I'm wondering if any of you can talk openly about the OP with your WS's. If so, has it made you mad or brought you closer.<P>I have had alot of difficulty getting my H to talk about anything with me. If he felt safe to talk about her then that could be a start. I wonder how I would go about getting him to talk about her. I have a feeling that once he started, he might get going and talk alot.<BR>Any thoughts?

It can be done - because I've been doing just this with my WH. Despite having an 'affair', he is doing his best to be very honest with me. I know that he still loves and cares about me and he doesn't want to hurt me again - so at times he is brutally honest, so as not to build my hopes up!<P>Sometimes it is hard, sometimes what he says hurts - but I have to hide it and keep reminding myself that I have offered him a 'safe place' - someone he can talk to freely who KNOWS the pain he is going through. Every day I remind myself that above all, I want to be Compassionate, Loving, Forgiving and be able to accept things with Grace and Dignity. He knows that I will remain faithful to him, that I will wait for him. I have told him that the most precious gift I can give to him right now is time.<P>Most of my family think I'm totally crazy - but I have values, and those values are important to me - and I see it as a sign of strength that I can maintain those values in the aftermath of such a crisis. The values I have are all very important in a marriage, and I am hoping that sooner or later, my husband will come to realise just what an 'Angel' he could have lost! (and we are all angels in the making...)<P>"And if your wings should falter, along this stony path - it's just a moment - this time will pass"<P>hugs, Paint.<P>

be careful of the questions asked. I made many mistakes about asking for details. It is just best left alone.<P>During the first two months after my wifes 1st affair, I would start to put together pieces of information that did not make sense logistically. So I would ask her more questions. (I asked her on Dday to tell me everything and leave nothing out, she said she did not want to hurt me more than she already had).<P>So, I found out more and more grusome details that I wish I had not. The bottom line here is that she had an affair and was willing to leave it behind and work on our marriage. I didn't need to ask more q's.<P>Now flash forward to May 17th. (4.5 years later) 2nd affair for her. I asked her then again to tell me everything about what was going on. This was a telephone long distance affair. Her old BF from HS. She was getting the traditional "We are destined to be together", "My heart beats in time with yours", "I would leave my marriage in a heartbeat for you", you know the bullsheet that they say to each other. I know because I recorded the conversations because I was suspcious. Illegal, but it works.<P>In a nut shell, questions should be asked in front of a professional conselor. Otherwise the other person is going to get angry and defensive. The counselor can redirect the anger and be a ref for any outbursts.<P>Good luck<P>K

We talked about her, but in our case there was not much to tell, he talked i listened, now we do not talk about it anymore> i needed to hear some things, and now we talk about US ( a much better subject in my opinion ) LOL <BR>Maine<P>------------------<BR>In even the darkest of places there is a capacity to love