My husband and I have been seperated for 5 months. 3 days after he left I found out he was seeing a 19 yr old from his work(hes 29). I was devestated nevertheless but after about 2 months he comes to me and says he wants to come home. So we have been talking more and spending more time together. The problem is this...he says he`s involved with this girl and she cuts herself therefore he must be gentle in ending the relationship. We have 3 children together and have been married almost 9 yrs. I am trying to be patient and have many times talked to him about the pain I am going through just so he can let her down gently. So far its been 6 weeks and he says he`s becoming more and more distant and it will eventually fall apart. I feel like its never gonna end!Sometimes I feel like I can`t do this one more day and other times I feel like this is my marriage and it`s gonna be worth it!Please give me some advice...ANYONE!

Betty - first suggestion is that you notify a moderator (click the notify button on your post) and ask them to move your thread to the General Questions II forum which is more active and you will get a lot more advice.

Second, he is cake eating and you should be considering going to Plan B.

IF this girl is a danger to herself he should report her threats about self harm to the Police.

Just keep in mind you are only hearing his side of the story. If it is really true about her cutting herself then you should make your WH call a professional to help her or even take the initiative on your own otherwise you will have this constant drama in your life. Your WH can not help her - he has probably caused more harm then good to her.

Betty --

Its extremely likely that your husband is lying to you.(about the cutting)

I don't doubt that he wants you and wants to come home.
However he wants to do that and still have a girlfriend.

Have you read the articles and strategies here?

I suggest a rapid Plan A. A couple weeks of trying to meet all of his emotional needs. The way you did when the two of you first fell in love. What needs do you think his girlfriend is meeting?

Then the contrast of Plan B. He gets NONE of you. He has to understand that having both a wife and a girlfriend is not a way of life, and if he doesn't get his act together QUICKLY only the girlfriend will be an option...

Welcome to MB.

Your H's affair with the OW (other woman) is doing her more harm than good:

Even though it is possible that a self-inflicted injury may result in death, self-injury is usually not suicidal behavior. The person who self-injures may not recognize the connection, but this act usually occurs after an overwhelming or distressing experience and is a result of not having learned how to identify or express difficult feelings in a healthy way. Sometimes the person who deliberately harms themselves thinks that if they feel the pain on the outside instead of feeling it on the inside, the injuries will be seen, which then perhaps gives them a fighting chance to heal. They may also believe that the wounds, which are now physical evidence, proves their emotional pain is real. Although the physical pain they experience may be the catalyst that releases the emotional pain, the relief they feel is temporary. These coping mechanisms in essence are faulty because the pain eventually returns without any permanent healing taking place.
Source: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm

Do you know who the OW is? You need to expose this affair. Exposure is the betrayed spouse's single most effective tool for ending the affair. It usually doesn't end the affair immediately (though sometimes it does), but it will definitely put cracks into the veneer of the affair.

To properly expose the affair, DO NOT tell your WH (wayward husband) that you are going to expose. This is very important, because you don't him to have time to run to friends and family telling them that you're paranoid and making crazy accusations. If he has time to do this, you wont' be taken seriously when you do expose.

Make a list of everyone who has a strong influence on your WH, OW, and your marriage. This list will usually include WH's parents, your parents, OW's parents, OW's spouse or boyfriend, the CEO and HR manager if they work together, pastors or preachers, close friends, and your children. Go down the list and call them, visit them, or email them. Tell them "WH is having an affair with OW. I'm dedicated to repairing our relationship and having an even better M than before. I'd really appreciate your support of WH, our M, and me during these difficult times." If it's someone you respect, such as your parents or WH's parents, ask for their advice.

Then read up on Love Busters (LBs) and eliminate them completely from your behavior repertoire.
Read about Emotional Needs (ENs); figure out what your WH's top ENs are and meet them to the very best of your ability.

Keep posting here. The more information you share the more responses you'll get and the more effective the advice will be.

Betty, your H is trying to have his cake and eat it too and is manipulating you. He is having an affair because HE WANTS TO, not because he fears for the well being of his mistress. :RollieEyes: That is ridiculous. How in the world would be in her best interest to have an affair with a married man? That is just ludicrous.

My suggestion would be to go pay a visit to the OW's PARENTS house TODAY and tell them the situation so they can help their daughter. If their DD is that unstable, then scr@wing a married man certainly does not help the situation.

Here's what happens when you don't expose properly and completely, or when you let the waynerd know you're going to expose:

"Also, I told WW I sent an email to her parents that didn't tell them she was having an affair but expressed a major crossroads in our relationship. WW picked up the phone and called her mom to say don't talk to me, I'm psycho, I'm trying to tell people that she's having an affair."

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2193514#Post2193514

I have exposed the affair! His family simply says well you all are seperated so.....I have talked to the other woman well kid and confronted her about my husband wanting to come home and about her cutting issues....she did admit that it was true but refused to believe my husband had ANYTHING else to do with me! I have been trying desperately to meet all his emotional needs and trying not to force him to cut ties with her cuz I know its simply better if he ends this himself! I have thought seriously about plan B but I am so terrified he simply won`t end it period and this will truly be the end which in turn I know if thats the case it wouldn`t work anyway.I have asked him outright why he won`t just tell her he wants to come home and he replied that he has to do this slowly for her well-being and the sake of his job(she has had several outbursts at his work). Thats another thing they will be working in the same store not directly together but several days a week they will see each other from time to time. He will not change jobs(he has worked his way up very high) but still I know I will have issues. Is there really any saving this marriage??????? Also her parents know he`s still married and hes been to their house repeatedly so there`s gonna be no help from them. Plus he is her dad`s boss! I need HELP........PLEASE!!!!

You obviously have not read the articles here about what to do to STOP an affair. What you did was NOT exposure. Exposure is going to the management of the company they work for and telling them that their employees are having an A and are disrupting work because of it. If he gets fired, it's his own fault. Most likely, it will be her that is fired.

Exposure means telling their work; your husband's parents and brothers and sisters (the TRUTH! that he started scr&wing this little girl while he was still at home with you, tried it out for awhile, and decided he wants to have BOTH of you); his best friends; your pastor if applicable. It means telling the little girl's parents and brothers and sisters that he is still married, wants to come home, and is being manipulated by their little girl to stay with her, while he has a wife and kids at home. It doesn't matter if they side with her. What matters is that you bring this sleazy affair out in the open so everyone who matters to the two of them are fully aware of what they are doing.

Quit making excuses and start dialing. Otherwise, you will NEVER get your old husband back.

I took the advice and contacted Walmart about the affair and they said nothing could be done because he is not on salary!!! Therefore I am back to square 1. Any other ideas???
Thanks!

ok, did you go to her parents house and expose the affair?

I have NO CLUE were they live or even how to find out! When I called this girl at work to tell her about my husband wanting to come home her mother threatened me with a restraining order when I did nothing more than try to tell her what he`s telling me! They already think I am a desperate wife who will stop at nothing to get her husband back so I do not see how they will be of ANY help! Plus I have no clue what he`s told them either so..........I am SURE they would simply refuse to talk to me or call the cops!

Have you spoken to her mother? Have you tried to find their address? it shouldn't be that hard.

This is a typical manipulation tool used by OW to try to hold onto an affair partner. OW in our sitch used suicide.

And I agree that your H is just cake-eating. Re-expose however you can and if you can't (or it doesn't do any good), go to Plan B. Then your H can be stuck with the "cutter". That should clear his fog pretty quickly...it did for my H.

Who wants to be stuck with someone that depressed and desperate? Not many people...

P.S. your husband's excuse sucks rocks...if he was that worried about it, the police or a suicide prevention hotline would be much better suited to handle a "cutter" than a married man who is banging a 19-year-old.

Yes. You find the name and address for the person in charge of Walmart for your whole city; you find the name/address for the person in charge of your region; and you find the name/address for the Human Resources head for Walmart, and you send certified letters (that they have to sign for) to all three of them and let them know you are looking at hiring an attorney to see what can be done about Walmart allowing it to go in inside their stores. They'll do something.

In all reality here, doesn`t it all come down to him realizing he wants to come home bad enough to end all this himself(which he continually tells me he does and wants his old life back so bad) and there`s not a doubt in his mind that I am what he wants NOT her. He says he just has to do this slowly and that he`s already barely talking to her and not even seeing her outside of work. Will this ever really work if he continues to work there? And basically I just have to either choose to put up with this or walk away? I love this man so much but I am so emotionally drained. I`m not sure how much longer I can continue!!! I am severely depressed as it is and have to keep my household running smoothly with 3 small boys! I feel like I am losing it! I really appreciate everyone`s responses and look so forward to reading more! I feel so ALONE!

He cannot work with OW or have any contact of any kind with her.

He is cake-eating Betty.

So do I basically walk away and cut off all contact??? Honestly this will kill me! Any advice how to get through this...if this is what I MUST do?????

Well what you are currently doing is not working.

What you are currently doing is driving yourself INSANE. This is why Dr Harley recommends only a short Plan A for women - a few weeks - and you have been trying for 5 months.

Yes I think you should be planning for Plan B.

You have to decide hubby cannot have both you and a girlfriend. Certainly your marriage will not/can not recover if he has contact with this girl.

No, NEVER. He is going to HAVE to quit his job.


No. You CAN limit yourself to these two options, but it is not your only two.

If you listen to everyone here and follow the PLANS we will help you with, you CAN put your M back together. Read up on Plan A and Plan B...do the best d*mn Plan A you can while you prepare for Plan B. Do NOT tell your H what Plan B is.



I know and I am so sorry...I have been there. You really do feel like you are having a nervous breakdown, don't you? I know that I did...it was one of the worst experiences I have ever been through.

That is why you need Plan B...to avoid falling deeper into that black hole.

Please start reading up on these two plans...then keep posting and let us know how it's going and we can help you with the next step.

Ok I think I am near my ending of Plan A!!! Although I have been making things a bit rough by constant questioning here and there. Should I retry my Plan A with a new approach or simply resort to Plan B? Thank you all SO MUCH! I am feeling so much better just hearing from everyone And another thing...how do I possibly prepare for Plan B?

Go back to Plan A for now (short term)...no questioning about the A, meet his ENs (whatever you think they are....Admiration is usually high for men...). Try not to bring up any relationship talk.

To prep for Plan B.. You need to find an intermediary so that there is NO contact between you and WH; get your financial sitch figured out; start figuring out child visitation.

You will want NO, ZERO, ZILCH, contact with WH during this time...hence figuring out all of this stuff beforehand, and then using the intermediary for anything that comes up (financial or child visitation stuff only).

It's not your problem where WH goes when you start Plan B...he will need to find a place to live. My H lived with his parents, but that wasn't my problem...he had to figure that out on his own.

You are not separated. He has abandoned you. It's quite different. Expose to his family again. Explain that WH is having an A with OW, that he has abandoned you, that you want to work on the marriage and make it better than ever. Separated people don't say things like "I want to make my marriage better than ever".

Just because they know doesn't mean there has been a proper exposure. It would seem like it all boils down to the same thing, but it matters very much that they hear FROM YOU that you are still committed to the marriage and that he has abandoned you for an adulterous affair with OW.

You're 100% correct. You cannot force another person to do anything. All you can do is work on making the marriage an attractive place to be. Meet ENs like you've been doing and be sure to avoid LBs too. One LB can open up a big hole that drains the old love bank dry.

He's making excuses. He likes having you and a bit on the side. For now, just drop all the relationship talk with him. You can't reason with a person that's in an affair and if you try to reason with them or educate them, it just makes them angry and pushes them away. They feel controlled and manipulated. For now focus on making the marriage the most attractive alternative.

Be sure you're not needy or clingy, as that feels suffocating to him. Meet his ENs, avoid LBs, and be active and involved in things you enjoy. Be an interesting, fun person. Have a life.

You're making assumptions. They may have been told that your WH is divorced. Or that you left him. Who knows? They need to hear FROM YOU that he has abandoned you but you are still very much interested in reconciliation and repairing the marriage.

And yes, one of them will have to quit their jobs and there must be NC for life. But that's not a bridge you have to cross now. Right now you need to expose.

He is suppose to be coming for a visit after work tonight....I will let you all know how that goes And I know you all are saying to not bring up any relationship talk to him but what about the reassurance that I need? And how long before I resort to Plan B?

Ok he didn`t make the visit due to bad weather but we talked for a bit on the phone and I did fall apart on the phone! I am losing my mind! I feel so out of control and am finding it hard to do anything but cry! I don`t know how to get myself back or at least to a medium where I can be able to function! I am developing such strong feelings of resentment towards him and wondering why I am even putting myself through this if he can`t even drop her! I don`t know what to do next or how I will even get through tomorrow. I don`t have any real friends and I am feeling so hopeless and lonely. I am on antidepressants and have been for about 4 years due to panic attacks. Did I mention this is the 3rd time he`s had a fling with a girl from work? This was the 1st time were I feel I helped create the unhappy environment. Anyway, he has transferred stores twice due to affairs with 2 other women. I am simply falling apart........can I really save this? The 1st affair was only emotional and the 2nd was not emotional only physical and now the 3rd is both emotional & physical! I did talk with him about transferring again and he agreed that he would do that. That after this ends he will do everything in his power to make me feel secure. But what do I do til then??????????I just wanna SCREAM!!!!!

Ok, has he agreed to have No Contact with this girl for the rest of his life? You're confusing me. If not, go ahead and expose to the company like I told you to - and include this sentence above!

Betty, I would call and make an appointment with Steve Harley. I didn't realize that this was his third affair and that he has already changed jobs due to affairs.

Your H has some serious boundary issues...it sounds like you do as well. Did you do any recovering or discussing or ANYTHING after his first 2 affairs???

Here is what I suggest:

~order and read the book "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend. You can get it used on Amazon for cheap.

~click on the link at the top of this page that says Coaching Center and call TODAY and set up an appt. with Steve Harley.

Keep Plan A'ing but DO NOT beg or plead with him to end the A and come home. Waywards do not like that and it doesn't do any good anyways.

You need to act quickly because you are starting to lose it, and rightly so. It's maddening when I see spouses do this to each other...the one person they vowed to promise and protect.

(((hugs)))

Ok, he said once he ended this with the girl he would have no problem transferring once again and have NO CONTACT with her! What I meant before was that he had two previous affairs which I did have therapy over and we worked through which resulted in him transferring jobs. As for exposing to the company I have contacted the store manager and the home office which both pretty much laughed at me and said there were no violations being violated and they could not control infidelity! My husband said once he got out of this he would NEVER EVER go down this road again.And that this was the absolute hardest thing he`s ever been through. I feel he is sincere but I am overwhelmed! As for meeting Dr.Harley....were is he located and I don`t have much money!I do feel like my husband is trying his best to spend more time with me and less with her, when he`s not working he either here or calling me so theres really no time for the OW. I am not defending him I just am feeling a bit more optimistic.

Have you read the information here about the steps you should take? They include you having access to all his passwords, including his cell phone, so you can check every day to see who he talks to - and deletions have to be explainable. They include him telling you where he is at all times of the day and with whom. They include him writing a No Contact letter that YOU verify and send yourself. They include therapy for him to find out why he feels he has the right to stray. And they include your therapy to learn why you have no boundaries concerning him.

Is he willing to do all that?

Betty,

Are you kidding me? He has had 3 affairs already and you believe he is sincere and you are optimistic? As was already stated, your H has serious boundary issues and so do you. There will always be pretty young things working at Walmart so if he transfers to another location you will be right back in a world of hurt sooner or later. Unless, this time you do things differently. Buy the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley and read it cover to cover. Get couseling with the Harleys. Your H needs to understand that he is not putting EP's (extreme precautions) into place to protect you and the marriage. You also need to read everything you can on this site and become familiar with the LB (love bank) concept. Based on your posts yours is running low so Plan B is in order relatively soon.

Now, start reading! Become a sponge! Read other posts! Knowledge is power and you need it and a good plan desperately right now.

Mindshare

Ok, I really feel like I need to transition into plan B now, if only for the sake of my sanity! Do I tell him what I am doing or do I just withdraw myself without explanation? I am so scared
I am so afraid he`ll take this as an easy way out and I know if he does I am better off! I just need support!

Betty,

I know you feel like you got hit by a 2x4 after my last post but it's time for you to get some self respect and dignity. WH has had three A's already!!

Plan B is not a game. If it is not executed properly it could cause more harm then good. Plan B is about withdrawing from the situation completely to protect the remaining love you have in your LB for H. In order to start Plan B you need to prepare in advance. You need to figure out how the children will be handled. You will need to find a IM to handle all communications between you and WH. Have you read up on Plan B on this site? Once you have figured out all of the logistical things then you will need to write a Plan B letter to WH that will outline why you will no longer be communicating directly with him and what your conditions are to return to the M and work on recovery. There are others that have much more experience with the Plan B letter and will hopefully come along soon and post some examples or links to examples for you.

It sounds like the timing may be right for Plan B but you need to get your ducks lined up first. While you are planning for Plan B you should be executing your best Plan A so WH will get one last glimpse at what he will be missing when you go dark.

You can do this. Time to be strong and get back your self-respect and dignity. Nobody deserves to be with a serial cheater. Demand more for both you and even more importantly for your children. Keep posting here and ask for help/advice. There are so many amazing people here that have been where you are and can help you. Learn from their wisdom!!!

Mindshare

Betty,

slow down for just a sec, ok? Breathe... deep breathe... ok, one more...

Ok. Maybe it is time to go to Plan B. You have the final say in that. BUT... wait just a sec... you want to do it the RIGHT WAY. Going into Plan B willy-nilly, and going back and forth, is worse than no plan at all.

Have you read about Plan A and B? Have you done the best Plan A you can muster? Will you be leaving him with a good memory of your Plan A? Did you show him that you can eliminate all LBs and that you can meet his ENs better than the OW?

Do you have an IM lined up? Have you written your PBL, and posted it here for comments? Have you planned out your final PA evening and how to give him the PBL?

Ok I have tried and tried Plan A til I am exhausted emotionally and getting little in return. Over this weekend with their dad I found out they all paid her a visit at work and she sent my kids some cookies and brownies. Also she is planning on buying one of my sons a wallet!!!!!!! I have spent the past few days doing nothing but crying and feeling helpless! I have someone who can handle our affairs with the children and all of that! I feel so weak and I simply can not continue this way anymore! This is a NIGHTMARE! I need HELP!!!!!!!!!
I know through all this I have lost my self worth and dignity and I have no clue how to even begin to ragain it!!!

Plan B will help you begin to get your feet back under you, and to redefine yourself as someone other than a BS who is getting jerked around. Plan B is about taking care of yourself and about protecting yourself from the emotional damage and disrespect of the A. It is intended to help you protect the remaining love you have for your WH...but for my money it is an absolutely necessary step to save your own sanity if the marriage hasn't been recovered in Plan A. All BS's - especially those that do a really good Plan A - have GOT to get away from all of the insanity in order to begin recovering and clear their own heads of all the fog.

Who is your intermediary? Does that person understand that their role is simply to relay questions to you IF they seem important/realistic (in other words, they are not just about jerking you around). The intermediary needs to be able to "censor" input from the WS and relay to you "just the facts". They sometimes have to be strong because some WS's will try to run around them or try to run over them.

Are your finances set up such that you will not need to contact WS once you go into Plan B?

Have you thought about your Plan B letter? Would it be helpful to you to see some examples (or have you already)?

Take the time to figure out how you will live your life, day by day, with absolutely no direct contact with your WS. That can help you "chase out" anything you haven't thought of.

Then, when you are ready, hand him the PBL and go dark.

BTW - you don't have to have the answers to all of this tonight...these are just meant as pointers to what you will need to do to put an effective Plan B in place that you are able to maintain over time.

It is amazing what happens when you have been free of all the craziness for a couple of weeks. You will feel sad and lonely sometimes but you will also begin to realize that you're no longer on the merry-go-round and that, BY ITSELF, will help you to regain your dignity.

Your self worth hasn't changed. You're still worthy. Your self-esteem has taken hits - because we all look to our spouses to see our reflection there, and hope that it will be a loving and positive reflection. When the WS is having an A and what we get back is disrespect and insensitivity, it takes us a while to build back up our self-esteem - we have to find new ways to do that. But that, itself, is a valuable endeavor, because we learn to give this to OURSELVES.

Slow down, take the time to write out what you will need to do in order to go into a steady-state Plan B. Also, if you haven't yet, read all the material available on this site (from Dr. Harley) about Plan A/B and what to do to set up a successful Plan B.

Then find something good to do for yourself tonight -- take a long bath with a glass of wine - do whatever is special and "pampering" for you.

We're here for you.

- M

Betty - another thought. I don't know if it helps you to read what others have written on things like self-esteem - for me, it depends entirely on the piece. I find that I return to this one again and again and find something different in it each time. I offer it with that thought it mind.

- M




I accept myself completely.

I accept my strengths and my weaknesses,
my gifts and my shortcomings,
my good points and my faults.

I accept myself completely as a human being.

I accept that I am here to learn and grow,
and I accept that I am learning and growing.

I accept the personality I've developed,
and I accept my power to heal and change.

I accept myself without condition or reservation.

I accept that the core of my being is goodness
and that my essence is love,
and I accept that I sometimes forget that.

I accept myself completely, and in this acceptance
I find an ever-deepening inner strength.

From this place of strength, I accept my life fully
and I am open to the lessons it offers me today.

I accept that within my mind are both fear and love,
and I accept my power to choose
which I will experience as real.

I recognize that I experience only the results
of my own choices.

I accept the times that I choose fear
as part of my learning and healing process,
and I accept that I have the potential and power
in any moment to choose love instead.

I accept mistakes as a part of growth,
so I am always willing to forgive myself
and give myself another chance.

I accept that my life is the expression of my thought,
and I commit myself to aligning my thoughts
more and more each day with the Thought of Love.

I accept that I am an expression of this Love.

Love's hands and voice and heart on earth.

I accept my own life as a blessing and a gift.

My heart is open to receive, and I am deeply grateful.

May I always share the gifts that I receive
fully, freely, and with joy.

~~ Author Unknown ~~

Thank you so much for that! I need that pounded in my head! I have written my Plan B letter and am preparing myself to take control back over my life! I am realizing that he doesn`t own this and all the decisions are not his to make. I also realize that I have put my all in saving my marriage and if he walks away from that then I MUST accept it and move on!

And if he walks away, he's even stupider than you thought!

If he walks away, you can thank him for being your lessons learned and teaching you how to pick a BETTER husband next time!

WS's can be so stupid...

You need to read the information on this site first! Plan A and Plan B only work if the guidelines are followed.

Doing a half A$$ed plan B makes things worse.

There are quite a few plan b letters posted on this site.
If you post yours, I'm sure people here will help you edit this before you send it.

For right now:
Follow plan A.

Read about plan B. Do it once, do it right.
Do you have your financials in order?
Do you have a IM?
Does that person understand what the job is?

Read the stitch by T2L (trying 2 live) she has recently gone thru what you are beginning to. It shows the real face of plan A and plan b

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry you are here (the club no one wanted to join) -but I know you are in the best place you can be now.

YES!!!!!

If you have your PBL then post it here. Almost everyone's first attempt at a PBL is too full of DJs.

I still don't get the impression you've read that much here. I get that you are upset and barely hanging in there, and it's hard to think clearly. But you REALLY REALLY need to do this right if you're gonna do it.

Plan A *means* you don't get anything in return. You shouldn't have gone into Plan A thinking you would be getting anything in return. It's HARD. Most ppl think Plan A hurts like heck, and hurts worse than Plan B. Warning though - for some ppl Plan B hurts even worse than Plan A.

• Tell us what things you've done for your Plan A. What LBs have you found that you commit, and how have you gotten rid of them? What are his most important ENs and how are you meeting them?
• Post your Plan B letter here so we can help edit it.
• Tell us how you plan to give it to him.

Just wanted to let you all know that the store followed through on one of the complaints . He was taken to the office and will be either demoted or fired! Now my problem is he is looking to me over the complaints, although I have denied it, he is furious cause he truly believes I reported them. He said the incident reported he had only told me and no one else knew. Now I feel like I have just pushed myself backwards with him What do i do now????

You look him right in the face, and you say "Anything you're experiencing is a result of what YOU did." Then turn around and walk away. Every single time he brings it up, you repeat "Anything you're experiencing is a result of what YOU did."

Got it?

Yikes! Why lie? It won't make your marriage stronger. I'm sure many of us have felt the desperation you have been feeling, but please think about it... you want him to be honest to you, you need to be honest with him.

Agreed!

PLEASE keep in mind that HE is the one who had affairs, not YOU! Stay mad! Stay indignant! If he has the nerve to accuse you, just calmly repeat 'anything that happens is because of what YOU did.' Nothing else.

I completely agree with telling the truth...if you want to try to build a M based on HONESTY, then this is a good place to start.

Ok I have always been completely open and honest with my husband but this is one time I am firm about not telling him ...I filed the complaint. I simply will not. He takes pride in his job and to know I am the one who brought it to the store`s attention, he would absolutely flip and run in the other direction. I understand everyone`s point about honesty but I can`t and won`t tell him! You all convinced me to go forward and push the complaints but no one mentioned I should state my name by them!

Nothing is changing and I am so exhausted. I have left him with nothing but wonderful talks and very intimate nights. I am going crazy. He says he wants more than anything to be home but now I think it`s his turn to prove some things ! I feel I have done all I can do and I have done ENOUGH!

What's going on?

He is still saying he wants to come home but that this thing with her has to end slowly....especially since he`s being reviewed by the company and he can`t have any more upsets at work! I am tired and just want it to end! My heart is breaking and I can`t take anymore! I simply don`t know what else to do. I have left great moments with him over the past week or two and given him so much compassion and understanding.....he has got to do his part or I am DONE!

Hold on just a bit more, don't LB before you get a chance to prepare for Plan B.

If you are losing your love for him in Plan A, then you need to go to Plan B. But not without preparation! You need to pick an intermediary and write a great PBL and plan a stellar last date together.

I see that you say you've written a PBL but I don't see that you've posted it here. Most folks post theirs here to get input.

It might help if you posted more details too, of what you're doing as your Plan A.

Toll free 1-800-966-6546.

Wal-Mart Stores Inc.
702 SW Eighth Street
Bentonville, AR 72716
Phone: 479-273-4000
Fax: 479-273-4053

Walmart Corporate website

If they won't do anything, threaten to go to the media about it. Walmart does not like adverse media coverage. (my BIL is a VP will Walmart out of the Bentonville, AR corporate ofc)

I contacted home office and they are both being reviewed. He will either be denoted or fired! He blames me for bringing it to their attention. As for what I have done for him...I invite him up for late night dinners and we have had some really nice evenings together. I assure him of my love for him and how we can work through this and how I realize my shortcomings in our marriage. I am exhausted now and am becoming extremely angry with his continued actions and how he won`t end things with OW. Actually I am FURIOUS! I am beginning to think I don`t even want this marriage anymore myself!

That Plan B letter is not quite right. It should say that to preserve your love for him, you will have no contact with him until the affair is ended.

But why not wait and see what happens with their jobs?

Betty, you are not listening. In Plan A, there should be NO relationship talk. You can't "sweet talk" him into anything. Plan A is about making YOU a better person, being a desirable warm person, a lighthouse for him. NO RELATIONSHIP TALK.

Plan B is not a "tool" or a "trick" to get him back. It is not a demand or an ultimatum. It is for YOU to remove yourself from the craziness. It should be a love letter of sorts clearly showing him the way home. It should let him know that you will have no further contact with him except through an intermediary and then ONLY for matters concerning the children or finances.

You need to slow down sweetie. Take this one step at a time.

Who are your intermediaries? How will you handle finances? What about visitation with the kids? Do you have all this settled? You can't jump back in forth in Plan B or you'll just be spinning your wheels.

Slow down??? I feel like I am dragging here....so to slow down? I have no one to contact for our children visits who would remain neutral so I will have to talk with him directly about that. As for my letter....it was simply a draft. And I never looked at Plan A or B as a trick to get him home! I want to make our marriage better than ever but he refuses to give OW up! So why shouldn`t I simply give up period? I have been his lighthouse so many times and offered myself as one now....but now I am about ready to say piss on it all! Relationship talk was not in my Plan A....we spent time together and had dinners and maybe we will have one or 2 more dates.... but I am at the end of my rope and I am so angry! I don`t know how to direct my anger... so its not pointed at him and pushes him further away! Anymore advice???? :MrEEk:

Good luck to you.

Because a half-a$$ed Plan A/Plan B is worse than none at all. I'm saying slow down because you don't have it right yet.


Yes, so, you aren't ready. Slow down.


Exactly. That's why to post it - because it's a draft and you want input. Or not.

If it's perfect then you don't need to post it, we don't need it for our uses. I don't need a PBL. If you want help, then post it.

I guess you must have deleted it, but it looks like you had it up there at one time.


ITA. And so does Dr. Harley. And PM. And just about everyone here. MB is NOT about tricks.


That's what PA and PB are for.


Sure, you can. No skin off my nose. Why are you here?


Um, is that sarcasm or do you really want advice?

Thanks Jayne for saying the things I was thinking. Frustrating day, don't have much patience myself.