Hello I need some insight on the situation going on right now. See it's been 6 months since I told H about A 3 yrs ago. Things where going alright, we had read HNHN we are going to MC. But the about 2 weeks ago all the sudden it's like H flipped a switch and went from wanting SF every day to not at all. Then our son took his cell phone from the bedroom when he was sleeping to play with it like our son always does. I took the phone from him once I was about to put him to bed and i went to read his text messages (he gets these chain texts from co-workers, jokes, that I like to read H forwarded me a few before but i just would read them from his phone instead). Well, he has all the sudden started erasing all his text messages. The only one's there where mine from that afternoon but all the other's were gone and I had sent him some the night before. H never erased anything before, call history, text messages, voice mails, emails nothing. It's seems like something isn't right and it's bothering me. I asked him about the messages last night and he said it was to make room but the phone automatically erases messages after so long so that is BS. I'm hoping that I'm just over thinking all this but things he says and does has got me worried that he has either lost all feelings for me or found someone else.
Comments like a revenge A, that he would do one of his co-workers, that if we split he would be the biggest slut and do everyone he meets, that he has learned his lesson about my race and won't date another white girl again, that he wants sex but not always wants it from me.
Also the fact that he never knows when he'll be getting off work not even and estimated time when that is BS cause they have a schedule i've seen it but everytime I ask him he always says he don't know when all he has to do is look at the schedule in his pocket.
I brought all this up at MC but basically told that if he does have an A than that would alleviate the guilt from what I did 3 yrs ago but that isn't why. I DON'T WANT HIM TO HAVE AN A. It's just the sudden change worries me but it's like I don't have a right to be worried because of what I did to him. I'm just so confused right now. Any advice?
Your husband just found out 6 months ago that his wife cheated on him and his son was not his. I'm sure he is going through an anger phase right now.
What have you done to make certain he feels safe these last six months?
MM,
The 6 month point is often when the BS starts to feel extreme anger and show it. It has been discussed as to why this happens. One conjecture is that it takes about 6 months for the BS to feel the marriage has a chance and they relax the white knuckle grip on their emotions and the anger comes spilling out.
His other behavior is clearly something to keep an eye on. It is typical WS behavior, so he is probably hiding something. As Iam said, he has had to swallow quite abit. Your affair, the child he thought was his, is not. And as you have pointed out a mixed race situation. This last issue while not a deal breaker, means that commonality of reactions and how one sees things are frequently not the same.
Stay calm, pay attention as you have been, and do your best to be the W YOU want to be. This crucial. You must decide what sort of W you want to be and be that W. You cannot dance through hoops and continue to be consistent as a good W. Having said that, you need to understand how each of you views the role of a good W and use POJA to arrive at a win-win situation.
God Bless,
JL
MM,
You guys have had a rocky relationship. I wouldn't be surprised for both of you to find out that there was really more infidelity and dishonesty along the way then you both really admitted to. Your M has had some very significant strain on it with the career choices that you made. I admire that you have tried to work it all out, but it is hard work.
Do what every BS does and gather more intel. Use GPS, keylogger, cell phone records, whatever it is that you need to do to get enough evidence to confront and to expose.
I like what JL said about being the wife that YOU want to be. Because as you know, this is a journey and through your Plan A, you will need to meet EN and leave out LB and hopefully the 2 of you will come out stronger in the end.
Good luck MM.
I wonder if she went into a super plan A if that would help?
OK so basically I want to understand that this whole thing is mostly just a part of recovery and not something I should be worried about (ie: a possible A).
What have you done to make certain he feels safe these last six months?
I am doing everything I can think of to help him. I have been staying at home with our son instead of working, I don't go out with any friends unless H knows them and approves and only hang out with female friends got rid of all male friends, I answer any questions he asks about what I have been doing that day, where I went, about the past, etc, i'm trying to do everything I can think of to prove to him that i'm sorry besides just saying it over and over and show him I'm not going to make the same mistake again. I've tired asking him if there is anything that I can do to help him that I haven't already been doing and he always tell me no. So I am trying to just show H that I want this M and willing to work and fight for it.
What's a super plan A? And should I leave if H asks me to? H has talked about doing a trial separtation but I don't want to go live with my parents with my 3 yr old son and while I'm prego they smoke in the house and I just quit. But if that is what he wants than what should I do?
and not something I should be worried about (ie: a possible A).
Based on what you originally posted, I would be worried.
went from wanting SF every day to not at all.
Well, he has all the sudden started erasing all his text messages.
It's seems like something isn't right and it's bothering me.
Comments like a revenge A, that he would do one of his co-workers,
Every time I ask him he always says he don't know when all he has to do is look at the schedule in his pocket.
H has talked about doing a trial separtation
I don't know what to do anymore. I am trying everything I can think of I have been reading "how to survive an affair". plan A and B seem not to pertain to us since i'm not in the affair it's been 3 yrs since the affair but it's only been 6 months since I told H. So I don't know if I do start plan A to help him though everything if that would help but I'm not sure. According to the book it talks about 4 rules to recover a marriage after an affair:
1. rule of protection
2. rule of care
3. rule of time
4. rule of honesty
but can it work if only one is following the rules? If I am doing all this to help H and nothing ever chances wont it just drive me to leave him? I mean I am being as supportive as possible but doesn't everyone have a limit to how much abuse one can take? I'm I alone in this thought, am I just being selfish or if we both aren't willing to work on saving us are we just doomed?
Your situation requires more support. Do you feel your MC is not being effective? Have you tried talking to an MB counselor? They do effective phone counseling.
Your H will go through stages, like stages of grieving (see my link).
Plan A is more for him t/d but you BOTH can work on making personal improvements.
Each of you should identify and set your personal and marital boundaries. Then do it as a couple.
That's a start. Sounds like you need a plan.
JMHO,
L.
H seems to like to MC we have but gets upset because he feels that everyone if telling him he needs to just get over it and move on. I don't know why he feels that way I have never asked him to just get over it and told him numous times that it is going to take time. But things have gotten worse in the past 2 weeks than it was in the very beginning so I'm so confused. H is obiviously in anger right now since he is treating me like crap but that's ok I deserve it what I did to him was horrible. That plus the thought that something might be going on with H and his co-worker is got me all mixed up. I brought my concerns up at our last MC appointment but was told basically that it seems I want him to be having an A so it would allivate my guilt but that isn't why I think he is. I dont think he is having a PA at least not yet because I don't know when he would have the time.
H is in the military and works long hours has overnight duty every 4 days so trying to do the PI work myself is out of the question cause I am pregnant and have a 3 yr old to take care of. I don't have the money to hire anyone plus he works out in the woods so it would be difficult to spy on him.
I'm not sure what to do anymore, how long does it normally take before the BS is more willing to work on the marriage? I'm doing the best I can but with everything else going on with me right now I don't know how much more I can take of this.
How can we work on us when H is never home? With his work schedule I barely see him at all and when he is home all he does is sleep. When he is awake he is in the other room watching TV. I try to get him to go do things but it's like pulling teeth.
Now with the deleting all the txt messages. In 2 days he had almost 150 txt messages and when I looked at his phone he had 0 on there. around 30 were from me he says that him and his co-workers txt eachother all day back in forth but they are right by eachother so WHY? Plus if that was the case then why erase them all if there is nothing to them. I don't understand.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO?
Also, maybe this was wrong to do but i didn't just do it for why he thinks. We have GPS locaters in our phones, I never knew that, so I was online looking at our cell phone bill and thinking about whether I wanted to try another company and there was a advertivment for the GPS locater so I wanted to see what is was. I signed both of our phones up for it since it was a free trial. I knew it was going to send H a txt message saying his phone could now be located I got the same txt plus it tells you when you are signing up so I wasn't trying to keep it from him. H got real upset about it saying I lowjacked him and said he was thinking about giving his phone to a friend one day when he had duty and tell him to go around to the strip clubs. I didn't think it was going to be that big a deal I was interested on what the GPS thing was all about and told him he could even log in to locate me. I showed him the site and everything but he still seems to think I am doing it for pure distrusting purposes. Yes I did desided to try it so I could see if he was really at work for so long like he says but also cause I wanted to see how it worked since I didn't know we could even do that with our phones. It's not like I tried to do it without him knowing about it so I don't understand why he is so pissed about it. I told him I would cancel it that it was a free trial thing and I wanted to see what is was.
Does his anger make since or is it confusing to anyone else?
If a FWS is no longer in an A, and the BS is, or one is suspected, then yes, Plan A and Plan B are good options.
Six months is a really tough time, but from what you're saying his behavior is way over the top. I would not have dreamed of treating my H that way, even during the roughest patches of recovery.
I don't know if this is still the case, but if you have Nextel, you at least used to be able to view the TM's online with the deluxe text package.
Even if that isn't an option, keep checking his phone each time you have a chance. Also check his contact list, and the numbers on the phone bill. Eventually he'll get careless and make a mistake, if that's what he's doing.
Recovering from a double-A is hard but it is possible, so hang in there.
I have the co-workers number and for the last bill anyway didn't have many calls between them and they were only 1-2 mins each but i don't know about this month I can only view the mins used and txt messages used not the actual numbers until the bill comes out. I talked to our cell phone company and I can't get to see any of the txt messages unless I get a court order. Which seems over the top and doubt i could get one anyway. I don't have any friends up here that I could talk to that I could get to help spy for me cause all the ppl I know are his friends also and I doubt any of them would keep from telling him.
I am just trying to keep strong and work on proveing to H that I love him and want to be with him and only him. So based on what's going on me starting plan A is a good idea? How would I do that since I just think there is one and have no proof? It's just hard to keep from getting angry myself about how H is acting when I just found out I'm prego and so just stopped smoking. I get real cranky. lol. But I think I understand what I need to do even though I feel he is lying to me I just need to be happy go lucky basically don't get angry with him meet his needs and just be here for him. But afer the time limit if nothing changes then go to plan B.
But how do I justify plan B if an A is never proven? And how long should I set for plan A?
You want to successfully recover with your H, correct?
Because if you stay in your situation for months on end, you will get fed up with how he is treating you, and lose all your love for him. A or no A, that is what will happen.
To have any hope of recovery, you will very soon need to protect yourself and your love for him. A or no A, that is what you need to do.
Hi Marinemom,
You stated you are pregnant, with a toddler, H comes home and plops.
The 1st 2 is part of life. The 3rd item is changeable.
Sounds like your H needs more than a counselor. His moods c/b indicative of many things which need t/b identified by him, not you. Yet I realize you are the one here seeking help, not him.
So what t/d? Here are some suggestions. It will mean less work for you. Why? Because you need to not stress. Your pregnancy and the health of the baby require you keep stress to a minimum.
Ask your MC to ask your H to identify what H feels are the cause of his lack of interest and mood swings. Be prepared to hear some ugly stuff. Your H may not even know he is being a jerk but at least the MC can tell him so without making you out t/b the bad guy.
Write down what you want your MC to ask. Keep the list short and the request simple.
Here are some of the reasons for his attitude:
1. Contemplating a revenge A (very stupid move on his part)
2. Depressed
3. Needs closure (this is something you both need t/d)
4. Conflict avoider (and this issue refuses to be avoided)
5. Anger management issues (c/b a new symptom)
You probably can think of a few more. These are the ones I suspect.
Now that we have some listed, let's deal with it:
Item 1: Contemplating a revenge A
Let the MC deal with this one. Revenge A situations make the former BS a worse WS. Even if you have the right info, he won't be able to listen to you. BS' turned WS' are the worse kind. Make sure you get a good and aggressive MC to work in your behalf. Create a good support group. This will be hard to find but those who have dealt with these issues will see your cooperation vs his uncooperative one. Then let the qualified one's in your support group act in your behalf.
Item 2. Depressed
Your MC can direct you to a good doctor to help your H get evaluated and help as needed. Between a good MC and doctor, you will get good support. This one requires patience. Your A may have set him over the edge of something he was already fighting. Still together u 2 can work this out but you will need the help of a good MC/doctor each other and support group. See you are not alone in this fight for what is right.
Item 3. Needs closure
Closure is a healing technique that you each need individually and together as a couple. There are various types of closure. For many there is a physical action with a symbolic meaning (i.e. throwing the A away ceremony, etc.) For me it was going to the ocean and screaming, throwing away my wedding dress but keeping the bow. I never really like the bow and the dress was custom made but it was cleansing since I knew I could never go back to exactly how it was. It forced me as the BS to move forward and if my H was to return, he needed to also move forward with us (as a family).
Your MC can help in this regard.
Item 4. Conflict avoider
This one is hard. This requires a change in character. Was he a conflict avoider in the past? If so, get your MC to deal with this issue with him. You read His Needs/Her Needs, have his MC encourage him to read it and you need to learn HOW to communicate with him.
Btw, the HNHN book is a good one to keep and review as needed. It is am MB fundamental book.
Item 5. Anger management issues
Like conflict avoiding, have the MC deal with this one. If left unchecked, the police can even get involved if it results in a domestic violence case. Learn your rights regarding domestic violence.
A BS turned WS can easily create a domestic violence scenario even if they were non-violent in the past. KNOW when to call the police. Do NOT wait until you and the children are in physical danger. That is bad for your family and for him.
There are anger management groups and classes he can take. It may be hard to get him to admit it and go but if you let the MC or even police direct him, it will be easier.
Been there on this issue.
Hope this helps.
Orchid
When I brought my thoughts up about the possibity of an A the MC basically threw it out as me wanting there to be one. And I'm not sure if this MC is helping at all because every time we go all he talks about is the loss of our trust and how H is griefing that loss and how H needs to deal with it on his own and over and over again. I doesn't seem to be helping but when I ask H if he likes the MC he says yeah but at the same time he says he wants someone to tell him what he is supposed to do.
H was a big conflict avoider before and that is a big issue now. H blames himself daily for the A, blames himself because he had the feeling but trusted me and never pushed the issue. He says he feels stupid and taken for a fool by him beign trusting. SO H states he don't trust anyone except his mother and will never trust another woman again if we divorce. H says the reason he is such an [censored] now-a-days is because he felt taken for a fool and refuses to ever let that happen again so the sweet man I married is gone and been replaced with a real [censored].
H also had anger problems before too, when H gets mad he punches things. I have a hole in the wall to prove it. One he already patched but the one from d-day is still there. And that was done right next to my head - literaly. H had never hit me but he does scare me when he gets mad.
I don't know if going to a new MC would be what we need or what but it's hard getting him to go now because of work, I don't know how many MC I need to go to. Plus we don't seem to have very good luck with MC. I even asked this MC about whether he was familiar with dr harley's work and that was what we had been reading and he said yes but I don't think he has done anything that dr. harley talks about in his books. Every session he talks about God this and God that, I'm a christian but God isn't going to fix this problem my H and I need to we can't just cross our fingers and hope God fixes it for us.
MM...I KNOW you are trying to get things right...but honestly, you can't. You have betrayed your husband in a way that is unforgivable. Not only did you have an affair and keep it secret for so long...but you also took a child away from your husband that he thought was his.
Your husband should get to steer this ship now. If he wants out...be gracious and let him know that while you don't want a divorce, you will not fight him.
If your husband decides to have an affair, I can't say that I would fault him at this point. While an affair is NEVER the right thing to do you have totally shattered his life.
What do you see as a potential FIX for this problem??? You say God isn't going to fix this problem. Honestly, He is the ONLY one that can fix this mess. He can work miracles in your husbands heart. Nothing else will come close to repairing this.
Just be thankful that your husband has not kicked you to the curb already. You did treat him like a fool and despite your problems with him right now, he is showing himself to be a pretty good person by not immediately divorcing you. You earned that...now the question is, do you have what it takes to see him through the he!! you put him through.
MM, did you ever schedule that appointment with SH?
I bumped your other thread
OK I understand your thought on the fact that what i did was terrible but am I really supposed to just lay there and take the constant verbal abuse until all my love is gone just to make H happy. I am trying to save my marriage and fight for us. I refuse to just sit back and do nothing because what is supposed to happen if say I sit back take the constant comments and everything else H throws my way for years and then H is finally at the point where he is ready to fix us and by that time I have no love left for him and I actually hate him for all the mistreatment I took. THEN WHAT? How is that going to help my marriage? Two wrongs don't make a right. Now would I hate my H if he did have an A? NO, he would be forgiven because nobody is perfect we are all sinners however if that is what he needs to move on with our marriage so we can be happy again than I am ready for that. But I also want to know, I don't think it right for H to have his A and still treat me like crap for his own ammusment, maybe you do but I don't and that isn't going to be helpful for us either.
Waiting for so long was hurtful to H and I know that, it was selfish for me but I would of rather told him later than to never of told him at all. I'm sorry if you think that H has all the right in the world to walk over me and I should just take it with a amile and be grateful but really what is that going to help. It will most likely end with me leaving H, I love him with all my heart but I am not going to live my whole life misable it's not fair to either of us.
What do you see as a potential FIX for this problem??? You say God isn't going to fix this problem. Honestly, He is the ONLY one that can fix this mess. He can work miracles in your husbands heart. Nothing else will come close to repairing this.
What I meant by the comment about God not fixing this and it being up to H and I too, was that God can only push us so far and we can't just sit by and do nothing and think god will fix all are problems. God guides you he don't do it magically for you. That's what I meant. Yes god can speak to my H heart but god can only do so much to guide us to the right path he can't put us there. We have freewill and even though god pushes us it up to us to follow that feeling or not.
You said:
I love him with all my heart but I am not going to live my whole life misable it's not fair to either of us.
Do you think he is miserable? If you don't think you should live your life miserable, should he?
Have you asked him ? I'm not saying this to be disrespectful. Just curious.
Do you think he is miserable? If you don't think you should live your life miserable, should he?
Have you asked him ? I'm not saying this to be disrespectful. Just curious.
sorry what I meant was both of us shouldn't be miserable. I would never want either of us to stay together but hate our lifes.
I've asked him about if he wants to be with me because sometimes I feel like he isn't happy being with me and I don't want him to feel he is forced to stay with me if that isn't what he wants. I just want him to be happy I hurt him very much he shouldn't be hurt anymore not by me he won't be. H says he wants to be with me but sometimes he don't so he isn't quite sure i guess. I've tried talking to him but he closes up (big conflict avoider) H don't like to fight and will leave (take a drive) rather than deal with the issue so we haven't been able to make much progress.
No need to apologize. I just wanted clarification.
He is in the anger stage right now. He isn't sure what he wants because he is guided by his emotions. There are definate red flags about his behavior. I believe he may be confiding in someone because he really feels he can't confide in you. You are the cause of his pain (not being mean..just pointing something out) He doesn't see you very much. I really believe you two should spend some DAYS together alone. To really get this out.
The anger stage can last for months. Are you willing to go through it with him?
I believe he may be confiding in someone because he really feels he can't confide in you.
He doesn't see you very much. I really believe you two should spend some DAYS together alone. To really get this out.
The anger stage can last for months. Are you willing to go through it with him?
I hope he is talking to someone if he wont talk to me but I just hope it's a guy or family not an OW.
I would really LOVE to get to spend time alone with him but with his job it's never going to happen and that SUCKS so very bad. He can't even take leave even though I know we need so time together away from everything just for us.
I know he is going through anger and hard and I am willing to stand by him I just hope this is just a "stage" and not going to take years. Not that I'm trying to say I don't love him enough to wait years but like I said before I would most likely end up losing love for him and that wouldn't be good.
So, let me get this straight. You have an affair and get pregnant as a result. You then pass off the child as your husbands for three years. When you finally tell him that his wife was screwing some other man and that his kid isn't his you are concerned about HIS verbal abuse.
Are you kidding me.
When he has verbally assaulted you for three years and taken your kid from you, THEN you will have something to complain about. As it is now, you should be willing to work on this UNTIL...
the REAL crime here isn't the affair...although slutting around is never a good thing for anyone....male or female. The REAL crime is what you did regarding the child. That is WAY beyond cruel and NOT something that most people would ever think to forgive.
It is Jerry Springer material.
Give the man a break. He has a right to be furious with you.
OK medc i don't know if you suddenly had a life changing thing or what but really you were all nice and helpful when I first posted back in april and now you are basiclly telling me now my feelings dont matter. Really, well even though you are entitled to your own thoughts if that is going to be the only advice or comments that you have to offer than I would appricate if you just keep them to yourself. I want to work on my marriage and again me just sitting there and slowly losing my love for my H isn't going to be the answer but thanks anyway for that option. I think I'll go another more producitve route.
MM, my advice has not changed one bit.
I still do not think you need to be defined by what you did...BUT, you need to cut your husband some slack. This is going to take him YEARS to get over...if he can. And you owe it to him to hang in there.
Did you call SH?
In a way your feelings are unimportant right now. YOU need to take care of the man that you raped....in several horrible ways. Your husband has made a tremendous sacrifice by accepting you back.
If you want someone to pat you on the head and say..."poor you"...that isn't going to happen. I am telling you that your husband is reacting as well as can be expected and YOU have unreasonable expectations at this time.
Even though medc can be very blunt, he has a point. What you have done will last a lifetime, you should be willing to work a lifetime to prove your love. True love doesn't die or fade. You can start to dislike someone you love, but you never stop loving them.
this was my first post to you...find that HONOR again. It is getting lost in your selfishness.
Quote:The results came back negitive and it devasted the both of us.
I feel sorry for your husband. You have done the worst thing imaginable to him.
Quote:That and the fear that now with our son not being his that he will begin to treat our son differently and after and year or so decide he can't deal with it anymore and leave.
This may happen. It is your H's choice if he wants to stay with you or not. It may take him that long to figure it out.
Based on both of your behaviors, I would strongly suggest calling the Harley's immediately.
Good for you choosing to live a honorable life at this time.
_________________________
FBH
Divorced, full custody dad
straight talker
i don't think I'm being selfish but that's fine if you think that way. I know what I did was horrible to him and i fyou read my post I don't think you'll find one that says I think what I did is fine and H should just get over it. That isn't what I want at all I want us to be able to be happy again but I know it's going to be hard, rough time to get there. But if you read the begining of my post then you might look at why I am troubled by my H sudden actions lately. But you know i'm getting used to ppl telling me my thoughts and feelings dont matter and I should be so lucky that my H is still with me and blah blah blah. OK i've heard that so many times it is really a broken record. Not to be disrepecfully to your advice BUT I would really like to hear some other ideas not the same old things over and over. Since me sitting by doing nothing to help my H isn't really helping him. H needs to stop avoiding conflict otherwise we wont be able to move past any of this. YES my H deserves to be angry with me I do believe I have said that numerous times also BUT we have got to be able to work on the issues otherwise we aren't going to make it. We are both going to remain miserable and it isn't healtly or fair. I never said he should stop overnight I do believe I talked about starting plan A so if an A is happening than I started it and also if one isn't than plan A will just further show H how much I am willing to work on us. I am sorry if you keep thinking that I don't think my H has a right to be mad, that I don't think what I did was horrible BUT again find a post where I said the other and I'll just stop posting because I obiviouly need to work more on me than my H cause I must be more concerned about me than working to help my H. MY GOD what kind of person must I be to want to find other ways to help my H because sitting on my [censored] isn't helping him so far so excuse me.
MM:
Take it from someone who LIVED the OC (other child) situation. And "yes" my then-H kept it a secret too for quite some time.
Call STEVE HARLEYLike MEDC and a few others wrote, the OC situation is pretty much the worse thing one can do to one's spouse, especially if they've kept the truth from them intentionally. Its extremely complex and can be very emotionally charged on both sides.
Counseling with the Harley's can help you both sort it out. Here's Steve's coaching center info for booking an appt:
Link:
Click Here Phone: Call toll-free 1 (888) 639-1639
God Bless and I hope this helps you both.
Jo
ok first of all it's not like i was 100% sure that our son was OC but still you are right about if I did think there was a chance he was than yes I should of said something earlier and that I regret but I can't change the past.
So also we are going to a MC so I just want to point out that maybe we cant afford to pay $100+ for a phone session mostly when it's hard enough to get him to go to an actual MC office. H is tired and if we were to say home he would be sleeping. The military insurance is paying for the MC so unless SH accects tricare and is on the list accepted by tricare than we can't call him. WE dont have that kind of money we are living paycheck to paycheck right now.
MM:
Both stories below are where Dr Harley counseled these couples where the Wayward Wife (WW) was deceptive about the paternity of their child. Please read on.
Authored by Dr HarleyThis first letter is to the WW:Let me review with you the Policy of Radical Honesty: Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know; your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future.
This policy encourages you to keep nothing from your husband, not even the fact that you had an affair and that your daughter is not his.
If you had been guided by this rule from the time you were first married, none of this would have ever happened to you. Honesty would have protected you from the affair, since you would have told your husband about your feelings toward your lover early in the relationship. And your honesty would have set into motion a plan to avoid the affair. But it's not too late to be honest. You have years of marriage ahead of you, and the rest of your years together should be guided by truth, not lies.
I'm sure that your reluctance to be honest is due to your uncertainty regarding your husband's reaction. He may choose to divorce you, or at least hold it against you for the rest of your life. You may think that honesty will open a can of worms that once freed will invade your life and ruin it.
Once he knows the truth, will your husband remain married to you, or will he divorce you? What will he do in response to such a painful revelation? Those are just the first of many questions that have yet to be answered. There are many others: Should you tell your daughter who her real father is? Should he have visitation rights? Should he be asked to help support her?
There are no simple answers to any of these questions, but the Policy of Joint Agreement, the second rule that should have guided your marriage, gives you direction regarding the answers. According to the Policy of Joint Agreement, you and your husband should answer each of them in a way that takes each other's feelings into account. If one of you is not enthusiastic about one answer, consider others until you can agree.
Even the question of divorce should be decided together. I understand how unrealistic that may sound, but it's what the Policy of Joint Agreement guides you to do. You should not be divorced unless you are both enthusiastic about doing so. In fact, all of your husband's decisions following your disclosure should wait until you are both in agreement.
But what if he doesn't want to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, you may ask. What if he just goes ahead and divorces me? Quite frankly, even though it may not be what you want, or what I would advise, I think your husband has a right to divorce you. And in some cases I've witnessed, when a wife revealed infidelity, her husband has done just that -- he divorced her. It doesn't happen very often, but it happens.
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This second letter is to the Betrayed Husband (BS) upon D day:It will take a few weeks for all of this to settle in, and during that time, your emotions will take you on a roller-coaster. I recommend that you see your doctor as soon as possible and tell him about your crisis. He may be willing to prescribe an anti-depressant medication for you to help you cope with the shock of these revelations. You need to be as intelligent as possible, and this is no time to let your emotions make decisions for you.
There are two rules that guide marriages to safety and enjoyment. They are the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement. The Rule of Honesty is radical. It requires couples to be completely honest with each other, and your wife has taken the first step in applying that rule to her marriage with you -- she has chosen to be honest with you about the affair and the paternity of her daughter. It may be the first time since you have been married that she has made herself so vulnerable. Use this information wisely, and don't hurt her, even though she has hurt you deeply. You have a very good chance of making the best of what could be a tragic situation. You can create a marriage that will not only survive this, but thrive.
But honesty takes you only so far in marriage. While it helps get the facts out on the table, you must make wise decisions once the facts are known. That's why the Policy of Joint Agreement is as important as honesty. I feel that a decision agreed upon enthusiastically by you and your wife is more likely to be wise than any decision that one of you finds troublesome. So as you and Robin wrestle with these difficult problems, don't make any decision until you have considered enough alternatives to find one that meets with your enthusiastic agreement.
The first decision you will face is whether or not to continue being married at all. Your wife's affair is bad enough, but now you are faced with the prospect of raising someone else's child. It may sound strange for you to apply the Policy of Joint Agreement to the issue of whether or not to be married. You may think that it is for you and you alone to decide. But you are not divorced yet, and your wife has valuable wisdom to inject into your thinking. Her perspective may contain some of the most important information you will need to help you make an enthusiastic decision, so don't ignore it.
You are wondering if Robin really loves you and wants to be married to you? And you wonder why she doesn't seem to feel any remorse? Those questions would be answered as you discuss your future together in an effort to find enthusiastic agreement. Once you reach a joint agreement, you will understand her in a way that you never have in the past. That's the way enthusiastic agreement works. It's only possible when you understand each other.
There are many important issues to consider in deciding your future together. If your daughter were your only child, and if your wife were still in love with her ex-lover, who happened to be single and wanted to marry her, I would lean toward encouraging you to divorce. But since she is the mother of your two children, no longer loves her ex-lover, and wants to save her marriage, I would encourage you to remain married and raise all three children together.
There are many considerations that tug at a decision to marry or divorce, and as you discuss them with your wife you will probably find a clear answer that gains your mutual and enthusiastic agreement.
If you decide to remain married and create a mutually enjoyable future together, then the next decision you will need to make is how to treat Robin's former lover. Should he become a part of your family, with visitation rights as well as financial responsibility for raising his daughter? Or should he be out of your lives entirely?
As with the issue of divorce, this one should also be decided by enthusiastic agreement. But if you want my advice, I usually encourage a couple in your situation to keep the ex-lover away from your family. It may be difficult to engineer, but it is very important for Robin to try to avoid seeing or talking to him ever again. Granted, the affair may be over, but I am always concerned about the possibility of it becoming rekindled. If, for some reason, it is impossible to keep him away from his daughter, I suggest that you act as an intermediary, so that whenever he visits, he does not see or talk to Robin.
Another very difficult issue is whether or not to tell your daughter who her real father is. Again, I suggest that you reach an enthusiastic agreement before you make a decision. The Policy of Radical Honesty applies only to a husband and wife, and not necessarily to children. While I tend to value honesty in all situations, if you and Robin can enthusiastically agree to deceive your child about her real father, it's up to you.
But if you want my advice, I would encourage you to be honest with Robin's daughter very early in life, so that there are no surprises later. I think it's more important for her to know she can trust what you say, than that she thinks you are her real father. Eventually, she is likely to know the truth anyway, and if she was consistently told that she was your daughter, the truth might undermine her trust of you. Regardless of who her genetic father may be, you will be the father that cares for her most for the rest of her life, and she will know that about you as you raise her into adulthood.
Once you make these decisions, you have many more decisions to make, but they can all strengthen your relationship with Robin if they follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. While your situation is tragic, if you make wise decisions regarding your future, you will minimize the damage. And your new way to make decisions will greatly improve your lifestyle and marriage, improvement you have needed very badly.
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It is obvious to me that you are very remorseful and you just want to see a little light at the end of the tunnel. The light is there. I know you realize you made a terrible mistake and I know you are trying.
Your husband is very very hurt. It takes time and I know you hate that and know that, but it does.
You know how your husband feels, we don't need to remind you. You live it everyday.
There is no magic pill. Your husband has a constant reminder everyday of what happened in the OC. That's hard for anyone
Until he can come to terms with it, your marriage is going to be rough and rocky.
He has to be able to accept it to move on. No one can make him do that. Not even you. All you can do is be there for him. He is the only one that can let himself be fixed.There is nothing you can do that you are not already doing.
Patience is all you have and Love is all you need to give.
Have you ever sat him down and said: Honey I know what I have done is devastating to you, but I am willing to spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you and regret how I have hurt you. I will always hate what I have done to us, but I am willing to stay and put everything I have into keeping our marriage. If I could go back in time and change things I would, but all I can do right now is love you and be here for you.
That will not change his anger, but it will plant a seed that will help him forgive you. He hasn't really forgiven you yet. When he really forgives you, you will see your old husband again.
Don't give up.
I see two ways for the two of you to solve this problem and stay married.
1. Deal with it and run with plan-A. Weather he is activly having an A or not, plan-A is meant to show what a marriage with you can be like. Hundreds of us BS's are doing, or have done plan-A and dealt with very simmilar problems from our waywards as you are having from your BS; with the bonus of WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO COUSE THERE AFFAIR!!!!! So I assure you, if we can do it, so can you.
Or2. Study these.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/General_relativityhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special_relativityhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gravitational_time_dilationAnd most importantly, this one.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_travelPull that all together and build somthing like this.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DeLorean_time_machineAnd you should be able to fix the entire problem.
I wish I could. but thanks for the advice on starting plan a that is what i think i will do.