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I think an abandoned WS is worse. They have all the guilt and shame, AND ABANDONMENT. The fWS that work their as off to save the M, yet the BS wants nothing more to do w/ them and just walks. That must be pure hel. Thoughts?
Originally Posted by Dude007
I think an abandoned WS is worse. They have all the guilt and shame, AND ABANDONMENT. The fWS that work their as off to save the M, yet the BS wants nothing more to do w/ them and just walks. That must be pure hel. Thoughts?

I think both options suck. But I don't look at it as a game of one upmanship. I think a lot of FWS are truly sorry. Sometimes sorry doesn't cut it and the M ends. I'm sure a lot of people are sorry after they murder someone but it doesn't change the fact that they are going to jail. But even with my WW I don't take pleasure in her misery. I think that is just plain spiteful and probably not going to lead me to a good place.

Originally Posted by Dude007
I think an abandoned WS is worse. They have all the guilt and shame, AND ABANDONMENT. The fWS that work their as off to save the M, yet the BS wants nothing more to do w/ them and just walks. That must be pure hel. Thoughts?

First off, your title doesn't fit your message, since you are comparing to a BS that walks away out of free will, not abandoned.

Second, are you suggesting that a BS doesn't feel a ton of guilt and shame?

Third, what's the point of comparing pain?
It depends. If a WS is a FWS, meaning genuinely remorseful and broken, that can be it's own punishment. Not sure how often that happens or if the FWS simply medicates themselves so they can go on with their life. I will always have more sympathy for the BS though.
Originally Posted by dkd
Originally Posted by Dude007
I think an abandoned WS is worse. They have all the guilt and shame, AND ABANDONMENT. The fWS that work their as off to save the M, yet the BS wants nothing more to do w/ them and just walks. That must be pure hel. Thoughts?

First off, your title doesn't fit your message, since you are comparing to a BS that walks away out of free will, not abandoned.

Second, are you suggesting that a BS doesn't feel a ton of guilt and shame?

Third, what's the point of comparing pain?

"First off, your title doesn't fit your message, since you are comparing to a BS that walks away out of free will, not abandoned." WRONG, BS is Abandoning the M if they leave and don't fight for it, RIGHT??!! Thats what the fWW said.

"Second, are you suggesting that a BS doesn't feel a ton of guilt and shame?" SHAME FOR WHAT?

"Third, what's the point of comparing pain?" This WHOLE ***edit*** Board is about pain, and the degrees people go through. A lot of the BS who's WS has walked out on them seem like it EXTREMELY painful. I'm merely trying to clarify if a repentant WS who wants to fight for their M, but the BS has not interest and leaves, GENERALLY has a rougher time and more pain because of the added GUILT AND SHAME on top of the ABANDONMENT.
What are you trying to achieve with this thread?
There is a REASON for the auto-censor on this board. The Harleys do not wish for profanity to be used here. It is NOT okay to bypass the profanity filter!

Thank you.
WHY DO WS CHEAT??! <- We all know there is no clear answer to this, but its a great discussion peace. Same thing, understanding the depth of pain for ABDANDONED fWS, the only thing it could possibly be compared to is an ABANDONED BS, but even then I would think the former GENERALLY experiences more pain than the latter. Its a discussion question just like WHY DO WS CHEAT?! Nobody knows....
Originally Posted by Dude007
"First off, your title doesn't fit your message, since you are comparing to a BS that walks away out of free will, not abandoned." WRONG, BS is Abandoning the M if they leave and don't fight for it, RIGHT??!! Thats what the fWW said.

Abandoning someone and being abandoned are too very different things. Which one do you mean?

Originally Posted by Dude007
"Second, are you suggesting that a BS doesn't feel a ton of guilt and shame?" SHAME FOR WHAT?
[/quote] Shame in the sense that feel fools for trusting the WS and a part of a horrible marriage. Not to mention how they may feel if kids are involved or whatever fault they may or may not have.

Originally Posted by Dude007
"Third, what's the point of comparing pain?" This WHOLE ***edit*** Board is about pain, and the degrees people go through. A lot of the BS who's WS has walked out on them seem like it EXTREMELY painful. I'm merely trying to clarify if a repentant WS who wants to fight for their M, but the BS has not interest and leaves, GENERALLY has a rougher time and more pain because of the added GUILT AND SHAME on top of the ABANDONMENT.

What difference does it make? I don't think a WS should get a pass because of what they are suffering through, nor do I think a BS should feel any obligation to reconcile the marriage because WS is hurting or trying. I don't see how the answer to your question drives to any kind of action or conclusion.
Dude, you are one of the only posters I don't get. In fact, I don't think YOU get YOU.

You D'd your wife because she cheated on you.

That was YOUR RIGHT. And no one here is certainly going to beat you up over it.

Yet you come here and brag about your revenge affair, all of the "windfall" you got from D'ing your WW ($$$, cars, young/hot GF, hot tubs, to name a few). You put on this huge air of "not caring" and that you are "better off" but yet clearly, you are obviously still obsessed with the whole thing because you keep coming here to post stuff like this. Why do you care if you are so much better off (as you claim)?

There's very few BS that I can't sympathize with-- even the very angry ones around here. I understand their hurt and pain. But yet I really have a hard time sympathizing with you. I'm sorry, but it just seems that you are trying to cover up for a lot of pain with a lot of very shallow things that will leave you very empty in the end-- and quite frankly, IMHO, you are putting YOURSELF on a road to lose the most of what "matters" in life.

I really wish you the best, and I hope that you come to work thru a lot of things on your own.

E.
E I think your post is spot on.
Originally Posted by eeyoree
you come here and brag about your revenge affair, all of the "windfall" you got from D'ing your WW ($$$, cars, young/hot GF, hot tubs, to name a few). You put on this huge air of "not caring" and that you are "better off" but yet clearly, you are obviously still obsessed with the whole thing because you keep coming here to post stuff like this. Why do you care if you are so much better off (as you claim)?

You said what I was thinking.........
Great post eeyoree - I totally agree.
Why are you yelling?
For the spouse that decides to stay but the other spouse leaves, it does not matter who had the affair.

Many WS's never intend to divorce their BS when they had their affair.

Originally Posted by eeyoree
Dude, you are one of the only posters I don't get. In fact, I don't think YOU get YOU.

I think I get Dude. This guy is in serious pain. And he expresses it. It may not come out as eliquently as others, but it is blatantly obvious. He says the things that many of us BS's are afraid to even think. I find it somewhat cathartic to read it in actual words. Like - maybe I'm not completely insane. You can read the same raw edge in Krazy and Pariah's posts.

As for which is worse, who knows. I was an abandoned BS in the sense that WstbxH left me for OW. We get the odd WS here crying because their BS left (abandoned) them due to an A. I don't read those threads because I can't stand them. Sorry, but if you do the crime, do the time. Do they feel guilt and shame? Maybe they do but as far as I'm concerned they deserve it. It's the difference between a child starving in Africa vs. a grown man who suckers the wellfare system so he can sleep all day and do drugs all night on my tax dollars - both equally hungry but I'm not equally sympathetic to them.



I am much better off...I hear from my fwXw every day. I try and gauge how she is doing because I still love her. I'm still very sweet to her regardless of all the crap that hit the fan w/ us in 08. So yes, I still feel the pain. I'm much better off financially and for sure have had my day in the sun the last 6 mo. I then met my beautiful GF and dropped all the rest. Doesn't mean I feel nothing. Just trying to understand how all this effects my relationships going forward. Strange thing is no one here seems to have the similar incidence of Retaliation, and then Banking on the A. Maybe I'm crazy, but people get married for money every day, but I get blasted for divorcing for money.(Taken the out!) So yes, Tabby knows I'm still hurt, but I do enjoy blowing all the cash and dating like there is no tomorrow. So what? Am I not deserving of that?

DUDE
Originally Posted by Dude007
I am much better off...I hear from my fwXw every day. I try and gauge how she is doing because I still love her. I'm still very sweet to her regardless of all the crap that hit the fan w/ us in 08. So yes, I still feel the pain. I'm much better off financially and for sure have had my day in the sun the last 6 mo. I then met my beautiful GF and dropped all the rest. Doesn't mean I feel nothing. Just trying to understand how all this effects my relationships going forward. Strange thing is no one here seems to have the similar incidence of Retaliation, and then Banking on the A. Maybe I'm crazy, but people get married for money every day, but I get blasted for divorcing for money.(Taken the out!) So yes, Tabby knows I'm still hurt, but I do enjoy blowing all the cash and dating like there is no tomorrow. So what? Am I not deserving of that?

DUDE

I feel very sorry for your girlfriend. Does she know you are just using her? Are you insane still being in contact with your ex-wife? How does your girlfriend feel about that?
Dude,

it would be easier on people if you didnt start a new thread. Your story gets too hard to follow.

Are you drinking right now BTW???
Originally Posted by bigkahuna
Originally Posted by Dude007
I am much better off...I hear from my fwXw every day. I try and gauge how she is doing because I still love her. I'm still very sweet to her regardless of all the crap that hit the fan w/ us in 08. So yes, I still feel the pain. I'm much better off financially and for sure have had my day in the sun the last 6 mo. I then met my beautiful GF and dropped all the rest. Doesn't mean I feel nothing. Just trying to understand how all this effects my relationships going forward. Strange thing is no one here seems to have the similar incidence of Retaliation, and then Banking on the A. Maybe I'm crazy, but people get married for money every day, but I get blasted for divorcing for money.(Taken the out!) So yes, Tabby knows I'm still hurt, but I do enjoy blowing all the cash and dating like there is no tomorrow. So what? Am I not deserving of that?

DUDE

I feel very sorry for your girlfriend. Does she know you are just using her? Are you insane still being in contact with your ex-wife? How does your girlfriend feel about that?

Dude,

You are in serious denial. You are trying to numb the pain with GF whom is only going to get hurt. You think thats fair. Pull yourself together admit you want to save your M and go do it.

Otherwise you'll end up another classic case of suicide over a broken heart
Its not like that. And NO, I would never go suicidal. The pain that would inflict is untenable. Where I'm at is I'm really falling in love w/ the GF. All the depression issues are gone. I've gained all my weight back since d-day. I've stopped drinking a lot. I've stopped all the partying and dating. My fWxW was kind of a royal B the last three years of our M. I think once I realized I was falling in love w/ someone else, I knew the M was officially over in my mind. So that is where I'm coming from. The transition from the BS, to possibly a new spouse, with a new life, capping all the drama and filing it away. My personal support group(A LOT OF CLOSE FRIENDS) got me through everything. I do remember the early days of the M, maybe the first ten years were great, the last few years she was just a royal, mean B most the time. I still feel for her, but am out of love w/ her. Actually, we were somewhat incompatible. What you all are trying to do is NOBLE, I just want you to understand I'm at the T in the road, and taking a right turn. Its at that point I was trying to gain as much clarity for closure to move on to this next relationship with all my senses back. Understand? I love my GF, I wouldn't hurt her for anything. She is WAY TOO sweet and loving. I just needed to clarify as much as I could before making such of a commitment. All part of the process I would presume. I COULD NOT EVEN imagine going back to fWxW. So no, the soul is being healed, just wanted to make sure I do it right the next time round and looking for guidance. There is life after Betrayal outside of the WW.
I hear you Dude and am happy you are moving onto better things. If what you say is truly the case, then you may be standing at the wrong T in the road. You are standing at the T of your fWxW’s intersection. You are analyzing her too much at this stage. What she did, she now owns. So what is the T? Take a left and go back to fWxW; take a right and move on with new GF? I think the T you need to be standing at is to understand yourself and how you may have contributed to your fWxW’s A. Take a left and go back to how you were before; take a right and better yourself for your new GF. All relationships have their challenges and problems, but none call for having an A. Sounds like you may have put your job and career before your fWxW and denied meeting some of her needs. Learn from that, change yourself, and give your new young GF a better you. You keep posting about things pertaining to your fWxW state of being and it shows you keep looking back. Your posts should be more about what fWxW said you did to cause her to stray and how can you fix those things? I know you interact with your xW due to the kids and it hurts you to see her in pain. In your place of caring, all you can do is encourage her to move on and better her own life.

BUT, and this is a big BUT, really dig deep within yourself and decide which intersection you are at. You may be using your new GF as a “new car” to weaken the pain. I’m not saying you don’t care about her, but really make sure you are over your xW. If you are not, you will end up hurting that “sweet and loving” GF you care about. You really should have waited a year or more before dating to process everything, so there is a good change you are not reading your own emotions correctly. You are what is known as an “instinctive” personality. Those are people who act on instinct before thinking things through. Most financially successful people share this trait. It’s not rocket science to accumulate wealth. It just requires action and a lot of it. The opposite are people who over analyze and never make a move. Many scientist and researchers are like this. They analyze every little thing, and even then, they’re not sure they have the answer. You need to come to the middle and analyze, calculate, then act. Learn to understand yourself, your strengths and weaknesses. Improve you character and not your car collection. A Shelby Cobra will not make the pain go away. Now a new Challenger RT with Hemi, now THAT will make the pain go away…
Just be forewarned, your new GF is almost certainly a rebound relationship. Especially the way you describe it above and I did read your thread when you were first here and remember your revenge A - is this GF the same woman?

OK, lets forget about whether or not this relationship is adultery or not, revenge or otherwise. Affairs have crappy enough statistics as it is. However, rebounds aren't really much better. Rebounds are characteristically very intense and intimate (not necessarily physical but certainly emotionally). They do exactly what you describe - they take away the pain. But it's only temporary. Eventually, the pain finds its way back, or when the early high of having a new relationship wears off (similar to an A), one of you realizes that you really don't have anything else in common except the pain. The worst thing is that the end of a rebound relationship can hurt even more than the end of the primary relationship - marriage in your case.

It's something to think about, because though you may be better now than you were the first time you showed up, your pain is still obvious in every word you type.

Infidelity sucks.
Dude, have you ever heard the expression, from Shakespeare's Hamlet, that goes, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks"?

When you post, that expression is what comes to my mind. You talk about all your money, all your cars, all your women and how well your revenge affair worked out for you. Life is good!

In trying to convince others about how well you're doing, what comes though is something much different. It's clear from your other thread that you are in a bit of a quandary - which is to be expected. You moved out of your marriage and onto another relationship very quickly - too quickly. Your ex-wife is still very much on your mind while you have this new young girlfriend.

Perhaps a bit of a time out is in order, so that you can figure out what it is that you really want.

Take care.
Once the divorce is signed, your punishment of your WW has ended.

She didn't abandon you, you made your choice to leave her.

If youwanted a long drawn out pay-back, you should have stayed and just abused her until she left.
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