LOL Guilty1 you have made my day.... since I have determined not to hit him while hes down there is alot in my that would like to lash out.... your lashing out felt good
<P>As for me I just sent this e-mail to H... I think better when I write things out.. So read and respond...<P><B>To H<P><BR>guess my question would be, what are you willing to do / what actions<BR>are you willing to take / what degree and devotion and or committment<BR>would you be giving to....<P>beginning again, rebuilding all that has been lost, getting help and<BR>learning how to sort out or through out 'baggage' we have accumulated,<BR>learn once again to trust, be vulnerable, honest, open and<BR>caring.......<P>I think it will take time, and I don't know the correct course, but I<BR>have some councellors and such on-line that I can get good information<BR>from......<P>For now I think doing some soul searching (both of us) on what it is we<BR>are willing to do and commit to in beginning to rebuild for the purpose<BR>of reconcilliation is the correct start...<P>Also we need to relate our needs and desires, and I think a good<BR>healthy dose of boundaries that are exceptable would be necessary<BR>too.... here is a good format for learning to resolve conflict... We<BR>sure have that to deal with....<P>24 Guidelines for Resolving Conflicts in Marriage<BR>Excerpted from 7 Secrets of a Happy Family<BR>by Paul Meier and Richard Meier<P><BR>1. Sincerely commit your lives to Jesus Christ as Lord.<P>2. Consider the marriage a life-long commitment, just as Christ is<BR>eternally committed to His bride, the Church.<P>3. Agree to always listen to each other’s feelings, even if you<BR>disagree<BR>with the appropriateness of those feelings.<P>4. Commit yourselves to both honesty and acceptance.<P>5. Determine to attempt to love each other unconditionally, with each<BR>partner assuming 100 percent of the responsibility for resolving marital<P>conflicts (the 50/50 concept seldom works).<P>6. Consider all the factors in a conflict before bringing it up with<BR>your<BR>mate.<P>7. Confess any personal sin in the conflict to Christ before<BR>confronting<BR>your mate.<P>8. Limit the conflict to the here and now – never bring up past<BR>failures,<BR>since all past failures should have already been forgiven.<P>9. Eliminate the following phrases from your vocabulary:<P>a. "You never" or "You always"<P>b. "I can’t" (always substitute "I won’t")<P>c. "I’ll try" (usually means "I’ll make a half-hearted effort but won’t<BR>quite succeed")<P>d. "You should" or "You shouldn’t" (these are parent-to-child<BR>statements).<P>10. Limit the discussion to the one issue that is the center of the<BR>conflict.<P>11. Focus on that issue rather than attacking each other.<P>12. Ask your mate if he would like some time to think about the conflict<P>before discussing it.<P>13. Each mate should use "I feel ..." messages, expressing his response<BR>to<BR>whatever words or behavior aroused the conflict. For example, "I feel<BR>angry toward you for coming home late for supper without calling me<BR>first"<BR>is an adult-to-adult message, whereas "You should always call me when<BR>you’re going to be late for supper" is a parent-to-child message. A<BR>parent-<BR>to-child message will cause the mate to become defensive.<P>14. Never say anything derogatory about your mate’s personality.<BR>Proverbs<BR>11:12 tells us that he who despises (belittles) his neighbor lacks sense<P>(NASB).<P>15. Even though your mate won’t always be correct, consider your mate an<P>instrument of God, working in your life. Proverbs 12:1 says, He who<BR>hates<BR>reproof is stupid (NASB).<P>16. Never counterattack, even if your mate does not follow these<BR>guidelines.<P>17. Don’t tell your mate why you think he or she does what he does<BR>(unless<BR>he asks you), but rather stick to how you feel about what he does.<P>18. Don’t try to read your mate’s mind. If you’re not sure what he meant<P>by something he said, ask him to clarify it.<P>19. Commit yourselves to follow the instructions carefully in the<BR>"Dealing<BR>with Anger Biblically" section of this chapter. This will help you avoid<P>depression, which results in increased irritability and increased<BR>martial<BR>conflicts.<P>20. Be honest about your true emotions, but keep them under control.<BR>Proverbs 29:11 says, A fool always loses his temper, but a wise man<BR>holds<BR>it back (NASB). Proverbs 15:18 says, A hot-tempered man stirs up strife,<P>but the slow to anger pacifies contention (NASB).<P>21. Remember that the resolution of the conflict is what is important,<BR>not<BR>who wins or loses. If the conflict is resolved, you both win. You’re on<BR>the same team, not opposing, competing teams.<P>22. Agree with each other on what topics are "out of bounds" because<BR>they<BR>are too hurtful or have already been discussed (for example, in-laws,<BR>continued obesity, and so on).<P>23. Pray about each conflict before discussing it with your mate.<P>24. Commit yourselves to carefully learn and practice these 24<BR>guidelines<BR>for "fighting fair" in marriage and agree with each other to call "foul"<P>whenever one of you accidentally or purposefully breaks one of these<BR>guidelines. (You may choose to agree on a dollar fine for each<BR>violation!)<P>we have alot of relearning to do and Ive been doing alot of<BR>studying.... I have much more information if you want to see it... I<BR>have been researching for two years, It would just drowned you if I<BR>sent you it all..... anyway..... go back up to the top and spend some<BR>time thinking about my questions, I will be too..... I have a busy<BR>day ahead of me, got a weeks worth of mess to clean and alot of running<BR>around to do too.... Maybe tomarrow after church we can plan on you<BR>spending time with the girls, I could bring them over for a visit to<BR>your moms if she doesn't mind.... ?????????? As for me Im still<BR>confused and scared I guess...... feeling like a kitten in the corner<BR>knowing that something is waiting for me and not knowing if its good or<BR>bad...... </B><P>There it is.....