In case you didn't read my story before, a brief recap: married 25 years, H didn't want "clingy" wife. Gave up years ago on having a "real" marriage, went through the motions for the sake of the children. 2-3 years ago, after major LB event, decided I didn't want to restore our relationship even if we could.<P>EAs have been pretty much a fact of life with any man who's nice to me, though I avoided letting any of them know (obviously didn't succeed this time). Latest EA went PA 4 months ago (haven't told H), just about the time H decided he really wanted to turn our marriage around (because I suddenly withdrew even further? I don't know).<P>I told OM a couple days ago that H wanted to work on fixing things. He said he would step back and let me focus on H (we work together, "No Contact" is not possible), even offered to be "a nasty SOB" if I thought it would help. H & I worked on ENQ that night (didn't fill them out completely, but had good talk about them), and I was surprised at how much my feelings improved (but then, I ranked Conversation my #1 EN).<P>Then last night H wanted to work on Recreational questionnaire, dropped it on me about 10 minutes before the end of my favorite TV show (I watch about 3 hrs/week), and blew up 5 minutes later because I hadn't filled it out. Needless to say, all those good feelings from the night before evaporated. <P>Anyway, for a lot of reasons my heart is not fully in the reconciliation process. I don't trust H to follow through; he has a history of losing interest in projects/promises that require consistent effort. <P>I haven't gone through anything like what many of the people on this forum have -- I don't know what keeps you all going. I'm just really tired of living this way.

As I see it, you've got a couple things going on. One is probably withdrawal from the OM. He's doing a decent thing in backing away.<P>Your H is making efforts to change or at least making efforts that show the intent to change.<P>You don't trust that H's change is real. Time & patience are the key to determining that. But you joining in and being a full partner in the process with hasten whatever direction you go.<P>You have had other men meeting your needs for a long time. It's a habit/addiction that may be difficult for you to give up.<P>Learning about meeting each other's needs and this site is a great place to start, but I'd highly recommend counseling as well. If your H won't go, go alone as you've got issues both with H's behavior and what you have done to leave the marriage without actually leaving (the affairs, the loss of hope for restoration).<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

smidgen,<P>I hate to say it...<BR>...but it is so common...<P>...when you can't do it alone...<BR>...get the aid of a competant counselor.<P>I know <B>K</B> gets knocked on this...<BR>...I do sometimes as well.<P>We're imperfect...<BR>...and often we need thta thri person to give us a push...<BR>...to measure for us our progress...<P>Ideally we could do everything ourselves...<BR>..."American Independence"... we can do it themselves... right?!<P>Wrong...<P>Accepting help is the real way to improve...<BR>...especially when we get stuck in the mire of "stagnation".<P>Seek out MB counseling...<BR>...and stick to it.<P> <P>Jim