No I am not in this position, (and hope I never am) but am curious what to do if I do find myself in this situation.

Let’s say a couple is in recovery, but the BS gets the feeling that NC has been broken. He snoops and finds out sure enough, NC has been broken and the WS is seeing the OP on a regular or semi-regular basis (the amount of contact should not matter, NC is NC)

There is a point at which I would imagine that a BS feels that they have had all they can take. They may still want to recover there marriage, but are unwilling or unable to continue with/return to, plan-A. And know that any continued attempts at plan-A will fail miserably as long as the affair continues.

What does the B.S. do then?

The only thing I can think of is to address the break of NC with the WS and ask them to either stop contact with the OP, or leave the marital home. (So that the BS can institute plan-B)

I would assume that this does NOT classify as a Selfish Demand, is that correct?

Also, for a BS still trying to save his marriage, is this the best plan of action, or is there a better idea.

"Spouse, I know you have been in contact with OP. What are your plans?"

I'd recommend a non emotional declaration of fact and a probing question.

Then keep your ears and eyes open and your mouth closed.

In other words, let the guilty reveal their plans before you do anything else.

Then excuse yourself for "time to think".

You reveal nothing until you've had time to think.

By the way, "I don't know" is not an answer. Keep asking until the IDK is replaced by a morsel of truth.

How long has BS been in plan A? Has there been exposure?

I'd say it's a boundary.
I cannot live with Contact.
If you choose to contact OP I will remove myself from the relationship, in order to protect myself from the pain.


I like Pep's idea. It is not unheard of for WS to backslide and renew contact. It would be best if the WS had to do some sould searching and figure out what their intentions really are, and why. If their intentions are to stay M, then the WS needs to figure out why contact was re-established and how to put extraordinary precautions in place to prevent it in the future. It's something the WS and BS should do together, really, but the WS should carry the majority of the load.

Well, it's a hypothetical question, but based on a "what if" of my own situation. So I will use my current stats.

Understand, I don't "think" there is contact, I am snooping but have not yet found anything. I just want to be prepaired if I ever was to find anything.

WW left in February 2008

D-day was in April 2008

Began Plan-A soon after D-day

Exposed to my Family, her Family and all common freinds after D-day

WW returned home July 2008
Continued Plan-A

WW left for 3 days in October 2008
Implimented Plan-B. Re-xposed affair to all family and freinds, including OM's parents (He is not married). Had one of her sisters deliver Plan-B letter and went totally Dark. After 3 days WW (via comunication with her sister) asked to come home, agreeing she was totally done with OM, and agreed to NC.

Continued plan-A, and I belive we have been in recovery since October. All phone numbers changed, and has been totally transparent. The FOG level has also seemed to drop considerably.

Her family is extreamly supportive of our Recovery.

If BS has been plan Aing for over 6 months, I think plan B the only alternative if he still has hope to save the M. Why doesn't the BS post? There's a lot more to consider than just the dates you have provided. Plan B#1 only lasted 3 days? Has WS met all of the BSs "demands?"

I think all persons in recovery need at all times a back pocket plan..

that if contact is re-established Plan B goes in to effect immediately

ark^^

Awsome advice, thank you

Umm...

Maybee I was not clear, this is a trully hypothetical question. There is no BS, or if there is, the BS is me.

Basicly I am just wondering what I should do if I ever was to find that WW broke NC. This has not happened as far as my snooping has found.

Yup

Thats what I am exploring.

So your opinion is, if NC was broken, the BS should kick the WS out?

recovery is committing to rebuilding the marriage relationship

contact with the OP is a deal breaker and NOT a part of recovery...and one should not be in recovery unless the EXWS gets that part.....

if it were me and there was contact,,
I would deliver the plan B letter and be gone

people aren't victims to contact

it is an executed act....

it is in the actions that we know the commitment to recovery...

what would be the point of powerstruggling the obvious?

that is my opinion....

ark

[t-j] Hey, an ark sighting! Good to see you around these parts! [/t-j]

This is the part I am not understanding. You would have the B.S. leave the marrital home? I thought that went against popular opinion here?

Or perhaps I am being to litteral and not understanding.

In my case that would not be possable. Our home is a property that is owned by my familly, and even partially furnashed with familly property. It would not be possible for me to leave the home with her in it.

you are taking me too literal on that....

Plan B.....if that means the WS goes...then so be it.

I am telling you though that it is not unwise to have YOUR own boundaries with a plan that involves YOUR actions...

(hello SD...)

ark^^

I thought I might be taking you too litterally. Thank you for your advice and clarification.

Cryptic, but I think I understand.

Good grief Gack. If you are the BS (hypothetical, real, whatever) then why come up with all sorts of dates and events that don't match the ones in your sig?

I am not trying to be cryptic.,

In all stages of marriage builders you can and should have personal boundaries,,,,

those things that are intolerable to you and a plan on what to do if they occur,,,,,,

boundaries are not something that need to be shared with the OP..though you can share what is intolerable...you don't have to share what the consequences might be. )..they are yours to own and act on...

if I was in recovery... TRUE recovery I would have a boundary that if contact re-started with the OP.,,
I would engage plan B,,,,,

immediately

that would be MY boundary,,,,

ark

What doesn't match?
(also, I need to update that)

I understand, thank you for your patiance.

lol I see. You have a Dday of April in your sig and then said the BS had a Dday of May. Sorry for the confusion.

It's not a black or white issue.

How was recovery going?

How was NC broken: email, or they got it on again?

Then there is the WW's that sometimes fall off the wagon the way an alcoholic does. Until the WW defogs and is able to maintain NC. These slips do not mean the WW does not want to stay married and wants to leave for the OM. It's part of the withdrawal process.

Who contacted who first to break NC. Too many variables to consider.

The best advice is to first determine how NC was broken. Then take action as Pepperband said.

As to plan A'ing. There is no need to plan A because you are now changed and are a better spouse. No reason to stop being the new and improved you. No reason to go back to your old poor ways.

I would expose again, as soon as possible. Then give WW a week to respond to how see is going to keep NC. If not then tell her to move out.

Oh, actually your right, I did mess that up. I'll fix it.



Thanks TheRoad, awsome advice.
If I ever do find a break of N.C. this thread will be the first thing I read.

Well, unfortunatly it appears that N.C. has been broken.

WW sat me down Saturday night and first tried to tell me all the things that I have done wrong lateley. (things like drinking a beer at a cookout after she told me I could) then babbled on about some stuff that she was dissapointed I wasn't doing. (just randome stuff that maid no sens)

Then, of course, she told me that she thought of our relationship as just freinds, and that she has no romantic fealings for me. I asked her if this is becouse she saw OM, she was of course, adimant that she had not seen him and this had nothing to do with him.

Then she got all upset and blamed me for making everything all about OM, her fealings have nothing to do with OM, she just cant feal somthing for me that is just not there.

Sound familure?

Strait from the WW handbook.

Time to dig and expose!!