Broken x-cheater desperately seeking 2 save marriage

I really blew it big time. It's been out in the open about 2 months now and much of that time has been pure hell. I hate what I did and I am in absolute agony for how much I've hurt my wife. I'm trying desperately to be the husband I should've been all along and save our marriage but my wife is on a vicious roller coaster alternating between appreciation for the changes she sees in me and extreme anger where she belittles me and wants me to leave. If you've been through this kind of thing, please respond. How can I help her to heal?

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by XScoundrel: I'm trying desperately to be the husband I should've been all along and save our marriage but my wife is on a vicious roller coaster alternating between appreciation for the changes she sees in me and extreme anger where she belittles me and wants me to leave. If you've been through this kind of thing, please respond. How can I help her to heal?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>It's very difficult and there is no quick fix. This site is a great start! It is important that you vocalize to your W how sorry you are, how it won't happen again, how much you love her and how much you want the marriage to work (provided this is all true of course). You also need to show her how you feel. Give her some leeway, her heart has been ripped out of her body, not something that passes quickly. Make sure you are letting her know where you are at all times (no unaccounted for time) and avoid anything that you used as an excuse for being with OW. Certain things will be "triggers" for her. Things that remind her of the affair. The triggers can be really bad for the betrayed spouse for the first 6 months. Finding a good counselor can be a great help. I didn't have much luck with a traditional therapist, but got excellent counseling from a minister. There are also a ton of books available in any bookstore or on Amazon that deal with healing from an affair. Most important, be patient! Keep posting

[QUOTE]Originally posted by fairydust: It is important that you vocalize to your W how sorry you are, how it won't happen again, how much you love her and how much you want the marriage to work (provided this is all true of course). This IS ALL true and I have been doing all these things. I doubt there has been a day when I haven't broken down weeping for what I've done and the pain I've caused. My wife alternates between anger at my past and doubt about whether I'll be faithful in the future. When she seems to resolve one, it isn't too long before the other pops up and it goes back and forth tormenting her. But the worst is how her thinking about what I've done torments her. HOW I WISH I COULD CHANGE THE PAST! Thanks for your response, encouragement, and advice.

Maybe you could tell her that you are very, very sorry for the past. If it were possible, you would relive it and not hurt her, but since you can't, the best thing that you can think of doing is making a wonderful future for the both of you. In time you hope the wonderful future you are about to have can help ease some of the pain of your affair. Tell her your goals are to win her forgivness and her trust again.Mrs. Job

XScoundrel, All you can do is allow her to roll on her rollercoaster until the pain slowly and gradually fades. It has been a little over a year since I discovered my husband was a serial cheater and we are better, but still have so far to go. My H did anything and everything I asked of him. He told me he was sorry often and tried his best to show me how much he loved me even though I still don't think he ever knew what love really was until through the grace and mercy of my forgiveness, I showed him what real love is, how it works, and what it looks and feels like. He answered all my questions no matter how sordid. We immediatley got into marriage counseling and he went faithfully and humbled himself as he told a stranger intimate and personal details and talked about why and how he ended up being a terrible husband and really a terrible human being. Even after a year and a husband who has done everything possible to salvage a marriage he single handedly destroyed, it is difficult for me to allow myself to 'let him in'. I keep a wall up, self protection I suppose. If you truly love her and KNOW that you can be the husband God created you to be then don't lose hope.

X It may help you to know that I and others here have found we have a really bad day when we are loving a little more. It is really hard to give your heart to the one who crushed it and its real scary when loving feelings come back for WS. Look at it as a good sign a grieving process she needs to go through. When she has a bad time brush her hair back and say "its all going to be ok, I promise it will be better than ever" It helped me ALOT! Get Torn Assunder for you both to read. Know that it seems to take 2 years or so for real healing (from what I hear on here)ugh Good Luck you did the right thing in telling all - oh ya, answer every question with honesty even if it hurts.

Hi xs,Welcome to Marriage Builders. So many here come for the same reason. Yet we come from different circumstances, reasons and backgrounds. It is a bit unusual to see so much effort on your part but it is also encouraging!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Please read the info here. Participate in the phone counseling service. Read his needs/her needs. Take the emotional needs questionnaire. Ask your W to read this with you.Now for an eye opener. When you are ready and you think she is ready also, bring her here. She will see many a BS (like herself) fighting much harder battles. A WS not willing to even admit an A, a WS not willing to even try to come back to their family, a WS persuing an OP relentlessly, a WS willing to hurt family and lose all for an OP, etc. As hard and hurt as she feels she may see and hopefully understand. In turn that may help her healing. We would love to help her work on a recovery with you. Please understand that a BS goes through a withdrawal of sorts also. I have a thread which talks about the 5 stages of grieving a BS goes through. If you'd like to read it I can 'try' to post it. I am not sure if the link will work. Take Care. L.