Well,<BR>My H and I have returned from Germany. All in all it was a good trip. <P>It was hard for me at first. I find spending time with him so hard. He seems so distant and stowic and in the past he has been so passionate. At every turn his lack of excitment served as a constant reminded of what is gone. In spite of this we had a good time. I did my best to try to push back my anger and hurt but have to admit that I slipped a few times. We had a few good moments too.<P>Does anyone else here have a spouse that claimes to still love you but is stowic compared to thier past behavior? I am having a hard time reconciling his words with his actions. He says he loves me but his lack of passion and excitiment make me sence otherwise.<P>Can anyone offer any insight into this?<P>Acacia

Who knows what they are thinking?<P>However, some reasonable explanations would include:<P>He feels guilty and it comes off as distant. He may feel unworthy of your love or kindness. You might find he becomes even more distant as you reach out.<P>If you do find he becomes more distant as you seek closeness, you might try toning it down a notch and give him a bit of space to bounce back. It is especially hard to be passionate when you feel like you are being pressured to do so, even if that is not your intent.<P>Your H may have broader troubles that reach beyond your relationship. He may be depressed or he may be concerned about work or something else. You may be personalizing a situation that you may be only a small part of.<P>Although it is important for words and actions to be congruent, before you judge him too harshly, consider redefining your definition of love.<P>Those "in-love" passionate feelings and actions are just one kind of married love. Now when things are good and everything is clicking and it is not there, that's a problem...sometimes temporary, sometimes a big problem.<P>However, if you addressed your problems and are into recovery, things take time.<P>It sounds like your H is showing other kinds of married love like Phileo which is a cherishing friendship kind of love, Storge which is loyalty and belonging and maybe agape which is a choosen unconditional love.<P>If your H chooses to love you as he works he way back to passion, he may be showing strength rather than weakness.<P>Many betrayers point to the lack of passion, narrowly define love to the "in-love" feelings of eros and justify ending their marriage instead of working their way back.<P>Some betrayed people don't want their partner back if they aren't "in-love" with them. Betrayers sometimes state that they only want their partners back for the "right" reasons.<P>Well certainly we all want our old passionate spouses back, but I think many downplay the importance of the broader spectrum of love in a marriage. If a parnter is willing to recommit because it is the "right thing" to do, despite their conflicting feelings, I think that takes more character and courage than only coming back if the passion returns.<P>In the end we want spouses of character that won't rebolt when we hit another bump in the road.<P>So all in all, be patient, be light hearted, be ready to listen and slow to talk and mark your improvement by baby steps for now.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FHL,<P>Thank you so much for your insightful reply. You are so right. I never thought of it from the perspective. There is a show of strength from him and it does speak to his character.<P>You are also right that my H may be depressed. We switched councelors before we left for Germany. This one is a clinical psychatrist as well and she does think my H is depressed and in need of medication. Our last councelor felt that he was not depressed but I have always suspected otherwise. So maybe now we will get somewhere with this new councelor.<P>I have learned that depression is overt in most men rather than covert. <P>I do personalize this but I also feel it became very personal when he involved another woman. It is extreamly difficult to seperate any distance he feels from me due to depression from any distance he feels from me due to his feelings for the OW. <P>Your words have shown me that I need to look beyond this and stop pushing. It will be so hard for me but I must do this and I think reading your reply over from time to time will help me.<P>I will keep your words of wisdom in mind as I move forward. I will try to see his depression and issues in spite of my own pain and I will try to help him overcome this.<P>Your are right. He is showing some strength and character here. I am so glad that you made me see that. It is a wonderful gift that I really needed.<P>Thanks again.<P>Acacia<P>

Thank you for your kind words.<P>If you want to read more about the kinds of married love, try the book Love Life for Every Married Couple by Dr. Ed Wheat.<P>Another book you don't hear much about that I loved was The Heart of Commitment by Scott Stanley.<P> <P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13