I love getting flowers from my husband. Before the affair he used to buy me flowers all the time. He used to have them delivered to my work or he would pick them up at the grocery. I like them all. I haven't gotten flowers since February 2007. He hasn't bought me a single daisy since the affair. I have mentioned that I miss flowers. He has told me that he would buy some tomorrow and next week. Last weekend he said that he went by the store and looked at them and they didn't look good so he didn't buy any. I haven't mentioned it since. I am not nagging him. A month ago I bought some for myself. When I was single, I used to buy flowers every week at the grocery for myself. When we got married, he told me that I didn't need to buy flowers for myself because that was his job. Should I just let it go and buy my own flowers and have a low level of resentment towards him for not wanting to make me happy? I have told him what I want and he won't do it. I don't think that it is a big deal. I think that because I have made my desire very clear, he feels nagged. I just want my husband to bring me some flowers.

It's OK to ask.

Use a phrase that starts with:

I would love it if....

or

I love it when........

I have... Still no flowers.

This is a specific way for your H to meet an EN of your's.

You might even add how often you would love him to do these types of things for you....

Just remember to PRAISE him over and over when he does. This reinforces the behavior that you love.

Is H on board with MB principles?

I don't want to ask anymore. It is becoming a sore spot for me because the flowers stopped around the time he met OW. I think that I am just not going to get flowers from him anymore. I miss that romantic gesture. I think the affair killed the romantic feelings that my husband used to feel for me. Maybe when I see him buy flowers on his own without being begged, I will know that his romantic feelings have returned. We are early in recovery. I guess he just doesn't feel romantic yet. Maybe next year...

If you enjoy the flowers, buy them for yourself. Maybe he will by a clue after awhile. If he doesn't buy them for you, there will be resentment anyway so you might as well buy them if you like them.

Dday is very recent and his A wasn't short. Give it some time.

This is a trigger for me so I am not going to comment anymore. I am just going to take a breath and think on something else.

My grandfather was a wise old man. Among the many things he taught me during my childhood/teenage years was this:

"If you have to ask for something, it's not worth getting". He was of course talking in the way of gifts.

If your husband doesn't want to buy flowers but he does just because you ask for them--will they even be worth getting?

I guess that's my question.

You are right. That is why I am not asking anymore. It does make me mad that I did ask so many times and got nothing but empty promises.

I am just being petty. He gassed my car yesterday. He gives me lots of attention, hugs, and kisses. He just won't buy me flowers because I keep asking for them. He is not an ogre. I will buy my own flowers - it will just come out of the grocery money. I guess I will cut the beer and chips this week.

What does H wish you would do (more of) for him?

ss2,

The flowers probably have more meaning than you might think. They are now symbolic of something to him.

And you are pushing him for something you don't understand.

Each time you push, he becomes more stubborn that you not get it.


What do they symbolize?


SB

SS2,

I understand what you are saying. My WW used to do so many little things for me. So many of those things stopped years ago.

That's where the MB stuff from the WS is 100% on the mark. The WS (and the BS) must make their spouse the #1 priority. Their needs before their own.
Flowers seem such a small thing...but they are huge!

For me, my WW kissing the back of my neck while I cook dinner....such a small thing...but really so huge.


Tried to tell my WW, that I would have killed (bad word choice there), to get and have the kind of attention she got while amid her A. She blinks and looks at me like I'm speaking russian.

Many WS don't realize, it's the little things that build the trust and faith of the BS. It's also neglecting the little things that hurt the BS so much. More so when the BS is trying hard to do those little things for the WS.

one of my wounds...this whole topic.

Sucks having to ask for flowers or a kiss on the back of the neck. Takes all the meaning out of it.

Sorta like the rich guy tossing his wife $1000 instead of taking her shopping and spending $100. Which means more?

I wait on him from the time we wake up until the time we go to bed. I cook three meals a day, do all the household chores, run the errands, handle the bills, and spend every free moment with him. I let him pick most of the TV and recreational activities. I am affectionate and never turn him down for SF. I workout w/him daily and try to look my best. I have been working on eliminating all LBs. I have asked him what would make him happy and he says that I am doing it. If I am missing something I don't know what it is.

Why do you think he had a 2 year affair?

To me they symbolize romantic love - my husband thinking of ME. I don't think that I cross his mind much when we are apart. He rarely calls. When I have made the comment, I love it when you buy me flowers, he says things like, "I was going to buy you some this week. I completely forgot. I'll get some next payday." Or," I thought about getting you some flowers today but they were wilted". Well I went to the same market the next day and the flowers were gorgeous.

He wanted help paying down our debt and I volunteered to go back to work. I worked 6 days a week late every night. I made over 100k per year. We didn't have time together. He started going out to bars w/friends from work and met a much younger woman that flirted w/him. I gained weight because I never had time to do anything but work. I knew something was wrong but he never told me the truth. I quit my job last November and found out shortly after that. The affair was 14 months not 2 years. I have changed everything that we think might have made this possible. We are both doing everything that we can to fix this. I just want my "old" loving husband back. I know that it will take many more months. I have been sick all week and my lovebank is low. I'm just tired and venting.

So you were d*mned if you did, and d*mned if you didn't? I don't buy this. I get that when you were working, you were focusing less on his ENs (unless FS was an EN and then your working was helping with that), so his love bank was being depleted. But this is where I guess I do NOT get the WS mentality. His LB was running low and perhaps in the red, so he decides to have an affair?

My LB has been solidly in the red for I don't know how long. The thought of having an affair has never crossed my mind. I understand the MB topics of Plan A, filling ENs etc. ,but there's a part of me that sits back and says "wait a minute, THEY made the really selfish decision to HAVE an affair and we're twisting ourselves into pretzels about it.

Boy oh boy isn't that the truth.

My love bank i think HAD to be further in the red thatn his for many years prior to the A but i did not go out and have one.

Stoopid waywards !!!!!

SS2,

I know what you feel. Doing so much for your WS.

We BS have done so much for our WS's.

What do we get in return? Not much. Maybe a kiss. A real kiss. one with feeling. one that makes you feel like you are the only person in the world.....

WW used to do that for me.

She still lights my fire. To me she is the most beautiful woman on the planet.

This is great stuff.......

but,

What things on this list hit a 10 and what things only hit a 2 or 1?

What I mean is....

If YOU have a high need for conversation and the two of you sit around for an hour talking about cars (or any topic extremely boring to you). Does that hit a 10 for you, or 3, or what, maybe a -2 ?? Your H may feel he gave you the hour you needed for conversation, but in reality may have blown it all, because it's not the right kind of conversations/topics!

Just because you meet a need doesn't mean you've hit the mark!

I recommend sitting down together and go through HNHN and read the questions at the end of each chapter. The questions in the book cover this very thing. HOW TO HIT THE MARK!

I'm not trying to discourage you, actually trying to encourage you to discover how to hit the 10's and ignore the 1's and 2's.
I hope that makes sense.


BTW, I do understand that the flowers issue triggers you.
(f)WH is being a knothead.

Thanks for all the great advice and help with this question. We are working through the books and are really trying to meet each others top needs. I have found a solution that will work for us. I thought about my husband asks for things. He doesn't place any special importance on things that he wants. He just very plainly asks for them. If he wants beer or chips, he asks me to get them for him. If he wants a fishing rod for a present, he will tell me all the details that I need to get the correct rod. He leaves nothing to chance. If he asked me to buy beer and I told him, "I was going to surprise you with beer but now I can't because you've ruined the surprise", he would think that I was nuts. I told him that flowers were like beer and chips to me. I want him to buy them for me because they make me happy. They don't have to be expensive and they don't have to be roses. I don't need to wait for the perfect time. I just needed him to show me that he cared about what I wanted. That analogy made total sense to him. I asked him to buy me flowers on the way home tonight and he happily agreed. He even said that if he forgot to send him back out for them because he wants me to have them if they will make me happy. We have been getting along far too well lately to overthink flowers. He thanked me for making it so simple and asked me to continue being direct. He said that he hated hints and subtlety. He feels like he misses the hints. So, I told him that I would like him to take me to lunch today and he did.

Bravo

GREAT JOB!!!!

Your husband may hate head games.

Hints are like head games to many men.

He just told you a big secret about himself that should work for you - which is:

Tell him what you want, and he will fill the need.


But I will tell you something about this. Be careful, because he may overfill the need. You might get too much of a good thing, and then you will have to tell him to slow down, which may confuse him. Be carfeul what you ask for.

Print this out and hand it to him.

I have gone through the exact same problem with the flowers. I would mention to my FWH that I would like flowers and he would say well I was going to get them for you but now you asked for them so they won't mean anything. At one point everytime he would ask me for something (a beer, his back scratched, anything) I would say "I was going to get that for you but now you asked" It took him a few says before he asked me what I was talking about and I explained it to him. I still did not get any flowers for a while.

The next time he did get me flowers I made sure to be very appreciative. I told him how beautiful they were and I gave him lots of affection.

He now does occasionally get me flowers and it is nice!

Your plan sounds like it would work if you really only wanted flowers and didn't care about what him getting them for you symbolizes. But you have said you want flowers because you want to know he thought about you when he was away from you. So my guess is that if you have to send him to the store to get you flowers like they were beer or chips then you still won't feel satisfied. I know I wouldn't.

But it may work if you really show him appreciation a couple of times, then hopefully he would start to think about it on his own.

stillstanding2,

Great job being direct with your H! Guys don't think the same way we do and they do not "get" hints. I really hope this works and he gets back in the habit of buying the flowers.

I have two things I want to touch on:

1. When he said he stopped and checked the flowers, but they were wilted, did you thank him for trying? I know you were hurt that he didn't actually buy them, but I wonder if it would have boosted him up and made him want to try again if you would have shown appreciation for the effort he made.

2.


The A didn't kill the romantic feelings. Missing ENs and making LBs killed the romantic feelings. You really need to pay attention to TST and what he's saying about making all your ENs count as a 10. That will bring back the romantic feelings.

It sounds like you came up with a great plan and he seems to understand where you're coming from.

Great job!

No, I didn't because it sounded like a lame excuse. I will remember to thank him for trying next time.


2.
I hadn't thought about it that way but of course you are right. We are both working overtime on meeting each other ENs and I know that I am impatient. I know that it will take months if not years to get to a place where we feel totally in love with each other and are really happy again. My husband really has been great. This is just hard for both of us. There is so much pain just under the surface still.


I have a dozen pretty pink roses on my dining table because my husband wants to make me happy and I am grateful. That is how I am looking at it.

Fantastic!!!

Good job! Men don't think like women - they tend to be very concrete - very much A+B=C. It sounds like your hubby is especially that way. Try to keep these phrases in mind: "I really like it when..." "I need.." "I would like it if you..." Notice they all start with "I". I'm a big proponent of that because it's non-accusatory. I think a lot of us BS's (and women in general) have trouble plainly stating what we want/need, because we're taught it's "rude" "not nice", etc. I call bullsh*t on that!