead in the eye and letting him KNOW this will never suffice.

Also, I think I read where you have attacked him physically. Don't ever do that. You will and should wind up in jail for such actions.

THanks for your answer. I do understand that I should not be attacking him. I have never hit him but one other time and for the same reason. That was a slap. This time is different. I am so filled with rage. To be married for 37 years and for him to have cheated with 5 women and one man for 26 of them has just destroyed me. I am a shell at the moment and when I flare up I am imossible. I am on meds to stop that now and have an appt with a specialist in bipolar on the 16 or sooner if a cancellation comes in.

See, this is more complicated. I have MS, a possible tumor in my midbrain top of brain stem, that is inoperable and a four year survivor of breast cancer, lost both. Had a scare of a recurrence this past January. He is my source of support and ins. In every other way he treats me like a queen. I sruggle with fatigue with my MS. I do believe he is sick but that doesn't stop the movies in my head. He is making great progress in counseling, I am the one getting nowhere so inpatient therapy may be what I need.

Jane - I think you really need to understand that he is a sex addict. It has nothing to do with you. It is his problem.

You need to take good care of yourself, get strong, take your meds and relax.

He will need to join a recovery probgram for sex addicts. Recoverynation has a good one, and also has a spot for spouses.

I am trying to walk away. I am trying. If you asked any one human in the world if I were weak they would fall to the floor laughing. I went from a homemaker for 12 years, no college education in 1983, to entering the work force and owning my own investment company. I did that in 13 years. In a male dominated enviroment. I am not weak. I am torn. If he is indeed a sex addict, what does that mean to ME. Does it mean that I stand by him like I would if he had diabetes? I love this man, this is 37 years of marriage, 5 daughters, 11 grands with the 12 on it's way. This is big and lovely and I have NO idea where to turn.

But, on the other hand, had I not found the viagra last June, when would this sh*t have ended? I am frozen in air and I am angry scared. I have options. My high school boyfriend who regrets ever letting me get away, would take me today and take care of me see if we could rekindle that long ago love so it is not like there is not even someone standing there in the wings, not bragging, just the truth.

When my husband made love to me, I had forgotten how it felt. And, it was like I was a new virgin. It hurt. That is horrible. He was running off and having sex with my friend for 13 years, but not me.

I just guess I am sick, troubled, out of my mind with all of this. 13 years with Patti, 15 years with Vivian off and on, one nighters with Millie and Tanya and the other person for 3 years that I will leave unnamed. All in 26 years. This is not like a one time affair. I have such a hard time finding info on serial adulterers.

Did you check out the S-Anon link?

Jane,

((((((((((Jane))))))))))

If I may be blunt...it really doesn't sound like you HAD much of a marriage. HE had all the benefits while you picked up the pieces.

As far as: "Would I stick by him if he had diabetes?" Well, that's a different ballgame, IMO.

37 years is a long time and of COURSE you love him. But this relationship is toxic. It is affecting your health and THAT is something you really need to concentrate on.

Get away from him and start healing YOU. Don't take up with the old flame. Start healing YOU.

Let your husband start healing himself, if he REALLY wants to. He has been doing this for a really long time and there will be no quick fix.

I'm worried about your health. It's hard enough for people to deal with infidelity when they don't have any other health problems to worry about...even then the body starts to break down from all of the stress. It's way worse for you with your MS.

We are all worried about you, Jane.

Charlotte

A serial cheater will break your heart again and again and drive you crazy.

My heart broke for you reading your story. You have no easy choices. I'm assuming your kids are all grown?

If they are, then get rid of this man. He's a cancer.

Fool me once, shame on your. Fool me twice, shame on me. Keep that in mind. This man won't change and will keep breaking your heart.

I'm all for saving marriages, but unless this man suddenly has a life altering experience and changes completely, then it's not going to happen and he will keep breaking you to the point where you will end up in a mental ward.

Jane,

I know where you are. I have been M for 35 years - almost as long as you have been. Last year I found out the my WH was leading a secret 2nd life in another state. I'm sure if he were able to tell the truth about anything, I would find out many additional shockers as you have found. Luckily for me, I went into Plan B before I found out anything else that could destroy me. Did I love him (do I love him?), of course, you can't be with someone 35 years and not love them, but I realized that he had not one ounce of respect for me. How could he and do what he did?

Just my opinion, but if you go to Plan B, you will find the peace that you need to heal both physically and emotionally. I look back and wish that I had done it sooner. I know now that he would have continued to abuse me because he knew that I was willing to take it. Stand up for yourself and recapture your dignity. He will continue down this path if you allow it.

(((Jane)))) The hardest thing to accept is that your spouse of three decades or more has continually betrayed you. Ask me, I know.

Everyday I come home and know that I am happier alone in this little condo than I was back in my big house with a lying and cheating H.

Hello all from soooo long, I wanted to update you and I am so sorry that it has taken me so long. I started a new thread in recovery, something about bestfriend or something, that will tell you all about my latest life and I won't bore you to pieces.

Suffice it to say that I did end up in the hospital, in the psych ward, and that is why I just stopped responding, then I forgot. Good ole MS. My work on myself, what to do, etc., just overtook everything. I did not necessarily want to go in, I knew what to expect, but my rage and anger was so out of control. I needed help and a break. When I started looking, there were no private facilities for anything except substance abuse, and that would not help me. The local hospitals (2) had psych wards but lord almighty, they were horrible. I knew that they would be but I decided to make the best of it. I did not want to do an out patient thing, I needed to get out of my environment totally.

I signed myself in for 72 hours. The "day" room consisted of a bank of chairs, like worn out sitting room chairs, all in a row in front of a wall that had a wooden shelving unit built into it. THe row of chairs was maybe 12 or so feet long, maybe longer and the wall was similar. THe chairs were about 6 ft from the wall and there was one tv in the shelving about 27" in size. All the nurses put the patients in those chairs and left them there all day long, as they slid out on the floor over and over with food all over them.

There was not a structured counseling program, they would announce something or the other over a weak loud speaker system, and maybe you heard it or maybe not. Most of the ppl suffered from hearing voices, the food was intensely terrible. I cannot tell you how awful. A different doctor came into my room everyday, with a gaggle of med students of different sorts, psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, etc, and would ask me the same questions which had nothing to do with my reason for being there. It would be about my medication.

Then they would stand in the hall and review my reactions until I would scream "I can hear you". It was horrible.

Needless to say, I received no help but it was a break and would make a great book. My room mate and I would hide and wait for one of the visiting families to explode when they would show up unannounced and find uncle John in the same clothes as the previous week. That was our entertainment.

As for my marriage, it is getting better, I am not quite as angry and some developments have occured which are outlined in the other post I mentioned under recovery.

I just wanted to get back to you all and tell you how much your posts from before had meant to me and see how all of you are. I was reading some of Dr. Harley's literature and one of my stumbling blocks had been could I ever really trust my husband again and he said something that helped me a lot.

He said that you never completely trust each other. You always stay on the alert whether you have a reason or not, he and his wife had that as one of their successes for years. And that is true. I have never said I would not have an affair because I know that I am human, I have said that it is my intention to never have one and to look for the possibilies and get out of Dodge.

So, I can live with him and not totally trust him. That helped.

Love to you all, my sisters and brothers fighting the tough fight....Insane Jane....really Jan