How to "affair proof"...military deployment - 01/13/09 07:10 AM
Hello there...
My husband and I have been married for 17 years and dated for 6 years before that. We were both virgins when we got married. My husband is in the military, which has meant lots of transitions, moving, and time apart. When we were married 3 years my husband had a "quickie" with a woman he worked with, it was fast, and there wasn't even kissing. There was no emotional connection, and I met the woman and she was very honest with me that she went out of her way to seduce my husband and wasn't even embarrassed or ashamed of it. It was like he was a number on her headboard. When she found out he had never been with another woman it was like there was a huge target on him and she did everything she could to get him to have sex with her. This happened when he was gone for 3 months to training. I found out about it, and although I was tremendously hurt, because it was devastating to have this happen, there was an odd sense of relief that he would now know what "else" was out there and that part kinda made me happy. I will be honest in that my reaction to this probably was not the normal one, but it was pretty easy to "get over" and move on from all things considered.
Fast forward 11 years to about 3 years ago...we were in the midst of being transferred and I had to take our three children to stay with my parents for several months while we got everything squared away. During my absence a woman he worked with told him that she had fallen madly in love with him. She began texting him non-stop and propositioning him. She came from a very broken home and she was into all sorts of bad things like drugs, drinking and everything. My husband did not outright reject her but rather thought he might be able to help her with all of her troubles (he tries to fix everyone...) Of course, I had no idea what was going on, and he was actually living at the unit "with" her (and all the other people at his unit if that makes sense)...
My husband is not a big drinker, but she did get him to go out with her and several of the other people from his unit and he got drunk and they ended up having sex twice. Then we moved, and they continued to talk on the phone (when he was at work) and texted, and emailed (to an account I didn't know about) for about 9 months before I found out about it.
When I found out about it, I did confront the girl. She was honest with me and said that she had begged him to leave me, that she wanted to marry him, and that he was the only person she could ever see herself loving. She said that when she would ask him to leave me and our children that he always told her that he would never do that, that he loved me too much. Eventually she told him to never mention me at all because it made her so angry. She told me after she realized that he was not going to leave me she hoped that she could be his mistress and he would support her (this is how her mother currently lived)...he of course refused, so then she just played a game basically with him. They did a lot of sexually explicit talking, and she sent him tons of pictures, which he did not return. While my husband had told me pretty much everything about it, when I surprised the girl with a confrontation, she confirmed everything he had said, and even things he hadn't...like the fact that he was very clear that he loved me, and yes, he did "love" her but that it wasn't like what he felt for me, and that he would NEVER give me up. I actually felt sorry for this girl in a lot of ways, and I was very honest with her in that I totally understood her love and affection for my husband...obviously I thought he was pretty incredible too...but that someone was out there who could love her the way she deserved to be loved, and she shouldn't settle to live life the way her Mom was.
I have forgiven my husband. I love him tremendously, and there is NO doubt in my mind AT all that he loves me the same. Our marriage is better today than I could have ever dreamed possible, and I have to say that it is in part because of the horror of that terrible affair...truly. I can not express the hurt and pain I have suffered from it, the feeling of being shattered into a million tiny shards that take tweezers to recover--but I am whole again, truly, and I am although not thankful for the affair, I am truly thankful for the results of the affair which is a far greater love and respect for each other and a more committed marriage than we had ever aspired to.
All that to say, my husband is being sent overseas in a few months for the service, and suddenly, despite my recovery and feelings, I am paralyzed with fear. He HAS been gone before for a month here and a month there...and I never had any issue with it to be honest--I just knew in my heart I did not have to worry...and right now he could not say or do anything better than he has to assure me that I have nothing to fear at all, he is a different person, and will not ever make that mistake again, and I know that but still...he will be gone for 6-12 months before he can come back for a visit, and I know there are women where he is going. (and no, seriously, the military doesn't stop this stuff, the entire environment is conductive to affairs, and at every unit we have served at there have been LOTS of them and marriages destroyed)
My real issue is that I can't help but think that despite him believing himself being strong enough, and yes, my having faith in him that he is strong enough, that he hasn't been approached by a woman since the affair. (I know this will sound crazy, but my husband is a woman magnet, besides being attractive, he is very personable, has a wonderful sense of humor, caring, thoughtful, and talks about me and our family with great affection all the time which according to this other girl was one of the big reasons she loved him, she desired to have that in her own life!)
My husband is absolute in his insistence that he is NOT the same man who made those mistakes and that he sees things through different eyes now. I do believe him. I truly do. That said, whether irrational or not, I have such compelling fears.
So all this to say,
1) how can my husband be so sure of his reaction to a woman coming onto him for either a full blown affair or a one nighter? I believe him, but I believed before? I know this to be a trust issue, and I *do* trust him which is why I do not understand my reaction to it now...he HAS been around hundreds of women and some of them HAVE come onto him and he has rejected them. Is this just because he is going so far away?
2) how can I "affair proof" my marriage when my husband will be in another country? Does anyone have any tips for how to handle this so that I don't go mad and I don't drive HIM mad when he is going to be working so hard?
3) how do I reconcile my forgiveness, love, and passion for this man with the fear I have that him being separated from me is the catalyst for the affairs? Each time it happened was when we were apart...is there some kind of unresolved issue I have not addressed that is causing this reaction?
I want to be whole and complete while this trial happens, I don't want to make this whole seperation MORE difficult because I can't get my head straight about this...I know that it is up to me to get my mind clear about this, but I don't know where to start...I hope that someone here might have some suggestions for me...
Thank you in advance!
Sim
My husband and I have been married for 17 years and dated for 6 years before that. We were both virgins when we got married. My husband is in the military, which has meant lots of transitions, moving, and time apart. When we were married 3 years my husband had a "quickie" with a woman he worked with, it was fast, and there wasn't even kissing. There was no emotional connection, and I met the woman and she was very honest with me that she went out of her way to seduce my husband and wasn't even embarrassed or ashamed of it. It was like he was a number on her headboard. When she found out he had never been with another woman it was like there was a huge target on him and she did everything she could to get him to have sex with her. This happened when he was gone for 3 months to training. I found out about it, and although I was tremendously hurt, because it was devastating to have this happen, there was an odd sense of relief that he would now know what "else" was out there and that part kinda made me happy. I will be honest in that my reaction to this probably was not the normal one, but it was pretty easy to "get over" and move on from all things considered.
Fast forward 11 years to about 3 years ago...we were in the midst of being transferred and I had to take our three children to stay with my parents for several months while we got everything squared away. During my absence a woman he worked with told him that she had fallen madly in love with him. She began texting him non-stop and propositioning him. She came from a very broken home and she was into all sorts of bad things like drugs, drinking and everything. My husband did not outright reject her but rather thought he might be able to help her with all of her troubles (he tries to fix everyone...) Of course, I had no idea what was going on, and he was actually living at the unit "with" her (and all the other people at his unit if that makes sense)...
My husband is not a big drinker, but she did get him to go out with her and several of the other people from his unit and he got drunk and they ended up having sex twice. Then we moved, and they continued to talk on the phone (when he was at work) and texted, and emailed (to an account I didn't know about) for about 9 months before I found out about it.
When I found out about it, I did confront the girl. She was honest with me and said that she had begged him to leave me, that she wanted to marry him, and that he was the only person she could ever see herself loving. She said that when she would ask him to leave me and our children that he always told her that he would never do that, that he loved me too much. Eventually she told him to never mention me at all because it made her so angry. She told me after she realized that he was not going to leave me she hoped that she could be his mistress and he would support her (this is how her mother currently lived)...he of course refused, so then she just played a game basically with him. They did a lot of sexually explicit talking, and she sent him tons of pictures, which he did not return. While my husband had told me pretty much everything about it, when I surprised the girl with a confrontation, she confirmed everything he had said, and even things he hadn't...like the fact that he was very clear that he loved me, and yes, he did "love" her but that it wasn't like what he felt for me, and that he would NEVER give me up. I actually felt sorry for this girl in a lot of ways, and I was very honest with her in that I totally understood her love and affection for my husband...obviously I thought he was pretty incredible too...but that someone was out there who could love her the way she deserved to be loved, and she shouldn't settle to live life the way her Mom was.
I have forgiven my husband. I love him tremendously, and there is NO doubt in my mind AT all that he loves me the same. Our marriage is better today than I could have ever dreamed possible, and I have to say that it is in part because of the horror of that terrible affair...truly. I can not express the hurt and pain I have suffered from it, the feeling of being shattered into a million tiny shards that take tweezers to recover--but I am whole again, truly, and I am although not thankful for the affair, I am truly thankful for the results of the affair which is a far greater love and respect for each other and a more committed marriage than we had ever aspired to.
All that to say, my husband is being sent overseas in a few months for the service, and suddenly, despite my recovery and feelings, I am paralyzed with fear. He HAS been gone before for a month here and a month there...and I never had any issue with it to be honest--I just knew in my heart I did not have to worry...and right now he could not say or do anything better than he has to assure me that I have nothing to fear at all, he is a different person, and will not ever make that mistake again, and I know that but still...he will be gone for 6-12 months before he can come back for a visit, and I know there are women where he is going. (and no, seriously, the military doesn't stop this stuff, the entire environment is conductive to affairs, and at every unit we have served at there have been LOTS of them and marriages destroyed)
My real issue is that I can't help but think that despite him believing himself being strong enough, and yes, my having faith in him that he is strong enough, that he hasn't been approached by a woman since the affair. (I know this will sound crazy, but my husband is a woman magnet, besides being attractive, he is very personable, has a wonderful sense of humor, caring, thoughtful, and talks about me and our family with great affection all the time which according to this other girl was one of the big reasons she loved him, she desired to have that in her own life!)
My husband is absolute in his insistence that he is NOT the same man who made those mistakes and that he sees things through different eyes now. I do believe him. I truly do. That said, whether irrational or not, I have such compelling fears.
So all this to say,
1) how can my husband be so sure of his reaction to a woman coming onto him for either a full blown affair or a one nighter? I believe him, but I believed before? I know this to be a trust issue, and I *do* trust him which is why I do not understand my reaction to it now...he HAS been around hundreds of women and some of them HAVE come onto him and he has rejected them. Is this just because he is going so far away?
2) how can I "affair proof" my marriage when my husband will be in another country? Does anyone have any tips for how to handle this so that I don't go mad and I don't drive HIM mad when he is going to be working so hard?
3) how do I reconcile my forgiveness, love, and passion for this man with the fear I have that him being separated from me is the catalyst for the affairs? Each time it happened was when we were apart...is there some kind of unresolved issue I have not addressed that is causing this reaction?
I want to be whole and complete while this trial happens, I don't want to make this whole seperation MORE difficult because I can't get my head straight about this...I know that it is up to me to get my mind clear about this, but I don't know where to start...I hope that someone here might have some suggestions for me...
Thank you in advance!
Sim