I know that I'll hurt from the A for a very, very long time. That's obvious and unfortunately understandable. I wish that I could have somebody knock me upside the head :twobyfour: and I wouldn't remember it, but that's not going to happen anytime soon....too bad.

So we need some help from all of you: How do you deal with the pain of the affair and work on the other issues at the same time? How do you separate them? I'll be doing good and then something will trigger me and I'll be on the downward spiral of the rollercoaster yet again, and it will set us back on the progress we've been making.

At this point, talking about the A really isn't helping our situation at all - the only things left to talk about are the details that frankly I mentally can't handle. But there are times when I can't stop myself from all the thoughts that are flooding my head no matter how much I don't want them there. The visions, the questions about the time period and what was really going on, all the things that go through your head in this situation.

How did you deal with these thoughts?
How did you stop them?
How did you get past them to work on your M and the issues that brought the M down in the first place?
Is it even possible to really work on our M while I'm still in such pain over the A?

Does anybody have any advice on how we go about this? Any mind tricks you used to get your head to stop the unwanted thoughts/images?

Honestly your first idea is the best solution (i.e. hammer to the head). Short of that, there is no magic pill.

My recommendation is to chill a bit on issues. Recognize and, if necessary, discuss what LBs are for each of you so you can avoid them. Go into damage control mode.

Try to simply plan A each other as best as possible.

The pain and triggers won't go away any time soon. Eventually when you begin to think they have, they come back even stronger. I'm 3+ years and I almost lost it last night watching Spiderman 3 with FWW and the DDs. Go figure. I'm pretty sure FWW knew it too and I think she even knew why. Good for her.

When things become too intense, get away from (F)WH. Go running. Do exercise. Endorphins merit their PR.

Don't try to work on things that led to the A - because nothing led to the A.

Talk about things that each of you would like to have in a great marriage. Forget the past for the moment. Look at a great M as a thing. What is it for each of you? Treat it as a goal. Define it first and then think of how you can achieve it.

The thing is that even if you fixed all the "problems", you still might not have a great marriage. Even if the A had not happened, were you having a great M? I doubt it. So think of this as almost an adventure that you are embarking on together as long as it is your shared goal.

Spooning is a good thing too. Much better than SF at this point. I suggest spooning at least once a day.

That is actually advice you can build a marriage on.

In all seriousness, I would make mandatory scheduled spooning if you can't do it voluntarily. You don't even have to talk.

Agree on a novel - and take turns reading aloud from the novel (sit somewhere quiet together) - 30 minutes every evening.

My husband and I read Four Past Midnight which is a collection of four novellas by Stephen King.

This gave us something different to talk about, and reading a book together drew us closer.

Go for walks every day. 30 minutes. There is no relationship discussion allowed on the walk - it is for daydreaming only. Stuff like ... "If you won a huge lottery, what would be the first second and third thing you'd do?"

Thanks for all the great ideas so far. We'll have to work on those. We can use all the help we can get as I'm sure everybody here knows all too well.

Excellent idea - have to tweak it a little at the moment seeing how it's getting close to the time when it's -20 outside. brrrrr!!!! We'll just have to find a different way to spend that 30 minutes. Maybe a car ride or just going to the coffee shop and relaxing with a nice warm beverage.

These are ALL excellent ideas. Keep 'em coming!!! We need all the help we can get!

Thank you