Sorry this is soooooooo long, but this is my story.<P>March 1st 1997, and then May 17th 2001, DDAYs for me.<P>The first affair that my wife had was one with co-worker. She was working a stressful job that was in close quarters with ahole. She always has had problems with self esteem and wanting alot of positive reinforcement from others, (men).<P>This first affair was very physical. I remember reading her journal to find out what the hell was going on. Things like "being in his arms" , and "feeling so wonderful lying next to him" were the phrases that made me fall to my knees in agony.<P>I confronted her, and she admitted to what was going on. I asked her to tell me everything about the affair and leave nothing out. I wanted all the grusome details. She told me alot during that night. We did not sleep. We sat on the couch and talked about the whys.<P>During the 2 months that followed, my mind started adding up all the details logistically. It did not make sense. Pieces were missing and I asked Jenny about them. She told more info that again was hard to take. I asked her why she did just tell me everything right at the beginning?? She was afraid to hurt me she said. <P>We worked through the first affair through counseling, and ended up starting a family, and buying a house.<P>Flash forward 4.5 years. We moved to a small town which has few young families. My wife stayed at home with our kids and raised them while I worked.<P>The first year was good at our new home. Same pressures as before, kids, work, and money. But we always made time to be together and love each other.<P>At the beginning of April 2001, my wife asked me to move out because she was not HAPPY. We had been fighting about things, but she had never asked me move out before. I told her if this is what she wants then I will look around. It took me about 3 weeks to find a place to rent.<P>I still spent a lot of time at the house with my wife and kids, but I would leave after the kids went to bed. Some nights Jenny would ask me to stay, but not often. A couple of nights she and I actually made love. She cried after.<P>I started getting suspicious that something was going on. She would be on the phone for hours at a time when I went to work. I decided to put a recorder on the line to see who she was talking to for so long.<P>It did not take long to see that her old BF from HS was the one she had been talking to. He gave her the positive reinforcement and phoney love she needed. <P>Although they have not seen each other in years (he lives 1000 miles away and is also married), the conversations were about “being destined to be together” “soul mates” , you know the BS that comes from this sort of thing.<P>I confronted her during the first week of listening to the tapes. She denied every thing. I started to second guess it myself. Maybe the relationship was only friendship and I should be so worried.<P>May 17th. Jenny went to work in the evening (part time job), and I played with the kids before bed time. I got a chance to sit and listen to Thursday’s tape. It was all I needed. Jenny told AHOLE that she hated lying to me, and she hated herself for being dishonest. She longed to be with him, but living so far away from each other and both of them being married, how would it work?? He told her that he would have no problem leaving his wife for her. (lie)<P>I called Jenny at work and told her to come home now. I sat on the driveway smoking a cig when she pulled up. She got out and looked at me funny. I asked her if I would be upset with the conversations she had with AHOLE. (same question that I had asked before), She said “NO, we have been over this.” I asked her to stop lying to me. She said she is not lying. I quoted some lines from the tape, and she started crying.<P>She asked “Why do I do things like this?”. I asked her to tell me everything so that I do not find out later more gruesome info. She told me that they have not seen each other in years. That he was planning on coming to visit in August. Not anymore I said.<P>****This is good**** at 2 am that night, I was so angry that I went into my office, and found the AHOLE’s home number to call his wife. She answered the phone and I told her what was going on. She told that I must have the wrong guy because her husband does not own a cell phone. I said “Here is the number!” She took my home number and said she would call me back.<P>I did not sleep that night. At 7am AHOLE’s wife called me back. We spoke for about an hour. She said she called him at 2:30 am. He answered the non-existant cell phone. She asked him about the relationship with Jenny. And he told her that it had been only going on for a month. I asked AHOLE's Wife what her fax number was so I could fax the phone bill from 12 months earlier showing calls to his cell phone for over 2 hours at a time.<P>She thanked me for calling her about this. She needed to know.<P>Any questions I had from that night on I have been asking in front of our counselor so that he can be there to mediate for us.<P>We are back on the path again, and Jenny has promised that she is going to get help, and this will not happen again. She has broken off all ties with AHOLE. I want to believe her, but this is the second time. Is this a pattern?? Can she get well again. <P>I know some of things I did after finding out were a bit extreme, but boy did it feel good at the time. I also know that my wife blames me for my part in this. I will take whatever part I own. But, I did not make her have the affairs, did I???<P>It has been about a month since DDAY. My wife tells me that I am a different person, and that she likes the changes in me. I am not doing anything different. I play with my kids the same, I do the same things around the house, and I give the same amount of affection to my wife that I had always done before. This is why I am worried.<P>Sorry this is soooooooo long, but that is my story. HELP???<P>K<P><BR>

Hi, and welcome to MB,<P>You have come to the right place - I can promise you that - but there was one thing that worried me about your post, it was the bit in which you said "I will take whatever part I own. But, I did not make her have the affairs, did I???". The very first thing that you have to accept, and understand (even though it's hard), is that it takes 2 to make a relationship, and 2 to break it (more if an 'other person' is involved!). I know that your wife has hurt you deeply - and yes, ultimately it was her decision to have an affair - but what could have lead her to do such a terrible thing? One of the toughest things I had to do, when I found out about my husbands affair, was to listen to his side of the story and to accept and take responsibility for several of the 'circumstances' that lead to him finding the need to have the affair. I have since come to understand that it was a whole combination of circumstances that was at fault - me, him, the other woman, her husband, work pressures, stress, depression, mid-life crisis - and that he was NOT 100% to blame for this. It has been that much easier to forgive and accept what happened after I realised that. <P>It sounds as though your wife is feeling guilty - and that's a good thing because it means that she is accepting that she is to blame for part of this. I would suggest, very strongly, that you get the books "His Needs, Her Needs", and "Surviving an Affair" both by Dr. Harley - they will explain a lot and help you both on the road to recovery.<P>Best of luck,<BR>Paint.<BR>

Bump.. Will get back here in a bit, and see if I can help. Just wanted to let you know I saw your post kicker14.<BR>Stay strong, hang in there. Read read read <P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie