Hi,

I hope I am posting this in the correct forum. I am trying to keep it short but really would like some views on my situation.

I met my husband 9 years ago. I have one son from a previous relationship.We got engaged pretty quickly and also had another child together. We got married 6 years ago. Due to having kids first amd the wedding so shortly after we always struggled financially. 3.5 years ago my husband got an offer to work abroad as a contractor to earn more money for us. I wasn't happy with the decision but supported him as it was supposed to be for 2 years only. He wanted to come back and take his old job back after 2 years.

Anyway as it usually goes when you have more money - you spend more. We bought a house , had 2 fantastic holidays and spent around 10k on converting a bathroom, presents for the kids i.e.

The money just went out of the window like that - on top of everything else I was lonely like hell and didn't cope very well. Example: I would bring him to the airport after a week at home and couldn't face to go back to the empty house after -
So I went shopping instead - nothing major but regularly a few hundred. Not even for me but for the house, the kids, anything to not be home alone without him.

After 2 years we decided to make it 5 years as we had now the mortgage and more outgoings then ever.

Now I wasn't very happy in my job either so I quit end of last year to open a small retail store locally.
My husband wass against it from day one because of the looming recession - but I thought I supported him when he went so he could the same for me now.And from here on it went pear shaped. I found a retail unit and signed without telling him - I told him only after as I was afraid he would stop me.
I started trading in November last year and he seemed supportive in the end.He probably thought if you can't beat them join them.

Now fast forward 4 weeks ago. We are talking and skyping daily and he tells me how unhappy he is and that he loves me but is not in love with me anymore.he says that it started when I opened the shop and that he feels betrayed and that I didn't care about his future happyness when making my decision. He says he feels like my "slave" and that he is under huge financial pressure.

I am flying out to him this weekend to basically decide if we
call it quits or take a second go at our marriage.

In the last 4 weeks I have given up my store(today is my last day - will continuing to trade online from home) and have taken our kids out of childcare to save money and other things like reviewing insurances, setting up a savings account i.e. Everything to save my marriage.

Now the thing I can't get out of my head: The reason he told me all this 4 weeks ago: He met a female co-worker on his way home and they went for coffee together - he basically opened up to her and told her about his miserable life and the marriage problems we are having - just that I didn't know about it. She said to him - you should talk to your wife!
They have swapped phone numbers and I know they have texted and met at least once since - again by chance on the way home, he says.

I am willing to work on our marriage and solve the financial issue but can't get her out of my head

Cathy, welcome to MB! This is the best resource on the 'Net for a family in your situation. I encourage you to hit the 'Notify' button under your post and notify the moderators to "please move this thread to the GQII forum." If you don't know where that is, it's okay, there will be a link here to take you there. That's where the veterans here can help you.

Time is of the essence. On the List of Forums, there is a forum Just Found Out with threads specifically wriiten for this situation. I encourage you also to strongly consider calling the Harleys for marriage coaching.

My prayers are with you!

Cathy,

It sounds to me that despite the myriad of problems that existed, that your husband wasn't ready to call it quits until this woman came into the picture.

The reason you can't get that out of your mind is because it's a huge red flag. Your dishonesty, the separation, etc all contributed to the poor and vulnerable state of this marriage....but you've rightly figured out that the timing has everything to do with another woman. GQII is the best place for this thread.

((((((((((cathy)))))))))))))

Don't give up yet.

The thing is we slept together until 5 weeks ago - when he was home last - even if I thought something was wrong - how bad could it be when we still have sex. Now he doesn't want it anymore.

Cathy, sorry you are here. What has happened here is that your H's traveling job along with your lovebusters [Independent behavior] has led to an AFFAIR. Your marriage was made vulnerable by these many facets which led to your H having an affair. This is why he is considering ending the marriage.

When he says "that he loves me but is not in love with me anymore" this means there is a new point of COMPARISON in his life. And that is the OW. This is the CLASSIC statement of someone who is in an affair.

What it will take to recover your marriage are a lot of changes, but the first one on the list has to be a complete end to his affair with this woman. There is hope if that happens.

Do you know who the woman is? Is she married?

No, I don't know her. She works with him. I asked him if she is single and he said that he didn't feel like it's his place to ask.

he will not give up his friendship as he says I am paranoid.

You have a problem, Cathy. Can you call her up and have a chat? He may be lying to her about his marital status ["we are separated"] Let her know that you know about her relationship with your H and ask her what her intentions are. Let her start talking.

Do you have her name and hometown? If you do, you can look her up on www.intelius.com and see if a mans name is next to hers. If you can get her home phone #, you can also call her house and see who answers.

I'd say a 97% probability he is in an A.

DUDE

I need advise what to do please

I was supposed to fly over to him tomorrow but everything came to a head this morning on the phone and I basically forced him to make a decision as I did not want to fly over there and get dumped.So after 2 hours heated conversation and him getting more angry by the minute he said it's over.

An hour later we spoke again - him now without anger as if someone flipped a switch - i presume the pressure was gone after him making a decision.
This time the conversation was different - lots of tears on both sides - anyway in the end he offered to give it another shot but under certain conditions - he will come home as planned in 2 weeks and we will make it about us, not our marriage - basically going on dates, knowing each other again -but he wants separate beds.

I am not sure what to do now - am I just kidding myself or should I give it a shot?

I am going through the motions right now and am so confused.

Cathy34 - your WH is doing what every cheater tries to do. He wants both a wife AND girlfriends, and he has just won the battle to have exactly that.

Look at what happened. You got mad at him on the phone, so he bullied you and threatened you and told you "it's over".

An hour later, with you bullied into submission (which is why he was calm this time), he "generously" offers to come back home and let you keep his house and care for his child and do his laundry and cook his food while he is free to date his girlfriend whenever he feels like it.

Maybe someone can pull up the thread about Boundaries. If you agree to his wretched, insulting offer, you will be proving that you have no boundaries, you'll put up with anything to keep him, and make him and his girlfriend VERY happy.

Don't fall for this, unless you're content to be just a face in his crowd. Let him get furious, let him move out and file for divorce, but DON'T try to force yourself to be his part-time girlfriend instead of his wife just so he won't leave.

He's playing you big time. PLEASE don't fall for this.
Mulan

Cathy you wont be able to get her out of your head till its AGREED that she is a threat to the M if your H wants to work on this. He is possibly in a PA at this point. And till theres NC to this women all together it will continue to be a threat to the M.

There are many issues that both of you need to work on together.
I wouldnt hold back in going on this trip I would go and dig and see just how deep this OW is in the picture and make your place known. Dig while out.

And unless u feel its right to have seperate beds then do it but I wouldnt do it. He wants to be a husband and take you out etc... Theres more then just going out. You and him need to have boundaries.

What bothers me the most is you saying he wont give up his friendship when shes a threat is a MAJOR red flag.

He is coming home on the 12th. I hired a private investigator to check him out over there for the 3 days prior to that.

If they find something it's over - if not I will give it another shot

Hi Cathy,
Did you hire the private investigator you talked about? Did you find out anything?

Hi,

I tried but it's not that easy - he is working abroad - I mailed again 3 agencies tonight so will see.

He is home at the moment but flying back Monday - I thought she might pick him up from the airport - I was able to check his call list today on his phone and she rang him just before he flew home to me - maybe she brought him to the airport - I don't know.

Find a PI agency that specializes in online snooping. It doesnt' matter where they work out of.

I don't think there will be anything online to find - more personal contact I suspect

Now he is home at the moment anyway - has lost around 10kg - doesn't sleep well - came in from the airport where I had picked him up - sat down and cried and said: " I don't belong here anymore".

Are these the signs of someone cheating? I really don't know anymore.

We are sleeping in the same bed but we have no physical contact whatsoever - it actually crossed my mind that he might not want to cheat on her with me.

The only thing I could find in his phone record was that she called him just before he left to come home to me.

I know there are sim card readers you can buy that can read deleted text messages too, when is he going back?

I guarantee they are texting each other. The right PI can find it.

He is feeling the guilt. Have you told his mother and father yet what he is doing?

Catperson,

would you be able to put me in the right direction in regards of such an PI as I have no idea where to start to find one.
I would be much more comfortable with the online snooping to be honest then physical.

Sorry, no idea. You'll just have to Google it.

Yes, these are the signs of someone cheating.

At this point, you need to assume that he is cheating.

If you are unable to actually GET more info from phone logs, the internet, or a PI, you might consider bluffing him. This will take a good solid plan, but can be done. A number of betrayed husbands on this site have used the technique very well and their wives have spilled the beans.

You need to act NOW in some form or another. Perhaps not by confronting just yet, but by doing something to come up with information. Right now, you seem to be stuck in the shock of it all.


Exactly right.

Remember, it doesn't really matter that you don't know EVERYTHING. You DO know that he is cheating. And HE knows that he is cheating.

If you confront, be prepared for it to be worse than you are expecting. Be prepared for his denials and DO NOT BACK DOWN from what you KNOW is true. Do NOT accept his lies as being possible truth.

I am not saying to confront, but understand that IF he goes back, you are stuck and he is back in fantasyland/paradise, while you are here alone and with no way to work on your marriage. Do not hesitate. Do not stall.

Stop worrying about what you are comfortable with. Your family is in danger.

Your H is not worried about sleeping with another woman. Why on earth should YOU be worried about snooping???? Which is worse? Adultery or snooping?

Snoop in the most aggressive manner possible.

Oh by the way the no sex and physical contact is out of the wondow - slept with him twice - I know big mistake

Why spend one minute snooping? He is at least showing signs of remorse, and he is now here and not abroad with that other woman.

You need to be open to his having had an affair and decide if you could accept it. If not, I'd just boot him out. It's not "guilty until proven innocent." The circumstantial evidence is so strong that you'd be wasting money on a PI.

Try to undestand how he feels and his point of view and try to be as non judgmental as possible. Let him say all the nasty things he's going to say to try to justify his behavior.

If he's home, I think he's trying to make the marriage a go. If he goes back, let him. Don't plead. Let him go. This needs to be his decision, not yours. It's his life, even if it impacts you. How you handle his decision is your decision.

Cherished

Have you read SAA or His Needs Her needs? Seems like this would be a terrific time to Plan A your butt off if you want to save your M. He seems at least open to you if he wants to have sex. Remind him of why he married you in the first place!

God's Blessings,

Say

The thing about the affair is - I don't actually know if he has one or not. He swears he doesn't have or had an affair or even has feelings for someone else.
He spoke to the female co-worker as he wanted a female point of view.He thought she might understand me and my actions but now he says she doesn't understand me either.
He is so hurt that after 10 years of being together I still don't trust him and he is correct, I don't.
I have made a counselling appointment for myself to deal with my jealousy.
He was home for one week but flew back to work today. At least he is wearing his wedding ring again - we have a lot to work on - I gave him the questionair about love busters and emotional needs to fill out - I hope that helps me understanding him a little better.

Yeah,

Plan A is about meeting emotional needs. You would have broken a big one of mine by being spendthrift and opening another business without my OK.

You need to be tighter in your communication.Have a budget discussion and find out where you are going. Sending your husband off on continuous business trips is one GOOD way to kill the romance.

The thing is that I can't stop his business trips - that's his job - he has a flat abroad for the last 4 years and is only home every 4 weeks - as a contractor he could loose his job any day - he was in 3 countries over the last 4 years.

I will continue to try to find out if there is someone else and also do Plan A anyway - I will also fill out the emotional needs and Love Busters questionair - our needs are so different.

Hi, and welcome.

You seriously need to start working on yourself. You A. SERIOUSLY need to stop spending money for pleasure- this is your children's future that you are screwing up.

People sometimes forget that if you are here and working on saving your M- you need to become the type of person that can be responsible for 1/2 the M. There is more to MB than catching a cheater. Yes, that is important- but why do that if there is no plan for the M to work anyway?

How much debt are you in? How much of this did you personally create without his approval? How much did you loose (you don't need to give numbers- just keep them to yourself) in your single handed buisness deal? why are you hiring 3 P.I.'s to investigate HIM- when money issues sounds like drove you like an avalanche to this state in the first place?

What if you H did that type of thing to you? What are you doing to correct this problem?

My .02 is to work on your own issues. Shopping is NOT fun when you are loosing your family to debt. It is a serious problem.

I know- I have had similar issues -- 1/2 the economy 1/2 MY OWN CREATION- and it will take me one or two years to work off this debt.
Thank GOD I woke up and still have a great job to help me recover.
There are debt reduction plans out there,