Is it just me or does it seem like there is a preponderance of ws who are doctor's? Mine, DNUI, and at least another that escapes me at the moment.

Is it the profession, the "god complex" that comes with the position?

How many more are out there on the board- just taking notes here, and seeing if there is a pattern or maybe I am just seeing a pattern that isn't there (kinda like when you buy a car and then see everyone else driving the same one).

i think you are seeing a pattern where none really exists. WSs are all selfish and come from many professions. Look at stay at home mothers...there are a lot of those on here.

fair enough. Just my imagination.

I do agree that WS can and do come from any background and profession...

but babyonboard, I am one of the other BS whose WS is a doctor also. And a WS with repeated affairs....a mess to be sure.

And at least for my WS, I do think that the profession had to do something with it...because that is how he met all of his affair partners. And it was something of a "rescue" mission with all of them...yuck.

I was ready for plan B/D but at the last minute, he told me the affair was over and that he wanted to work on us. I don't know what to do....

Actually bob, I think you have a valid point.

Although waywards come from all professions, some do seem more prevelent. It seems to center around those with some type of "power" over others.

I have been in banking for 27 years, and when I first started, I remember an old saying that was told to new lenders ... "Never loan money to anyone whose occupation begins with a P". Now some may find it offensive to stereotype professions, but after 27 years, I have noticed the correlation myself. Using those same observations, I've seen the same correlation with waywards here ... think about it ... (i.e. Physicians, Policemen, Preachers, Politicians, etc.). And, FWIW, all of these occupations are historically poor credit risks, even though some of them make HUGE $$$.

These professions seem to carry "power" over certain individuals, and we all have seen how power corrupts. So I think it is logical that power could easily corrupt an individual and make them more likely to take advantage of that "power".

Anyway ... just food for thought and discussion.

If you use the statistical data that ______% of marriages will suffer adultery, then you could reasonably crunch the numbers and correlate that _______% of people in the ______________ profession will be WS or BS.

But yes, things do appear to trend at times.

SMB and I were talking about this at one time, and she said it very well.

How about this:

"doctors" tend to make alot of money. And work long hours. And are genrally pretty bright people.

OP? They are looking to "move up" And guess who a good target to "move up" with.

Someone with alot of $$$.

So, its a volitale mix.

And its true of other professions as well.

But affairs are equal opportunity destroyers.

When 50% of all marriages are affected, its pretty hard to think that doctors are overly represented in that pool. How about "doctors spouses"?

LG

I was thinking about about the predatory factor myself. I know that the ow in my case is an OT which does make alot of money, but she is well to do anyway. Her dad is a Dentist and her brother is professional football player for NC. She has a 400k condo in Chicago and is in no way hurting for money. But all the info I have on her points to a barracuda in the sense that she made sure that she was going to get what she wanted from my H before she kicked her bf out.

As far as Doctors spouses, I can't really shed any light on that. All I can say is that it was a very lonely existence, but I respected my H and my M enough to not let that be an excuse, and yes I had plenty of opportunities.

MYREV, very interesting. I was also thinking about the power factor in other professions- especially with the Edward's thing back in the headline.

This is an interesting observation. I was going to post the folowing comment in DNU1's thread, but this is probably a better place.

My FWH's clients are all physicians. He notices a strong streak of god complex/arrogance in them. He has also reported a number of affairs among his clients.

I think some of the explanation is the power angle and opportunity aspects mentioned upthread.

Some of it may also be due to their sense of entitlement. These physicians are typically the cream of the scholastic crop (more so the middle age and older). They make incredible sacrifices for their profession at a time when most of us were out dating and having fun. They unquestionably serve a critical need in our society. They find themselves in the role of caregiver when that may go against their personality type. I think all these factors combine to lead them to conclude that they are entitled to indulge themselves when the opportunity comes along. Maybe they get emotionally stunted by missing out on all the fun in their 20's.

Just speculation on my part.

babyonboard,
My XW is a physician in a surgical specialty. I think docs in general have high ENs for Admiration and Domestic Support. Surgical specialists are highly narcissitic too. Spend lots of time at work and have patients, nurses, techs, etc. sucking up to them all day long. They are married to their career, not to you. The marriage is neglected and prioritized beneath their career. I guess if your top EN is Financial Support and you can get all of your other ENs met by others or yourself, then possibly this can work. Not in my case.

I'm another doctor's spouse. I definitely think his profession changed him for the worse.

I started a long rant here but decided to delete it. It takes a very strong character to maintain some humility in the face of the ego-building in that profession.

And there are plenty of predators who are drawn to doctors.

Someone needs to tell them that they get halitosis and flatulence like the rest of us. :twobyfour:

i liken this to saying, there is a higher occurrence of infidelity in politicians (or actors/actresses). it is kind of like airplane crashes. there are not that many, but they are plastered all over the news, so we think they happen much more often than they really do. i agree that infedility is an equal opportunity destroyer

I have seen two new BS's on the boards in just the short time I've been here and both of these men were doctors. I believe the "equal opportunity destroyer" phrase suits the discussion well.

FWIW, I can see one major common denominator in ALL cases of infidelity..... The wayward has a life that is filled with "Independent Behaviors" that goes unchecked.

Hi all,

I made a statement to DNU on several of his threads concerning his W's profession. ON his latest I pointed out that without a doubt the most "ruthless" WS I have ever seen where in her profession.

I agree that the cheating is not limited to one or even a few professions but the combination of "good" income, power in a hospital and being surrounded with people that offer more respect than is warranted is very seductive. Further, medical doctors don't seem to worry about the "cost" of these things emotionally as they hold other things as "more important."

Having said this, we have had more than a few BS's who were/are medical doctors and they were devastated by their W's betrayal. ONe of them even ended up saving the OM's life in surgery. So it still does work both ways.

I got to ask MyRev, what about physicists???

God Bless,

JL

And Psychics.......and Palm Readers?

Don't know???

I've never loaned money to a physicist ... actually, you're the first one I've ever met ... and we've NEVER MET!

What's your credit score??? ... and what is the purpose of this loan???

Wow. Talk about nerves of steel.

Wow!

Can you imagine being that BH Surgeon?

Just as OM is slipping into darkness from the anesthesia, leaning over with a big smile hidden by the surgical mask and saying, “So Mr. OM, are you sure you want to go through with your voluntary castration?”

I am an MD and a BS who never came even remotely close to either an EA or a PA in 11 years of M and 13 years of loyal "togetherness". I was stunned, devastated, and betrayed beyond belief by my (now) xWW's affair....no, she is NOT a doctor.

Sadly, I know of 3 male & 1 female physician-colleagues who are likewise currently going through the same misery with their active-WS...none of whom are physicians. I also know 1 fellow-MD who is currently the WH and divorcing. It comes in all stripes and hits all professions. Hopefully I am not the exception, but my W was the ONLY partner for me and that was for life until she had the A and demanded a D to re-marry her OM (who himself had burned through 3 marriages and 3 adulteries).

JL,

I am just one such physician-BH who works in surgery. I'd like to have the chance you described with the OM under my charge--as much as I'd like to fantasize about "making a big mistake" on him, I know that I would never do anything less than my absolute best and leave it up to God.

SDCWman,

If I were not having such a hectic day, I could remember the poster who did this. He was an ER doc and he ended up operating and saving OM's life after a car wreck which included his WW. Divorce followed.

This is bugging me, he is a good guy and good poster here. I know Pep or Mel can remember his name.

When I mentioned the "ruthless" WS's the ones I remember were the ones whose spouse (male and female) put them through med school, got the loans paid of and they Doc said,"See Ya!" and off they went. Interestingly, in my experience it was more often the female docs that did this,but a few male ones as well. It was simply "cold blooded".

I always find it interesting that a spouse doesn't mind spending the money, but then complains about the hours and profession that allows the money to flow. And they sure do want their "share" in divorce as well, let's see...split the money, I get the house, I get the good car, I get support, and let's not forget those kids they need to live like kings and queens.

Always reminded me of the country song, whose catch phrase was: "We got divorced and split everything down the middle, she got the elevator and I got the shaft." Always like that tune.

SDCWman, I'll remember that poster at some point and post it to you.

JL

Lemonman.

Yup Ap,

That is the man alright. If the search function were working it is a rather amazing story. Cool guy too. I hope his life has turned out as well as it really should.

JL

Last I heard he was madly in love.

Couldn't happen to a better man.

JL

Wouldn't surprise me. But IMO doctors, especially males, have many risk factors for infidelity outside their control, including:

1) Long hours, overnights away from home - on-call, conferences.
2) Big workplaces with many youngish co-workers with whom close contact is needed.
3) A desire, IMO, of women to be intimate with the 'boss'.
4) Some women (fewer than before) want not any old boss but a doctor.

I think when you correct for these things doctors are probably as faithful or unfaithful as any. Not that anyone's ever done a study.

I don't like to believe 5) as suggested by some:

5) Doctors are nasty entitled people who think they're God.

These days I don't think the public believes doctors are God any more than doctors do.

IME docs are more inclined to hide their profession than boast about it.

PS MYREV - doctors are a poor credit risk - really? Why?

my Rev ....


PILOTS



Yeppers

I saved lemonman's thread in my favorites. The properties are:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...mp;Number=1219497&page=1&fpart=1

I cleaned it up for the new syntax and that thread number (1219497) now points to Idiotville so threads must have been shuffled somehow when the website was upgraded.

Man am I good?

Found it.

lemonman's story

SD- I want to say that I am truly sorry for your pain, no person should go through what we are experiencing. Like I mentioned when I opened this thread it just seemed like I was reading a lot of threads with WS as DR. Probably just a coincidence.

There are some interesting points that have been made. I too do not believe that all Drs are entitled, arrogant selfish people. But I did find the point interesting about the profession possibly being more susceptible to affairs due to long hours, overnights, conferences etc. As well as those who target powerful people and try to seduce them.

I will be the first to say that with all my heart I know my H did not go looking for this. She hunted him, but he still took the bait. And if my H were truly honest he would tell you that I ALWAYS WARNED him about people like her. Repeatedly I told him that he would someday find himself in a bad position if he didn't learn to read people better. I have seen women throw themselves at him right in front of me, and he really had no clue. He had no clue I was interested in him when we met, it took 6 weeks of my best work to clue him in. As I mentioned in my thread he is one of those book smart, hard working men, but totally clueless every where else.

Have you found that to be the case as well sdcwman? about women throwing themselves at you?

as far as credit, my H never pd anything on time, even when he had the money.

Well, my STBxWW had affairs with two other doctors, and one POS former hunt buddy of mine. So that that for what it's worth.

I seriously don't feel like she has a god commplex at all. She hangs with the nurses at the hospital and generally doesn't like the surgeons, bitching about them all the time. They are what she calls a "necessary evil." But OM#3 was a person whom she once very much disliked.

I think with my WW it's more about weak boundaries and serious mental issues regarding self esteem, needing attention, needing emotional connection. MC agrees.

When I served the D papers she kept asking for another chance, would do anything to make this right, anything to make this up to me. No God complex, you-can't-do-this-to-me attitude. She was a broken woman. And she needs to face the music.

bob

GM is a doctor, his father was as well and both of them were horrible, very long term, in your face cheaters. I wish I had known.

In GM's case it was some of the God complex, he certainly had plenty of that, but he went looking. If he wasn't basking in the glow of women hanging off of him he was out looking for sex. Apparently he pays on time (oh that was so not funny but you know....).

Here it was entitlement. He never had any reason to do what he did except he felt it was his right to do whatever he wanted to. Entitlement and IB's.

I am certain that entitlement is not restricted to physicians but it is certainly a trait that many of them seem full of. I can very quickly count enough to use both hands who I know and know are cheaters. These are just the men (they are all men but I am certain it is not restricted to men) who were not afraid of anyone knowing, it is out in the open.

Well, as a lurker looking for answers I could not resist, I guess that I am the wayward one, and a Doctor. As a surgeon no doubt my credit rating is better than physicians.

I have been having an EA with one of my residents for a year now. Never progressed, partly good reasons, partly bad. Mostly she displayed more integrity than I ever did. It's over now apart from facebook as she moved 2000 miles away.

My wife of 20 years does not know, and I am not ready to tell.

Fox,

Are you looking for answers to improve your M? Are you wondering why you got involved with a subordinate? Is this your first EA? What made you post after lurking for a time? Did you ever have integrity? If so, are you missing it and wanting to get it back?

Would you start your own thread? My H and I found this site, the materials on it and Dr. Harly's books very helpful. I recommend you read Dr. Harley's book, Surviving an Affair. It includes EAs. And, by the way, stay off the facebook and have NO CONTACT with OW.

AM

Thank you for sharing FX, do you mind if I ask is your wife a doc, and why do you think you went down this path?

I ask this because sometimes I wondered if me not be in the med field added to the stress on our relationship. There were things he would talk about that I would just never fully comprehend. In the beginning of our R I would ask him if the fact I wasn't in the med field bothered him and he always replied you make a more well rounded person, but in the back of my mind I always new that if he ever left it would be for someone in his chosen field. I just never expected and OT I always thought another doc.

I have been faithful to my wife (except this EA) for 20 years, and indeed have fended of more than a few advances from colleagues, nurses and patients. So how did this happen? Until I understand myself I shall struggle to explain to anyone else.

I am in charge of the residents programme, including appointments, and first met the OW in an interview situation. She stood out because of her compassion and commitment, having given up a great deal to go to med school, and then migrating to my country to specialize.

Over the years we grew close, but always professional, there was a certain amount of flirting. I knew she was single but had no idea if there was some fellow in the background. A year ago we went together to a conference and went out as friends in the evening, drinking and dancing. I suppose that this was the point that the friendship became an EA, at least on my part, as I didn't tell my wife the full truth. Since then we met a couple of times a month, I had assigned her to a post 45 minutes away, just for coffee and a chat, and only about professional issues, but I found these to be the highlights of my week. She was due to rotate back to my institute in august. She was one of our best residents, universally popular with patients and a naturally skilled surgeon.

She went back to her home country for Christmas, and in late January texted me that she wanted to meet me in a bar. I met up with her alone and she announced that she was dropping out of the programme to return home. We talked for some hours with me trying to disuade her. She was homesick, and wanting at the age of 34 to settle down and start a family finding no luck with the men in this country.

I couldn't sleep that night, and I rang her next day to meet in a bar to talk once more. I was crazy, and sometimes still am. I suggested that she should defer her resignation and that I would leave my wife and 2 boys for her, and a new life. She handled it very well, making clear both her affection for me and that she did not want me to ruin my life for her.

We subsequently met a few times to talk in the same bar, and I stayed sane. She left for her own country in early April, with just 2 emails since. I will never meet her again but I am sure that I will remember her until my dying day. My wife has spotted my upset, but just thinks that I am under pressure at work. I know that I should talk it through with her, but in my present state of mind I could not take it. I know that it was a one off, and will not be repeated, so see no urgency in honesty.

Tolstoy thought that all happy families look alike, all unhappy ones are unique in their misery. Next to some of the stories on here mine is pretty feeble. I don't know what to do next so surfing led me here.

Medicine is a gruelling life (knife before life, knife before wife, goes the adage), with an emotional intensity and proximity to others that lends itself to affairs. This is the closest that I have come, and if I had picked another with less integrity then tv outcome may be different. For better or for worse?

I know she is struggling with this as much as me. To quote Robert burns:

Ae fond kiss and then we sever
Ae fond kiss, alas forever,
Had we never met,
Or never parted,
We should not be so broken hearted.

Burns was a famous womanizer!

My wife is a nurse, so understands the life. Once I had integrity, now it seems that I am no better than anyother cheat. I love my boys, if not my wife at present, and could not inflict such pain on them. If I had received a different response in the bar I don't know if I could have gone through with it, though there would have been some risk.

I don't know what I want anymore, so shall do nothing for present.

Oh but there is an urgency for honesty. You will repeat this behaviour unless you fix your boundaries and repair your M.

Please start a thread for yourself and people here will guide with a plan.
On the list of threads, look in the top right corner above 'topics', there is a button for 'new topic', don't forget to title it.

Welcome to the MB site Foxinsox.

YES, FoxinSox there is MAJOR urgency for honesty for your WIFE...You are treating her like she is your PET...She has every right to this vital information about HER LIFE...You are robbing her of her choices, and it's despicable...

Do yourself and the rest of us a favor and knock off the lovesick teenage poems...Your adultery is NOT one bit romantic...It is sick, twisted and wrong...You have dishonored yourself and your family...

What is your goal here on MB? Do you want to change? I suggest starting your own thread...

Mrs. W

I know that I have behaved despicably, I am ashamed of myself.

But I am not ready to explain yet, too much going on in my head.

I shall return to lurking for a while. Just got tempted by the discussion about doctors.

If I wasn't interested in fixing things I wouldn't be here.

bob, you not being in the medical field had NOTHING to do with WH's A. Period. Don't blame yourself for that.



I'm not a Dr. nor am I married to one.
I have worked with students/residents/specialists/consultants in the medical field for the most part of 25yrs. in a critical care setting, as an RN.
I've seen the 'God am I' complex that my revelation mentioned and the Dr.s that I knew of having A's, had this attitude.
The A's that I remember were with RN's or other similar support people.
IMO, boundaries need to be tighter when working in specialty areas. You work so closely with each other, all hours of the night, and deal with horrific human tragedies.
One thing that sticks out in my mind about that one type of attitude is that they didn't talk much about their spouse or family, almost like they didn't exist.
The other Dr.s who were not of that attitude which was most of them btw, did speak of their spouse and family in a caring way.

Fox,

If you are waiting for some magic feeling to overtake you, you may as well give up now...That won't happen...Feelings follow actions...Do the right thing, we will help guide you through it...No one ever regrets doing the right thing...

Mrs. W

And Fox, the longer you wait, the more you compound the crime...Everyday that you don't tell your wife is a day that she will know that her life was a LIE...You shatter her a little more every single second that you keep this dirty secret...That is CRUEL, Fox...Doesn't the mother of your children deserve more than this?

Mrs. W

Fox, did you notice that Mrs. W is a former wayward wife and she explains this to a tee.
As a betrayed wife, I can tell you that it is in your best interest to tell her yourself before she finds out on her own. This is much, much more horrific than it already will be.
Man up and start a thread!

Point taken. I shall plan my confession. Women are tougher than men on emotional infidelity it seems. I shouldn't expect much sympathy from those on the receiving end.

Sorry to have hijacked bobs thread. Doctors are a bit megalomaniac this way.

Fox...

Stick around, start a thread AND make sure you send your wife here when you tell her, she is going to need the support...

By the way, it's often said around here that "adultery is an equal opportunity destroyer", men take it just as hard as women, so you are wrong there...And of course you shouldn't expect "sympathy", you are the NOT the victim, but rather the PERP...Sympathy is reserved for the victims, rightfully so, yes?

Also, should your wife decide to try and recover with you, click on both the Coaching Center and MB Online Seminar links at the top of the page...Those are both fabulous resources to help the two of you through the process in the correct manner...Marital recovery is a very narrow path, guidance from experts like the Harleys would be best...

When will you be telling her, Fox?

Mrs. W

Fox,

While you are 'planning' your confession, start a thread of your own. Copy and paste your story.
Unless you have read on other threads how to go about this, the board can guide you and your BW through this.
And I wouldn't assume that women are tougher with infidelity, men are crushed too, you just haven't been on the receiving end.
You won't get sympathy, but you will get the truth about your thinking and your actions.
You are kidding yourself, you are putting off for tomorrow what you need to do today.

START a thread, get a PLAN, fix your thinking, heal your BW and repair your M.

Thnx V for what you said. Funny my WH is a pulmonary and cc doc. He met his ow during a research project and yes their "friendship escalated at the ATS conference last year. How sweet for them their one year anniversary is coming up. BARF!

Fox,
It is brutal but honest here, but worth it. I am glad I flushed you out so to speak with this thread so don't worry about the TJ. We helped each other. Good luck to you I sincerely you hope you can figure things out and make it right again for you and your family.

I told my friend who was having marital probs- no op, just probs- that you married your wife for a reason and life gets complicated and messy but those reasons are still buried in there. Dig deep, remember what those reasons where and focus on those things. Too often, imho, we let life (job stress, commutes, bills, etc.) get in the way of our own happiness at home and try to seek quick fixes (divorce) or immediate gratification (affairs).

You chose your wife to be your partner for life, to have a family with, to grow old with. You both deserve to be the best partner you can for each other.

I am surprised it hasn't been mentioned here yet....but anyone remember momto3boys and dadto3boys....

Dad was a doctor who had an affair with a nurse....ow even got pregnant and had oc....

Mom and dad were both members here and even ended up on Dr. Phil. Last I heard dad went back to OW. Anyone heard from mom at all?

The story tho is something to read...you can get some info on the mind of a wayward Dr from it if interested.

Thanks will do.

Hey, BOB (any thoughts about changing that "handle" yet?")

Certainly Dr's. are a target for A's. They have HUGE egos, lots of time away from home, work long hours, and have money - and get admired (at first glace, at least) by one and all.

OM and OW are wonderful at meeting temporary emotional needs, they can make themselves very available for time, and they seem to like money.

Formula for disaster, IMHO

Mrs. W,

I said PRECISELY those things to my WW at the time...word for word and over and over. She stubbornly and belligerently refused to acknowledge their truth and validity ("You just read that stuff in a book, you are just saying that to get me to do what you want!").

Boy, your words were a bolt from the blue and a blast from the past for me...

I still say these people need to be reminded that they have flatulence and halitosis like everyone else. They're not gods...they are just highly specialized mechanics.

It's like with any profession, a few can give the whole lot a bad wrap.
Every job is needed, just think where we'd be if no one emptied septic tanks.

I think that doctors are unfortunately prime people to have affairs and to have spouses who have affairs. I think that doctors are probably % proportionately more involved in this than people of similar background who are not doctors.

As an attending trauma and critical care surgeon many years removed from chief residency, I still very easily work 70 hour weeks. The intimacy that is shared with work colleagues (opposite sex) can easily be a lead in for an affair. I never got caught up in it, but I have seen many a good intentioned colleague slip that slippery slope. First, its's the bonding over being in the OR at 3 am on a Sunday morning....then it's a shared coffee...then it's a text message....before you know it....a full blown affair is born.

I think as a doctor it is very easy to get caught up in the "healer" complex. Depending on the situation, one can be perceived as this higher than God-like person, and soon one starts believing it.

I was in the end a casualty to an affair...My XWW had the affair. It took a long time and me getting help to heal myself before I accepted my part in allowing this situation to come to fruition. I am a workaholic. I chose to marry my profession, I chose to never say "no" to an extra surgical call or backing up a colleague and I paid a heavy price for this. Years later I am in the game again...trying to learn from the heartbreak of the past. As a doctor, it is hard FOR ME to be find the right balance. I love my job and I love my patients...it's sometimes very hard to STOP doing that so I can do the same for my wife and child. I struggle with this today...as I feel alot of doctors do. I will NOT relive history, so it is incumbent on me to prevent it from repeating itself. It is quite distressing to see how many affairs take place in a hospital. Those of you who are doctors or doctors spouses know what I am talking about. The lifestyle is a breeding ground for an affair....I wish it weren't the case, but it is. that's sad.

LM

This post above is SO TRUE that I cringe just reading it.

LM

Hey, Sour Guy!!!! Good to see you!!! How about an update?

Hugs,

BB

LM,

I read your old posts and have to say you and I are very much in sync. I am glad to see you back here. I am a military intelligence officer and like you i would imagine, there is no "I'll get to it tomorrow."

No. It has to be done now. It doesn't matter how many hours you have been on duty, or when you slept last. There is no other option. It does come at tremendous cost to those who love you though, doesn't it.

SWW

Yeah Lemonman, We were talking about you before. Believer says that you are in love. Whats the deal?