I have a situation that I am not sure how to handle. I 'just found out' and the betrayal was with three other women. Two of which he was with before I ever met him, but just continued on throughout the time we have known each other and got married. I am not sure how to handle this.<p>One of them is the mother of a child of his. A child they had before we got together. The other is the wife of a best friend. The third is just some @$#$!! he has come into contact with. The third one and the wife of the best friend can both be avoided (no contact according to MB), but the mother of the kid, what do I do about that? <p>Tracey

I would think you would pretty much handle it like you would an 'ex-wife' with whom he has had children.

I am sorry, maybe I should know, but I don't know. How do I set limits, rules, acceptable times, etc. in this situation? <p>I mean, I know that I can not ask that they never see or talk to each other (but I feel like I want to). This woman HATES me! I know she would try him again. She has asked him to come back to her and their son. I guess I just HAVE to trust. But tell me how do you begin to trust again after so recently being told that she was one of the affairs. <p>I have questions because sometimes the advice I get or hear, is based upon an affair that has happened, my situation is a bit different and although there was betrayal, it was not with one special person, you know? So it is not like an affair. Yet, at the same time it is.<p>How do you begin again? Can someone please give me an outline...like first you do this, then you say this, then you do this and this and say that...I will follow it to a "t", I swear. I know it is not that easy. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] If only.<p>
Tracey

Bless your heart. <p>Honey, you gotta remember that while this is breaking news to you, it's an ancient memory to your h. 12 years is a long time. <p>You are right...you will have to trust him...and talk to him. I don't remember all the details from the other post...but you will have to respect his feelings about any kind of relationship he may want with this child. (Who is really almost grown by now and probably really doesn't want much of a relationship with your h anyway). Talk, listen and be understanding.<p>Just remember, he's already 12---you only have to deal with his mother for 4-6 years at the most.

I think you have to worry about ALL of his affairs, not just the BABY'S MOMMA. These affairs continued on after you were married. Just becuase he doesn't have a child with the other 2 doesn't mean it won't happen again. You need to find out why ALL happened in the first place. What is he lacking that wants to continue to stray? He has some serious issues going on that needs to be addressed. It shouldn't be just YOU trying to figure out how YOU can make things change for the better, he has to WANT TO MAKE THINGS CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.

I am not trying to do all the work without asking or requiring him to do anything, but I am going to try to do it the right way, not causing more problems as I go. I am just saying I don't know how to handle her. Thanks for your advice. <p>I know that he has the major portion of the blame, I know that he is responsible for his actions which are inexcusable. I know that I did nothing to CAUSE him to stray. I created some of the atmosphere. I want to fix it, not point fingers, not blame. I don't want to go through it again. (I believe the process of forgiveness has begun. I know it is a long road, but I don't feel the same as I did on d-day.)<p>I am not sure if you have me confused with someone else, but I haven't even been married 2 years and his ex's baby is 3. <p>But please don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I don't need to worry about the other two. My point was that those other two can be avoided, you know, the no contact thing, but the one is his child's mom and she will be around from now on. The child is not grown only 3. It is him (my husband)who has to handle it really. But, I can and definitely will tell him how I feel about it. <p>
Tracey

Hi Tracey,<p>First, the child needs a father. Your H should be encouraged to spend time with him/her. His wanting to do so speaks well of the kind of father he will be for your children.<p>Have your read the article on the Policy of Joint Agreement on the main web site?<p>Policy of Joint Agreement<p>Don't take any action upon which both of you both do not enthusiastically agree.<p>The two of you need to decide how to handle visitations with OC. It sounds like you will want to avoid meeting face-to-face with her. If she hates you, she might refuse to let OC come to your house. If she does, encourage H to go out and have a fun day with his baby. Don't take out any stress between the adults on the baby. I would think, also, that you want to discourage their spending time as a threesome, something she might encourage since you say she is still interested in him.<p>If you and your H think through your strategy in advance and are both in agreement, maybe you can reduce the tension among you three and help support the child.<p>Let us know what you decide. Good luck.
Estes