I appreciate the sincere feedback. Although I read it all with an open mind, I don’t believe Complete Honesty is a worthy goal to shoot for. I’m wondering, do you think total honesty is a prerequisite for intimacy? I agree that if there is a persistent problem in a marriage that is causing one or both spouses to cheat or consider cheating, it should be addressed openly and fully. I’m wondering if you would agree that total and complete honesty might not always be warranted, or even in the best interest of either party? Or, do you think it’s called for in ALL situations? One writer mentioned only 1 exception – in cases of abuse. What about…say…depression? Let’s say the betrayed spouse suffers from serious clinical depression? What if I had told you that my husband is unable to have intercourse, due to a life-changing injury? I can imagine a young wife or husband living under those conditions, easily falling into the arms of someone outside the marriage for comfort, affection and sexual needs. Is that a mistake that should be or needs to be addressed?

Obviously those are extreme examples. But, I think black and white logic can be dangerous when dealing with such important and possibly life-altering matters. As intelligent, caring people aren’t we obligated to consider many factors before making decisions that impact not only us but also our loved ones?

To readers who might be struggling with this issue, please consider what espoir wrote. Husbands (and wives) can be very unforgiving. Before rushing to unburden yourself by telling all, please consider your own situation – the current state of your relationship, the current state of your spouse’s emotional and physical health, the likelihood of “it” happening again, etc. Please don’t misunderstand my position. I believe affairs are serious violations of trust and sacred vows. To risk your marriage or your partner’s emotional and physical security by having an affair is reckless. Just don’t be as reckless in your rush to restore whatever it is that was lost.

Kim...honesty is very important...I'm not so gun sure that everyone needs radical honesty about everything in thier past...but I do believe that you need radical honesty about anything which affects someone else yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What about…say…depression? Let’s say the betrayed spouse suffers from serious clinical depression? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then you make sure that your spouse, betrayed or not, is under the care of a good doctor, on the right medications for his/her depression. (My H has suffered this for most of our marriage, so I do know what I am talking about.) Because my spouse is depressed, doesn't take the responsibly I have to be honest with him away. Yes, I must take into account his depression...but I am still responsible for MY choices.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What if I had told you that my husband is unable to have intercourse, due to a life-changing injury? I can imagine a young wife or husband living under those conditions, easily falling into the arms of someone outside the marriage for comfort, affection and sexual needs. Is that a mistake that should be or needs to be addressed?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've got a beautiful cousin, she's the mom of two beautiful daughters by her first marriage. When she remarried, her H was confinded to a wheelchair...as is he now. No, they do NOT have what we would call a "normal" sexlife, but a very active and fullfilling sexlife they do have. Of course there are some injuries where even that might be a problem.

Then it is up to the individual who has sexual related needs which are not being addressed because they can't be addressed to decide what is most important in their own lives. Yes, it would NOT be an easy decision, and one that should NOT be made solely alone.

There is no reason to cheat. Never has been, never well be. We make choices, yes, some choices to stand by our values and our own set of morality can be very difficult and heart breaking because of the situation outside our power to control.

But our marriages don't have bars on the windows and locks on the doors. If you can not find your happiness within the marriage...for whatever reason...then leave the marriage...never betray your spouse, your marriage or yourself.