Not sure where to go - 05/06/09 03:26 PM
I am feeling like a huge idiot. Posted all this bs almost 2 years ago about I was leaving if this/that/ Well here I am. Still miserable. I don't think I ever posted about going to a marriage counselor. We did. Was a HUGE waste of time. He lied to her then got insulted and said she was picking on him. I felt this was pretty silly, really what did she care? She basically told me I needed to get out. He was going to continue to manipulate me, demean me, etc. Some issues come up that he needs to deal with, he would admit them with one breath and deny them with the next.
We have had some good times and bad times over the past two years. Here is the problem. One of the things that happens is he totally disregards my feelings and likes to make me feel insignificant, especially if it comes between my feelings and some one else's. Therapist pointed this out as well. This has happened several times over the years. Usually I just would swallow it and move on. However, since the therapist pointed out that his doing this was what gave him the sense of entitlement to the affair, I am not willing to put up with it anymore.
This started happening on a more regular basis. Two instances pretty close together. His comment, no, he didn't do it, no he didn't mean to do it. Then that is followed up with, our relationship works when you want it to, You just want me to pay for this affair for the rest of my life. The thing is, I just don't think I can do it anymore. I left my guard down, start to feel close to him again, then he turns around and squashes me down, does something to make me feel like I don't matter, like I am scum. The therapist said as long as I accept this treatment, he will have another affair. She felt pretty confident he would anyway based on the way therapy went.
So I guess, today I am feeling like, what the hell is wrong with me that I can't just say, ok enough is enough, I am out the door? Haven't had sex in forever, he hasn't really approached me for it either. Don't think he is having another affair. No closeness, feels basically like we are roommates. Doesn't really seem to be bothering him too terribly much.
Maybe I just needed to stay this long to make sure that I did try, that I gave us a chance to get somewhere close to where we were. I remember everyone saying it took a few years to rebuild. I just don't feel like we have done any of that.
I don't know if there are people here who weren't able to rebuild. I guess that's what I am looking for. How do you know when you have done everything you can do and what helps you come to the realization that it just isn't going to work?
We have had some good times and bad times over the past two years. Here is the problem. One of the things that happens is he totally disregards my feelings and likes to make me feel insignificant, especially if it comes between my feelings and some one else's. Therapist pointed this out as well. This has happened several times over the years. Usually I just would swallow it and move on. However, since the therapist pointed out that his doing this was what gave him the sense of entitlement to the affair, I am not willing to put up with it anymore.
This started happening on a more regular basis. Two instances pretty close together. His comment, no, he didn't do it, no he didn't mean to do it. Then that is followed up with, our relationship works when you want it to, You just want me to pay for this affair for the rest of my life. The thing is, I just don't think I can do it anymore. I left my guard down, start to feel close to him again, then he turns around and squashes me down, does something to make me feel like I don't matter, like I am scum. The therapist said as long as I accept this treatment, he will have another affair. She felt pretty confident he would anyway based on the way therapy went.
So I guess, today I am feeling like, what the hell is wrong with me that I can't just say, ok enough is enough, I am out the door? Haven't had sex in forever, he hasn't really approached me for it either. Don't think he is having another affair. No closeness, feels basically like we are roommates. Doesn't really seem to be bothering him too terribly much.
Maybe I just needed to stay this long to make sure that I did try, that I gave us a chance to get somewhere close to where we were. I remember everyone saying it took a few years to rebuild. I just don't feel like we have done any of that.
I don't know if there are people here who weren't able to rebuild. I guess that's what I am looking for. How do you know when you have done everything you can do and what helps you come to the realization that it just isn't going to work?