The Hardened Heart - 12/27/08 01:11 PM
I have read here on MB lately a number of betrayed spouses.. men and women who find it difficult to fully forgive their XWS for the hurt and pain.... even where the XWS does seem to be trying to do what they can or at the least willing to do all they can to try and mitigate the hurt and pain they caused.
I for one cannot condemn such thoughts having caused the same sort of pain to my husband.
It is also very tough for a betrayed spouse or partner to not harden their hearts at this time of the year. Its a defence mechanism that a person who has been so hurt puts up. Its not unusual for this to occur and its also not very healthy for that person either. But perfectly understandable.
Many people feel that forgiveness is a gift.
It is a gift! BUT not only to the one you are forgiving.... but to yourself.
By forgiving the people who have hurt you in the past you set yourself free from the chains of resentment and other harmful emotions running rampant through your mind.... body and spirit. By forgiving you are empowering yourself by taking away the control the other person has over you. You will heal deep-rooted pain that perhaps you thought was gone a long time ago but has survived.... living under all of the resentment that you have held onto for so long. By forgiving you are one step closer to your journey of self-growth and healing.
But it's not easy is it.
Have you ever asked yourself & had these thoughts ........
"Why am I still so bitter?"
I see him/her making the effort but it seems so fake!
We have seen two/four/ten different counsellors.. with no avail.
They each told us that if we do not take responsibility for the problems and try to fix it that there is nothing that they can do.
QUESTION - Did I take the advice to heart and have I been working hard on our marriage and issues/ Have I?
Why should I when he/she cheated.
He/she only decided to make effort when I told him/her I was done and get OUT! This was not an idle threat.
He/she seems to be doing the right things toward change. How can I let him/her back in to my heart???
Can it get to the point where it really is a little too late for him/her to do the right thing now?
Do I love him/her and we have XXX children. He/she used to be my best friend. I miss him/her and we still live together.
God I want you to hurt like you hurt me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When we've been hurt like this ...the chain of thoughts that come into our minds is usually along the following lines - I've been hurt (that's true).... it shouldn't have happened (also true).... it was most unfair (true).... they don't even care about what they've done (can be true or not).... they deserve to be punished (true).... but I'm helpless to do anything about it (which often is the case).... therefore (and here comes the untruth) - we decide that to punish them ....
we won't forgive them.
It's this last one that does the long term damage.... it's a decision that is the beginning of a cancerous sore that grows and grows within our hearts. The only cure is forgiveness but this is so hard to do unless help is at hand. The help is knowledge & often counselling.
It's essential that as a BS you understand the difference between the following two quotes. The first one says ' I won't forgive' and the second one says 'I can't forgive'.... and there is a world of difference between the two.
The second one.... the one that says 'I can't forgive' is the beginning of a process within your hearts to remove the pain that is otherwise there 24 hours each day. You may not always be conscious of it but whenever you call to mind the betrayal... then the same pain always comes to the surface.... so you turn from it because .... it HURTS ... it is here that time and sometimes prayer can help allow the 'can't' to become 'can' over time along with positive actions by a remorseful spouse. And yes I agree it should not be easy for a XWS to be allowed back into the marriage as if nothing has happened... it should be a bit hard. If it was easy would I place as much value upon my marriage now? I'm not sure I would. But remember .. hard does not mean impossible or unreasonable. Its only sensible that a BS will take time and caution before allowing the XWS the opportunity to hurt them again. Because taking him or her back into your heart is doing just that.
The first one however comes from a decision that... as I've mentioned earlier.... binds us with a painful sore in our hearts that will not go away. I WON"T FORGIVE. This is a clear choice not to allow a XWS to seek forgiveness nor grant it if they do... its YOUR choice and frankly is not healthy for you. I'm NOT saying you need to accept the XWS back in the marriage or even be friends... but if the boil of pain is not lanced you will get sick.. soul sick. If you need to end the marriage then do so.. but forgive the WS even if they don't seek it.. its for your own sake.
The hardened heart ends up empty inside ... and its pretty lonely there by yourself. You deserve better than that. FORGIVE... because you won't forget... BUT will be able to place the betrayal where it no longer controls you or your emotions.
The things I notice
Are pretty strange
Like how you'll never
Look at me
Even though you
Scream my name
Still.... you never
Look at me
Do you love me?
"I love you"
Do you love me?
Why don't you look at me?
The thoughts I'm having
Are saddening
Like how I wanted you to
Hold me then
But no.... instead
You fell asleep
And now you won't
Hold me again
Do you love me?
"I think I might"
Do you love me?
"No.... it's just a 'like'"
The things I'm feeling
Are killing me
Like how when if
will you forgive me
The things that I'm done
Have destroyed me
Like how my soul
Isn't healing right
Do you love me?
"Not really.... no"
Do you love me?
"Who loves a hoe?"
The feelings I bleed
Are killing me
Like how the screams
Won't leave my throat
The things you're denying
Are hurting me
Like how you're saying
You don't know
Do you love me?
"I never have"
Do you love me?
"I never will"
The drugs I'm taking
Are helping me
So I don't try to
Kill myself again
The man I loved
Won't look at me
But I know I'll
Love him forever
Do you love me?
I for one cannot condemn such thoughts having caused the same sort of pain to my husband.
It is also very tough for a betrayed spouse or partner to not harden their hearts at this time of the year. Its a defence mechanism that a person who has been so hurt puts up. Its not unusual for this to occur and its also not very healthy for that person either. But perfectly understandable.
Many people feel that forgiveness is a gift.
It is a gift! BUT not only to the one you are forgiving.... but to yourself.
By forgiving the people who have hurt you in the past you set yourself free from the chains of resentment and other harmful emotions running rampant through your mind.... body and spirit. By forgiving you are empowering yourself by taking away the control the other person has over you. You will heal deep-rooted pain that perhaps you thought was gone a long time ago but has survived.... living under all of the resentment that you have held onto for so long. By forgiving you are one step closer to your journey of self-growth and healing.
But it's not easy is it.
Have you ever asked yourself & had these thoughts ........
"Why am I still so bitter?"
I see him/her making the effort but it seems so fake!
We have seen two/four/ten different counsellors.. with no avail.
They each told us that if we do not take responsibility for the problems and try to fix it that there is nothing that they can do.
QUESTION - Did I take the advice to heart and have I been working hard on our marriage and issues/ Have I?
Why should I when he/she cheated.
He/she only decided to make effort when I told him/her I was done and get OUT! This was not an idle threat.
He/she seems to be doing the right things toward change. How can I let him/her back in to my heart???
Can it get to the point where it really is a little too late for him/her to do the right thing now?
Do I love him/her and we have XXX children. He/she used to be my best friend. I miss him/her and we still live together.
God I want you to hurt like you hurt me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When we've been hurt like this ...the chain of thoughts that come into our minds is usually along the following lines - I've been hurt (that's true).... it shouldn't have happened (also true).... it was most unfair (true).... they don't even care about what they've done (can be true or not).... they deserve to be punished (true).... but I'm helpless to do anything about it (which often is the case).... therefore (and here comes the untruth) - we decide that to punish them ....
we won't forgive them.
It's this last one that does the long term damage.... it's a decision that is the beginning of a cancerous sore that grows and grows within our hearts. The only cure is forgiveness but this is so hard to do unless help is at hand. The help is knowledge & often counselling.
It's essential that as a BS you understand the difference between the following two quotes. The first one says ' I won't forgive' and the second one says 'I can't forgive'.... and there is a world of difference between the two.
The second one.... the one that says 'I can't forgive' is the beginning of a process within your hearts to remove the pain that is otherwise there 24 hours each day. You may not always be conscious of it but whenever you call to mind the betrayal... then the same pain always comes to the surface.... so you turn from it because .... it HURTS ... it is here that time and sometimes prayer can help allow the 'can't' to become 'can' over time along with positive actions by a remorseful spouse. And yes I agree it should not be easy for a XWS to be allowed back into the marriage as if nothing has happened... it should be a bit hard. If it was easy would I place as much value upon my marriage now? I'm not sure I would. But remember .. hard does not mean impossible or unreasonable. Its only sensible that a BS will take time and caution before allowing the XWS the opportunity to hurt them again. Because taking him or her back into your heart is doing just that.
The first one however comes from a decision that... as I've mentioned earlier.... binds us with a painful sore in our hearts that will not go away. I WON"T FORGIVE. This is a clear choice not to allow a XWS to seek forgiveness nor grant it if they do... its YOUR choice and frankly is not healthy for you. I'm NOT saying you need to accept the XWS back in the marriage or even be friends... but if the boil of pain is not lanced you will get sick.. soul sick. If you need to end the marriage then do so.. but forgive the WS even if they don't seek it.. its for your own sake.
The hardened heart ends up empty inside ... and its pretty lonely there by yourself. You deserve better than that. FORGIVE... because you won't forget... BUT will be able to place the betrayal where it no longer controls you or your emotions.
The things I notice
Are pretty strange
Like how you'll never
Look at me
Even though you
Scream my name
Still.... you never
Look at me
Do you love me?
"I love you"
Do you love me?
Why don't you look at me?
The thoughts I'm having
Are saddening
Like how I wanted you to
Hold me then
But no.... instead
You fell asleep
And now you won't
Hold me again
Do you love me?
"I think I might"
Do you love me?
"No.... it's just a 'like'"
The things I'm feeling
Are killing me
Like how when if
will you forgive me
The things that I'm done
Have destroyed me
Like how my soul
Isn't healing right
Do you love me?
"Not really.... no"
Do you love me?
"Who loves a hoe?"
The feelings I bleed
Are killing me
Like how the screams
Won't leave my throat
The things you're denying
Are hurting me
Like how you're saying
You don't know
Do you love me?
"I never have"
Do you love me?
"I never will"
The drugs I'm taking
Are helping me
So I don't try to
Kill myself again
The man I loved
Won't look at me
But I know I'll
Love him forever
Do you love me?