Marriage Builders
Posted By: Harmony08 Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/16/08 04:22 AM


Hello Everyone! Im a newbie here, but I have so many Q, im hoping to just start here and all of you out there can guide me in some answers so I can help a friend.

I have been friends with her for maybe 17 yrs.. her husband too. they have been married for 15 years, I have been with my husband for 18 years. Her marriage is troubled, always has been. I can see the controlling husband, manipulating her, all that comes with that, and shes been so weak she played right into his hands all these years, now shes afraid and wants out.

He will NOT be married to someone who just bought a pack of smokes, and if she needs to talk to someone she can talk to his parents or sisters... she isnt allowed to have friends, she has no family or siblings but me... and im not giving up!! nor does she want me to. He does. Imt he strong one smile he calls me yelling and screaming the stronger she gets, she was just allowed to get a job, and she LOVES being on the outside world, which has brought her tremendous strength. But yesterday and all week he is saying... I want to be your number 1, and I want you with only me, and all to myself.. and I am jealous of your 1 girlfriend, why do you have to talk to her? why cant you just talk to me more? why do you have to share thoughts or secrets with her? I dont get it!! no matter how she tried to rationalize that it isnt healthy to not have other relationships, his tone gets scary, and violent, and hes getting more scarier as the days go by that he sees her not giving in.

How can I help her? and guide her when I truly believe in marriage? I love my husband, we have no trust issues, never have etc... we are 2 grown seperate people. Please guide me with her.... I am fearing for her life lately... Has anyone seen the movie..... sleeping with the enemy???
Posted By: imagine Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/16/08 08:16 AM
Can your friend get to this site herself?

It is always tricky going through the middleman.

Meanwhile, pray for wisdom dealing with this man.

Posted By: medc Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/16/08 12:47 PM
Honestly, while I abhor abuse, their relationship is not your business(IF she is being physically assaulted though, contact a local shelter and seek guidance). If you are aware of physical abuse, help her out. If she asks for your help to deal with abuse, help her find shelter.

One thing about your post that makes me question YOU here is the comment about "smokes." Why is it wrong for her husband to not want to be married to a smoker??? What makes that wrong in your eyes?
Posted By: doingfine Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/16/08 01:19 PM
I do understand that the H would want his wife to come to him instead of a girlfriend, my H would not want me talking smack about him to someone and especially not saying anything to him about it, thats what get marriages in trouble when the Spouse's aren't intimate with each other.
If she is being physically abused then by all means she needs to run for her life.
you say that you and your H are two different people. but you should think,concur and live as one, and tell each other your problems.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/16/08 04:38 PM
Why in the world are you interfering in this womans marriage? He is not the problem here, SHE IS. She shouldn't be trash talking her own husband to her girlfriends. She shouldn't be GOING OUT OF HER WAY TO MAKE HER HUSBAND MISERABLE!

If she knows it make him miserable, why doesn't she STOP?? crazy HELLO? That really sucks and he is right to be angry about it.

How is it "unhealthy" to ask your spouse to not trash talk you and have "secrets" about you outside of your marriage? crazy How is it "healthy" to continue doing something that you KNOW makes your spouse miserable? That is "healthy??" On what planet? dontknow

Disrespecting her husband with thoughtless behavior is NOT "healthy" to her marriage. dontknow

Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/16/08 04:44 PM
Originally Posted by Harmony08
why cant you just talk to me more? why do you have to share thoughts or secrets with her? I dont get it!! no matter how she tried to rationalize that it isnt healthy to not have other relationships, his tone gets scary, and violent, and hes getting more scarier as the days go by that he sees her not giving in.

Let me tell ya something. If my H was trash talking me to some jerky "friend" my tone would be SCARY and VIOLENT. All he11 would break loose over that disloyal, disrespectful bullcrap. I guarandamntee ya! I wouldn't tolerate that for 2 seconds and neither should he.

If you are REALLY her friend, you would tell her to stop being a jerk to her husband and show him some respect. You are being an enemy to her marriage.

It just amazes me how some women operate. They believe they are entitled to treat men like CRAP and then cry WAAAA VICTIM [he is "controlling!" "abusive" "manipulative!!" blah, blah, blah.... cry] when he objects.

give me a break..
Posted By: imagine Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/16/08 07:11 PM
Wow you guys...

There are usually two sides (unless personally involved...) I will never knock a poster for caring.

How can we know the scope of the problem with this limited and hearsay information? That is why I think that direct contact with the poster's friend is necessary.

If the poster has been misguided, let us help her on the path.
Tackle the problem, not the person.

I wonder if this infidelity forum is appropriate for this topic?
And c'mon guys... play nice.

Originally Posted by Harmony08


Hello Everyone! Im a newbie here, but I have so many Q, im hoping to just start here and all of you out there can guide me in some answers so I can help a friend.

I have been friends with her for maybe 17 yrs.. her husband too. they have been married for 15 years, I have been with my husband for 18 years. Her marriage is troubled, always has been. I can see the controlling husband, manipulating her, all that comes with that, and shes been so weak she played right into his hands all these years, now shes afraid and wants out.

He will NOT be married to someone who just bought a pack of smokes, and if she needs to talk to someone she can talk to his parents or sisters... she isnt allowed to have friends, she has no family or siblings but me... and im not giving up!! nor does she want me to. He does. Imt he strong one smile he calls me yelling and screaming the stronger she gets, she was just allowed to get a job, and she LOVES being on the outside world, which has brought her tremendous strength. But yesterday and all week he is saying... I want to be your number 1, and I want you with only me, and all to myself.. and I am jealous of your 1 girlfriend, why do you have to talk to her? why cant you just talk to me more? why do you have to share thoughts or secrets with her? I dont get it!! no matter how she tried to rationalize that it isnt healthy to not have other relationships, his tone gets scary, and violent, and hes getting more scarier as the days go by that he sees her not giving in.

How can I help her? and guide her when I truly believe in marriage? I love my husband, we have no trust issues, never have etc... we are 2 grown seperate people. Please guide me with her.... I am fearing for her life lately... Has anyone seen the movie..... sleeping with the enemy???

This guy definitely sounds like a "control freak." I once dated someone like this and he tried to isolate me from my friends and family, saying "we" were a couple and we didn't need anyone else.

I got out before the physical abuse started and afterwards I could clearly see that it would have.

He has been telling her he is jealous, etc., because of her new job and her friends? Well, he is afraid he is losing control of her.

I don't know that you can do ANYTHING about it. The person who is being abused is the one who has to see what is going on and sometimes that doesn't happen until they get away from the abuser. If they are lucky, they get away alive.

Just be a friend as much as you can and pray. Pray A LOT.

Charlotte



Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/16/08 10:18 PM
Originally Posted by imagine
I wonder if this infidelity forum is appropriate for this topic?
And c'mon guys... play nice.

Imagine, what is not "nice" is accusing a spouse of being "abusive" and "controlling" because he wants to be #1 in his wife's life. What is not "nice" is accusing a man of being "controlling" when he objects to being trash talked by his wife. What is not "nice" is interfering in this couple's marriage, when she knows it is causing trouble.

I wouldn't call it "caring" to interfere in someones marriage when it is known to cause trouble. That is not "caring."

Try and keep this in perspective and ask yourself what you would say to a MAN who came here complaining that his friend's wife DEMANDED that she be #1 in his life :MrEEk: and that he stop talking trash about her to his friends? hmmmmm

I betcha the story would be spun a leetle differently..
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/16/08 10:25 PM
Originally Posted by Harmony08
But yesterday and all week he is saying...

I want to be your number 1, and

I want you with only me, and all to myself.. and

I am jealous of your 1 girlfriend,

why do you have to talk to her?

why cant you just talk to me more?

why do you have to share thoughts or secrets with her?

Sorry, but this is not "abuse" or "control." This is a man who rightfully wants to be #1 in his wife's life and wants her to stop going outside of the marriage to get her needs met. A VERY REASONABLE EXPECTATION. He wants her to STOP putting her friendship with her "friend" FIRST and wants her to STOP talking about HIM and telling secrets to her "friend."

That is what every married person wants and expects: TO BE NUMBER 1. To not have their spouse trash talking them behind their backs. That ain't "abuse." That ain't "control."

It is a PROBLEM to be solved if a spouse does not feel like he is number 1 in his spouses life, not a reason to CONDEMN. If a spouse feels JEALOUS, then the solution is to STOP doing what causes that anxiety. NOT to continue aggravating him.

But to continue this behavior when she knows it upsets him *IS* abuse. It is obnoxious and disrespectful and bound to cause resentment. The solution is to STOP causing him aggravation and anxiety and I did not see that suggested in your post, Harmony.
Posted By: TheRoad Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/16/08 10:44 PM
One can only judge by what the poster wrote. This Guy is a control freak, that wants to have a unhealthy relationship with his spouse.

The way WS's need help to break free from their OP, this posters friend needs help to have a healthy marriage.

I can't believe that so many poster's here don't want this woman's friend to get the help she and her husband needs.

Is it better to wait for violence, an affair, or how about both?

We only know half of the story, so we don't know the truth.

But you all are willing to convict.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/16/08 10:52 PM
Oh pshaw, there is no "abuse" based on what was described here. And I have no doubt she framed it in the worst possible light and told us the worst she knows.

Quote
But you all are willing to convict.

The only one I see being convicted here is the husband. Pointing out their conviction of him is not wrong.

This is a TYPICAL CASE of a wife being extremely thoughtless and mean to her husband and then accusing him of trying to "control" her when he objects to her thoughtlessness.

It is not "abusive" to want to be #1 in the marriage. It is not "abusive" to not want your spouse to not trash talk you to her friends. This man feels like her "friendship" with this woman is interfering in his marriage and that he comes SECOND TO THE FRIEND. He is RIGHT to object if that is the case. A loving wife would want to TURN THAT AROUND, not condemn him for it.

Any spouse who felt like he/she is NUMBER 2 to a "friend" should be concerned.
Yeah, and lest we forget:

Quote
she was just "allowed" to get a job

THAT speaks VOLUMES.

I used to work with a woman who was abused. She came to work black and blue on some days and on some days she didn't make it in at ALL, because her husband beat the hell out of her on a regular basis. We all tried to help her, offered to hide her, find a shelter, etc. She was TERRIFIED. She said he would find her no matter where she went.

It could be something as small as: not using serving dishes to serve a meal. He insisted on it, even when he was not there. The family was NOT allowed to serve themselves buffet style from the pots on the stove.

So they would always have to be sure and put serving dishes in the dish rack so that he would think they had used them.

That is SCARY STUFF. Just the post itself makes me think about her and others I have known that were being abused. My best friend from high school got involved with an control-freak abuser, too. He moved her to Illinois to isolate her. She eventually got away from him but now she is battling alcoholism. She still feels like a worthless human being because of his actions.

Charlotte
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/16/08 11:04 PM
Originally Posted by Dancing_Machine
Yeah, and lest we forget:

Quote
she was just "allowed" to get a job
THAT speaks VOLUMES. I used to work with a woman who was abused.


How sad that she lives in a country where a woman must GET PERMISSION from her husband to go to work!

I wonder what country that would be? SAUDI ARABIA, perhaps?

Thank goodness we live in a country where women don't need their husband's permission to work, huh?

curious that she needs her H's permission to work, but not his permission to carry on her friendship hmmmm

I would point out that the poster never said he beat her up, only that he objects to her placing her friendship above her marriage. That ain't abuse.
Posted By: believer Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/16/08 11:08 PM
"He will NOT be married to someone who just bought a pack of smokes, and if she needs to talk to someone she can talk to his parents or sisters... she isnt allowed to have friends, she has no family or siblings but me..."

Not allowed to have friends? Hang in there with her. Her husband shows all the signs of being abusive.
Posted By: believer Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/16/08 11:29 PM
And I think I would watch and see if there are any other signs of abuse.

Has she ever had injuries that she explained away?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/16/08 11:43 PM
Why do I feel like I have entered the twilight zone?
crazy

believer, just because a man wants to be #1 in his wifes life and resents the interference of this "friendship" does not mean he is a wife beater. Most men do want to be #1 and DO resent a friendship coming before the marriage. They RESENT being trashtalked behind their back. SO DO WOMEN.

That is NOT abusive behavior and his objection to said behavior does not mean he is an "abuser" on the same level as a wife beater.

My gosh, I don't know how or why men tolerate this kind of crazy crap. I wouldn't put up with this for a second and neither would most women.

I don't think we are doing this marriage any favors by allowing them to hang this husband as an "abuser" because he objects to thoughtless behavior. His marriage is already in trouble because of this "friendship" and the posts here are doing nothing to resolve that. dontknow
Posted By: doingfine Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/17/08 03:42 AM
Melody, in my post above yours I said the same things your saying. I didn't understand this "friend"
There was not one mention of this man having an affair, not one mention of this man physically hurting his wife, not even any mention of what I would call "controlling"
Maybe, just maybe he dosen't want his wife hanging with this friend? Maybe this friend encourages his wife to do things that aren't working in the marriage, maybe that is why he wants her to spend time with family and NOT this friend that is causing some problems?

Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/17/08 04:06 AM
doingfine, thanks for reminding me that I am not in the twilight zone and am not the only one who sees what is going on here. I agree with you 100%.
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Dancing_Machine
Yeah, and lest we forget:

Quote
she was just "allowed" to get a job
THAT speaks VOLUMES. I used to work with a woman who was abused.


How sad that she lives in a country where a woman must GET PERMISSION from her husband to go to work!

I wonder what country that would be? SAUDI ARABIA, perhaps?

Thank goodness we live in a country where women don't need their husband's permission to work, huh?

curious that she needs her H's permission to work, but not his permission to carry on her friendship hmmmm

I would point out that the poster never said he beat her up, only that he objects to her placing her friendship above her marriage. That ain't abuse.

I didn't see any mention of Saudi Arabia. What I did see were red flags indicating that this husband clearly has issues. The poster stated that this man has been controlling his wife for many years.

It would be nice if the poster would come back and clarify some things for everyone.

I have to admit that I did have some "BA wonderings" about this post, though. I guess that is possible but that still doesn't erase the red flags.

Charlotte
Posted By: bigkahuna Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/17/08 04:30 AM
Originally Posted by Dancing_Machine
I didn't see any mention of Saudi Arabia. What I did see were red flags indicating that this husband clearly has issues. The poster stated that this man has been controlling his wife for many years.

The only thing that is CLEAR s that we don't have enough information to make that judgement.
Originally Posted by bigkahuna
Originally Posted by Dancing_Machine
I didn't see any mention of Saudi Arabia. What I did see were red flags indicating that this husband clearly has issues. The poster stated that this man has been controlling his wife for many years.

The only thing that is CLEAR s that we don't have enough information to make that judgement.

I read it and saw red flags because I've seen a lot of this over the years, unfortunately.

It doesn't appear the poster is going to come back, though, so it's a moot point, really.

It was probably BA who is enjoying the sparring back and forth right now while sitting in front of his monitor thinking up more insidious plans for MB.

Charlotte
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/17/08 04:45 AM
Originally Posted by Dancing_Machine
I didn't see any mention of Saudi Arabia. What I did see were red flags indicating that this husband clearly has issues. The poster stated that this man has been controlling his wife for many years.

What I see are several posters who have "issues" with men, sadly. frown
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Dancing_Machine
I didn't see any mention of Saudi Arabia. What I did see were red flags indicating that this husband clearly has issues. The poster stated that this man has been controlling his wife for many years.

What I see are several posters who have "issues" with men, sadly. frown

Issues with men? Who might that be? I have issues with abusers, whether male or female. I just happen to have had a lot of experience with this issue in particular and I have an aunt in a situation like this right now. Almost cookie cutter to what the poster described.

As far as men go:

I avoid MEN, period, at this point. Not because I am worried about abuse but because men...not ALL men, maybe not even MOST men...but plenty of men just want sex and that's all they think about. That is the ONLY issue I have with men.

Charlotte
Posted By: bigkahuna Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/17/08 05:18 AM
Originally Posted by Dancing_Machine
I avoid MEN, period, at this point. Not because I am worried about abuse but because men...not ALL men, maybe not even MOST men...but plenty of men just want sex and that's all they think about. That is the ONLY issue I have with men.

Charlotte, I'm HIGHLY offended by your mischaracterization of men. (And worse your projecting this on such scant evidence)
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/17/08 05:23 AM
Originally Posted by Dancing_Machine
As far as men go:

I avoid MEN, period, at this point. Not because I am worried about abuse but because men...not ALL men, maybe not even MOST men...but plenty of men just want sex and that's all they think about. That is the ONLY issue I have with men.

Charlotte

As I said, "issues" with men....
Originally Posted by Harmony08


Hello Everyone! Im a newbie here, but I have so many Q, im hoping to just start here and all of you out there can guide me in some answers so I can help a friend.

I have been friends with her for maybe 17 yrs.. her husband too. they have been married for 15 years, I have been with my husband for 18 years. Her marriage is troubled, always has been. I can see the controlling husband, manipulating her, all that comes with that, and shes been so weak she played right into his hands all these years, now shes afraid and wants out.

He will NOT be married to someone who just bought a pack of smokes, and if she needs to talk to someone she can talk to his parents or sisters... she isnt allowed to have friends, she has no family or siblings but me... and im not giving up!! nor does she want me to. He does. Imt he strong one smile he calls me yelling and screaming the stronger she gets, she was just allowed to get a job, and she LOVES being on the outside world, which has brought her tremendous strength. But yesterday and all week he is saying... I want to be your number 1, and I want you with only me, and all to myself.. and I am jealous of your 1 girlfriend, why do you have to talk to her? why cant you just talk to me more? why do you have to share thoughts or secrets with her? I dont get it!! no matter how she tried to rationalize that it isnt healthy to not have other relationships, his tone gets scary, and violent, and hes getting more scarier as the days go by that he sees her not giving in.

How can I help her? and guide her when I truly believe in marriage? I love my husband, we have no trust issues, never have etc... we are 2 grown seperate people. Please guide me with her.... I am fearing for her life lately... Has anyone seen the movie..... sleeping with the enemy???

Harmony,

The BEST way you can be a friend to this woman is to be a friend to her MARRIAGE...It MUST come first...Most people take vows that say "forsaking ALL OTHERS"...that is the way it is supposed to be...Why not support the marriage, and in doing so you will likely find that her husband LOVES having you as their friend...

Encourage her to be the BEST wife that she can be! Help her learn about meeting her husband's most important emotional needs...Help her take on a new perspective about her husband and marriage...A POSITIVE one...

It is NOT abusive for her husband to want to be #1 in her life...And of course he should be hurt and offended if his wife has "secrets" from him...doing so KILLS INTIMACY...Please be her TRUE friend and support her marriage...Whaddaya say?

Is there another man in your friend's life by chance? Because I will tell you that the battlecry of a wayward wife is "My husband is so controlling!"...Also, you are posting in the infidelity section of this website...I truly hope that there is not an OM in this situation, but I'll be honest and tell you that I strongly suspect it...

I look forward to your reply...

Mrs. W
Originally Posted by bigkahuna
Originally Posted by Dancing_Machine
I avoid MEN, period, at this point. Not because I am worried about abuse but because men...not ALL men, maybe not even MOST men...but plenty of men just want sex and that's all they think about. That is the ONLY issue I have with men.

Charlotte, I'm HIGHLY offended by your mischaracterization of men. (And worse your projecting this on such scant evidence)

I did not say ALL men were this way. I have plenty of evidence for it from what has happened to me over the last year regarding men. That is ONE reason I still wear my wedding ring--I can only imagine what it would be like if I wasn't wearing it.

Charlotte
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Dancing_Machine
As far as men go:

I avoid MEN, period, at this point. Not because I am worried about abuse but because men...not ALL men, maybe not even MOST men...but plenty of men just want sex and that's all they think about. That is the ONLY issue I have with men.

Charlotte

As I said, "issues" with men....

Okay. Whatever. I don't have time to argue about it, I have more homework to finish. I only know what I've seen regarding abusive situations and this smacks of it. Hard.

Charlotte
Quote
her husband LOVES having you as their friend...

I sincerely doubt it, if the man is a control freak. If he is, he is threatened by everyone and everything that take the attention of his "property" away from him. Family, friends, jobs, even children.

A friend to such a marriage? Hasn't it been stated here that ALL marriages should not be saved? I would be a friend to my FRIEND in such a case and try to help them get out of an abusive situation if that was indeed the case.

Yes, it would be nice if the poster came back to explain this situation a bit further.

Charlotte
Posted By: doingfine Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/17/08 06:45 AM
Charlotte, I agree that the poster threw this out and now has abandoned the thread, but its a good lesson for us and good to debate about it.
The poster sounds petty with the way she states her friends husband and marriage is, almost like she is jealous and wants people to rally around her so her friend comes to her side.
I understand that right now you sound like your on a vacation from men, try not to gerneralize or be bitter about all men, one thing is that I think we have all learned that men and women don't share what they feel very well so maybe it does come across like thats all their interested in, maybe you haven't been around the right ones, when your feeling sound about yourself and you do meet someone, that can be something you can clarify right up front, explain yourself and how you feel, that would be ok.
doingfine,

Quote
The poster sounds petty with the way she states her friends husband and marriage is, almost like she is jealous and wants people to rally around her so her friend comes to her side.


Yeah, perspective is a funny thing, ain't it? I don't get that from the post at all. Because I have seen too much of abusive situations, that's why.

Quote
I understand that right now you sound like your on a vacation from men, try not to gerneralize or be bitter about all men, one thing is that I think we have all learned that men and women don't share what they feel very well so maybe it does come across like thats all their interested in, maybe you haven't been around the right ones, when your feeling sound about yourself and you do meet someone, that can be something you can clarify right up front, explain yourself and how you feel, that would be ok.


Yes, I am on a "vacation" from men. However, I did NOT generalize and put ALL men in the same category. I said "A LOT OF" men, not all.

I am NOT BITTER about men. If I was bitter I wouldn't be friends with the ones I am friends with. I would avoid all men like the plague, even the ones I have been friends with for most of my life.

I did clarify this with my dance instructor right up front when we met and we've never had a problem with it. I haven't been able to dance much lately, though. I am talking about regular, mundane things, like going to the grocery store, getting gas and going to school. I don't go anywhere else. I don't go to parties or hang out in bars, where you expect this kind of thing. I'm talking about being "hit on" during regular, everyday, benign activities. It's like some men have a radar about this kind of thing, kind of like when a shark senses injured prey in the water.

Charlotte


Posted By: medc Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/17/08 12:33 PM
You obviously have issues with men. I think you should seek help to deal with them.

That being said, yes, there are HUGE red flags here. But, as BK said, we do not have enough information to go on. I suggested that this poster contact a local shelter IF there is physical abuse. If not, she should butt out.

Friends sometimes have a way of painting their friends spouse as an abuser/controlling..etc. They do it not because the abuse is real...but because the spouse doesn't care for the friend. An recent example in my life would be a girl that I was dating was friends with a girl that was being disrespectful to her husband. She was having an affair. I told the person I was dating how I felt about her associating with an adulterer and told her that was not acceptable in my life (and BTW, I had a fellow MB'er contact her husband to inform him of the affair!). Now, the girl paints me as controlling and abusive...why? Because SHE was in the wrong and needs someone else to blame.

I do not trust the words of the original poster as she brought up something as ridiculous as smoking.

The best thing for her to do is to be a friend IF there is physical abuse. There are lots of places for guidance on that. If there isn't PA, she should keep her nose out of their business.

And DM, your characterization of men was ridiculous. Get help.
Posted By: doingfine Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/17/08 01:44 PM
Quote
I am NOT BITTER about men. If I was bitter I wouldn't be friends with the ones I am friends with. I would avoid all men like the plague, even the ones I have been friends with for most of my life.

ok, thats fine, and I wasen't doing that in a accusing truly, I just know there are points and times in my life that I have been bitter and generalized, there are STILL certain things I am trying to shake.
I can see where you would see the side of the poster, there are certain things and for sure certain behaviors that turn to abuse. I grew up with a lot of abuse as a kid, in my later years I have learned to talk about it and incidents, all of my life I wanted to control the response's of the listner/s when I would talk about the things that happened to me in my childhood, I didn't want people to be horrified or sad about it, but have learned that I just can't control that, and my friends and kids should know what makes me, me, and its ok if people have sympathy, empathy and are horrified, sometimes I tell a story and can't believe I was there let alone the victim, my point is when I hear things theat "perk" my ears I am all over it to, dang I wrote all this and now can't remember what my real point was, maybe I just wanted you to know that I can sense abuse to and I am not meaning to blow the poster off, but I just don't feel it yet, that is why she needs to come back with the friend or herself and give us more.
Quote
You obviously have issues with men. I think you should seek help to deal with them.

rotflmao


Yeah, I DO have issues with abusive men.

Charlotte
Hi doingfine,

Well, I was in a defensive mode because I was accused of generalizing, which I clearly did not.

The things in the post that struck me are the very same things I went through personally with an ex-boyfriend. The smoking, too. I had a problem with it and he harassed and harangued me into a quivering mass of jelly. Did it help me quit? Nope. It made me want to smoke more. And it made it a lot harder for me when I wanted to quit later, too. Long after we had broken up.

This guy is the reason I ended up with PTSD. When I read about it here, it was like-Bingo! I haven't had that with WH's cheating, at least not so far. Maybe the ex-bf caused me to be more prepared mentally, I don't know. Could be.

Charlotte
Posted By: medc Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/17/08 05:49 PM
Originally Posted by Dancing_Machine
Quote
You obviously have issues with men. I think you should seek help to deal with them.

rotflmao


Yeah, I DO have issues with abusive men.

Charlotte


This quote speaks to problems with men...not just abusive men. Certainly having issue with abusers is understandable..and in fact commendable. I was only going by the words you wrote.

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As far as men go:

I avoid MEN, period, at this point. Not because I am worried about abuse but because men...not ALL men, maybe not even MOST men...but plenty of men just want sex and that's all they think about. That is the ONLY issue I have with men.
Posted By: believer Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/17/08 05:56 PM
Oh, its probably just BA again. Isn't he the one who picks a one word name with a number?

If this is a genuine post, we probably do need more info, maybe from the wife. However, the fact that she cannot have any friends, has finally been "allowed" to work, and his tone gets scary and angry are red flags to me.
Posted By: keepitreal Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/17/08 06:09 PM
I'd be willing to bet it's BA who clearly has no life of his/her own, and loves making posts about "friends" problems to stir MBers into squabbling with each other. Any post started by BA would be best ignored.

If there is indeed a case of abuse going on (doubtful) why wouldn't "Harmony" have enough sense to direct the "friend" to immediate help rather than come to a discussion forum?

BA obviously has such a disdain for marriage, that wasting time that COULD be spent helping marriages of real people, is a source of sick jollies.
Posted By: medc Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/17/08 06:10 PM
Originally Posted by believer
Oh, its probably just BA again. Isn't he the one who picks a one word name with a number?

If this is a genuine post, we probably do need more info, maybe from the wife. However, the fact that she cannot have any friends, has finally been "allowed" to work, and his tone gets scary and angry are red flags to me.

well...I wouldn't say it is a fact that she can't have friends...but if it is true, perhaps she has shown herself to be irresponsible with her friendships. Yes, there are red flags...but there are enough red flags about this poster to suspect her motives are "pure."
Posted By: medc Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/17/08 06:11 PM
the mods are doing a good job filtering out the BA posts. I would assume they would have picked up on this already.
Originally Posted by medc
Originally Posted by Dancing_Machine
Quote
You obviously have issues with men. I think you should seek help to deal with them.

rotflmao


Yeah, I DO have issues with abusive men.

Charlotte


This quote speaks to problems with men...not just abusive men. Certainly having issue with abusers is understandable..and in fact commendable. I was only going by the words you wrote.

Quote
As far as men go:

I avoid MEN, period, at this point. Not because I am worried about abuse but because men...not ALL men, maybe not even MOST men...but plenty of men just want sex and that's all they think about. That is the ONLY issue I have with men.

I didn't mean to sound harsh about it. I am not talking about ALL men here. I know a lot of very good men and a few of them are very dear friends. I have just been having a lot of trouble when I go out in public, hence the "shark" comparison in another post. I guess I was just away from society for too long in self-imposed exile with WH and I didn't remember how it is out there.

Charlotte
Originally Posted by believer
Oh, its probably just BA again. Isn't he the one who picks a one word name with a number?

If this is a genuine post, we probably do need more info, maybe from the wife. However, the fact that she cannot have any friends, has finally been "allowed" to work, and his tone gets scary and angry are red flags to me.

Yeah, I was wondering about the BA thing, too.

ITA about that husband, that's for sure.

Charlotte
Originally Posted by keepitreal
I'd be willing to bet it's BA who clearly has no life of his/her own, and loves making posts about "friends" problems to stir MBers into squabbling with each other. Any post started by BA would be best ignored.

If there is indeed a case of abuse going on (doubtful) why wouldn't "Harmony" have enough sense to direct the "friend" to immediate help rather than come to a discussion forum?

BA obviously has such a disdain for marriage, that wasting time that COULD be spent helping marriages of real people, is a source of sick jollies.

Too true.

Charlotte
Originally Posted by Dancing_Machine
Originally Posted by keepitreal
I'd be willing to bet it's BA who clearly has no life of his/her own, and loves making posts about "friends" problems to stir MBers into squabbling with each other. Any post started by BA would be best ignored.

If there is indeed a case of abuse going on (doubtful) why wouldn't "Harmony" have enough sense to direct the "friend" to immediate help rather than come to a discussion forum?

BA obviously has such a disdain for marriage, that wasting time that COULD be spent helping marriages of real people, is a source of sick jollies.

Too true.

Charlotte

Speaking of BA, does anybody else get emails from him?
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/17/08 07:21 PM
Originally Posted by believer
If this is a genuine post, we probably do need more info, maybe from the wife. However, the fact that she cannot have any friends, has finally been "allowed" to work, and his tone gets scary and angry are red flags to me.

Unfortunatley, the posters here have already condemned the H as an "abusive controller" with no evidence to support any such accusation.

What is a red flag to me is a woman who purposely aggravates her husband by trash talking him behind his back and putting her "friendship" before her marriage.

And unless these people live in some foreign country, women do not NEED the permission of their husbands to get a job so that is a silly complaint. It makes no sense.

And my "tone" would be DAMN ANGRY if my H was trash talking me to some silly friend that disrespected my marriage and me.

My concern is how eager women are to condemn men as "abusive" and "controlling" with absolutely no basis in fact. That is a gross injustice and I feel sorry that men have to tolerate that ABUSE. frown
Posted By: Maverick_mb Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/17/08 07:27 PM
We have no reason to believe at this time that Harmony08 is the poster known as BestAdvisor. Please stop with the speculation on the open forums. If you feel that there is something that we should know about, PLEASE use the notify moderator button. That is the way that you can best help us do OUR jobs.

Thank you.
Posted By: imagine Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/17/08 08:02 PM
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Unfortunatley, the posters here have already condemned the H as an "abusive controller" with no evidence to support any such accusation.

What is a red flag to me is a woman who purposely aggravates her husband by trash talking him behind his back and putting her "friendship" before her marriage.

And unless these people live in some foreign country, women do not NEED the permission of their husbands to get a job so that is a silly complaint. It makes no sense.

And my "tone" would be DAMN ANGRY if my H was trash talking me to some silly friend that disrespected my marriage and me.

My concern is how eager women are to condemn men as "abusive" and "controlling" with absolutely no basis in fact. That is a gross injustice and I feel sorry that men have to tolerate that ABUSE. frown

Mel

Funnily enough, I do side with you on the matter of interference in a relationship.

And curiously, I do not necessarily link "control" and "abuse" in the same sentence. I contend that some people may even feel "safe" in a controlled environment.

I especially agree that spouses SHOULD be best friends. Nevertheless there may well be cracks in their relationship that would benefit from MB plastering (obviously with their permission)

This is why I recommended getting details direct from the "horses mouth".

And I guess you know already that I'm not trying to be contentious.
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I feel sorry that men have to tolerate that ABUSE. \:\(

Aw, poor men! Boo-hoo!

You had a different view of this situation than me and some others here. That's fine. No one knows the real story. What I read reminded me smack dab of that ex-bf. What you read reminds you of something else. Okay then.

We'll probably never know the real story. Doesn't look like "Harmony" is coming back.

Charlotte
Posted By: medc Re: Controlling Husbands VS. Girlfriends - 11/18/08 12:38 PM
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Aw, poor men! Boo-hoo!

nah, you don't have any issues with men...not a one.

thankfully some people are concerned about abuse no matter the gender of the players.
Charlotte, you have every reason to be cautious. I, too, have experienced some of the "come on, baby"s. sick

No, it is not all men and I know you recognize that - but you are well within your right to protect yourself from the ones that ARE like that and to be on the lookout for them.

I don't think you have issues with men at all. I think you are healing and reacting from your own experiences. Each and every one of us do that.

Carry on.
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