Hi my friends,

I was on here about 2 years ago and thought you people can help this lady. I found (stuchinthemud) on a family web site. She posted about an old BF from the past and that she can't seem to get him out of her head. I told her to come to this site and start reading and that I would make post for her so you guys could help.

I'm hoping Marsh or other FWW see this so they can help her stop before it gets too far. She has brought the book HNHN.

thanks all.
Maybe2late

Hey M2L,

Remember me? I think it was you who started the "Hate MB, Love MB" thread a couple springs ago that lead to the chat about a cyber BBQ picnic. Right? I was addicted to MB posting at the time and always late for work but THAT was a fun thread.

I've wondered how you're doing. I've been 'on vacation' for a couple months and mostly post on the recovery forum, but I'm glad to see you checking in.

Ace

P.S. Do you have an update? If you haven't done so, could you please post about your recovery (personal and/or marital) on the Success Stories thread which is linked to my sig line? I've been off so long that I have no idea what page it's sunk to, but the link should take you right to it, I hope. Thanks.

Let me add a little info:

Stuckinthemud has been married since 1999.

Not sure about kids.

She keep emaling an old BF from college, but wants to stop and work with her DH to have a good marriage. I have told her that ALL CONTACT MUST STOP ASAP!!!

One last important item, her DH travels a lot for work. I have asked her if he can change that to be togther more. She has not talked about that.


Ace ~ I do remember you and the others (ML, Marsh, Pep, LG, Shattered D.

Just curious, is she going to start her own thread?

Edited to add: BTW, she isn't almost a WW she is a WW in an EA. If she is already to the point he is constantly in her thoughts and "can't" stop emailing she is already addicted to him and the feelings associated with him.

The very first thing she needs to do is tell her DH about how she is feeling about this other guy.

Sure it will be a hard conversation and he will be hurt, but I certainly would have rather told my DH I was attracted to another man than to tell him I had an A with him.

If he knows he can help keep her honest about what she is doing. They both need to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. She should also research Emotional Affairs.

LC

thanks,maybe2late, for getting me started here. I'm not sure even where to begin with this post. It will be long. Firstoff, I've looked around the site awhile now and I am wondering where are all the ws's that have stopped their affairs and made it work with their bs? I really could stand to hear encouraging words from those who have strayed but were able to reconnect with their bs and make it work. My biggest fear is not necessarily cutting off contact with om but cutting off contact with om and then not being able to reconnect with my dh. So, success stories from ws would be great to hear.
Now, about my situation. Married to dh for 8 years(1999), together 13, married when we were both 28. 2 young girls (4years and 1 year). My girls are great and dh is wonderful. He is caring, honest, loving, hardworking, funny. Dh works about 80hours a week. In about 2002, ex-boyfriend that I dated for 2 years,finds me via email. Emails me a polite hello. I email back. Since then we had emailed a handful of times, maybe 5 emails in 6 years (until this past week), just how are you, or Merry Christmas. I have had many dreams about us getting back together, and dh is in dream too and it is always the same dream about kind-of flirting/acknowleding that we kind-of like one another but knowing we shouldn't because I'm married and in the dream we never end up together (I've had this dream about one other ex too, very strange). But, gradually over the course of the past 6 years, mostly this past year, I have increasingly become obessessed in thoughts of him, not just dreams but while I'm awake I think about him. Now over the past 3 weeks or so it has gotten completely out of hand. I thing about him non-stop. Every song,every place I go,all the time. It got so bad I brokedown and emailed him.He lives out of state and I have not seen him since before I met dh. All this time I resisted the temptation to email him something that expressed my thougts of him but this past 3 weeks I just had to know if he had any feelings for me like I have for him (he does). Anyway, so that is where I am at. I have not done nc yet. I plan to sooner than later (addiction-I know). I was hoping by emailing him my feelings and hearing his it would provide a sense of closure for me so I can close that chapter and get back to fixing my marriage, now that I've created chaos in it (dh does not know of my emails or my constant thinking of another man). And crazy enough I do feel like knowing that he is still attracted to me provides a bit of closure for me. I for some reason needed to know that I wasn't alone in being stuck in the past(mud). I broke things off with him because I was really upset each time after we had sex so I figured he must not be the one. Well, then I found I struggled with the same sexual issues with my dh, and while we were dating tried to break it off with him too, for the same reason. Now I realize what I struggled with (low desire for sex) had nothing to do with them and more to do with me. So it ended up that I broke up with a man that I am more pysically attracted to than my dh, and now I am left wondering if I should have just stayed with ex knowing now that the sex thing really could have been resolved.
Well, probably waaaay...too much info. to post but I certainly don't care at this point as I need the help.
I'd really like to find a counselor who goes by the marriagebuilders process but didn't find one listed when I searched the site. I see my counselor tomorrow but I've got to find one closer to me so I can go regularily. Not for mc but just for me for now. Thanks for any insight and like I said, I need some success stories from ws's. And I know, I need to stop all contact with om before I get in even deeper. Help

Hello stuckinthemud, I’m an FWW. I’m writing all of this from the voice of experience.

“dh does not know of my emails or my constant thinking of another man)”

He needs to know. Affairs (A’s) thrive on secrecy. Since there has not been anything physical in your A yet, you are fortunate because it is the perfect time to have a serious talk with your DH. Let him know your marriage (M) is in trouble and about the emails to and from OM. Tell him that you find yourself tempted by OM and that you realize this is a wake-up call to you that you need to work with your H on issues in your M. Make sure your H knows you love him and want to think about him, not OM.

“Now I realize what I struggled with (low desire for sex) had nothing to do with them and more to do with me.”

It’s good that you realize this!

“So it ended up that I broke up with a man that I am more pysically attracted to than my dh, and now I am left wondering if I should have just stayed with ex knowing now that the sex thing really could have been resolved.”

This does not make sense. The “sex thing” can be resolved with your H, too. Besides, OM is no longer an option. The reason he is not an option is because:

“Married to dh for 8 years(1999), together 13, married when we were both 28. 2 young girls (4years and 1 year). My girls are great and dh is wonderful. He is caring, honest, loving, hardworking, funny.”

In an A, everyone gets hurt. Everyone. Including children.

“My biggest fear is not necessarily cutting off contact with om but cutting off contact with om and then not being able to reconnect with my dh.”

This is a very selfish statement. Forget OM. Forget about the dreams – they are NOT special messages or indications that you and OM should be together. Turn your attention to your H and make every effort to reconnect with him because he is your H and the father of your children. If you had a marriage ceremony, I’m assuming you made a sacred vow to your H to remain faithful.

Do not keep OM in the wings as someone to fall back on in case you do not reconnect with your H. You cannot reconnect with your H if OM is in the picture in any form or fashion.

OM is messing with another man’s wife. He is not a good choice as a partner of any kind.

“And I know, I need to stop all contact with om before I get in even deeper.”

You are already in pretty deep. You are already addicted to the way you feel when you think of or email OM. Notice I said you are addicted to the way you feel, not OM. You are enjoying the rush – the adrenaline and endorphin “high.” Cold turkey is the best way to go, and the most respectful thing to do for your H and children.

You can only imagine how much I wish I had told my H about my A while it was still in the emotional affair (EA) emailing-an-old-BF stage, instead of having to tell him after it became a physical affair (PA). Both types of A’s are devastating, but the PA feels much worse to me now that I’ve been through it. If I could undo only one thing in my life, the PA would be it.

My H and I have been recovering for over 6 years now. It has been a very long, difficult, unpleasant road. Please turn your attention to your H, your M, and your children. Be thankful that you have an opportunity to stop the nonsense regarding OM sooner rather than later.

“I see my counselor tomorrow” I hope your session goes well. A counselor who is pro-marriage is a must. Marriage counseling (MC) is a must, also.

God bless,
Rose

If you worry about your H's reaction when you tell him about the OM, you could tell him in counseling, or have a close friend or relative (someone you trust who loves you both) present when you tell him.

Rose

Rose, thank you thank you for your words and story. I can go to bed encouraged.

Glad if I can help, stuckinthemud. You are doing the right thing by looking for help. Be strong! Good night.

God bless,
Rose

Hi Rose,

So glad to see you posting. I didn't recognize your name so I looked up your posting history. I've been gone a couple months so I don't recognize a lot of names.

When I was searching your profile I found the spam list you posted in 2003. I started a recovery vacation thread last summer and that list was perfect for it. I hope you don't mind that I cut and pasted the list of What Kids Think About Marriage.

Here's the link to the top of the page (scroll down to the bottom):

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1920402&fpart=302

Stuckinthemud....I've had multiple Almost EA's. Details in chapter 6 of our recovery story attacked to my sig line.

Glad you're seeking help,SITM. Rose and LC have great insights from personal experiences.

Ace

Stuckinthemud,

I agree with Rose, tell your DH about the contact.

Sit him down and tell him what you have done. It will seem hard and uncomfortable, but it will be a heck of a lot easier to tell him this than to tell him you had a physical relationship with this other guy.

My DH had no clue I had had an A until 15 months after I ended it. My A was mostly emotional, we did have physical contact (a few makeout sessions). Thankfully, we did not have sex. The guilt and keeping the secret about killed me.

What I did was write down everything I wanted to tell my DH. I knew if I didn't write it down I would forget stuff (probably intentionally). Don't downplay the situation. Tell him you both need to work on meeting each other's needs.

My DH worked a ton of hours like your DH and we totally neglected each other. You can easily learn how to meet each other's needs even with busy schedules.

My DH has posted a little here on this board and our entire story is on a success story thread. If you click where it says "Our Success Story" in my sigline, you can read it if you are interested. My DH's username is Docp.

Our marriage has fully recovered from a nighmare I created that was so avoidable had I had the guts to tell him I was feeling neglected in our marriage and found myself attracted to someone else.

LC

stuckinthemud...

OH. MY. GOSH.

You are ME back in 2005, EXCEPT you are doing something that I did not do, you are seeking HELP before going completely down the wayward tube...You have given yourself, your husband and your children the BEST chance of a wonderful marriage and family by coming here, IF you will LISTEN...Oh I pray you will listen...

I did have an affair with my ex hs/college bf...By the grace of God our marriage did recover, but so many do not...And the damage that I did to myself and my husband I can never take back, no matter how much I wish it...YOU have a golden opportunity here stuckinthemud, PLEASE, PLEASE take it...No one ever regrets doing the right thing...

I know very well about living out that fantasy in your head regarding the exbf...Everything is very romanticized and different...It takes you back to a time in your life that was more carefree...a time before you had mommy responsibilities...I could go on and on, but I know you know what I'm talking about...It's not REAL though...it is pure fantasy...the same problems you have now you would have with him only worse because it would be a relationship built on the pain and destruction of others...a foundation of lies and deceit...and your poor children's family would be destroyed...oh no, no...

I will do everything in my power to help you save your family from the pain and destruction that is GUARANTEED to follow if you don't end contact with OM right now...Please email me stuckinthemud, use the address in my signature...Our situations are so eerily similar that I would be happy to talk to you if you would like...There are things that I could better share with you by talking...I have free nationwide long distance and I'd be happy to call you if you would feel comfortable with that...I am THRILLED that you have come here for help and like I said earlier, I pray that you will listen...

Mrs. W

P.S. Maybe2Late!!! What up dawg? It's great to see you around...you did a great thing bringing stuckinthemud here! Would love to hear an update either here or in email!

Thanks for stepping in Mrs.W. I was just about to put a call out to you and Marsh to get your help. Almost forgot my password it's been so long.

Stuck - LISTEN to these women, they were you at one point and you can learn from them.

thanks agian Mrs.W.
M2L

Start a thread for YOU M2L!!! We sure do miss your sense of humor around here! If I recall correctly, your marriage may not have made it, but that doesn't mean that YOU aren't a personal recovery success story - Sometimes for a BS, divorce IS success...Your wisdom is still VERY valuable here...

Mrs. W

shucks

Oh I cannot tell you how relieved I am to come on here today and see some posts to help me. I am in crisis mode right now and will really really need your help to get me through this. Thank you, I am grateful. ONe moment I know I can do this, save our marriage and reconnect with my dh and one minute I feel like it will never work and even by nc with ex I will not be able to rekindle the relationship with dh. He certainly deserves a spouse who can give him all he needs and deserves. Gotta run right now but I will be back hopefully later tonight with more details and questions. Peace

Rose55-you are right, saying that I am afraid to cut off contact with om and that dh and I won't be able to reconnect is completely selfish. That is what is an affair really is isn't it? Just plain selfish. I love what you said that I am addicted to the way the om makes me feel and the emotions that go with that, not to om. I hope that is the case. You said I can fix the "sex thing" but how? I'm not so sure. I've been to a sex therapist, I've been trying for years now. I'm not sure which came first the chicken or the egg. My en's not being met so then I didn't feel connected so the sex was not fulfilling or the sex was not fulfilling emotionally (not physically) so I pulled away emotionally.
I have many more comments to make and questions but is there a way to have the space I am typing in on the same page as people's comments? I want to respond to some posts but don't know how to flip back in forth to what I am writing and what you all have written. Is there a way to do that?

Lifeschoice and other ws's out there-have you been able to move on in such a way that you have let go of the constant attraction/addiction to om?? I don't want to live with my mind constantly thinking about someone else. I plan to live like that if need be, because I don't intend on divorce and I do intend to recover the best we can in our M but I really want to live focused on my dh and not on om.

Mrswondering-you say it is pure fantasy but is it really? I mean, I spent time 2 years with this om yet, albeit a long time ago but I know I am attracted to him. As you know, this type of thing is so different from an ea on the internet with someone you never met, and also so different from an ea with a "new" person you just met. I'm sure others will disagree and say it is all the same, ea's are ea's. I am so grateful you are here. I will certainly be emailing you and would very much like to talk over the phone for more insight. Thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my broken heart.

Stuckinthemud,

If you haven't already done so be sure to read the basic concepts. They are linked in the nav bar at the top of the page.

The way I respond to posts I want to see is to open them in a new window or tab in my browser. That way you can copy and paste to quote stuff and see what you are replying to as you go along.

Some additional links that might help are:

Steps to take to overcome infidelity
Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love
Romantic Love: Is it a Realistic Goal
How to Meet Emotional needs

The comparison to an addiction is not merely an analogy, BTW. The chemicals released in the brain are the same ones that are present in an addict as they use their drug of choice. And like any addict, your cravings will lessen as you go through withdrawal, which will have many of the same symptoms as withdrawal from drugs or alcohol including depression, rapid mood swings and a general lethargy mixed with periods of determination to succeed followed by moments of shear panic and terror. My wife even took anti-depressants for a while after she began NC with OM.

Mark

You can not lose your feelings for the OM if you still see him.

If you are having an affair you will never recover your feelings for your BH.

Why would a sane person want to build a life with a cheater?

If they will cheat with you the will cheat on you!

Mark, thank you for the links, I will be checking those out soon. And, thanks for the info. on addiction. So, what am I addicted to? I've only been in contact with other man on an inappropiate level about 3 times over email in the past 2 weeks. Other than that it was an emotional affair in my own head for 6 years. He had no idea I was even thinking of him. Am I addicted to the thoughts I had of him for the past 6 years?

TheRoad-I don't see om (he is in another state) but do have the ability to email him (that is how we contact one another. Just a minor detail but I wanted to be clear about it. I'm certain if I ever saw him I'd cross that line into pa vs. ea.
Also, he is not married. So if you are referring to me being the sane person wanting to start a life with a cheater, I'm not feeling sane but he is not married.

Yes, I most certainly moved on from the constant thoughts of and attraction to my FOM. I cannot remember the last time I even thought of him. Your FOM will eventually just become a nobody. I was very good friends with my FOM for 5 years before we crossed the line, so it's not like he was a total stranger to me and I was able to let it all go and move on. An A really is a total fantasy world. It all felt so real until I look at it in hingsight. It was all ridiculously stupid, I just didn't want to see it.

NC is the key. Like Rose told you, you will find it's the addiction to the feelings, not to the person.

This may be the wake up call your DH needs to get him involved in wanting to meet your EN. You may be surprised to find you can actually have all those feelings you have for the OM for your DH. The best part of that is you can act on it and enjoy every second because you will be having the feelings for the person you are married to.

Prior to my A, I had completely checked out of my marriage and was setting myself up financially to leave my DH. Now I cannot imagine my life w/o him in it.

LC

Hi stuckinthemud,

“I have many more comments to make and questions but is there a way to have the space I am typing in on the same page as people's comments?”

I copy and paste everything I want to comment on into Word, then I copy or cut and paste quotes into my reply (in Word). Then I copy the reply into the message board. The post I’m replying to shows up beneath the window that opens to type a response into. Hope that makes sense.

Mark is right about reading the links. Have you bought any of Dr. Harley’s books? His Needs, Her Needs is the one our pastor gave us first.


“I was hoping by emailing him my feelings and hearing his it would provide a sense of closure for me so I can close that chapter and get back to fixing my marriage...And crazy enough I do feel like knowing that he is still attracted to me provides a bit of closure for me.”

Trust me – there is no such thing as “closure.” Looking for it has ruined, or nearly ruined, a lot of people. It’s just an excuse to continue an A. Even if you feel “closure,” it is a temporary fix, and you will begin to need more “closure” in just a little while.

“I mean, I spent time 2 years with this om yet, albeit a long time ago but I know I am attracted to him.”

I had known FOM for two years also, in high school. It had been over 30 years ago, and believe me when I tell you, neither of us are even remotely the same people we were back then. Even if it has only been 15 or 20 years since you knew OM, and even if you both still look terrific, you are not the same people you were then. It will NOT be like you remember it. You are older now, you have an H and children now. You are different, inside and out.

A therapist told me years ago that “you can’t go back home.” (This was years before my A.) He meant that everything there will be different than you remember, and that you will be disappointed. When I visited FOM, I also saw some other old friends from back in the day. I found that I no longer even liked some of them. We had nothing in common, and I disagreed with a lot of their world views. It was a nightmare of disappointment and shock.

“My en's not being met so then I didn't feel connected so the sex was not fulfilling or the sex was not fulfilling emotionally (not physically) so I pulled away emotionally. “

Something I’ve learned from being married 32 years, and also from reading and talking to other women, is that some men express love differently than women do. Having sex CAN BE an emotional expression of love from our Hs. It’s the only way they know how to communicate sometimes. It helps to know that. Reading about emotional needs and filling out the questionnaires with your H, and spending time talking to your H about these things can help.

God bless,
Rose

Lifeschoice-I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear that you were able to get fom out of your head. It gives me such hope. Thank you.
Rose-you are so right on. The closure is never really closure, it will always leave me wanting more and wondering. One last email to him or from him or one last question etc...
I've got to run, more questions later, thanks all. I have hope because of you.

REally stupid question but..how do I end it? Internet communication, ea. I want to stop contact this weekend. I'm scared but want to end things before they get anymore tangled and hurtful to my family and dh.Do most people send a final "well, this is it, I've got to move forward", kind of thing?
And I have avoided saying anything to dh because I wanted to end things first with om. I plan to talk with dh on Sunday but why do I need to tell him everything? I get the secrecy thing but does he need details? I admitted to om that I was sttracted to him, om admitted to me that he was attracted to me and that is it. The rest of the problems really have been in my head over the course of the past 6 years, me just thinking about om. I guess I see that as the real problem.
Should I be starting a new thread for different questions to get more input or just post on same thread??

Not a stupid question at all. There is a no contact letter here on this site. I will find it and post it here after I get DD out the door to school.

Once you send the NC letter to him, you have to cancel your email account immediately, save a copy of the NC letter to show your DH. You do not want to read any reply FOM may send. End it and cut all contact, PERIOD. If he has your phone number do not answer calls from him. Do you have caller ID? If not, get it.

The note to OM should be short, no drama, no sappy stuff and don't ramble on and on. (BTDT more than once :RollieEyes:)



Just curious why you are waiting until Sunday to tell your DH? Do it sooner if you can, I know it's easier to avoid, but don't.

Also no blaming your DH, no drama and don't beat around the bush. Have it written out, something like this: Honey, I need to tell you something very difficult. I have been secretely emailing my old BF for such amount of time. I find myself attracted to him so I have cut off all contact with him. I am sorry for what I have done and hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for allowing this to happen. I want to be open and honest with you and will share all you want to know. I want to work together to improve our marriage so we both can be happy.

Tell him the basics of it and tell him you will share details if he wants them. What a BS wants to know it up to them. My DH wanted to know everything, some BS want to know minimal. Don't just throw it on him.



Don't start a new thread. It's better to keep it all on one. It makes it easier to follow your story.

No time to proofread I have to run.

LC

Well, you could TELL YOUR HUSBAND THE TRUTH!!!

Yes, this is definitely the short answer. By telling your DH it will help keep you honest.

BTW, don't downplay any of it to your DH.

LC

Because he's a human being who you are manipulating like an animal. It's disgusting. You are MANIPULATING another human being! One you promised to cherish ABOVE ALL OTHERS!!!




You need no more advice than to TELL YOUR HUSBAND THE TRUTH and stop MANIPULATING HIM LIKE AN ANIMAL!!!

This is not correct!!!

Her AND HER HUSBAND write the NC letter and HE mails it!!!

Yes, I get that and was a little torn between telling her to end it or telling her H first.

I don't see why she can't end it before she tells him. They can still send the NC letter together. I think it would be better if she could tell her DH "Honey, I ended it already" vs "Honey, I was waiting to tell you so you could help me end it."

BTW, what's up with the giant font?

OMG, STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!!! My FWW pulled the same thing. Do you have any idea how humiliating, and how much resentment it causes, for a WS to treat a BS as just another contestant on the Dating Game? If you have problems with your H, work on those. Leave OM out of the picture. If you can't work things out with H, then divorce him. OM will likely still be there. Maybe he won't, but that's the risk you take when you promise to "forsake all others" How would you like it if he held you up for comparisoin every time he met a prettier/funnier/smarter/sexier/richer woman?


Another, OMG!! My FWW's relationship with her OM began with a lot of phone calls, during which the sexual enuendos and teasing increased, increasing the sexual tension between them. My FWW then thought if they just got together once, they'd get it out of their systems and have closure. HA! 3 hrs of nonstop sex the first night led to 5 hrs nonstop sex the next afternoon, and then another 3 hrs nonstop sex the day after (I was out of town on business). The point is, you don't get closure - you get more infatuated and more addicted. Break off all contact now, or it will be too late, if it isn't already.


I don't get it. You say you have a low desire for sex, but imply that a principal criteria of yours in a mate is physical attractiveness? Do you like to look, but not to touch?

I see you are a FWW. Ask any BS why. What good is a copy of a letter that the BS had no input on and doesn't even know if it was really sent? Guess what...Waywards LIE!






I want her to hear LOUD AND CLEAR!

In the worldview of the BS, its not over until the NC letter is sent. Up until then, the BS has only the WS's word on it (unless the BS listened in on the last phonecall), and WS had just lost a lot of credibility with BS.

Just a couple of observations here for you.

To begin with, you say this has been going on in your head for 6 years.

I would question if this were really true unless you have been in contact with him all that time.

I know it FEELS like you just haven't ever been able to forget him, but if you had no contact with him at all even for a few weeks you would not be dwelling on him all the time and would in fact have periods when you wouldn't think of him at all. The less you obsessed with him the less you would think of him until you thought of him very seldom...

Unless there was some other dynamic involved in the mix and I think that there is.


You have probably had some issues with your husband that have never been addressed. Rather than bring things up in an appropriate way you likely stuff them down where they cause resentment. You put all this stuff into a gunny sack and carry it around with you. This is a constant reminder to you of the hurt you have felt over certain things your husband has done.

But the past relationship with OM looks oh so attractive because he never did these things your husband has done. The comparison continues and soon you have created this entire fantasy life of what might have been. It brings you comfort from the load of {b]stuff[/b] you have been carrying around just waiting for the opportunity to dump them all out at once in one great explosion of anger. But instead, you retreat into your fantasy and choose (and it IS a choice) to dwell on this past flame.

The flame still burns hot because it has been fanned. And with a confession of undying love between you it was like pouring gasoline onto the fire.

But a fire needs three things, heat, fuel and oxygen. Remove any one of the three and the fire dies.

An affair needs three as well...
Entitlement - the heat
Resentment - the fuel
Selfishness - the oxygen

Remove any one of the three and the affair dies.

Using purely Marriage Builders ideas here, your old BF left you with an unresolved balance in his account in your Love Bank. It became an inactive account and the love units just sat there. There was no overhead on the account since there was no relationship that needed to be maintained.

You met your husband and he made sufficient deposits that his account balance became large enough that you began to feel in love with him. you never purged your BF's account because you had frankly forgotten it was there. You weren't dwelling on OM in those days.

But your marriage has overhead in order to keep it going that drains your Love Bank daily. REAL life has a way of doing that. Housework, laundry, dirty socks on the floor next to the hamper instead of in it...

And then there is something your husband does that just irritates the heck out you. This is his primary Love Buster. Every time this happens, his account in your Love Bank takes a huge hit. The fee for doing this causes his balance to drop.

But at some point he wasn't making enough deposits to make up for this overhead of the relationship. His balance fell below the minimum level required for you to feel in love with him

Enter old boyfriend...

Old account, long forgotten by the bank (you) no activity for years and suddenly a small deposit is made...Instantly this account becomes the active one and you stop taking deposits from your husband. This small deposit could actually have been made by you yourself rather than OM. It was a thought of something he once did and to make it worse, you compared him to your husband in this very instant. OM did this nice thing for me and husband did not do this nice thing for me...

Maybe the same nice thing or maybe two totally different things....

And in that instant you began to seek deposits from OM and his balance grew even higher and now, since you didn't have a real relationship with him, there was never anything to debit against his account and all that happened was the balance grew.

And you let it and even encouraged it...

This is exactly why Dr Harley says that we should never have any contact of any kind with any former lovers (lover meaning someone we once felt we were in love with)

You are addicted to the way OM makes you feel. He made deposits, that is, he did things that made you feel good and happy. Soon, merely thinking about him was enough to make you feel happy and feel good about yourself. You even could give yourself a fix just by thinking about him.

And when your supply of feeling good ran low and thinking didn't make you high enough, you'd have just enough contact to load up the stash and then use just enough to get by so it wouldn't run out so quickly.

You told yourself you were fighting the feelings.

You weren't fighting them, but managing them.

Have you read the Basic Concepts yet?
It will explain a lot...

Mark

See she has the advantage of having BS's tell her what to do. It seems pointless for her to tell him it's over and there will be no more contact only to send him a letter with her H the next day. Kill 2 birds with one stone and don't risk opening contact. Rmemeber MB isn't cookie cutter.

She doesn't need to be yelled at to get the point. She came here for help which says she is open to hearing what is said and you are not being very helpful by yelling at her, IMO.

Stuckinthemud,

I have some advice for you as you read through your thread. You are going to come across things that make you mad as you read them, mostly because they are hitting home. My advice is if something strikes a nerve, wait a little while and read it again.

I learned so much by being open to reading things that really upset me. There were times I had to walk away from my computer for a couple hours to calm down and let it sink in.

My email address is in my sig line, feel free to email me anytime.

LC

Thank you, this seems reasonable and makes sense.

Stuckinthemud,

I guess the thing to do is tell your DH then discuss the NC letter I will still find it and post it here so you have an idea of what it says. (ETA: since the search feature still isn't working I won't be able to find it for you. Perhaps someone else has it readily available and can post it, sorry.)

When I ended my A I called my FOM and said, "FOM, I just cannot do this anymore, we have to end it." I did not confess to my DH for 15 months after that. It was a huge mistake for me not to confess immediately.

Do you think your DH has any clue at all?

Hi all-

A BS really should write the NC letter. It gives him/her control of a situation that a foggy WS cannot be trusted to deal with appropriately. The BS needs to know exactly what was written to ensure that there is no doubt in the OP’s mind that NC is demanded. It also lets the OP know that the BS knows what is going on. It is also a sign of solidarity between the BS and the WS. In order to do this, the BS has to be told first, obviously.

stuckinthemud -

You can tell your H what you told us. “I admitted to om that I was sttracted to him, om admitted to me that he was attracted to me and that is it. The rest of the problems really have been in my head over the course of the past 6 years, me just thinking about om. I guess I see that as the real problem.” Then answer all of your DH's questions honestly.

Then, like lifechoice wrote, email address(es) and phone number(s) have to be changed. The BS can even lock all the computers in his/her trunk every day, if need be, while the WS goes through withdrawal. We all know that an addict can find ways around restrictions, but it doesn't hurt to make it as difficult as possible! In the end, though, the WS is the only one who can really make himself/herself stop the addictive behavior.

God bless,
Rose

You just don't get it do you? It is DANGEROUS for her to contact him AT ALL, even to tell him it's over.

The BS DESERVES to be a part of writing the NC letter and mailing it himself.



IMO she has not listened yet and also IMO you are giving her bad advice because it goes against MB principles.

Well if you had read further you would have seen I told her differently. I did not want to edit an old post.

BTW, don't bother to reply to me any longer you are officially going on my ignore list.

Let's keep the posts respectful and helpful to stuckinthemud.

Thanks, Revera

**EDIT**

STOP!

Thank you Revera!

Mark

**edit**

let this drop!

Hi again -

I found an NC letter in Dr. Harley's Surviving An Affair on page 58. In this scenerio, the WH actually wrote the letter, but he let his BW read it. A mutual friend delivered it so that no changes could be made on route. (With an email, this would be different, obviously).

Kevin wrote to his AP, "Amy, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that Lee did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay Lee for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship. Sincerely, Kevin"

Three days after d-day, our pastor (he was one of our MCs) advised us to sit together at the computer, have my DH dictate the NC letter as I typed, then hit the send button.

Just some examples.

God bless,
Rose

Okay, yes, I do understand that you spent 2 years with him and know that you are attracted to him...I had dated OM off and on for 9 years, so when I say I understand, I really, really do...A couple of things about that, (1) If you had indeed been so very compatible with OM, you both would have moved heaven and earth back when you were single and available to have been together, but you didn't...You broke up and clearly moved on...and (2) I'm not saying that you aren't attracted to him, clearly you are which makes him an even greater danger to your marriage obviously...Listen, we could all be ATTRACTED to other people, that really goes without saying, but that is what boundaries are for...To PROTECT us and our spouses from those attractions sparking something more...You know SITM, I can assure you that if your husband began chatting up an old girlfriend he could easily find himself attracted to her again...But marriage means that you've both committed to keeping yourselves out of the way of temptation...Is this making sense to you at all? I told you I'm better on the phone!

Here's the thing, it really doesn't matter that you are attracted to OM...it really wouldn't matter if you were head over heels in love with OM either...You already made your choice when you said "I do"...You are MARRIED...You have a husband and 2 little girls depending on you to love, honor and cherish their daddy...You promised...

As far as "is this really fantasy with om?"...Oh yeah, you better believe it is...How old were you when you dated OM? What did your life look like back then? Probably pretty footloose and fancy free I'm guessing...Certainly not the life you have now with your husband...One that includes the daily caring for two small children...one that likely includes a shared mortgage and multiple other bills...morning breath...illness...and multitude of other daily grind adult type stuff...So think about it, OBVIOUSLY when you IMAGINE how things would be with OM vs the REALITY of your life now, it looks VERY different...You and OM never shared REAL LIFE, did you? Guarantee you if you did, you would end up in the same place that you are with your husband...BUT like I said before, to be with OM would be WAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY worse...LIES, DECEIT, RELATIONSHIP BUILT ON THE BACKS OF OTHERS, DESTRUCTION OF YOUR CHILDREN'S FAMILY AND FUTURE...Big fat hairy deals SITM...MAJOR DEALS...

I suspect that you have used "fantasizing" to self-soothe when things weren't completely smooth sailing at home...We can talk more about that if you'd like...I was guilty of that for years, until I learned that reality is WAY better, and that if I am unhappy with something in my life then I am responsible for finding a healthy way of making myself happy...Happiness IS a choice...

Here's the BEST news though SITM, you can have the REALITY of TRUE love, passion and intimacy with your husband...Oh I promise...I didn't believe that when I first got here...you can go back and look at my old foggy posts and see how much I doubted if you'd like...(those posts are horrible and embarrassing, but they will show you how different I feel today)...If you work the MB program it works...



I hear what you are saying loud and clear..."Old flame" affairs are particularly horrible because you are combatting "newness" plus "history"...BUT they are the same in other ways because ALL affairs destroy marriages and families SITM...Interestingly though, "old flame" affairs further prove to me one of the reasons that Dr. Harley sites for NO CONTACT FOR LIFE being so crucial...He says that there will always remain a low burning flame for the affair partner that can be reignited upon contact...Do not let that terrify you, that does NOT mean that you will forever be pining for OM, it just shows you how important your commitment to NC must be...

A poster here, MelodyLane, is a recovering alcoholic...I believe she has been sober for 23 years...She likens this to her "NC agreement" with alcohol...She does not sit around fantasizing about alcohol or waxing nostalgic about getting drunk, in fact, she is repulsed by the thought of herself ever drinking again, but what she knows is this: If she did go hang out in bars, eventually her mind would rationalize that she could handle just one drink, and it would then snowball out of control for her...She remains vigilant about staying away from bars for that reason...(She explains this SOOOOOOOO much better than I just did, so if you still don't get what I'm trying to say, let me know and I'll ask her to better explain it to you.)


I sincerely hope that you will email me and give me the chance to talk to you over the phone...I'm here and would be more than happy to help you...And you are very welcome...

Mrs. W

P.S. Copy that NC letter that Rose posted...take that to your husband when you tell him, then let him send it...And bring him here SITM...Let him read your thread and let the good people here help him...Radical honesty SITM, it's the ONLY way for you to have the kind of incredible, loving and intimate marriage that I told you about above...

Lifeschoice, thanks for the words on how to tell dh. And, I can't tell him until Sunday because he works all weekend.

Galoot writes: "I don't get it. You say you have a low desire for sex, but imply that a principal criteria of yours in a mate is physical attractiveness? Do you like to look, but not to touch?" That is a great point. I have no idea what is up with that. I just know that when I think back on the looks of om that he was in great shape and very attractive to me, my type,I guess I would say (tall dark handsome). Dh is very good looking but a little out of shape and I find that a turn-off. So I feel like my sex-drive would be higher with someone I am physically drawn to.
Mark- much of what you wrote makes great sense. Of course om is not draining the bank account down. We have only emailed one another a few times. That makes really good sense. The only thing I struggle with (well, of course not the only given my situation) but dh has done nothing to make me mad (not really mad anyway. He is kind,considerate, a good love when I finally say yes, good father. We never fight. I would say the only problem I can figure is that he is gone all the time and I take care of the kids all the time. Slowly, gradually, we disconnected but I didn't say anything for years because he has always been so busy working making money to support our family and make it possible for me to be a sahm. I could never blame him for that or try to require more from him after already working an 80 hour week. And honest, this om has sent me very few emails over the course of the years. In fact, he was so elusive and mysterious that perhaps that is part of what really got me thinking about him in a different way. I was dying to know if he was still attracted to me (he is not married) and the only inappropriate ones were just recently, within the past week when I initiated it (I confessed to still having feelings for him) and he then reciprocated.

Lifeschoice asked "does dh have a clue at all?" WEll, I took him to see Fireproof last weekend and bawled through the whole thing (silently and dying inside). Afterward in the car we talked a little and I said I felt a lot like that girl in the movie (empty) only with a really nice dh not a jerk. And he asked if there was someone else. I wasn't prepared to answer that. I think this may have been before I even had told om that I was really thinking about him and I romantically. I wasn't sure how to tell him that there was another man that has just been in my head for 6 years. Also, at the time I still looking to email om my feelings and then hoping to get closure so I could then move on. I'm not sure of the timing but either way I either had not yet emailed om my feelings or I had but still was looking for his reply. Anyway, interestingly, over the course of our relationship dh has dreams once in awhile where I leave him for another man-this is a side note but whatever. ANd, thanks for being so kind. I don't mind if people yell at me, they should so I get straight!

Rose-duh, of course what I told you is the best thing to tell him. It is honest and makes perfect sense to me. Why didn't I think of that? Thanks for pointing that out!! And, let him read all I have posted, I don't know about that. Goodness I don't think it would be helpful for him to know that I have stated that I am more sexually attracted to my ex than to him. And that he is overweight. Yikes. I'd hate for him to hear that. Some will say,"well, you've already hurt him with an ea, what difference does it make" but I don't think I need to add gasoline to an open cut. Do I? BTW-I'm just processing out loud, not critizing what you wrote. thank you all, you are all so helpful.

Mrs W,

Outstanding post!

Yes it was outstanding. This is why I'm gald Mrs W. stopped by this thread.

SITM - I told you before you started here that some will hold your hand and some will hit you over the head. Best of luck to you this weekend and please feel free to email if you need.

MrsW. I hope all is well with you, Hubby and the kids.

Mark, good to see your still around helping with great ideas, still giving fishing tips?

Good to see all the names agian - ML,Neak,Marsh,LG, Pep(when did she come back?)and all the others.

SITM... LISTEN to these people and READ this site.

Read this stuckinthemud.....

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...at&Number=2140152&gonew=1#UNREAD

SITM

Do not have to say to your BH that the OM is hotter then him. If your BH does not ask. If he does you can say that he has not gotten overweight. This leaves your BH with all I have to do is exercise and lose weight. Your BH can never comeback from not being as handsome as the OM. You'll knock your BH down so hard he will most likely not even try to slim down and tone up.

It's nice to be a SAHM. It's time to get a job. You are the kind of woman that needs her H around a lot. That's not bad. It's the way you are. It's bad when you start going after OM.

Your BH needs a 40 hour a week job to be home the amount of time you need. Get a job.
So he makes the half the money. If your job brings in a quarter of what BH gives up your at 75%. Lower standard of living. A happy marriage priceless.

Mrs. W.

I'm glad you suggested she bring her DH here. You've been around here a heck of a lot longer than I have and know the workings of MB better than I do. This was the second item I was torn about. I knew it was best for her DH to come here, but in the back of my mind kept thinking about my DH's reaction to the stuff he read on my old message board that I wrote when I was totally fogged out (it literally made him physically ill). But that probably falls into the "protecting him from the pain" category. He needs to know, but it stinks to be the one responsible and have to be the one to tell him, but those are the consequences of WS's actions.

SITM,

I would highly recommend you tell your DH the gist of what is in this thread before he reads it. IOW, tell him what you said about the OM.

LC

Well, last night I sent a nc email to om. So, our ea entails:

1 hello,haven't emailed in awhile from me to om

2 email response from om to me (just hello back)

3 email response from me confessing to him that I might still have some feelings for him

4 his response that if you read between the lines would make a person think he might have feelings still too,but he didn't come out and say that, but did say call him to catch up, and gave me an open invitation to come visit him anytime (yikes)

5 my response saying that I didn't think talking with him over the phone, or internet for that matter was a great idea as I was feeling disconnected from dh and my feelings for him and a disconnect with dh would be a bad mix

6 his response confessing he had never married because he felt like I was the perfect one for him and he won't settle for anything less than how he felt when he was with me etc...There are so many more things he wanted to say but he said he didn't want to muddy the waters any further

7 my nc last night
Until this series of emails that started last week and ended last night I have only created this fantasy in my mind over the past several years. That will be the hard part. Destroying the affair in my mind and creating a real life fantasy with dh.
So, that is it in a nutshell. I have not told dh yet as he has been at work all weekend (another 80 hour week for him). I plan to tell him Sunday. After I tell him, what is the next step to focusing on us. Where does recovery begin?? What do we need to do tomorrow to move forward for us?

Stuckingthemud,

You are very lucky that your rational thinking was able to take over the irrational. Did you close your email account or at the very least block him?

Do you know what you are going to tell your DH tomorrow?

Good luck, I know how scary it is to be getting ready to have the talk you will be having.

Is an 80 hour work week typical for your DH? Does he work 2 jobs or is that just what is required by one? Any chance he can cut back?

As for what to do once you tell him, bring him to the MB website and start going over the basic concepts together. Offer for him to read your thread and also find out if he is willing to register and post.

LC

I'd say 70 hours is typical and 80 is not uncommon, one job, can't cut back. It is just the nature of the job. In fact, he just called to say he wasn't going to make it home by 3:30 like he had promised. He would be home later for supper and then has to head back to work (which I already knew). I said "ok, no problem" but then when he heard me type while I was talking to him he got mad and said he sometimes felt like the computer was more important than him. I said, "wait a minute. You just called to say that you weren't coming home when you promised to be home and I said fine but then you are going to tell because I typed a word while we were on the phone together you are going to get upset?" Anyway, he is also in school for his doctrate degree.
I do want to block om but how do I do that?
Yeah, not really looking forward to "the talk". Especially because it will happen in bits and pieces because of the kids. But, I'm also wanting just to move forward. I would like to find a mc that uses the MB model. I read how to find a good marriage counselor but does anybody just know of someone in the Southern Milw.Wi area???

Any chance you can line up a sitter for your children tomorrow night? Giving him the info in bits and pieces will be TORTURE. I would strongly advise against doing it that way. If you can get a sitter go sit in a parking lot and talk uninterrupted.

If you can't get a sitter, still plan on telling him, but plan on telling him everything w/o beating around the bush.

Anytime we needed to talk we left the house, sat in a parking lot in the car and talked.

If you end up making plans to talk elsewhere I would suggest printing out this thread so he doesn't have to wait to get home in order to read it.

LC

It depends on what type of email you have. If you have yahoo or hotmail you can go into "options" and add his email to the blocked list.

Those are the only ones I know about. I also have outlook, but have no idea how to block someone in that one.

Please, please, please STOP treating your husband like an animal!

Stop manipulating him!

Stop RAPING your husband!

Tell him the truth and deal with it!!!!

Excellent advice!

I was thinking about the situation you posted about and think there is a better way to handle it. If the opportunity presents itself again or even something similar try not to immediately get defensive.

From his POV it probaly appeared rude to be typing while you were on the phone with him and he probably didn't feel very important. Instead of getting mad and defensive, next time say something like. "You're right, I'm sorry. You ARE more important and I'm so glad you called".

It's sort of like a cycle, you be nice, he is nice and in doing so you start to fill each others love bank. This will only make sense if you have read the basic concepts.

Just some food for thought.

LC

Bumping for SITM.

How did your talk go yesterday?

I've only got a minute to update but real quick-Well, dh got home at 11:30 Sat. night. I waited up for him so I could tell him what has been happening. We talked til 3am. He was amazing about the whole mess. I told him I had cut off contact with om(whom he knows) and we tried to figure out a way for us to spend more time together. I'll post more on all the details later but my questions is: if the mb program really works, how come so many here are divorced, separated, or the like? Do both spouses have to be 100% willing to make it work? I am willing and he is willing but I still am nervous about not being able to build a fabulous marriage like we both want. And, does anybody know of a fab.marriage counselor in Milw. area?? Is contacting Steve Harley going to help me grow those feelings of complete utter melting in my skin love for my bh that I long for? We did spend an hour together yesterday just us,no kids and it was wonderful. Love you all, you are all so kind and helpful!

Stuckinthemud,

Good for you. I am glad you told him.

Besides the Harley stuff I would also like to recommend the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It was a very good eye opener for both of us.

LC

Pretty much...

Though Dr Harley's work is amazing and his methods really do offer a lot of hope, so many end up divorced or separated because the WS won't end the affair no matter what the BS does.

In those cases a separation is called for (Plan B) until the affair ends. But sometimes the BS simply gets tired of waiting or waits too long before Plan B and their love for the WS dies a slow death.

Good job on telling your husband.

That's the first step. Now comes the hard part.

Because it takes 2 people to have a great marriage.


Don't worry then if you are both committed. Dr H actually even makes this a GUARANTEE if you attend his weekend seminar. Afterwards you are assigned a staff member to walk you and your H through the program. You also have daily access to Dr Harley on the weekend forum. Doing the weekend is the best way to do this if you can afford it.

Second best would be to get coaching from Steve Harley. He can do in 3-4 sessions what most marriage counselors can never do.

melody=so you are saying if you attend the weekend thing for 2000 (is that per person or couple?) then you also get someone who walks you through the process? HOw long after the seminar do they help you for? Did you do this??

Mark-thanks,I feel pretty good about telling him-I mean I feel awful that I had to hurt him like that but he had already begun to read HNHN so he understood what happened. I am not proud of what I did but I am proud that I had the sense to end it after only 7 emails total rather than before it got way beyond that.

Yes, we did do this and it completely changed the dynamic of my marriage. They will stick with you for YEARS or until you GET IT. It is $2000 per COUPLE and is the best, most effective program I know of. They also give you a whole package that includes most of the MB books and the whole CD program and all the workbooks. You do lessons every week and then take a survey about the lesson.

They work with you on an individual basis to determine the order of the lessons. If you run into any big road bumps, Dr H usually calls you personally to help. But, you always have the option of posting to him on the weekend board and he will answer you there.

Go check out the link above and look at his video about the seminar. We think it was awesome and made a vast difference in our marriage. HE really means it when he says he can teach people to FALL IN LOVE. It really is true.

Very proud of you SITM!!

Hey M2L! Good to see ya, friend!

Thanks Mel. Hope all is well with you down in Texas. I give you people lots of creadit for being able to help so many people out for so may years. Good to see your still around with the others.

Hello, this is stuckinthemuds dh,
Not sure if I am doing this right or not. I don't get much computer time, most of my time is spent with family and as you guessed... work. I found this thread open when I got home early (been working on that lateley) and just wanted to say thank you everyone for helping my wife through this tough time. I love her and am committed to a great marriage.

dh

I was just telling my husband I am so happy we were able to stop her from making the biggest mistake of her life. I am so happy she listened to us, it says a lot.

Edited to add: by biggest mistake I meant heading down the path of destruction.

LC

Hi DH, I am so sorry this has happened to you. We all understand that affairs are devastating and are here to help you.

Might I suggest making up your own screen name and starting a thread just for yourself so we can help you? You will need the most help since you are the victim here. It is usually best in these circumstances for the husband and wife to have their own threads and stick to their own threads.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here.

for stuckinthemudd:

Romantic Love: Is it a Realistic Goal for Marriage Therapy?

Five Steps to Romantic Love

Requirements for Recovery from an Affair

SITM,

How are you and DH doing? Do you think he will start his own thread? He will get a lot of help from the people here.

Your dark days now will get brighter with time and work.

pulling for you,

M2L

I'm on vacation but wanted to say this...



SITM...If you're really committed don't give up till you have the marriage you both want.

Mark

Good for you, Stuckinthemud. That's a great beginning. How are things going?

Ace

Honestly, when I left this site open with my post and dh found it I wanted to crawl in a hole. There were so many hurtful things but I feel it worked out best in the long run. I never ever would have had the courage to purposefully let him read those hurtful things but now that he has, it will only allow us to grow stronger. He also read the last post I had sent to om indicating I could not be in touch with him anymore and then om did email back and apologize for telling me his feelings and confusing things further, dh read that too. I'm not sure if he read the other 3 mails I had sent to om or not. Then we tried to block om but couldn't do it and dh didn't care but I need him blocked because I don't want an email from om to pop up in my inbox and throw me off track again. Anyway, dh has been home waaaay earlier the last couple of days (thus the way that he found my thread here) and we are having a great time together. We always have a great time together. It is just that for the past six years we have not spent much time together. We never have problems solving disagreements. For us it is not an issue of needing help with conflict resolution. I was able to trace something back that I was not aware of until now. We struggled with infertility 6 years ago. I spent many many nights home alone crying and feeling devastated while he kept busy with other things and dealt with it very scientifically (he was a biologist previously). It was way back then that I pulled away a little bit. Then our dd was born. Then 2 miscarriages, 2 d and c's and a major surgery while preg. with my 2nd child, with him working all the time, add in 3 moves and 3 job changes to that and the addition of our 2 kids and it all adds up to a not very conducive environment to keep our marriage at the forefront. Anyway, so we are working on things. In all that I did, dh was the most hurt by the fact that I had set up a new yahoo account and emailed lots of friens and om my new email address but didn't include him into it. That was my way of finding an excuse to email om to establish contact with him. Well,dh figured this out and justkept saying "how could you cut me out, how could you do that. I took this job for you because I knew you hated your job. I took it so you could quit and be a sahm. And this is what I get.How could you cut me out"?? Boy, did I feel like an unworthy speck of dirt. So, in all, things feel better to me. Is there a honeymoon phase where right after things are discovered things get good for awhile because I am just so happy to know he isn't going to leave me, that he is going to forgive me?? I just really really really want to be madly in love with my husband. Thank you all, I can't tell you how grateful my heart is for all of you. And maybe2late-you are the best.

SITM,

I’m glad to read that things are working out for you two, but it is not over so please don’t leave here. You two will gain lots of info/help on how to have a better marriage and not let this happen again.

It was the best thing that your DH found your emails. He saw for himself that you didn’t want OM, but wanted him. We understand the hurt your DH is going through and it very well might take a rollercoaster path for him (and you) and he will need help with that. Please have him sign up here if he has questions.

Right now you two need to: spend quality time together, be transparent, be understanding and listen to what each other has to say.

Again, I’m glad that you two are doing well and I’ll be checking in from time to time, but if you need me, you can PM on the other site (your DH can also).

happy for you,

M2L

Hey StuckintheMud,

How's it going?


Yes, there is a honeymoon phase....it differs in length and intensity for each couple. Ours has been going on for many months now and it's still getting better. (That doesn't mean that we don't have our dips on this rollercoaster but it's moving steadily forward.)

You and your DH can build (or rekindle) the passion you desire if you read the articles on this site and learn about the LB$ (Love Bank), LBs (Love Busters), ENs (Emotional Needs), RH (Radical Honesty) and POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement). Most important are the hours of UA (Undivided Attention)....(eta) ideally 25 hours per week to start. After D-Day #4, my WH and I spent 10 days straight in UA (every waking moment except for baseball time) ....about 140 straight hours....or we would not have survived my EAs or his EAs. (That's a bit extreme but it worked for us....we read HNHN and LB on our 'vacation'.)

If there is something you don't understand, just ask. This can be your thread but if he hasn't already, it would be good if your DH might start his own thread for his questions and support.

Again, thanks for the update and we're all glad you were seeking solutions before your EA progressed to a PA.

Ace

Actually "building gradually" would be a big mistake here...This is a marriage in crisis...Dr. Harley says that at that point UA time should really be closer to 25 hours/week...15 hours/week applies to marriages not in crisis...This situation is dire and half measures are too risky...

SITM...I really enjoyed talking to you last week...Feel free to call or email me anytime...And do keep posting...there is lots of great stuff you can learn around here...

Mrs. W

We spent a lovely weekend together at a farm. We picniced with the kids. We four-wheeled. We hot-tubbed without the kids. No sex all weekend which both of us thought was nice to not have that hanging over our heads. So, Sunday night when we got home he wanted to make love, I just wanted to go to bed but I agreed to do it. We tried a quickie but it lasted a little longer and I hated it. I wanted it to end. I just wanted him to be satisfied quickly and be done. What is my problem? We spent such a nice weekend together but I still want/ed nothing to do with sex. Help!!!

Hi sitm,

I’m glad you two are still committed to your improving your M.

In His Needs, Her Needs, Dr. Harley discusses the differences in men and women’s approaches to sexuality, and the resulting problems. My DH has the book at work, I think, because I can’t find it to look anything up (we are reading it again and making time for discussions). There is a chapter on affection, and the next chapter is on sex. It might help you to read it and discuss the subjects with your H (and do the questionnaires, etc).

From personal experience and talking to other women, it seems that sometimes when women don't enjoy sex with their Hs, it's because they are harboring resentments that need to be addressed. Since you were so tempted to turn to another man, there are obviously "issues" with your H that are bothering you.

A good IC and MC could hopefully help you get to the root of your problem(s).

God bless,
Rose

Hey Stuckinthemud,

How's it going? Rose had some great ideas for your challenges.

I hope you saw that I corrected my error in my previous post in saying that Dr. Harley suggests 15 hours when actually it is 25 hours a week initially of Undivided Attention to get your recovery going. I also mentioned that my WH and I spent about 140 hours of UA time in the initial 10 days after D-Day #4. If your H took time from his busy schedule for an extended honeymoon phase like we did, maybe your issues now have solutions!

Either way, hope you can check in for an update sometime.

Ace