Any suggestion of a better answer???? - Marriage Builders® Forums

Haven't posted a lot for sometime...been lurking. Things have been as good as could be expected for three months after D day. I have had several tiny baby steps. But I'm pretty down now. I found her chat room and was reading the two of them talking (W and OM). It is sickening to say the least, but because of all of the great advice I have been getting from MB and you, I can understand it and dismiss it as part of the fantasy. It will take longer than normal (OM lives in England) I know that..What I have a hard time understanding is why after 25 years she left me in less than a month after we talked about there being a problem. She left home and was totally wrapped up in OM in less than a month. She doesn't live with him but she has been there twice for 12 days each and he has been here twice for 12 days each and he is coming agin for 2 weeks in the middle of July all since March.Ok, I'm venting now and I know it and need to. Were are going to a movie tomorrow night and I don't want to spoil it. How can she say all the loving things she says to him in email and chat and still want to go to movies, ball games, plays etc. with me?How can she totally turn her back on me after 25 years? How can she leave without the slightest notion on working on our marriage first?I know the answers to these from the books and the site but right now it doesn't seem to help.Any suggestion of a better answer?Love and Prayers for All!!!J W

Hi J Willy -Good to hear from you.....I was just thinking about you last week!!!Vent away....better here than there with her!!! You know that you are making progress though, right?Just a couple of extra ways to think of what she is doing to make this easier for your perspective, OK?1st...picture her playing a video game. She is so immersed in the "action" of it.....it is like being inside it!!! Virtual Reality if you will......She is in a world all her own...you or anybody else (except "english guy") don't exist there!! The problems in her life are the enemy - the "monsters" that she runs from!! English guy is there to feed her fear of them and supply her with "invisibility pellets" to shoot them with so she can pretend they don't exist!!!You are the "Help Guy"....the one she turns to when she gets stuck or confused.Just keep on helping her....eventually she will realize that the trick to the whole game is to "stand and face" the monsters...not run or shoot!!!Then "english guy" melts and you both live happily ever after......2nd - Always remember that when she is with you......it is the REAL world!!!BIG HUGS and Strength to you,Sheba

J Willy,You have gotten good advice from Sheba. I would guess that she hasn't turned her back completely on you since she will still go out with you. Given the strong pull of the affair, this suggests to me that there is still alot of hope.How is your D doing? She has really been hurt by all of this terribly. Is she living with you? Did she decide to marry the father of her child?Take good care of that girl JW. You are more important to her now than ever in her life.You are doing well, but please come vent. It is good for you and everyone here understands.Take care and God Bless,JL

Thanks for the replies. Sheba, I think you are right on target. It gave me a different way of understanding the situation. Thanks!!TL, my D is living with me...she is 17. She realized too late the father was a dead beat and she wants nothing to do with him. She broke it off three weeks ago. I have her in counseling and she is doing well. I so proud that she decided not to take the easy way out with abortion and that she decided not to make another mistake by marring him. He definitely was a loser, its too bad she did not realize it earlier. We have gotten a lot closer and my counseling an Plan Aing has helped in that situation as well. Even she has told her mom that I am a better person from the counseling and in fact she wanted to and is seeing the same doctor.Thanks once again for the replies.Love and Prayers for All!!J W

J Willy,I am glad your D made the decisions she has. It sounds like she is a wonderful young lady. It is so sad, that they make these kind of mistakes. You know Plan A is pretty good for just about any relationship isn't it. I have always felt that it was the "practical" Golden Rule.Glad you are taking such good care of your daughter. You are going to be the father to your D and her child it would seem. Pretty big shoes, but you can handle it.God Bless YOU and Your Family,JL

JWilly:I'm glad you're hanging in there; I'm sorry you hit another rough patch.There is no way I can add to what Shedba said, but I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and wish you and your family all the best. --HBC

J Willy, Glad to see you post.I have talked with you before using a different screen name.my h had the internet affair, moved out in april,saved money and moved OW here 2 weeks ago and is living with her.Iam sorry about the chat room .you are in the right place to vent.We are here to listen and support.