Hello - I read your post to Localboy and I'm hoping you can answer just a couple of questions for me, if you don't mind.

First, you said you didn't think you were doing anything "wrong" by having this internet R with the OW - it was only when you fell into bed with her that you realized that you crossed the line.

I'm asking because my H has had two, what I would call EAs, which have taken our marriage to the brink. We have recovered a lot - but we still have not talked about "it", and I suppose that my questions to you are preparation for the questions I still would like to be able to ask him.

I want to know if you recognize that the whole 2 year R with the OW was wrong - and if, looking back, can you see how it affected your M?

Many people justify their "secret" friendship by saying it makes their R with their spouse better.

Do you think that was true - or do you now think that it secretly sabotaged the intimacy you could have had with your W?

I am still not sure that my H acknowledges that what he did was wrong - and I'm interested in your perspective on your experience, from looking back.

Thanks so much.

LIR

LIR:

So sorry to hear that you're going through this. You have my sympathies.

As for your question, yes, I know that the entire relationship with the woman was wrong. I don't mean to say that any friendships with the opposite sex are always wrong for a married person. I do have some work-related female friends, and friends from college who are women, and they aren't a threat to my W or to my marriage.

But yes, absolutely, the relationship with the woman was wrong, and was harmful to a lot of things in my life. I should have known that right at the start, because I told NO ONE about it, other than my W. Usually, if you have a "friend," you talk to them about your other friends, want them to meet those other friends, and vice versa. This was different. She was MINE, I thought, and I guarded the relationship jealously. Further, as I think I mentioned, there was a flirtatious, sexual component to our conversations and "friendship" right from the beginning. I don't have that with my other female friends, and that again should have clued me in to the fact that it wasn't kosher.

For me, the OW filled a need -- for companionship, conversation, just being silly, etc., that wasn't met very well due to how much I had to work. She also (and this is a little embarrassing to admit) filled a need for, frankly, titillation. Here was this woman in her early-20s who was paying attention to me, flattering me, openly talking about her sexual life, etc. It was a turn-on, plain and simple. THAT also should have clued me in that this wasn't "normal," and wasn't good for me. Also, I had a fairly heavy internet porn habit at the time as well, and I think I emotionally connected her with that, as though she were just another picture or video for my amusement. Had I really thought about her as a person, I'd have realized how damaged she was, how she clearly was dependent on me, and how that wasn't good for either of us.

And yes, it damaged my marriage, even before the physical part of the affair. My W was always a little leery of my "friendship" with the woman. She instinctively knew something wasn't quite right, I think. I spent so much time "talking" to the woman at work, and fantasizing about her during the day, that by the time I got home, I didn't have a whole lot of energy left for my wife. Plus, I was keeping secrets, and that's never healthy. Finally, it damaged my career, I'm sure of it. You can't e-mail someone constantly during the day and expect to be able to maintain a solid career. My progress in my profession pretty much stalled when I met this woman. I eventually ended up leaving the place I was at and going somewhere else, only to find myself starting to stagnate there because I was still in touch with her.

So yes, to answer your question, I know it was wrong. As to your H, I'd have thought just the fact that the relationships caused so much pain in your marriage would clue him in to the fact that his EAs weren't "right." But if that hasn't sunk in, he should think about his other, "normal" friendships, including those with women (if he has any), and ask himself why what he had going on with his OW wasn't present in those friendships.

Anyway, I hope that helped to answer your question. Again, I'm sorry you're going through this, and I wish you and your H luck!

<small>[ September 05, 2003, 08:56 AM: Message edited by: Taxman ]</small>