A Thread for eyeonthesparrow... - 03/06/09 08:54 PM
Cindy,
I have taken the liberty of moving your original post from SS01's thread over here for you.
I'm at work right now and don't have much time but hopefully other's will chime in for now.
I have taken the liberty of moving your original post from SS01's thread over here for you.
I'm at work right now and don't have much time but hopefully other's will chime in for now.
Quote
You have offered some great advice to this person. I would like to hear your advice on my situation. I will try to make it short.
My husband has been having an affair for 2 1/4 years now. This affair started when he started working overseas in Vietnam, she is Vietnamese. If fact he is there this very moment as I am writing this to you.
He met her after a large meeting in Hanoi at a karaoke bar. All the other men that my husband worked with were there too, unfortunately for the same disgusting reason. She was with a large group of girls all wearing name tags who were all working on their trade of prostitution. All the guys sat out in the audience as some announcer named each girl and all the guys would have to do was raise their hand for the girl of their choice to come and sit next to them. My husband chose a girl named Xuan.
I want to say something about my husband before I go on. My husband loves looking at 10 women and I am sure he would probably like to have one, but he chose this woman Xuan who is far from a 10. I have seen what she looks like and without makeup she is not very attractive at all. My husband says she is average looking for a Vietnamese person, but if you compare the average looking Vietnamese person to the average American person, she would be below average in America.
Why would my husband choose a person who looks this way when looks are very important to him? Also, just to note, my husband struggles with pornography.
Now to get back to what I was saying. Since having this affair a baby has been born because of it. He says it is his, but he or myself and children are not 100% certain and I will tell you why. When my husband was 3 months into his affair I got her phone number from his cell phone bill and I called her up at 11:30 pm her time and I talked to her and the man she was with and they both told me that they married each other. This proves she is not faithful. So, this child could be someone else's. I sent him with a DNA test, but he told me that there is a lot of tension between the two of them and that asking for this right now would not be good. The reason why there has been tension between the 2 of them is because when he was home last time for a 7 week period he talked to her only 1 time. By the way, I was on another phone listening in sitting there with my husband.
When he went back this time he tried go to her apartment and she would not answer her door, so my husband went to her sisters house. My husband's words were that he sister had to beg and plead for almost 2 hours for her to come over. She finally did, and when they talked Xuan told my husband to take care of his family and that she and the baby(unborn at that moment)would be ok. She said some other things and then said that she did not want to talk much, and left.
Now my husband is over there trying to keep the peace and I believe he is trying to get her to warm up to him again so he still can continue in this affair just as a friend, but I believe more so so he can continue to have sex with her.
My husband is the type of person who does whatever it takes to get his way. Whether he yells or is extra nice to someone. He is so self centered and doesn't deeply comprehend this. He is trying to get out of life what he was missing as a child. This a whole complete different problem that I can talk about later.
To get to the end here, my husband does not want to break it off with her, he has told me so because he says that he still cares for her. I have asked him many times if he loves her and he says that he has some type of love for her, but he can't articulate to me what kind he is talking about. I don't think he is trying to hide this information from me, he just doesn't know because he is confused by his own admission.
Here is what confuses me. He told me that about after one year of the affair the fizzle wore off and things became like a normal relationship. He told me that at this very moment that his love is not growing for her. But, when I asked him where he was on the scale of emotional attachment he said moderate to intense because he feels that he can not break it off with her. What is he to do now that there is a child involved?
I have a few of Dr. Harley's books, but I guess I have not read the Plan A-D sections. What book talks about these plans? Isn't there extensive things here at Marriage Builders to get this information?
So what do you think about what I have just told you and what would be your advice?
Cindy,
(eyeonthesparrow)
My husband has been having an affair for 2 1/4 years now. This affair started when he started working overseas in Vietnam, she is Vietnamese. If fact he is there this very moment as I am writing this to you.
He met her after a large meeting in Hanoi at a karaoke bar. All the other men that my husband worked with were there too, unfortunately for the same disgusting reason. She was with a large group of girls all wearing name tags who were all working on their trade of prostitution. All the guys sat out in the audience as some announcer named each girl and all the guys would have to do was raise their hand for the girl of their choice to come and sit next to them. My husband chose a girl named Xuan.
I want to say something about my husband before I go on. My husband loves looking at 10 women and I am sure he would probably like to have one, but he chose this woman Xuan who is far from a 10. I have seen what she looks like and without makeup she is not very attractive at all. My husband says she is average looking for a Vietnamese person, but if you compare the average looking Vietnamese person to the average American person, she would be below average in America.
Why would my husband choose a person who looks this way when looks are very important to him? Also, just to note, my husband struggles with pornography.
Now to get back to what I was saying. Since having this affair a baby has been born because of it. He says it is his, but he or myself and children are not 100% certain and I will tell you why. When my husband was 3 months into his affair I got her phone number from his cell phone bill and I called her up at 11:30 pm her time and I talked to her and the man she was with and they both told me that they married each other. This proves she is not faithful. So, this child could be someone else's. I sent him with a DNA test, but he told me that there is a lot of tension between the two of them and that asking for this right now would not be good. The reason why there has been tension between the 2 of them is because when he was home last time for a 7 week period he talked to her only 1 time. By the way, I was on another phone listening in sitting there with my husband.
When he went back this time he tried go to her apartment and she would not answer her door, so my husband went to her sisters house. My husband's words were that he sister had to beg and plead for almost 2 hours for her to come over. She finally did, and when they talked Xuan told my husband to take care of his family and that she and the baby(unborn at that moment)would be ok. She said some other things and then said that she did not want to talk much, and left.
Now my husband is over there trying to keep the peace and I believe he is trying to get her to warm up to him again so he still can continue in this affair just as a friend, but I believe more so so he can continue to have sex with her.
My husband is the type of person who does whatever it takes to get his way. Whether he yells or is extra nice to someone. He is so self centered and doesn't deeply comprehend this. He is trying to get out of life what he was missing as a child. This a whole complete different problem that I can talk about later.
To get to the end here, my husband does not want to break it off with her, he has told me so because he says that he still cares for her. I have asked him many times if he loves her and he says that he has some type of love for her, but he can't articulate to me what kind he is talking about. I don't think he is trying to hide this information from me, he just doesn't know because he is confused by his own admission.
Here is what confuses me. He told me that about after one year of the affair the fizzle wore off and things became like a normal relationship. He told me that at this very moment that his love is not growing for her. But, when I asked him where he was on the scale of emotional attachment he said moderate to intense because he feels that he can not break it off with her. What is he to do now that there is a child involved?
I have a few of Dr. Harley's books, but I guess I have not read the Plan A-D sections. What book talks about these plans? Isn't there extensive things here at Marriage Builders to get this information?
So what do you think about what I have just told you and what would be your advice?
Cindy,
(eyeonthesparrow)