Claims 10 days of NC now. I have no way of verifying. Determined she want to move into her own apartment by Feb 1st. Wants *FULL* access to both kids and marital home after that. Says she wants to explore the A to the end and see if it really results in a good, longer relationship. Will spend a lot of time in marital home and with kids while going back to apt each night.

What am I to do? Kick in a Plan B? I've been trying Plan A all these days, and it sort of has been a roller-coaster, with me still having the occasional angry outbursts.

BTW, we're in California, and she is financially capable of sustaining herself during the apartment/loveshack stay.

Where do I go from here? Please share your thoughts! Thanks.

I would take this ideal opportunity and use her 'fog' against her. Let her abandon the marital home. Get yourself a fathers rights attorney and PI in that order. Take care of your children, then drop the hammer.

HP, I would expose this affair everywhere. Then I would let her know that you will not be her friend while she does this and will not cooperate in any separation scheme. She is counting on your cooperation to make this work. You should not cooperate! Let her know the kids will not be allowed to stay in her love nest or be around the OM without a court order.

What she is trying to do is keep you quiet and cooperative while she sticks it to her family so she won't feel so bad about her cruelty and her abandonment. You don't want to ease her guilt in that regard. SHE WANTS YOU TO MAKE IT EASY FOR HER.

My suggestion would be to go into plan B once she moves out and make her pick up the kids from the drive way for her visitations and take them to restaurants, parks. After you go into Plan B you shouldn't allow her in the house, though.

So, for now, just let her know you won't cooperate and have no intention of being her "friend" while she abandons her family for her adultery.

Do your kids know all about her affair? Have you told them she is abandoning her family for her adulterous affair?

To a lawyer
you may want to go for supervised visits


while you continue in plan A.....
with lots of boundaries...

children are to have no contact with OM
Is the affair exposed

is the OM married

Go get STD testing for yourself tell he nicely you are doing this....

get birth certificates in safe places

rally support friends around you so that when she comes home it is very uncomfortable...

fill the home with love and joy and music and offer her glimpses of a full life of value with the children vs her dark cold make beleive place with OM...

how old are the kids...

ARK

Expose her to the consequences of her actions. Once she is out of the house, I would do a modified plan B (only talk to her in emergencies about the kids), file for divorce or legal separations, get full custody of the children and the house (where you can change the locks and she is not free to come and go), and get her on the hook for child support. Once the consequences start mounting, she'll realize this affair won't go anywhere if she starts getting child support deducted from her paycheck and she can't see her children whenever she wants.

You are the rare BH of late who is in the drivers seat. Myself and a whole host of others did not go on the offensive and had to pay dearly to regain lost ground. You are in a war - you need to think that way. There's a lot of good advice - you need to get an A and follow through!

Time to go to atleast Plan-B, if not Plan-D.

Well to darn bad.

Get a Lawyer TODAY!!!
Do not allow this.

You have a massive opportunity to take advantage of her moving out.

You can now file for abandonment, full legal and physical custody, and dictate the terms of visitation.

You have absolutely no idea how huge a gift she's giving you by doing this.

But don't have the lack of self respect where you will allow this.

Get an attorney immediately. Smile and nod with her plans. She's digging a monster big hole for herself.

This gives you a massive, massive advantage in family court that very few fathers get.

This is a major opportunity for you.

And the ironic thing is that you making things difficult for her in terms of custody is the giant dose of reality that she needs to snap out of the fog.

A court order granting you custody of your kids is very often an antidote to a WW fog.

Give her a Plan B letter as she walks out the door and file something the day she leaves.

Seriously, take advantage of this gift she's giving you. Your rights as a father will be secured that way.

But finally, don't for one second tolerate this horrible slap in the face to you where she will go and scr3w another man while you take care of the kids.

Absolutely unnacceptable.

Since you are in California, file for a legal separation. Since it is a community property state it is very difficult to keep her from the marital home without legal means. Get physical custody of the kids and state clearly no introductions to OM and no opposite sex overnights while kids are in her care. Then go to plan B.

Thanks a lot folks! You guys are my sole strength at this point in time. It gives me a tremendous amount of courage. I'll be strong and act as advised!

Don't give her a heads-up, just catch her by surprise. Meet with a lawyer soon to discuss your strategy for securing custody. Make sure you find a good, bulldog attorney.

Any recommendations for a "bulldog attorney" in the San Francisco Bay Area?

I've got an appointment scheduled with "a" attorney, not sure how good or bad she will turn our though...

Ask some of your divorced co-workers and friend who got scr3wed the most by their exes attorney....then hire that attorney!

HinP

check this link - also wanted to mention great advice on above posts, Sorry you had to join this club or aka house of broken dreams.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=149531&Number=2033532#Post2033532

Please do NOT listen to those that would have you do a "partial or almost" Plan B. What is rarely revealed in these forums is that a modified Plan B may be the greatest force towards divorce that can occur post DD.

A modified Plan B reeks of anger, retribution and revenge. A real Plan B is initially perceived the same way by the WS but it's persistence,tenacity and the show of BS self respect is what makes it the ultimate path.

Best of luck.

Since the car she uses is in my name, should I take that too away if/when she moves out? That will really hurt her bad though.

Suggestions? Thanks!

Take it away. Do not finance the affair in any way, including loaning her a car. This is not an LB. This is a consequence of her actions.

My lawyer warned me not to do that.
Or drop the ensurance, or drop the tag.

Unfortunately, you live in the People's Republic of California so things are harder. But, the advice above comes in handy (but, again, check it with your attorney).

I would let her get out of the door and then do the filing for custody, etc. I am not familiar with California law, but if she has moved into a new apartment, the marital home is no longer her home. She has abandoned it, thus you can change the locks and not allow her inside.

My wife did the same thing, and thought she could use the time to play around with the OM and see what happened. I turned it into a very difficult time for her, because I didnt go along with the "separation scheme" (as Mel said above).

So, let her hang herself by moving out. She will try to "normalize" things for the first week or so, but then the OM will want more time out of her and you all will see her less and less. Trust me...it happened in my situation.

So, the old rule of "if your enemy is in the midst of destroying themselves, get out of the way and let them" applies here. Once my wife had done this, and spent very little time with the kids over the 6 month period...her goose was cooked when it came to court.

Protect your kids and your assets. She may pull her head out eventually, but for now...let her fall.

If she wants to keep the car, put in the D agreement that she will have to refinance it in her name only--therefore, leaving the insurance, tag etc. all her responsibility. Give a deadline (date) that this has to be done by IN THE AGREEMENT. If she doesn't want to do that, then you keep the car. Your attorney will advise you on this.

And ask your attorney if you are responsible if she is busted for drug possession or if the car is implicated in some other crime. There are very sound reasons to not have your name on a vehicle that is not in your possession and it doesn't matter if your WW was ever into anything like that before because you don't know her now.

Heart, my brother, I noticed something in your thread that caused me to wince.

""That will really hurt her bad though.""

You did not want to take the car away, because that would "really hurt her bad though"....

When you are fighting for your married life and your children, there IS NO ROOM FOR ANY COMPASSION OR EMPATHY for your adulterous wife!!

You must view her and approach her as an alien being inhabiting your former wife's body. You must be devious and ruthless in your dealings with her to MAKE HER SLEAZY ADULTEROUS AFFAIR AS DIFFICULT AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE to continue.

DO NOT WORRY ABOUT HER FEELINGS!!! She most certainly is not concerned one whit about yours.

kirk

Kirk! Thank you, my friend, for drawing my attention to that. Obviously I still have too much love in my heart for this woman! 21 years of solid, unwavering love is difficult to put aside. Never wanted to ever see her hurt, and that feeling unfortunately continues, in spite of the stinking crap that she's dragged me and my beautiful kids into.

Thanks, again!