I found out yesterday, when I received an advertisement from some company called *edit out company name*, that I was being sued for divorce by WH, my husband of 26 years.
The papers from your office were handed to me by my 20-year-old son. WH did not have the courage to tell me himself. He allowed our son to serve as messenger boy and suffer his mother’s extreme distress at seeing these documents.
Please feel free to have a process server bring me the documents, as should have been done in the first place. I am beyond shocked that my husband would allow our son to hand me the divorce petition, knowing how upset I would be by it, but sadly I am not surprised.
Your letter is filled with errors and misconceptions:
First: This is an ADULTERY case. WH is a high-level corporate executive with *edit out company name* and he has a very, very long history of freely dating his attractive female co-workers – some of which are his direct reports – and of otherwise feeling free to form “close personal relationships” with them.
The corporate culture where he works, with its many parties, rewards, outings, celebrations, banquets, and “teambuilding” – all of which STRICTLY bars spouses – makes this very, very easy to do. The company is happy to reward its loyal employees by paying for dinners, drinks, Broadway plays, sightseeing and other forms of entertainment for opposite-sex coworkers to do together - not to mention putting them up at the very best hotels together.
WH takes frequent and lengthy business trips, virtually always with at least one attractive female co-worker, and they feel free to indulge in all the fun they want at company expense. He insists he sees nothing wrong with this because “they all work together” and “they work hard so they deserve a reward” and “there’s nothing wrong with it.”
WH’s many years of adultery, and the lies, cruelty and spousal neglect which adultery requires, have been a source of torment, agony and frustration to me, his wife, for many years. WH knows this extremely well, but has remained cold and indifferent to the suffering and damage he was causing to our marriage and to our entire family.
He did absolutely nothing to change his behavior in the workplace, except perhaps to get better about lying and hiding it.
The pain and torment of this drove me into a nervous breakdown with serious symptoms of PTSD, and in early April I ended up spending five days in the voluntary psychiatric ward at *edit* Hospital.
When I got out, I insisted that either he get rid of his girlfriends or I would not socialize with him/share his life anymore, because I was NOT going to part of an arrangement where he had both a wife and girlfriends and I simply could not believe he would ever expect me to.
His reaction to this was to abandon me, abandon the family/marital home, rent a secret apartment, keep his girlfriends, and make an appointment with you.
I knew NOTHING of his plans to divorce me. He moved out of the marital home on June 7, 2008. The ONLY thing he said to me was he just wanted to get away for a while so the fighting would stop. I said that no doubt he would want me to sign divorce papers. He said “he hadn’t thought that far ahead yet.”
I have had absolutely not one word of communication with him in any form whatsoever since about ten days before he left. He did come back once on about June 21 for a brief time – less than an hour – but I left before he arrived so I would not have to watch him strip more items out of our marital home.
This marriage is not “irretrievably broken”. It is infested with WH’s many adulterous relationships from the workplace. I wanted these girls GONE so that WH and I could be a couple and a family once again, as we had been very happily for some twelve years before he started working at *edit company name*.
As you can see, his reaction to that was to keep his girlfriends and file for divorce.
We have had NO discussions about divorce in any way, shape or form.
We have made NO agreements of any kind.
Unfortunately, I still love my husband very much and I do NOT want a divorce. I simply want my husband to come home and take care of his own wife and his own family, and WH knows this very well.
But instead, WH has chosen to punish me for standing up to him about his behavior with women in the workplace. He will take no responsibility for his cheating and lies – that would make him look bad! - so he is forcing that responsibility on me by throwing me under the bus of divorce.
He would rather destroy our family than take responsibility for cleaning up the terrible mess he has made. If there’s no family anymore, then he’s not responsible for the damage to it, is he? Therefore, he has made the choice to destroy the family.
Don’t worry. I’ll take the house. There’s nothing else I can do here. My son and I, and my daughter and her husband and children, are all still a family even if WH has chosen his girlfriends instead of us.
It has irretrievably broken my heart that a man who used to be a truly wonderful husband and father would rather throw his own family onto the garbage heap than get rid of a bunch of trashy girls and clean up his own mess, but that’s what he’s doing and there has never been anything anyone could do to stop him.
Sure, I’ll take the house. WH has proved that he can blithely walk away from a 28-year relationship with two children and two grandchildren and abandon his own family, but I can’t. Sorry. I just can’t.
Thank you for giving an update. I was worried about you.
The only dignified response to this guy -- or to his lawyer -- is silence.
It's taken me a long time to realize that silence is the only appropriate response to a man who is inconsiderate. A priest once told me that his aunt married a man who became an alcoholic, she separated from him, she always considered herself married, and forty years he returned to her to die of cirrhosis of the liver.
She didn't try to convince him of her love or of his intolerable choice to become an alcoholic. She simply removed herself with a dignified silence.
My heart goes out to you! I have a lot of respect for you and admire how far you have come.
I learned so much from the gaslighting thread(s) about my H and myself as well. Very informative and I thank you for it(I don't remember if you started the thread but I remember your contributions). You are much stronger because of that information than you would have been without it. It still must be hard and I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.
Hang in there. And thanks for the update. I have wondered since your update a few months ago when things were unstable.
I am very sorry to hear of your situation. Still you manifest strong resilience.
Your response letter to the Ws' lawyer was done with truth and character. You clearly laid it all out for his office to see.
It does hurt my heart to hear the steps some are willing to take to push their need for power and control upon others. Ws' are notorious for it and in some cases it leeches out to others.
I hope your family rallies to your support and that you take what rightly belongs to you and your family.
One day he may come around and that day will certainly be an eye opener.
You are often in my thoughts. Please remember to be kind to yourself, and do try to now use your thoughtful advice offered to others here over the years.
Your WS HAS made a choice...which shows that he does NOT value you nor your family.... please, you are paying too high a price, unless or until he CHOOSES otherwise.
Plan D may not be what you want, it may be what you need.
I am so sorry for what you are going thru. You deserve so much better than him.
Most of the time on here I see men who put up with WW that have no regard for them and I feel like kicking them in the butt.
In your case I will just say you should move on and he is not a good person who does not deserve you. Again, I am sorry for your pain. I hope that you can recover.
Mulan, I am so sorry to learn of this turn of events, but I am so glad that you posted again, as I've been worried about you.
It sucks to still love someone who is not worthy of your love.
I hope that you will get a bulldog of an attorney and fight for everything to which you are entitled, even though I know you do not want the divorce. You should not have to live in any kind of poverty because he wants everything.
Take care of yourself, Mulan, and please keep posting!
Mulan, thanks for the update. I have often thought of you and wondered what was going on with your WH. It's so much better for you not having him there to throw his Affairs in your face. I hope you fall out of love and get to a point that you don't want his drama around you. One day he will wake up to the damage he caused but it looks like it will be a long time yet. Take care of your mental and physical health - things could get nasty (ier). TT
I have not followed you story at length. That said, I have a somewhat different set of thoughts after reading your letter to WH's lawyer.
It works like this;
Men, males, whatever, are heavily influenced by their work environment. They spend eight or more hours a day under the sway of a culture that is set by those in charge of the workplace, those who set policy, performance and goals. Those same individuals decide what conduct is or isn't appropriate in the process of achieving company goals for profit and stockholder or owner value.
Given the committment most men make to their work, those same men would find it very, very difficult to resist a workplace environment calculated and I mean calculated, to encourage the bonding of male/female fellow employee relationships. This would work to destroy the families of those same employees on the altar of company success, in theory. In fact, a lack of ethics in the workplace can have the opposite effect given that said employees might very well spend company time focusing on extramarital hanky panky instead of work.
I think you have a lawsuit. Find a pitbull Attorney and see if he/she (more likely she) agrees.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I worked for a company with the same culture and it was disgusting. They had several SH suits filed against them, but they never seemed to learn.
If the company you are talking about is in the East, then it may be the one I worked for. I agree, you may have a lawsuit but you'll probably have to stand in line....
I'm so sorry to read this. I agree that you need to retain a pitbull of an attorney so you're legally protected, do not spare expense on getting THE best. You can not trust your husband to look out for your interests. You have to be your own protector emotionally and financially.
I think your letter is probably posted on that legal office's bulletin board!
I know that every single person in that office read it, because it states facts that people have wanted to say and NEVER SAY.
You nailed it. I say, KUDOS TO MULAN.
I hope that your WH reads it - I have no doubt his lawyer will show it to him. If nothing else, your WH will have those words from you stuck in his head, and he will NEVER BE ABLE TO UNRING THAT BELL.
I've posted before about boundaries. I know there's one on the "Notable Posts" thread. I hope all realize that this is a chance you take when you finally hold to your boundary and refuse to back down.
By not backing down I've been sued for divorce, but at least I still have a half-shred of self-respect. That's way more than I can say for WH.
I've done the best Plan B ever - 100% dark and silent - since approximately June 1. Y'all would be proud.
Two observations:
Pexeva and Ativan are two of the best things ever invented. Really.
Thank the gods I live in a community property state.
I'm so glad you have come online and said what's going on. I have been so worried about you from the last time you were here. Please keep posting and letting us know your journey.
It's one of the most difficult because of the games involved and yet I have a feeling so many others have experienced what you have lived for so long.
I didn't originally see this last year, I am very sorry for the turn this took for you and your family. I have thought of you often and you have helped me more than you know, so thank you for that.
If you are able, please post an update as lots of us care about you here.
After I got out of 5 days of voluntary stay in the psych ward in April 2008 - one year ago! - I finally went on an antidepressant (Pexeva). Once it kicked in, I realized that it's just an emotional painkiller, the same way that ibuprofen or morphine are just physical painkillers. They don't do anything to cure what hurts you, but they do stop much of the suffering so you can still function.
At that point, around June 1 of 2008, he was still living at home but I simply stopped talking to him. This was no problem, because he'd already stopped talking to me - he knew all he had to do was wait for his pathetic little puppy to come crawling in for a few crumbs of attention, and then he could generously hand them out and bask in being so very very wanted and superior.
When I began living as though he wasn't there, he got very, very angry. Did all the things that normally triggered me the worst - ignoring me, shutting himself in a room without me, leaving the house without warning, disappearing on trips, etc.
None of it worked. I just didn't care anymore. I simply left him alone.
After about 10 days, he packed some stuff and moved out to the apartment he'd already rented. I have no idea when or if he was actually planning to move to it - I suspect he he thought he'd stay there when some ho-bag or other was available and come back "home" whenever I broke down and begged him to.
He made two trips on moving day - I think he made a point of doing that. I did nothing and said nothing - simply sat in my office and watched him. The last time I ever saw him was June 10, 2008, when he drove away from our home with his two computers and big-screen tvs in the back of his truck.
I don't know if he ever called me or not. I stopped answering my phones and blocked his email. I have not seen him or spoken to him since. I have no idea what he is doing and I do NOT want to know.
I signed his filthy divorce papers. I got the house and he paid off my car. He has to pay alimony for 6 years. It was worth a lot to him to get rid of me.
The worst part of this has been walking around for all those years thinking I was loved and special, and then finding out the truth - that I never meant a damn thing to him and he couldn't wait to throw me away like last week's garbage once he finally had to choose between me and his wh*res.
Please don't tell me how much better off I am without him. He really was a wonderful man until his corporate success went to his head like a drug. I manage, but I am very, very lonely.
At least he can't hurt me anymore. That's the only good thing about this. He can't hurt me anymore, though he still tries.
I will try to post sometimes and maybe try to help some other folks - you know, I make all the mistakes and get the psych treatment, and pass the savings on to you!
P.S. My DS21 has been wonderful. Don't know what I would have done without him. My daughter and her family have been lifesavers, too.
The house is very strange and different now - I call it the Island of Misfit Toys. It's filled with things nobody wanted - throwaway wives, throwaway kids (we've had a couple of DS's friends stay with us who would otherwise be homeless) and even throwaway cats (two rescues). And it's in the final divorce papers that WXH is NOT to take the cats away, especially the black kitten that he supposedly just adored. Heh. Mulan
Mulan, it's good to get an update from you. So glad your kids have been so supportive to you. Blessings to you - I hope you continue to get stronger everyday. TT
Mulan, how nice to see an update. It's a darn shame when life throws us a doozy of a curve ball and we just can't change it. You sound stronger. That's good to see.
The house is very strange and different now - I call it the Island of Misfit Toys.
Hm... how 'bout a name change? because...
Quote
It's filled with things nobody wanted - throwaway wives, throwaway kids (we've had a couple of DS's friends stay with us who would otherwise be homeless) and even throwaway cats (two rescues).
This sounds more like a home filled with love and caring for good people who happened 2 be on the receiving end of some narcissist's nonsense. He threw himself away, not you or your family.
In the years I've known you on here, Mulan, you've always been a person of high integrity and values. You're a winner.
The house is very strange and different now - I call it the Island of Misfit Toys. It's filled with things nobody wanted - throwaway wives, throwaway kids (we've had a couple of DS's friends stay with us who would otherwise be homeless) and even throwaway cats (two rescues).
Mulan, I am so sorry about your marriage. Thanks for posting because I had wondered how you were so many times.
Are you really a "MISFIT?" Or is the definition given you by a wayward? Do you respect his opinion enough to allow him to define you? Why does he get to define you?
My suggestion would be to line up a NEW DEFINER, since he did such a shabby job. He might have rejected you as a misfit, but that does not mean you *ARE* a MISFIT. You have a choice whether or not to adopt his label.
I think it is a stupid label, because I do know you somewhat, and rather than being "MISFIT" I have found you to be a very intelligent, bright, wise woman of character. You are a great writer who has a very unique writing ability. I have seen your picture and you are a very beautiful woman, too.
If you are going to delegate the defining of your identity, can I do it instead of a falling down, selfish, self centered, cruel wayward?
Like the rest of so many people I too have wondered how you are doing. I was so worried about you and my prayers have been answered that you are hanging in there.
You have an amazing story to tell of survival. Please know that you offer me and so many others points of view that only we can.
Please be good to yourself and know how special you are to us.
As so many others, I have thought of you many, many times as well and I am so happy you let us know how you are doing.
I am sad for you that things turned out this way...mostly I am very angry at your exH for being such a narcisist and hurting you this way. No one deserves this kind of treatment.
I hope you continue to heal. Remember that the best revenge is a life well lived. You will soon have that and exH will not, ever.
The house is very strange and different now - I call it the Island of Misfit Toys.
Hm... how 'bout a name change? because...
Quote
It's filled with things nobody wanted - throwaway wives, throwaway kids (we've had a couple of DS's friends stay with us who would otherwise be homeless) and even throwaway cats (two rescues).
This sounds more like a home filled with love and caring for good people who happened 2 be on the receiving end of some narcissist's nonsense. He threw himself away, not you or your family.
In the years I've known you on here, Mulan, you've always been a person of high integrity and values. You're a winner.
-ol' 2long
Best.
Words.
Ever.
Throwing my arms around Mulan ((((((((((((((MULAN))))))))))))))
Hi Mulan, it is good to hear from you and know that he can no longer hurt you. Your posts to me meant a lot to me when I first came here. I grabbed on to every word. You helped me through the hardest times.
You know you do mean a lot to many here and you are loved and respected. It cannot possibly replace what you thought you had, but I just wanted to remind you of that.
I hope you will be able to share support to others here now who could greatly benefit from your wisdom.
That letter probably knocked those attorneys on their rears!
You cut it to the bone. If I were you, I would send a copy right to the CEO and Board members of that company your husband works for, because they should know that they are wide open for lawsuits.
Even if it does nothing else, it will make their little attorneys worry and scurry for hours, drag your WH in for questioning, his OW (plural) in for questioning, and lots of paperwork and memos to be generated - you can count on it.
Nothing happens faster in a corporation than when they have a fear of someone filing a lawsuit.
I can see the little cockroaches running around now.
Hi guys - thanks so much for all the kind responses.
"Island of Misfit Toys" was just a bit of dark humor. I am a fan of it and it does sort of help. For anyone who might not know the reference, it's from the very old but very popular cartoon *Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer*. And in the end, Santa did help all the unwanted toys find loving homes.
Oh, yeah, I do plan to send that letter to a list of very special people - both old friends he's been lying to *and* the top brass at his beloved Company. I would be shocked if the company did anything but laugh - gee, for some reason there are *loads* of crazy insane spouses married to their best workers, the poor poor workers, they're such victims. But it's going. As soon as the D is final.
Thanks again. I will try to repay by posting when I can (I work a lot of hours now as a medical transcriptionist). I truly am grateful for my friends here and for my family and even for my looney cats who always keep me company. Mulan
I was glad to hear from you. I have concluded that silence is the only appropriate response to degrading treatment. You finally stopped coming to him as a supplicant.
Good for you.
I told myself long ago that, if you choose your marriage over your dignity, you will lose both. You may have lost your marriage, and you lost your dignity for a time, but you are on the path to restoring your dignity.
I've often thought that our marriages were similar. My husband and I are still living together. He actually went a whole week of being nice. Now he's back to nasty, and I just stay away from him.
You're out of an abusive dynamic when you, as the abused woman, realize that there is nothing -- absolutely nothing -- you can do to have your husband treat you well. It's up to him.
You're safe, you're alive, and you have a child who is standing by you. On this Good Friday, count your blessings. I encourage you to be a witness here on Marriage Builders as well. You are witnessing to the need to recognize the free will of your spouse. That's what the post "Be still" seems to me to be all about.
I had an aunt who returned to an empty house after delivering her youngest to college. Her husband had moved in with another woman. She killed herself that following January.
There are some who do not survive the emotional abuse of a husband who treats his wife with contempt. Yes, you ended up in a psych ward, but you have survived -- and you have a child who will know how to survive.
Cherished
PS. Don't bother with the letter to the company, which no doubt has its hands in the TARP pot. Personally, I think the financial meltdown has to do with the end of Wall Street as we know it. It was a den of thieves. Obama is extending its life, but it's over. Your husband was part of that viper's tangle, which by the way is a book I'd recommend you read. "Viper's tangle." It's about a husband who justified his behavior until he recognized the truth at the very end.
Mulan, you know, you've made it this far. Please don't forget that we care. You are wonderful and beautiful to us. When you look in the mirror, take time to recognize your own magnificence. You mean a lot to many people.
if you choose your marriage over your dignity, you will lose both.
So, so true Cherished. Kelly Pickler sang a song on American Idol this week, and although I couldn't understand a lot of the words, I understood the part that said "A cheater's always a cheater. I've got my pride and she's got you." I've been repeating that over and over again this week. It helps....
'Cause I'll be there in the back of your mind From the day we met till you were making me cry And it's just too bad you're already had the best days The best days of your life
Ain't it a shame A shame that every time you hear my name Brought up in a casual conversation You can't think straight?
And ain't it sad You can forget about what we had Take a look at her and do you like what you see Or do you wish it was me?
I'll be there in the back of your mind From the day we met to the very last night And it's just too bad you've already had the best days The best days of your life
And does she know Know about the times you used to hold me Wrapped me in your arms and how you told me I'd be the only one?
I heard about Yeah, someone told me once when you were out She went a little crazy, ran her mouth about me Ain't jealousy funny?
'Cause I'll be there in the back of your mind From the day we met to the very last night And it's just too bad you've already had the best days The best days of your
Life with me was a fairytale love I was head over heals till you threw away us And it's just too bad you've already had the best days The best days of your life
I heard you're gonna get married, have a nice little family Live out my dreams with someone new But I've been told that a cheater is always a cheater So I've got my pride and she's got you
'Cause I'll be there in the back of your mind From the day we met till you were making me cry And it's just too bad you've already had the best days The best days of your life
Of your life, oh, oh yeah You're gonna think of me You're gonna think of me in your life Oh, oh yeah
It's a shame, it's a shame it's a shame, it's a shame, it's a shame, it's a shame
Thank you for this update. You have been in my prayers.
A friend of mine was horrified to find that one of her kidneys had developed a cancer and it needed immediate management to prevent the cancer spreading.
She had the kidney removed. With it went ALL the toxin that had been weakening her. To begin with she was scared because she didn't how she could live with a major organ she had depended on all her life removed. CUT away from her.
The first days after the resection were the scariest. Then slowly, day after day she survived, then thrived. Her working, non toxic organs compensated for the bad one that was removed. The scar hurt sometimes, but she hurled herself into sport with her new found energy, and her new fitness and strength meant she rarely considered her scar. She became fitter and more capable than ever before, and with a new found appreciation of life, health and vigour having lived in the shadow of weakness and fear for so long.
She would always have a space where her kidney had been, but she was in every way better off without it.
