Hi All,

I just told H of my affair. I had to go hide the guns (should have thought to do that earlier). I'm scared of what he's going to do--he wants to leave the house. I'm not scared that he'll hurt me or the kids, but that he might harm himself. He says his anger is flaming towards the OM. He asked me for OM's last name. After telling him I didn't want to tell him becuase I didn't want him (my H) to do anything he regretted, he started to get angrier, so I told him OM's last name.

I have told H of this site. Right now, he's not interested, to say the least. But he did want me to ask you guys: how long does a BH feel this anger?

Any advice for this sort of response?

He will feel LESS angry in a couple of days. But he will be angry for a long time. Your H has been dealt a trauma the equivalent of rape.

Tell him to please calm down and not do anything rash. His anger will go away. HE has to remember that his children need him to be strong right now.

Does he want to come here and talk to us?

It depends on each person, and each couple. You could tell him that the reason you told him is you want to be his wife for the rest of your lives and you know it takes total honesty, so you're willing, and wanting, to take the 2x4s from him for what you did, as long as he can accept your honesty and what it means. That telling him is actually kind of a good thing.

He doesn't want to be on this site--yet. He did look it up and read a few things and said it was too painful right now, which I completely understand.

He's calmed down enough now that I don't think he'll be leaving the house. I was REALLY worried there for a while...I was expecting mad (H is a very non-aggressive man for the most part), but I wasn't expecting the "I'm ready to seriously harm someone" anger.

I am glad this is out in the open. Let's hope I can be the wife he needs through all this.

Also, I've been completely honest with answering his detailed questions. I have not volunteered more info than he has asked, though, as I didn't want to get off topic or overwhelm him. IS this the best strategy to use?

For me the initial anger lasted about an hour. I'm more concerned about when the anger does subside, becasue for me it was 3 days of being a complete mess, unable to work or do anything really. Sat in bed just asking myself why. Next i started to blame myself and fell into a deep deep depression. It was real ugly.

Please let him know that if he want to come here, that it does not mean in any way shape or form that he's made the decision to save the marriage. It's a place that he can get support and comunicate with those who have been where he is right now.

bbb, give him enough so that he gets the PICTURE. You don't want to overwhelm him, but you also don't want to be a hostile defense witness who will answer direct questions.

And whatever you do, don't withhold anything because you think it is not in his best interest to know that. That would be a HUGE MISTAKE. I think you already realized that when you didn't want to tell him the OM's full name. He has a right to know all that about the OM. Just keep in mind, this is all pertinent information about your H's life to which he has a right to know.

I know this is tough on you, bbb, just hang in there and focus on your poor husband right now. You did the right thing for him and for your marriage.

Your BH will not be able to believe you if you do not answer his questions. You need to start rebuilding his trust.

This is going to be really tough for him. My wife and I are trying to recover from an emotional affair. I can sympathize with his feelings. I still want to right the wrong with the OM, even though I know that it was her poor choice to talk to him.

bbb, THANK GOD you found us.

You're doing everything right. Yes, you did have to tell him who it was. I'm so pleased he hasn't left the house. Actually my H didn't like reading MB - he found it too painful. He didn't find comfort from other BH's stories - he just found them painful. But your H may come around to posting here.

bbb, good luck - I'm praying for you both.

bbb,
I have not posted to you yet, but I have been reading and rooting for you.

Good for you for doing the right thing. How I wish my H had confessed to me first.

I just have a few thoughts for you.

Expect anger, expect a huge roller coaster ride for at least 2 years(but only ride the ride one day at a time) and MOST IMPORTANT of all:

When he asks a question, train yourself to answer without hesitation. Do not say that you are afraid to give him the information. Do not let even a moment pass without answering. EVERY time you do this it will create doubt in his mind about your sincerity. And every time you answer quickly, without hesitation, you will be adding a solid brick to your recovery foundation.

He will ask the same questions over and over. Answer them each time as if you have never answered them before. Don't roll your eyes, don't say that you have already told him that. Just answer it again.

Understand that it will be a LONG time, even if recovery goes fairly well, before he has even a LITTLE trust for you. ACCEPT that. Just accept it. Don't fight it, don't wish it wasn't like that. Just accept it. This is how you can heal yourself and your H.

I am not a bit surprised that he would want the last name and consider going after the guy. Seems about on the mark actually.

God Bless You!

bbb, the things that you are doing are bound to make your H's recovery go much faster. You are remorseful, forthcoming and have already taken steps to affair proof your marriage. As hard as it is to see right now, you are way ahead than most of us were at this point.

Great advice, all.

Wknghrd2LoveEasy, great advice--I will train myself to answer all questions quickly and without the slightest bit of "irritation" in having to answer the same questions over and over again.

Isn't it odd that I never realized just HOW MUCH I love DH unitl this very night? The worst night of our lives and I can so clearly see how deep for him my love is.

The timing for telling him was perfect. He told me that had I told him this news 2 weeks earlier, he would have completely walked--"The deal breaker" as he called it. But tonight as he was telling me that latter, he said "now (as in at this point in our marriage) I love you too much to leave."

Let's hope I don't mess this up anymore than I already have!!!! Keep the advice coming!! And THANK YOU!

Thank you, MelodyLane, I SOOO needed that encouragement right now!

(Maybe there is hope for me yet, though it doesn't feel like it!)

bbb, I can't tell you how much I admire you for doing this. With your attitude you have EVERY chance of your marriage succeeding, recovering and being better than ever.

I feel so much for your H. He's just had the worst news in the world.

when you calm down a little. You may consider writing out an apology and then reading it to him. Ask him to let you finish it before he responds. Writing you feelings down and then reading them allows you to focus on what you want to say, instead of focusing on how he is responding to it. It can help him understand just how truly sorry you are. You can even write it here where others may be able to help you gather your thoughts.

"when you calm down a little. You may consider writing out an apology and then reading it to him. You can even write it here where others may be able to help you gather your thoughts."

Great idea. If you all don't mind, I'd like to do that. Your guys' input is invaluable to me (and I need ALL the help I can get!!)

"Beauty from ashes," I keep telling myself, "Beauty from ashes."

Give this message to your H:

I don't know you, but I've been in your shoes. I know the pain you're feeling and the he77 you're going through in your head.

You're on an emotional rollercoaster where you feel despair one second and rage the next.

I understand this.

You won't believe me when I tell you this, but there is a very real opportunity for you right now to not only emerge from this pain with a stronger marriage, but that you're actually very lucky to have a wife who has recognized her mistake on her own and has chosen YOU.

There's a community here who understands you and can help guide you through this process.

Your wife is scared and rightly so. She's afraid she's going to lose you. She's afraid you're going to do something in your state of anger that you'll regret later.

Please remember your four little ones. Regardless of what happens with your marriage, they need you in their lives and you don't want to do anything rash.

Take a breath. Cry. Feel the pain. Get some space. Go for a drive. Call a friend.

Come here if you need some help.

We've been advising your wife for a few days on what to do and she has been listening and following our advice on how to completely end things with the other man and how to tell you.

She's receptive to our feedback, which has been harsh at times.

You're in a unique situation in that you have a wife who recognizes the magnitude of the mistake she's made. The majority of us on this board have had quite the opposite experience, had to discover things on our own, and have our own sad stories that we went through.

Come talk to us if you wish. We understand if you don't.

Best of luck in whatever you choose to do.

"Strength for fear, gladness for mourning, peace for despair"

BBB,
You did great. I know you are afraid, I felt the same when my H found out about my A, that is normal.
You are getting great advice here!!

Angie

Oh Baron,

Your post brings tears to my eyes and an odd pain-filled comfort to my heart. Thank you for caring.

I have cut and pasted your post and send it to H's email. I know he'll read it that way, if it's in his inbox. And with your words, I won't be surprised if he'll show up at MB seeking your counsel.

Thank you for speaking well of me when, really, there is nothing to speak well of.

Presently, DH is outside sitting in his truck, talking on the phone to an online friend he's never met. He told me he feels he has no one to turn to, no place to go, as he doesn't want to shame me. HE doesn't want to shame ME by talking to anyone we know.

How did I wind up so fortunate to have a man this good? My shame only increases in light of this love. I feel a sliver of hope that we may just make it through this.

Thank you guys for being here for me--I don't deserve your time, energy, and thoughts, but you give it freely to a stained woman: amazing. Simply amazing.

Is the online friend a MALE?

Yes! A MALE online friend from H's gaming community. :MrEEk: Good question!

WOW, calling a friend he doesnt know from a gaming community? What kind is it? I know some of them can get pretty close.

Yeah, my H and this guy have really gotten close, and I am very thankful for that at this moment! The network is AGN - Adult Gamer's Network. My H has been a member with them for..hmm..at least 2 years now. He used to game daily (this was a problem in our marriage), but now games only on Friday nights (an extended gaming session lasting 6+ hours). I never understood how guns and games brought bonding to the male species, but I am THANKFUL for it! :-)

K. I play some games with a lot of gun guys so I thought I would ask.

Well done BBB,

Sounds like you've made a good job of it. Of course we're still here for you as well as H.

I hope your ride from here is as smooth as ours has been. Plenty of listening and talking and honesty. Keep trying to make those opportunities without the kids around.

Hope your b'day celebrations run smoothly

ST

I have been following along, not posted to you until now. I was glad to read this. I had only 2 friends that I could talk to about this after I found out about my H's long relationship and they tired quickly of listening. I would love to see him come here to post. Nothing has helped me more than the people here and Steve Harley. Your H will need support and encouragement.

One small thing. I know you told him about the A and I know you have been advised well on how to answer his questions but if there is anything still out there that you have not told him that you think or even suspect he might find important please tell him now, or maybe after the party. There will be little things that will come out when he asks but if there is anything big take the utmost care to tell him now yourself. It took 4 months to get all of my WH's story and it almost killed me. Others here would agree. It will set him back every time.

Good job bbb. I can't imagine telling this is any easier than hearing it. Ride the rollercoaster with him. Let him know we are all ready to help him get through this if he needs us.

This is great advice. Your WH is going to be questioning *everything* in the weeks to come. He thought he knew you, and he didn't. He thought X was happening on a certain day, and really it was Y. He will question his memory, what he's been told, and his own judgment. His world and his reality have literally been blown apart and he has no place solid on which to stand.

When he asks the same questions over and over, he's rebuilding his reality. He's making sure everything matches, that everything is consistent, and he's testing your honesty.

When you answer honestly, completely, and patiently - over and over - you are helping him to rebuild his world and his life.