Q: What kind of person goofily, mirthfully whispers "Happy d-day" one morning, with a smile on her lips, to the man who crushed her heart a year ago?
A: The best person I have ever known, my wife.

I only found MB about 5 months ago. I wake up every morning wishing I'd never put myself in a situation where I'd have had any interest in searching for such a site. But having needed it, I wish I'd found it sooner. I'm grateful for all who have weighed in, to challenge me, to 2x4 me when I was off-target. (I'm actually kinda glad the server-crash wiped out my first handful of posts.) And I'm grateful for all who have been empathetic & kind to my wife. Please keep it up; we're not done with this by a long shot. We're still piecing our lives back together. Building new friendships to replace some we had to give up; still tiptoeing around some places & people; still not sure what all we still need to reveal to whom for best overall effect.

I'm still feeling like dirt at the adverse impact on all of those whom I hurt, & whom I let down, some of whom don't even know the hows/whys. I'm still cringing, when I look back, at the risks my actions posed for for my family -- some of which have receded, others of which lie dormant but might yet arise. But I remind myself that the consequences that I've been spared are more than enough to be grateful for.

Having spent a year seeing her pain (but unable to get to the very center of it, as no WS ever could), and having had my eyes opened as well by all of the true stories that fill up these boards every day, I'm just sick & sad at all of the hurt that we can cause those dearest to us by our thoughtlessness, laziness, selfishness. I so wish that there could be more reconciliations & fewer divorces. I so wish that everyone could have what my wife & I have now. I so do wish that she & I could have gotten here via some other less awful path. I pray that we continue healing & that we get even better with time.

I want the new WSs here to know that with patience & sustained commitment & consideration, it's at least possible to dig out of a deep hole. I want the new BSs to know that once in a while, there can be happy endings. I am so sorry for all the BSs who haven't had that happy outcome & those who don't see any chance of one in sight -- I don't want this post to make you feel lousy or unlucky or anything, and please forgive me if these words stir up any of that.

I'm grateful for the woman whom no other could ever best in my eyes. Someone once suggested that I copy the following here from over on the "birthdays" forum where it languishes. I wrote it for her a couple of months ago. I feel the same today & more so:

There is no other woman

The soft lilt of whose voice tells me, before it has finished a solitary word
That in its mere hearing, no matter where I may be, I am home;

Who can say to me with no more than a single glance, or a steady gaze
That everything will be ok;

Who carries my hurts, anxieties and fears as her own
And walks with me until they are gone or overcome;

Whose kiss stirs my blood when she is there to give it
And causes me to pine, restless, incomplete, when she is not;

Who has followed me the world over, given me all of her best years
And promised me all of the even better ones ahead;

Whose heart I swore, by all that is Holy, to protect above all others
And yet hurt so carelessly and so deeply;

By whom I have been forgiven so much
And who dared to trust me when I proved faithless;

Who has seen good in me, when I could find nothing in myself worth believing in;

Who has so encouraged me to look for the paths in which God would have me walk
In the same ways she has walked;

Who has given Life itself, and so much more, to my children, of whom I am so proud;

Who has pleased me so well, and for so long
And drawn as much joy in giving to me as in receiving from me;

Whose eyes lead me, whose smile fills me with gladness, whose laughter heals me
And whose embrace I yearn for each day until I am in it;

Whom I want, and with whom I choose to share my life;
Whom I place first -- today and for all the days to come;
Into whose hands I place my heart, my life and my very soul;
Whom I know so well and yet wish to know better still;
Who is the very air without which I cannot imagine breathing;

Who is my everything, whom I love with all that I am, like no other,

And whom I shall love no less when a thousand forevers have all passed away and all has been made New.
__________________

TWC, I figured you'd be logging in today. Thank you for giving me another at-bat.

GO,

hmmmm....I want to warn you that it is a safe bet TWC emotions will be all over the place today. While she may have been "goofy" and smiling this morning, she is going to be triggering all over the place. THAT is fact...by days end, she may just be grateful to have gotten through it....I know I was.

did you two talk before now on how you both want to handle this day??...Are you treating it like any other day?...Are you marking it to remember how far you have come?....This is the key to getting through the day...

My prayers to you and TWC.....

ps...you might want to change that title. I bet its a little much for some of the hurting newbies we have on here to see it.....though I don't think that was your intent

Agreed, I dont think a BS we use that subject header...DUDE

Fixed it, dude. thx.
Keep keeping me straight, y'all...

Happy D-Day, GO and TWC! This day can go a few different ways: Upbeat, positive and forward-thinking, or reflective, somber and trigger-laden. Or a mix of them all.

CHOOSE the first three. I know I intend to. My D-Day isn't too far away. I am choosing to embrace it as the day all the wool fell off our M. When all the misperceptions that everything pre-A was fine in our M washed away. That we didn't have to work to maintain the special bond our M and our friendship began with.

CHOOSE to accept that you are both flawed humans, capable of terrible things when left to wander independently, outside of the covenant you made to each other. I know H and I will.

CHOOSE to forgive yourself and your spouse. I forgive H daily. When I drift into those dark days, which happens less and less now, I forgive him yet again. What a freeing feeling that is, to NOT have to carry the weight of a grudge and pick at scabs to watch your own blood flow!

CHOOSE to accept this weird gift that God has given you. His gifts don't always come in easy-to-recognize packages. This one showed up in my life looking like a beaten up shoebox laying on my doorstep in a rotten pile of manure. But once I opened the box I found keys to a life that I would never trade for the pre-A days.

And whatever you do, GO, IF YOU DO NOTHING ELSE: WARN us before you post poems to your wife like that! Darnit, GO, now I've got to go find a tissue to wipe my eyes!

MB,

That was very good. You're going to do just FINE.....

FWIW, I had my second Dday anniversary in Nov. The day came and went UNNOTICED. I had forgotten what that day was until a few days later.....and THAT'S the way I like it....

TWC,

I hope today goes well for you. It seems like you and GO are on such a good path, that being able to lean on him if it goes rough for you will be easy for you. If it seems you can't, try it anyway. Be wary of withdrawing. I know for some it is easy to do that. I'll be thinking and praying for you today....

not2fun

ps...Thanks for fixing that GO.....

Thank you, GO, for the beauty you have brought to my day. What a change from last year, huh?

I want to thank you for doing all the hard work it's taken for us to get to this place and for making it possible for me to forgive you.

You are more than the man I married so long ago; you are who I want to spend the rest of my life loving.

Dear MB friends, I am doing remarkably well today. Of course, I remember that day last year when my world fell apart, every detail of it. I think because I have gone over it so many times since then, analyzing, dissecting, trying to make sense of it with GO, our MC, friends, and you all, I don't feel like it is crushing down on me. It was a wake up call to say the least and I HATE waking up (LOL!), as GO can attest. But now we have the MB tools to prevent that from ever happening again. I have always said that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger; well, folks, I am strong, and ready to strengthen my relationship with my DH for the rest of my life. I know I am blessed and you all have been part of that. Thank you!

:::sniff sniff::: gosh, you kids!
C'mon, everybody, let's do a big group hug and go get a mocha, who's with me?
Seriously! You two rock!

:::sniff sniff::: I'm right there with ya MB. Such a lovely, lovely poem!

{{{{{{{{{{TWC & GO}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

GO, I'm so glad you finally moved this poem here. It is so beautiful.

I'm sure you both feel the relief of having the first D-day anniversary behind you.

The second year really is less painful.

Gloveoil:

You and you wife are an inspiration to me. My wife and I just passed 8 weeks and reconciliation seems farther away than ever. But your story reminds me what a marathon this all is, and why it's worth all this effort.

Thanks for keeping me focused

DT