Greetings... I am new... D-day 1st June 2008.

A little background: I finally confronted my wife with my suspicions and she admitted having an affair with a colleague. It lasted 8-9 months and ended physically over two years ago (she says, I have my doubts) but they had stayed in occasional contact by email and telephone and saw each other sometimes at events or whatever with out sleeping together.

She agreed to end contact and has told him not to contact her. (By phone, against my advise, which I found here at MB to send a letter). I monitor her email accounts without her knowledge, so am reasonably sure there has been no contact. We have also agreed to follow the radical honesty agreement and decisions agreement I found here. I am beginning to trust that when she says it's over and she has no desire to start it up again, she is telling the truth.

So we are in recovery I suppose all though I still think about them together and her betraying me, etc. a lot.. and I am still very hurt and angry.

I am also angry with the OM. I have met him on a few occasions and his wife who is very nice and their young daughter (they since have a new baby I haven't met).

Finally to my question: Should I tell his wife? I truly think she deserves to know. I wish my wife had told me long ago or even his wife or anyone. I was such a trusting idiot. I have also read posts from other woman who said they would definitely want to be told.

My motives are not entirely altruistic though I must admit. I am still quite angry with him as I stated above and rather relish the idea of him getting what he deserves. I also see it as a safeguard against him contacting my wife again. And his wife definitely does deserve to know what her husband is up to behind her back. So it's not all about revenge, but there is an element of it.

So, should I tell her, or facilitate her finding some other way? I also thought to contact him and give him the chance to fess up before I told. I'd be very glad of some advice and hearing other's experience with this.

Thanks,
Tri

You should have exposed the instant you had solid proof of the affair.

Did your wife make you destroy the evidence as a "condition" of reconciliation?

If so, call OMW now.

If not, you need to tell your wife that this must be exposed to OMW to ensure no contact is maintained.

If she refuses, do so instantly.

Tell her.

Your motivations are irrelevant, as long as you are considerate of the BW's feelings.

You get one heckuva shot of revenge, AND you're doing the right thing.

As a bonus, you get a second pair of eyes watching the two of them.


Me? I told OM's wife, his boss, and most of his co-workers.

I also told him that if he ever contacted my wife again I'd tell his kids' classmates.

I wasn't kidding then, and the plan is still on the table if I ever need it.

He said, "There's no need to get the kids involved".

Obviously, it was a thinly veiled threat against my kids.

I responded with, "I didn't get them involved. You did."

Trisolo, it would be an act of kindness to tell her the truth. My suggestion would be to tell her yourself, give her details, your contact # for follow up, and send her here to this forum so we can help her. Telling her the truth will give her the same opportunity you had to recover your marriage. She has a right to know the truth about her life.

Secondly, it will make it harder for your wife to resume the affair if she had a notion. His w would know to watch out for it.

I would suggest that you tell your wife AFTERWARDS rather than before. The reason is because a) it will cause unnecessesary conflict and b) it will give her an opportunity to contact the OM, who may pre-empt your call by spinning the story to his wife. If he has not told her he won't want her to believe this, so it is very common for the affairee to spin you as an "insanely jealous husband who imagines every man is out for his wife." After being spun like that, your credibility is ruined before you ever call.


Have they stopped working together?

So do you think that it is important to tell the OPS (in my case OWH) even if No Contact has already been established?

I have fought with this back and forth. For me, it's been almost 6 months since d-day so I may have missed the window...but for others who wonder, when is it too late to tell the OPS?

Should you risk stirring it all up again when you contact the OPS if you think NC is intact?

I know that I would have wanted to know if OW had told her H before my H told me. So isn't it the right thing to do to expose to OWH?

And what of co-workers, friends and bosses of OP? Same thing...the A is over and NC is established. Is it too late to expose to others and does it serve any purpose other than to let me stick it to her?

hicktownmommy

HTM, there would be no reason to tell friends, coworkers, etc if the affair has ended. However, the OP's spouse should always be told, no matter how much time has elapsed. The other BS still has to know.

In what way is he a colleague ? Do they work with each other, or does he work with you? Are you in the same Church, social clubs, etc. What is the point of contact?

Larry

trisolo

Yes expose to the OMW. She deserves the truth. OM deserves what he gets. No OM should get away without having to face his actions.

"she admitted having an affair with a colleague"

Just as important, does WW still work with the OM?

Hey... thanks for the replies! This is very helpful. It does seem the right thing to do as I would definitely want to be told. I've just been pretty confused, shocked and in to some pretty deep emotional turmoil for the last 9 weeks, (could it be that long?) I couldn't see the other side (OM and his family) very clearly.

But it dawned on me a few days ago that just as he slept with a married woman, who had a husband and children waiting at home, my wife slept with a married man, putting his wife and children in to the same boat we were (are) in. I am very angry with him and probably as angry with my wife. But I still love my wife and want to rebuild our marriage. Somehow this seems possible even with all this hurt and anger under the surface. As the pain lessons I suppose the anger will too. My goal is to be able to forgive her in the not to distant future and I suppose forgiving him too would go along with that. I'm not ready for that step yet. I'm just trying to keep my cool and recover a bit. I've learned a lot from this web site and am trying to follow the steps... one step at a time.... man this is hard.

I'm really feeling nervous now about calling his wife. I would almost rather call him and threaten to tell her if he doesn't. I just don't want to be the one to give her such bad news! Plus, (my conniving mind at work) I might be able to get him to add some information to the story and thus shed some new light on some parts of my wife's story that I am having trouble believing. (Basically the length of their relationship, when it actually started and how often they met). But that would probably get complicated and backfire anyway.

Has anyone had experience talking to the OM about the affair?

There were a couple of questions:

"Did your wife make you destroy the evidence as a "condition" of reconciliation?"
No, she did asked that I get rid of the emails I had printed out so I wouldn't keep reading them and "taking things out of context", which I did. But I still have them in my computer, but don't look at them anymore.

"Have they stopped working together?"

Yes, well, they never really worked together, but had plans for some future work and would discuss and help each other with their own work.

"In what way is he a colleague ? Do they work with each other, or does he work with you? Are you in the same Church, social clubs, etc. What is the point of contact?"
They are in the same field and were connected to the same organisation, and met through work related events originally.

Thanks again,

Tri

OM laughed in my face.

I exposed to his wife on Christmas eve. Touche mofo.

His wife was my best ally and beyond appreciative to me.

Tri, Dr Harley believes very much in forgiveness, as a Christian, but he firmly believes in JUST COMPENSATION. Just compensation is best for you, your wife and your marriage. Dr. Harley makes a brilliant argument about forgiveness in this article - here is an excerpt:


Entire article here


I know you don't want to make that call. I have had to do this and it is heartbreaking. I cried all day. But it had to be done. He was very grateful I called, too.

It is best that you call, because if you try to force the OM to do it, she may never get the truth. She may get the story about the "insanely jealous wacko who thinks I am out to get his wife." The story will be spun or minimized in some way; count on it. Remember, this man is a liar and cheater who cannot be trusted. HE IS INVESTED IN KEEPING HIS SECRET. Please don't leave this important job in the hands of a liar whose mission is deceit. She will get the full story from you, along with the evidence she needs.

Please, tell her husband. Again, he has the right to know.Don't
leave it to him to tell her. Imagine this, your wife gets thrown under the bus as soon as BW knows. Why? Cause he doesn't want the trouble, doesn't want to pay the money, and he can find another squeeze as easily as he found you WW. A bonus is that you have the 2 sets of eyes glaring down on the A and it will surely lose it's luster. And after you tell his BS, tell HIM that he needs to stay out of your world or you are coming into his with a vengeance. And mean it!. Let him know his job and family will know and the folks at his church. Turn over the rocks and Rock His World!! It worked for me. GF

Do not tell OM of your intentions. Do not feel bad. Do not lose your resolve to do the right thing. Tell the OMW.

I do believe he needs to know. It's only fair...You know. Will you tell your wife? She needs to understand this might be more closure for you,if there is such a thing.

This is just too funny. This is supposed to be a "marriage builders" site? But here you guy are preaching to out an affair that is what 2 years old?

Here you BS do nothing but complain how selfish WS are but here you want to use the most base of SELFISH emotions and want revenge. Seems a lot of you BS's just want every WS to feel the pain you felt reguardless if it is justified or not.

Leave this alone you are pissed and just want revenge. The affair is over and your just pissed you did not see it. Everyone has moved on and you will do nothing but possibly lead the destruction of a marriage that has already moved past the affair.

You all are like a bunch of religious zelots picking a choosing the messages you want from your chosen book.

Leave these people alone and move on with your life.

Spoken like a true WS who has learned absolutely nothing.

Did y'all hear that odd sound?? :MrEEk:

LOL - I was about to say exactly the same thing!

I am concerned about this aspect. Part of me feels that to tell his wife is for revenge, and revenge usually only makes things worse. So to protect myself from getting wrapped up in all the negativity I thought I would not tell and hope for the best. Maybe he has turned over a new leaf? Has dealt with the causes on his own?

I got an idea from some of his email to my wife that things were going better in his marriage since the birth of their second child a year ago or so. (My wife admitted to being somewhat bitter about the child since he had eluded to her that he planned to leave his wife at some point- typical.)

My wife also told me that at some point early in their relationship he had insisted that she promise not to tell no matter what. That his wife would not forgive it and would not allow him to see his child. He also told her that I would react the same way. So in fear of all this she had kept their secret even though her intuition was telling her to reveal it. (There is probably a certain level of Bull in this).

Anyway, when she told him not to contact her anymore, she told him he should tell his wife and he said he never would.

Part me of wants to let it all go and not say anything, but then again, I know that I would want to know the truth, even if things had been going along smoothly in our marriage, which they weren't. The secrets and deceit were causing my wife lot's of stress which I blamed myself for and we were in a state of withdrawal.

I know that my telling will throw them into a state of turmoil, similar to what we are experiencing. But if that is the case, it's another point in favour because our marriage is actually being saved by this whole messy, painful business.

Thanks,
Tri

Tri - If your wife says that this is over and you believe her, have a way to verify her story then I (despite the othe advice given) would not tell the w.

Does she have the "right" to know? Well, yes his wife should know. But do YOU have the "right" to be the one to tell her? You are going to tell this lady the worst news of her life. Less than 1 year after having a baby? While her husband (and your wife had the affair) do you want to be the deliver of that news to her?

Your wife told you that his would leave him if she ever found out, right? While HE had the affair the news of the affair will dissolve their marriage. That would leave a 1 year old child in a world of chaotic stress. Not to mention the other child. Not to mention the fact that your wife may feel her "guilt" all over again and in a more intense way than before. While HE had the affiar you have a choice in not telling her. Why put some many people through the turmoil by being the one to tell her?

Why not contact him! If you are following the advice of some of the posts her and telling her to have more eyes watching him, why not maintain contact with him? Call him OFTEN. Ask your wife more questions if you must.

In my unpopular opinion, you should NOT be the one to tell his wife.

BTW - You can read a thread that I started that dealt with this exact topic. I even mentioned the forgiveness issue and was LEVELED by many of the responders. Our time frame is about the same. I have already had 1 following conversation with OM and I told him that I forgave him. I do. I am not going to allow the PA to destroy who I am.

I am not perfect and in need of His grace and everyone's grace that will offer it. He is to. She is to. You are to.

The last bit of advice that I can give - Do what you feel is best in YOUR HEART and HEAD. Take the advice here with a grain of salt as NO ONE on this board knows what it is like to be YOU. They may have experienced something similar but YOU have to live with the decisisions that YOU make.

Trisolo,

Please be advised that, first, Poster hu7668 is a WS who hasn't told his BW of his affair. Second, his A painfully ended once his lover's H found out. Third, he attempted to deceive other board members here by posing as his own BW....SO I think it is fair to say that you can conclude that he would not advocate exposure or being truthful. I am stunned that he would judge others of their ability to give marriage-building advice or feel justified in calling others "selfish".

Anway...I don't have anything more to add to the great advice you have alread received...other than I am begging you as a BW to call your OMW to tell her.

The thought of my H's EA dying on its own and never being told is horrifying and humiliating to me...

Tell her yourself, too. Please give this gift to her.

Sorry
That guy MAY be spouting off because of a guilty past......but I agree with him. As long as the affair is TRULY over, I see NO REASON EXCEPT REVENGE. And I respect you for admitting that at least a portion of the reason contacting OMW WAS REVENGE.

ANd I will admit that I'm a BIG proponent of revenge. If someone does something to you that is heartless and causes you great pain, they deserve WHATEVER they get. Its up to YOU what you want to give them. I ADMIT that I am into revenge, but I also realize that it is NOT the right way to be.

I'm NOT a WH and I MAY be a BH....soooooo, man, the affair is TWO years old, what GOOD would it do to reveal now?? IF it would GUARANTEE your wife never ever hurting you again THEN I say go for it. But will it? WHat if his wife does lay the big D on him and he comes calling? Its possible, isn't it? Are you completely sure that your wife wouldn't fall off the wagon? You know, if you guys are rebuilding your love and trust again, your luckier than me. I think the old saying "leave well enough alone" may have some merit.

BUt I realize that many poster here, with a ton of experience with this stuff, disagree. ANd I'm trying to understand their thinking on this one. This was just my opinion, those with the opposite view are pretty smart, so I guess you gotta read, think and decide. Good luck, man. You got a budding remarriage, of that I'm envious.

well, that is just sad.

How about the reason that the other betrayed spouse has a right to know what happened. They have a right to make decisions about their own life based on truth and not being kept in the dark.

I agree 100%

The absolute worst feeling for me as the BS was the feeling of being manipulated by my spouses lies.

No one deserves to live a lie.

Yes - they have a right to know - But what right does this guy have to be the one to tell her? He has NO standing with her.

I am not sure what the right thing to do is but YOU do - Do not let US influence your action. Decide what to do based on what is right for you.

Look at it this way - you may be helping that whole family live a wonderful, happy, life. If she never finds out, then he'll think he can get away with it and do it again someday when they hit a rough spot in the marriage. Or, he may just get too confident and keep doing it anyway and not appreciate what he has at home.

If you tell her, (and I know, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but she has a right to know) you will give them the opportunity to look at the marriage and build a better one that will last.

I can almost guarantee that she won't leave him. Heck, I would bet that every BS on here said that before it actually happened to us. When it does, everyone tries to save their M, no matter what we said before. Reality is a different story.

I can almost guarantee that if she doesn't find out, the scenario will repeat again either with your WW or someone else. She will find out sooner or later, and I would rather see her find out after the first offense (if this is indeed the first) rather than after multiple offenses.

Well is was his wife that the OM diddled so he does have 'standing' with her.

Does THIS sound like a "revenge" motivated decision to you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Should an affair be revealed?

I have been letting you in on some clues to infidelity when a spouse is unwilling to be truthful. But there are a few, of course, who are honest enough to tell their spouses about an affair without being confronted. Guilt sometimes sets in right after the first sexual encounter, and it continues to build as one lie is added to another. Depression follows guilt and it's not unusual for a wayward spouse to even consider suicide as a way to escape the nightmare he or she has created. As an act of desperation, honesty is sometimes seized as a last resort, often in an effort to relieve the feelings of guilt.

From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.

Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.

But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.

After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.

The Policy of Radical Honesty is one of two rules you must follow to protect your spouse from your self-centered behavior, which includes affairs. The other rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If you were to be completely honest with you spouse, and you were to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, an affair would be impossible, unless for some reason your spouse wanted you to have one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Revenge motivation denotes pleasure at someone else's expense.

It is apparent that anyone who thinks Marriage Builders encourages spouses act out of a "revenge" motive has never read the basic concepts about infidelity, or perhaps need to reread it.


PART ONE

and


PART TWO

Decide what to do based on your knowledge of RIGHT and WRONG



Decide what to do based on care and concern for your marriage and the potential for HARM done to another human being -



Here is the situation:

You know for a fact there is another spouse at risk - in danger -

Your silence should bother your conscience - because silence condones the abusive nature of adultery.

Your silence is not courageous. It is weakness in the face of evil.

Pep

YES!

The OM screwed HIS wife. The truth does NOT require some special standing to be revealed. ANYONE that is aware of ANY affair should be willing to tell the truth. In this case, it is a no-brainer...the BH is invovled!

"I am concerned about this aspect. Part of me feels that to tell his wife is for revenge,"

Yes you will feel good from outing the OM. But this is only a benefit for doing the right thing.

"Maybe he has turned over a new leaf? Has dealt with the causes on his own?"

OM has not changed. Why? He is still fishing for your WW. Why? Because there is sill contact between WW and OM.

"his email to my wife that things were going better in his marriage since the birth of their second child a year ago or so."

Direct from the player Hand Book: "he had insisted that she promise not to tell no matter what. That his wife would not forgive it and would not allow him to see his child."

Also direct from the WW book ON How To Be A WW: "He also told her that I would react the same way. So in fear of all this she had kept their secret even though her intuition was telling her to reveal it."

"(There is probably a certain level of Bull in this)."

Yes the level is 100% bull. WW's lie to protect the AP.

2 years later still contact.

"Anyway, when she told him not to contact her anymore, she told him he should tell his wife and he said he never would."

Being WW has still kept in contact can not believe what she told OM or what OM said to her. How about WW being able to keep OM as a back up for her? If OMW finds out her affair safety net is gone.

"Part me of wants to let it all go and not say anything,"

Normal BH letting fear take control over him preventing him from doing what has to be done.

"I know that my telling will throw them into a state of turmoil,"

The health of their marriage is not your concern. The health of your marriage is your concern. The door must be slammed on this OM. Only exposure will do that.

If you are concerned about their marriage then help remove the cancer of the OMW living a lie. OMW needs to know. I bet if she knew there would not of been any more contact between WW and OM. OM would no longer have a unsuspecting and naive W. Where the OM can continue banging WW's ruining more marriages.

Exposing is good for you, WW, OMW. There is nothing wrong that can come back to you. Expose.

He has only turned over a new leaf if he has told her the truth. But if he is still lying to her about her own life, he has done no such thing and she needs protection from him.

I am always just flabbergastered that this question of whether to alert a victim about something that has been done to them ONLY COMES UP WHEN THE CRIME IS ADULTERY. Would this same logic make any sense when applied to anything else? Of course not!

Imagine your neighbor's bookkeeper had embezzled money from him. Would we justify not telling him because:

1. it might hurt him to know the truth

2. It might be "revenge!" [I have never understood how this rationalizes not doing the right thing - does my personal irrational fear of vengence supercede doing the right thing? ]

3. he and his bookkeeper are getting along great! she has stopped the stealing for now

4. it's not my place to warn him! [this is some mysterious standard that holds that only the criminal, the most unlikely person to confess, is the only one qualified to tell the victim ]

5. it's not my place to interfere in their life [what a great samaritan!]

Please, lets use some common sense here. The woman was harmed behind her back and needs to be told. This is information about her life to which she has a RIGHT. Telling her would be an act of decency and compassion. If more people did this, there would be less adultery.

Trisolo, hu7668 is a deceitful wayward spouse who REFUSES to tell his own wife about his own long term adultery. His agenda is DECEIT. He would not be your GO-TO GUY when it came to doing the right thing. He is advocating deceit because that is how he lives.

Oh my...it appears that hu is getting a serious case of the guilts.

Whatcha gonna do about it hu?


committed

He is shaking in his underbritches that Trisola might be his OW's husband getting ready to call his wife and bust him!

Now wouldn't that be something... :MrEEk:

Not to be crude...he might need some clean ones too.

committed

Tri:


As part of no contact, can matters be arranged so you and your wife are absolutely sure there will be no contact? Would she have to leave the organisation? Would the OM? No contact is one of Harley's absolutes. And Harley is the man with the plan. I wouldn't even begin to attempt an exception without a complete and thorough discussion with his coaching center.

Secondly, Pep posted extensive quotes from Harley's exposure postings AND the state of a marriage where an affair is kept a secret. As part of your own recovery, which trumps any concern for the OM, it is in your best interest to expose. As for the OM's kids, exposure might just insure that he does not wander again, which is a good thing, and that their own marriage be set on the right track, again a good thing. Any exception is something that a professional at Harley's coaching center is best equipped to deal with as opposed to all the rationalization you can generate on your own.

Chances are very, very high that exposure will happen at some point anyway. It seems to me that if you do it, you can state that you are recovering your own marriage, which might just be incentive for the OMW to do the same. If OM decides that he got away with it once, he might feel entitled to do it again, and the next time might be even more of an emotional train wreck than this one.

Just a thought.

Larry

Tri -

Amazing - many parallels with my (our) own situation:
1. We are 7 (almost 8) months out from D-day
2. OMW has not been told specifically by me about the affair - mainly because NC appears to have been adhered to and it also appears that confrontation/plan A stopped the affair. But I did discover the affair before it ended, WW did not confess.

One difference - My WW claims that she and OM did not have sexual intercourse, and based on their emails and my WW's willingness to take a polygraph test, I cautiously concur. Although based on my WW's statements, they came (pardon the pun! ) pretty close to sex on more than one occasion.

We are in counseling with Steve Harley and I have posed the question to him. No doubt, it is a very tough question to consider. Especially since I have concern for that loser's wife.

Provable sex with OM for me might be a deal-breaker - as in Plan D.

But would I want to know if I was OMW? ABSOLUTLELY !! Even if it was "only" EA/PA and no intercourse? Yes, I would still want to know.

You will have to make the decision that's best for you and so will I. I am leaning toward notifying OMW via certified mail addressed to her. But I am waiting on further consultation with Steve Harley.

I have met the OMW in my case, and frankly, I'm not sure of her strength. I believe that she knows something was going on, because she does know that their (WW and OM) frequent "working together" stopped. But she hasn't seen all of the email evidence that I have seen.

Thats right. Let sleeping dogs lie, right HU. Cuz when the OM’s BW gets an asymptomic case of HPV which results in stage 3 cervical cancer after a few years, we certainly don't want her cheating husband to be held accountable. Even though it all could have simply been avoided by SOMEONE-IN-THE-KNOW telling her she's been exposed.

Wow! What a concept. Making INFORMED choices about your health and life despite years of hidden lies by someone you trusted, namely your spouse.

BTW HU, it wasn't "too funny" to go thru. Just ask me. I'd be happy to share.

You really need to defog your selfish self.
Jo

I apoligize. I missed the part where the OM has recently contacted your wife once again, with a "progress report" on his marital situation. For me, that changes EVERYTHING.

But the ROAD was 100 percent accurate in his or her post that he is trying to relight the affair. His desire to inform your wife on how great his marriage is doing is total horse sheets. With HIS history, go straight to his wife. He's got some sack to try this garbage again.

ANd I must admit, Jo's post about uninformed exposure and cervical cancer is legitimate...........affairs suck on so many friggin levels, its mind boggling.

Again my apolagies.

I agree - OM breaking the NC would push me to expose it, I believe...

Hiya HU:

Normally I skim and pass on your comments, but this one is too juicy to pass up.



Ain't it nice, trusting mate is living with a liar and cheat and doesn't know it. Revenge has nothing to do with honor, ethics, decency, honor and all of those good old words that have to do with character. Of course if you don't have any, it is hard to understand that revenge isn't the motivation. I grok you, too bad you are mentally unable to grok me.

Larry

I hadn't really thought about the children. Newborns are very sensitive of course to the atmosphere around them and would probably pick up on the turmoil. Would that cause any damage emotionally? Our children are a little older and we have been careful shield them from as much of this as possible. And to be honest, the atmosphere around here is considerably better since D'day, than it's been the last few years.

The OMW is a very intelligent, socially and self-aware person very committed to her children so I don't really think she would "lose it" in front of them. But it is a loose canon situation, and could end up depriving a very young child contact with it's father.

I am concerned about the children. But as I said to my wife when I was deciding whether I wanted to do Plan A or Plan D, I don't want to stay together for the children, the children would be best off in an honest, loving home, not one ruled by deceit or where the parents are not in love but only stay together for convenience, appearances or that they feel they should for the children's sake. Who wants to live like that? We had already been living in a state of withdrawal and conflict for some time.

So anyway, I am leaning towards telling her. and it's not all about revenge anymore. Since reading all these posts, I've realised that I don't really want the OM to suffer, to face his deeds, yes, to make restitution to his wife, yes, to grow up? yes. This is painful, but I know that it will be much more painful for his wife. As it is for me. My wife feels bad about hurting me, but that's about it. She's done, ready to get on with rebuilding our marriage, falling in love, living happily ever after. Me? I'm still tortured by the images, questions; moving in and out of feeling ill and guilty and hopeless and ever angry... that anger just below the surface.

So, he won't suffer... I won't get any revenge... but I will force them both to face the truth. The painful truth. Pain, the ultimate teacher. And if they can face it and hold on they will be the better for it. ( I'm talking to myself now I think!)

Revenge would be to move on in to a much better marriage and leave him stuck in his lies and secrets.. and guilt.

thanks,
Tri

No need to apologise, NC hasn't been broken (to my knowledge) the part about the OM telling my wife that his marriage was getting better happened well before NC was instituted.-tri

His children would benefit from their mother knowing the truth. For so many reasons, I don't even know where to start. First off, it would give the OMW the chance you got to work on building a strong marriage. They can't possibly have a strong marriage that is based on fraud and deceit. So, telling her can make the marriage stronger.

It will also enable her to protect herself from her H and your W. She needs to know her H is untrustworthy so she can protect her health and her finances. If her H has cheated before, he may still be cheating. Telling her will give her a heads up that she needs to watch her back.

I realize your main concern is not unneccesarily hurting this woman and i can appreciate that. But be assured the greater danger lies in her continued ignorance. Not knowing prevents her from protecting herself from financial plunder and potential life threatening STDs.

I just had a sobering thought....

Wouldn't my exposing the OM come under the Policy of Joint Agreement? So I couldn't do it without the support of my wife?

We both agreed to follow it.

I feel rather concerned that the OM would contact my wife to tell her I exposed him. I would not only be exposing the OM, but also my wife.

I could explain why I had to do it to her and she would understand (although perhaps still be upset, she has met his wife and would probably be mostly embarrassed – and also very sorry for hurting her.

So wouldn't something that involves her so much come under the Policy?

What would her reaction be? This is not something that I would POJA, simply because it would give your W an opportunity to FOREWARN the OM. That would prevent his W from getting the correct story. I would not stay married to anyone who would want to keep their victim in the dark.

My suggestion would be to make the call and THEN tell her you have done it. If she is really in recovery, she should have no issue with it, since it is only telling truth to her victim. If the OM calls then she would do what she do if he called anyway.

If EP have been taken, OM should not be able to contact your WW. You are doing the right thing for everyone. You are in my prayers.

God's Blessings,

say

Tris

"Back in the day" I was a very scared BS. OM and WW both threatened me with worse outcomes if I exposed to his long term GF.

Mel, pep, Kiwi and others rousted me up to expose just like they are to you.

Me ? I got tired of being controlled by the affair as if *I* had done something wrong.

I decided that if it were OMGF with the info about the affair would I want to know or not ?

I decided that if my recovery was so fragile that doing a righteous thing like telling OM GF what kind of a man the father of her child was would break it, then I could not walk on enough eggshells to sustain a happy life based on that.

I asked myself this question " what would I do if I was not afraid?"

So on a trip to Tescos I called OM GF. I told her everything. I still remember with a shudder the very SECOND that her heart broke.

She thanked me through her tears. We exchanged contact details.

Then I puked in the bushes outside Tescos. It got back to Squid from OM within 5 minutes, and Squid txted me " that's it ! If I can't trust you I will divorce you!" ( Oh the irony!).

OM GF tells me she threw righteous crockery and insults in tears at OM for a couple of hours while he tried to lie and obfuscate out of the well of pain he had dug for them both. His soft lips half convinced her that I was crazy, so I faxed her copies of his "love" letters to Squid.

That was the beginning of the end of the affair.

OM GF and I kept in touch to sync whereabouts and lies for a year. No contact for 3 years now. Not required.

OM GF thanked me for giving her the chance to rebuild her R with OM. They are now happier than they have been for a while. They owe a part of that to ME.

As for ME, I felt myself become a KNIGHT rather than a serf, taking control of my life not being a victim of it.

It helped me plan A, lovingly detach and rebuild our lives all because I did a courageous righteous thing when I was fearful.

Tris what would you do if you were not afraid ?

ROFLMAO! THAT was AWESOME!!!

MS

Oh now this is funny and not unexpected, yes question the messenger instead of the message.

I guess questioing the big picture of keeping a family together for the OM's kids is just too much for a BS like you to understand right Melody? Because I thought the idea of this site and the MB message was to KEEP marriage TOGETHER.

Because you know what I read thread after thread on this site where people want a divorce because they are now a BS's with their kids caught in the middle. Here you and your friends are telling this guy to throw a grenade into the other man's marriage (with kids) for what end in the big picture. What so that you can have yet another BS to preach too? or so that yet another child can watch their parents argue about something that in this case was resolved 2 years ago.

I think you, MelodyLane and others, just like to have people become a BS so you can preach to them.

Look Trisolo if you are outing this guy to stop the affair GO FOR IT. If it is over leave it alone, get on with your life.

Let's see, whose advice would I want?

Hu's, an admitted liar and adulterer who takes to posting as his own wife and can't be honest with his most intimate partner or a bunch of folks who have lived both sides of adultery and come out better for it?

Real tough choice!

*edit*

Tri,

I am facing this very dilemma and have decided to tell OWH. Initially, I wanted to tell for revenge. But I knew that was wrong. And I didn't tell. I felt like it wasn't my place. I made up lots of great reasons not to tell.

But this feeling of necessity has nagged me over the past few months. And I have now come to a point where it is not about revenge. It is about truth. And I will be going to the post office today to send a registered letter to OHW.

Here are the reasons that helped me to decide this:

1. F-WH and OW made the choice to cause pain when they had the A. My staying silent does not protect OWH. Ignorance is dangerous, not bliss. I am NOT the CAUSE of the pain, F-WH and OW are.

2. If the tables were turned, I would want the opportunity to make decisions in my life based on the truth. I would want to know.

3. I am not able to predict the future. The past is a fact. What OWH decides to do with this information is not up to me.

4. I am culpable for my IN-ACTION if I don't tell. In a sense, I am an accomplice.

5. OW's children will survive, as mine are. Again, my telling does not change what the reality is.

I honestly don't think that OWH is going to thank me for this information. He may already know. I don't think that they have a very good M to begin with and he may not want to face the realities like this. But it is something that I feel I need to do for my OWN closure. The loose ends will be tied when this letter is sent.

I am afraid of what OW may do. I don't think that my H is keen on me doing this. But I cannot make decisions based on fear.

Good luck. In the end, I think you have to make the choice for yourself. But if NC has been broken, there is an additional reason to tell.

MS

We are trying to save marriages. But sometimes you have to bring it back to the foundation before you can rebuild. You cannot keep a marriage together if there are secrets hidden within it. Those secrets will fester and eventually cause ruin...even if you think that you have hidden them really well.


The OM did that himself when he f*cked around on his wife. Telling her doesn't change who is ultimately responsible for the problem.


This was not RESOLVED 2 years ago...it was HIDDEN. There is a difference.

MogiSola
A BS who is rebuilding her M because her H had the balls to tell her about his A.

Are you still here?

Funny how you have grown so much as a person, and now are willing to share your great marital advice with the rest of the world. We should all feel very fortunate that you are willing to bless us all with your wisdom, hu.

Is this actually hu...or his wife? Oh, wait...there is no wife...that was just hu pretending to be his wife...forgot.

You're such a *edit*
Anyone who listens to a word this guy/gal (not sure) says is an idiot, *edit ...IMHO.

TELLING the spouse of a cheater is not what makes the spouse a BS...the CHEATER makes the spouse a BS.

I'm sure that a lot of cheaters think they have their spouses completely snowed; but, in truth, the spouse may KNOW that something is not "right" in their marriages and think that something is wrong with themselves.

Your spouse DESERVES to know the TRUTH about HER LIFE, so that SHE can make an informed decision about how she wants to spend the rest of it.

You are STEALING her life from her by not telling her the truth. Another benefit of telling her the truth is that it might be another safeguard against your cheating again, as she will be aware enough to keep her eyes open.

Every day that you don't tell your wife the truth is a day that you treat her with immense disrespect. Your wife is not a child that needs protection from ugly information; and, actually, the only person you are interested in protecting is YOURSELF...because if your wife knows you are a cheater, she might expect you to change some areas of your life. That wouldn't do...because it might interfere with any future cheating opportunities, wouldn't it?

I guarantee that, no matter how well you think you are hiding something from your wife, she KNOWS something is amiss...and she will likely get tired of wondering and actually FIGURE OUT the truth.

Just as I did. And, it would have been better for us both if he had JUST TOLD THE TRUTH FROM THE BEGINNING!


To the original poster: YES, tell the OM's wife. She has a RIGHT to know what has been going on in her life.

"and could end up depriving a very young child contact with it's father."

That's right put everyone else ahead of you. Put their needs before your marriage.

So you advoid doing the best thing to help prevent the PA from restarting.

If OM cared about OMW and their own children OM would of not gone banging your WW.

It is OM's job to protect his family not yours. If his actions hurt them it is his fault. Did you force the OM to bang your WW?
Did you offer your WW up to the OM? You were not involved. You can not be blamed. You did not create the truth. OM and WW did that.

Grow a pair or go by a pair. Stop whining and finding reasons to advoid doing what is right and required.

Hu

I don't remeber your story. I don't need to know it!

"I guess questioing the big picture of keeping a family together for the OM's kids is just too much for a BS like you to understand right Melody? Because I thought the idea of this site and the MB message was to KEEP marriage TOGETHER."

Trisolo's problem is that his job is to protect his own marraige.
By not exposing he is leaving himself and his marriage open to future potential threats from the OM.

Trisolo is at War. He ruefuses to attack because OM's innocent ship mates may die.

So Trisolo is willing to let OM regroup an attack him again allowing his family to be sunk.

You can not support Trisolo and the OM. One has to win. There can be no winner unless there is a loser.

If you did not see this point before your post to meleody. I believe that you chose to ignore it. Either way it points out that you need massive amounts of IC.

Hu,

I have a crazy suggestion for you...but it might just help with your frustration and confusion.

Go here to read the basic concepts:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

Start with the Policy of Radical Honesty.

You are foggy so it may take some time. Good luck.

Hu,


I'm not ML but I am "Melody" IRL. But whatever...

Keeping the OM's family together? With OM sleeping around, I can guarantee you that his family is NOT together. And I imagine that his wife and kids know this but don't know WHY. Only OM knows WHY. Just like in YOUR family, you're the only one who know WHY your family is broken. And it is broken, until you admit the TRUTH to your wife. A family is not whole if it is based on a lie, current, past or future.

MB IS about keeping marriages TOGETHER. Part of that is helping folks base their marriage on TRUTH. As long as there are lies, deceit or hidden facts, there is no TRUTH and the marriage is DOOMED. The TRUTH will out someday. Someday the choice to be honest may be taken away and out of the WS's hands. THEN it may be too late to BUILD or REBUILD the marriage. Yours or the OM the subject of this thread.

Why? Hu will just read about it, then discuss it with himself...since he and his BW are the same person.

If Hu and his BW the same person, who is he cheating on? His right hand?

(sorry, that was bad)

Yeah, but it was hilarious!!!!

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Charlotte

LOL.

Since he doesn't seem to understand why OMW would benefit from knowing about the A...and the advice to expose would be HELPFUL to their M, I thought the basic concepts might help him.

But since he has his own agenda...and likely lost his own OW once the A was exposed, it may not make much difference. Thought it would be worth a shot.

Pill,

Would you stop by my thread when you get a chance? It may look familiar...

Thanks.

MogiSola

My New Thread

Tri,

I wanted to point out stuff already pointed out for clarity...

The A has not been over for two years. It only ended on 6/1/08 when NC was finally established. Which means WW is in withdrawal...no more contact for life...and we don't POJA until recovery really begins...after withdrawal.

Next, you're about to go from enemies to allies again in your marriage...which means you come to understand your enemy was the A, not your real wife...quite a shift after just understanding your marriage was being assaulted for two-three years, eh? So not keeping a secret that your WW, OM and you have now (because you now know of the affair) from the OMW is essential...you are not to be a party to deceit...or made one by omission (as they did to you and to OMW). Time to live in radical honesty in your marriage, which means you stand for your marriage, and understand that even if someone else thinks you informed OMW for revenge YOU know you did not...you did it so as not to be part of further betrayal.

OMW may already know, somewhat know, suspect or be clueless...you don't know. You can't know...so tell her, anyway. You act brave, from your own code...and realize you only just found out two months ago...and it's been two months you've withheld your new knowledge from OMW...act and let the outcome go, 'k?

All that was in your considering, weighing, etc. wasn't in your control...not for you to choose...for them...you were and continue to withhold the truth until you don't...take yourself out of being an ally to the A and back into standing for your marriage...inform now and let the rest go...you're not doing the harm, you're reporting the harm which has already been done.

Just as others have said...you will not experience O&H in your own marriage if you're unwilling to act from it yourself. You know that deep down...stop trying to control the outcome...none of us can, 'k?

Gives your marriage a clean slate and fresh start...which is it won't have until you both act on the side of marriage, 'k? You're both worth it...won't change the past...will definitely change your present.

We're here for you, in all our various opinions, as friends of your marriage and of Marriage. Thank you for being here.

LA

Ah, got it. Will be stopping by soon

Izzat you, Mr. Foggy??

So this guy "hu" really posted as his own betrayed wife and is still around complaining that he thought this was supposed to be a marriage building website?? I'm picturing Will Ferrell at the keyboard for some reason.

As far as I can tell it takes a WS to make someone become a BS, there is no other way around it or is he trying to say what one doesn't know won't hurt them? I feel sorry for his BS and even sorrier if she...he?...she doesn't know.

agedcadilliac, I don't think that logic is his friend, if ya get my drift.

Yeap, he certainly did.

We kept asking him if he told his wife about his cheating, and despite his assuring us he did, we weren't convinced.

So, outta the blue comes Mrs. HU (her screen name eludes me at the moment). She was posting up a storm about how HU was complex and WAS at one time a baaaaaad husband but trying now, blah blah blah.

Then a few folks (namely ML, Intovert, etc.) did some data mining and noticed Mr. HU never posted the same time (date/time stamp) as Mrs. HU. They always posted serially.

We went round and round with HU about it, and he finally admitted he was posing as his wife here on MB. He also admitted he hadn't told her anything about his adultery.

He lied to us.

Jo

he was posting as a GURL!

Bumping to see if TriSolo will share what he has decided to do regarding exposure to OMW.

Jo

I've been absent for a while... sorry not to reply earlier.

I've decided to tell the OMW. I hate to do it, to put her through what I've been going through, but I'm actually glad I found out, so I know she needs to be told.

Telling her has been delayed a bit because of summer holidays, but I assume they are back at home now, so I'm going to ring this week, no, I'm going to do it tomorrow! Man, do I wish I didn't have to do this....

Thanks again for all the support, I post about how it went.

Tri

As the oatmeal man say's: It's the right thing to do.