Marriage Builders
Posted By: Bozos_ Deb Updates, post your updates here. - 06/01/00 04:02 AM
cl, I see you're back hooray ! How goes it ?<P>Sheba ? Come on girl tell us what's up !<P>That goes for everyone else too. Tell us how you are doing.<P>As for us, ok. I was getting some hang up calls after the parkinglot lady incident, don't know if it was her or not. <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>Hepatitis C, educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://hepatitis-central.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://hepatitis-central.com/</A>
Posted By: Sheba Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/01/00 04:58 AM
Hi Deb -<P>I didn't get to an update thread of my own yet...had a busy weekend!!!<P>Almost posted a thread titled "I was Almost a Slut" but decided not to!!!<P>Want to hear it? OK, I'll tell ya!!!<P>LOL!!!!!!<P>I went out to a friend's party..big to-do at a catering hall.....<P>Had a lot of Latino music and dancing going on and let me tell ya - I have had my share of "hot flashes" since the emotional upheaval of this nightmare, but the "flashes" that night I thought would do me in!!!! <P>Did you know that Latino dancing can be very erotic? WELL, take it from me - it can!!!! I was in a lot of trouble being that it's been over 3 years, if you know what I mean!!!!! LOL!!!!<P>There were several times when I thought I was going to cave and give in to "the moment"......I have a new respect for the power of a Ricky Martin song!!!!<P>Anyway, I ended up being a very good girl!!!!! Well, as good as I could be after bumping and swaying with these men!!!! I felt grinding against body parts that I had forgotten I had!!! LOL!!<P>When the "temptuous moments" came, I actually felt repulsed, believe it or not!!!! Why is that? It's not like I don't need "it" in some form? Even a simple kiss sent me flying into disgust...... Am I always going to react that way? <P>Kinda scary? <P>All in all though it was a fabulous night out!!! Even with a mending broken toe and a bad back, I can keep up with the best of them!!! <P>Course, I couldn't move the next day!!<P>LOL!!!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba<P>PS - How's your health and what's going on with the treatment, insurance, etc?<P>PSS - I will get to a thread about my WAD soon.....things are as nuts as usual!!!!
Posted By: Monen Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/01/00 05:52 AM
Hi everyone,<P>Things are OK here... slow going... we are still in counseling and H is trying hard to get past this. We have setbacks when I have an attack of angry feelings or vice versa.<P>I'm a little confused as to whether we're actually making progress or just agreeing to disagree. He has stopped being so combative, but he has also stopped being affectionate for the most part, and seems to either be resigned or thinking up a game plan. I can't tell anymore. (I think most of you know our story, if not and you're interested just let me know).<P>I can tell that he's trying to show me that he still loves me by buying me things that I like, etc... but we don't have much money and I'd rather he stay affectionate and suggest things for us to do together. He knows that it's a real thorn in my side for him to be gone from 7am - 9pm but it doesn't seem to sink in (either that or the gym is a bigger priority right now).<P>Ahh rambling... that's our update.. we're still here, plodding along.<BR><P>------------------<BR>"I believe... this is heaven to no one else but me - and I'll defend it long as I can be left here to linger in silence if I choose to would you try to understand?" - Sarah McLachlan
Posted By: Bozos_ Deb Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/01/00 06:35 AM
Sheba,<P>You naughty girl [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com], you make me laugh ! After what you've been through it's amazing that the mere sight of a man doesn't make you run. As for the dancing whoo boy I do know what you mean. And the music, livin' la vida loca !<P>Monen,<P>It takes time, lots of time. And you can expect set backs. I wish it weren't that way , but it is. Just count everyday you are together a victory. <P><BR>Now come on guys, Lor Chris, Jim all of you get your hineys in here right now ! Please. (don't hurt me.).<BR><P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>Hepatitis C, educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://hepatitis-central.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://hepatitis-central.com/</A>
Posted By: NSR Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/01/00 10:32 AM
Ok...<P>I have done a fuller update at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/000360.html" TARGET=_blank>Update and Prayers...</A>.<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited June 02, 2000).]
im giving up, y'all. H is a complete sociopath, and his latest lies about how "honest" he's being are more than i can tolerate.<BR>I'm going to see a divorce lawyer today, and i finally broke down and called and told my family the whole story, which i had avoided at all costs until i saw that no matter what i did H was not going to change. I had great hopes for him settling down and being a family with us, but it is clear that is not going to happen (OW was at my house all weekend, when i had left to give him time to get his thoughts together, and he called the sheriff on me when i came home unannounced, and also blamed me for "setting him up". i was flabbergasted at that, to say the least). I need sanity in my life, and he is in no position to offer it, so i will create my own.<BR>I wish the best to you all in your marriagebuilding efforts, and i will certainly keep up in my "studies" so that next time around i will be better prepared.<BR>I'm off to the "divorcing/divorced" board so that i can keep up some kind of plan A during the coming nightmare.<BR>A lot of you may remember how angry and bitter i was about this mess, but now, i have let it go. I just can't be angry at someone who is clearly so broken and sick. Pray that i get custody of my babies, would you all? He is simply in no position to have full physical custody of an 8 month old and a 2 and a half year old.<BR>Thank you all for the support and the pats on the back in my times of greatest need, i have learned so much from all of you!<BR>much love,<BR>julie
Posted By: Goober Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/01/00 02:09 PM
I'm starting legal precedings on getting a divorce. We will do a one year seperation followed by the big D. I've been humiliated one too many times to maintain any kind of feelings for my wife.<P>I know I have some rough times ahead but as I maintained from the beginning, I did everything could (and will continue to until final) to keep us together, I have maintained my self respect and my dignity. I really believe i will come out of this a better person, one who knows how to be more caring, more compassionate, more open and more dedicated to the person I will be involved with.<P>Once everything goes through I am going on vacation, somewhere warm and south. Goober can still limbo with the best of them.
Posted By: kam6318 Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/01/00 02:21 PM
I am doing well. A few weeks ago, my H told me he is not "in-love" with the OP...not sure he ever really was (tho he gave a very convincing impression). However, a week ago when she gave her notice at their office, it really made him feel very sad and confused again...he says because they were friends before and he realizes now how he messed that up, in addition to everything else.<P>He is in counseling for depression/stress issues, and seems to be becoming more and more himself again. We definitly love each other, with flashes of "in-love" becoming more frequent, so I think we are on the right track. I feel very blessed...<P>Kathi
Posted By: cl Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/01/00 02:26 PM
HI DEB!!!!!!!!!!!!! HI BOZO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<BR>How are the two of you doing? Where is your update girl? You strat this thread but forget your own? I hope you are feeling okay-I think of you often and wonder if you found a clinical trial or ???<BR>I am fine. H is still living, so that is a good sign! (tongue in cheek). We are going to FL for 2 yrs, leaving here June 11. I start a new job there on the 15th so it will be a straight thru drive. I really wanted to spend a few days in TX visiting but they moved the start date up a week-financially it seemed a good idea to go with it. Finances will not be fun-i will be paying tuition for 3 in college at the same time. My h is going to school in fl to change careers. Ouch!!! But the change should keep him home a bit more often. My boys will stay here and go to the univ, keep up the house (?!), etc. <BR>Emotionally, I have ups and downs, as we all do. But we are doing pretty good. H's surgery was somewhat successful-of course there were some complications, but he is recovered now. Whew, it was pretty tough to deal with-the necessary surgery was a direct result of affairs and infection (for those that forgot!). <BR>He has really backed off on the counseling, but seems to be doing okay. He is very attentive, loving, and is the h I always thought I had. <BR>Sheba.....dances the night away......<P>Aloha to all
Posted By: Tired LuLu Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/01/00 02:51 PM
Stayed up late last night talking.<P>My H seems to think that Sex will solve it all. This infuriates me because he used sex to solve things before and that is why we are having so much trouble now.<P>He has been reading my posts and I think he finally realizes just how I am feeling, (or not feeling as the case may be).<P>He asked me to stay. Even though the entire conversation was sad and pathetic, I didn't seem to feel anything.<P>We says he is done with his affair and it will never happen again. This makes no difference to me anymore.<P>He says he wants to satsify my needs, but the main emotional need I have is to have a secure marriage with a man I respect. I can't have that with him.<P>He says he loves me again and I don't believe him. There was a time when I didn't believe him because I didn't think it was something that could be turned off and on, but now I understand how it can. I feel no love for him anymore. I thought that would never happen considering the depth of the love I once felt.<P>I don't feel anything but anger. I don't even feel sad anymore, just angry.<P>I was prepared to stay in the marriage before even though he was selfish and considered me so unimportant. I was willing to stay in an unhappy relationship and stay faithful, but unhappy. <P>Now I guess I must resign myself to stay in a marriage of complete apathy. In some ways this is easier than what I had to deal with before.
Posted By: Lor (Lor) Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/01/00 02:59 PM
Sheba--too funny.<P>Cl--glad to see you posting.<P>My update: separate households, although his hasn't been used much lately [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]. We both want the marriage, we're both scared & scarred. Taking things slowly, being accountable, apologizing when not accountable enough. Making plans for the future--something we haven't done for 2 years. We're trying to balance my need to talk about the past with his need to forget. We both want closure for the OP relationships, but as time keeps passing, maybe that is closure enough and we don't need even the closure contact? Still thinking on that.<P>More than anything, at this point, we both hope our marriage will make it, and in itself seems like a triumph. We're off the fence! On the same page! Working together! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] (yes this is the real Lor (Lor) posting [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com])<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10
Posted By: Windy Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/01/00 03:07 PM
Hi guys!<P>Deb, good post.<P>Sheba, don't think we've ever "met," but it sure sounds like you had a good time, and I think that is wonderful!<P>Monen, so happy to hear things are improving for you...hope some day you H gets the clue that you need more of HIM, not just what he can buy for you. No, I don't know your story or I've forgotten (sorry) but don't mind if you want to share it again. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim, so sorry to hear your news...Gosh I just hate hearing that!! You have given so much to so many people on this board, including myself. Hang in there...<P>LWB, keep your head up!!<P>As for myself, I just posted this morning that I think we have finally had a major breakthrough...After a huge fight last night and him thinking I didn't want to be with him anymore...I think he finally realized how much his relationship with OW has hurt me and when he saw that it was making me cold inside (and Ihave never been cold to him) it scared him!! It was his wake up call, I hope, and now he says he really wants to work on our marriage...Gosh, I want to believe that so bad...anyway...that's my latest!<P>Take care everyone!<BR>
Posted By: schizzo Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/01/00 03:49 PM
Funny someone mentioned the song "livin la vida loca" because that is exactly what we've been doing. And I'm learning to dance salsa. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Getting a "normal" job where he can come back each evening and not travel hasn't seemed a good option. If you can't beat them, join them!! I've spent about nine weeks this year living in hotel rooms (with and without my preschoolers) on three continents! Why not?? I've loosened up a lot. If it's not illegal or immoral, why not?? To la vida LOCA (Spanish for the crazy life).<P><P>------------------<BR>Cindy
Posted By: No_Trust Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/01/00 04:10 PM
Hi Deb!<P>Thinking back about hang-up calls, I still believe that bar-fly was calling up our house and hanging up. This went on for 9 months. Finally, when he wrote her that "No Contact" letter, I noticed that the hang-up calls ended. I don't believe that they were tele-marketers. I really believe it was the bar-fly.<P>Anyway, things are going well here. Things seem normal. Triggers don't happen as often anymore. H is doing well, marriage is going well (Sometimes I hate saying that because I feel that I'll jinx recovery).<P>Still can't believe all the horrible things that happenned last year. My H said, "the only good thing that came out of it, was that I accepted that I had a drinking problem and having that horrible affair and lowering myself & hitting rock-bottom woke me up. It's just too bad that it happenned that way."<P>Hope I never have to relive the horrors of last year ever again.<BR>
Posted By: Bozos_ Deb Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/01/00 04:11 PM
You guys are too great !<P>Jim, You are a dangerous man ! Between you, Chris, SHA , Rob, Goober and too many of the other males on thisboard to name you all have destroy my all men are pigs attitude ! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] It is amazing how you have all that money without ever seeing it. And it is very amazing to me that you are able to offer so much support to everyone here when you are hurting so badly yourself. I'll keep you in my prayers, even if I am a bit jealous of your upcoming trip.<P>Julie,<P>I am so sorry it has come to that point for you. Please keep your cool, don't allow yourself to be tricked or trapped into doing doing something that will get you into trouble. Your babies need you more now than ever, you are the sane parent. I'll be praying for you too.<P>Goober. I hate top see it come to this for you. Be careful of that limbo stick. My bod just won't bend that way anymore. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] At least you tried, no one can expect anymore than that from you. Maybe the seperation will wake her up.<P>Kathi,<P>The "in love" stuff takes loads of work but you can do it. I'm glad those moments are there for you.<P>cl,<BR>Egads my friend ! How in the world do you do it? I hope you like Florida, watch out for the gators ! I am glad things are going well for you, I hope things go well for hubby in school. <P>LuLu,<P>It sounds like you have emotionally distanced yourself from h, which is understandable. When you het hurt you have to have some way of protecting yourself. BUT , if you want to save the marriage, you're going to have to let the wall down , at least a little, easier said than done, I know. But if you keep freezing him out you will reach the place where you not only will not but can not let him back into your heart.<P>Lor,<P>i'm so so happy you guys are taking the steps toward healing and reconciliation. This has been so horrible for both of you, but I believe you will come out of this stronger people. <P>Windy,<P>It is never easy to get past all the pain, but you are taking the right steps. <P><BR>For me there isn't much to up date, we had the blow out Mothers day over him giving some strange woman who just came up to him in the grocery store parking lot our phone number and telling her where we live. And insisting that I should be her friend. <P>That was really bad. I was just all torn up that he did that without even asking me about it. It is just strange for a woman to go up to a man she has never seen before and start telling him all her problems and how her h has left her and won't come home ect. in a parking lot at night. I still say something is rotten about that. She even called here once, son answered the phone, I was laying down. I started getting hang up calls, those seem to have stopped.<P>Mike has missed two days of work this week, he has pinched a nerve in his lowe neck, upper back area and has been in a lot of pain. Poor baby. He doesn't even read here anynore, but that is up to him. We did work it out, even admitted he was thoughtless to do that. Of course this was after I was so upset that I actually (I'm so ashamed of this, please don't laugh at me) wet the bed. It's a stress thing. I haven't had that happen in ages. I was and am still so embarrassed about that one.<P>I won't know anymore about the medical stuff untill I see the new doctor on the 9th. I still hate the new insurance, but it's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, maybe.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>Hepatitis C, educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://hepatitis-central.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://hepatitis-central.com/</A>
Posted By: schizzo Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/01/00 07:15 PM
Bozo's_Deb<P>ya missed me in your reply. Guess I'll just have to go dancing with Sheba.
Posted By: Bozos_ Deb Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/01/00 08:26 PM
No Schizzo, I didn't miss you, or rather I didn't mean to. You and NoTrust both posted while I was writting my reply. As soon as I was done posting and hit the submit bar I had to go rub stuff on h's shoulder. So I didn't see your post till now. Sory.<P>So all this traveling and hotel living sounds good. As long as you and h are able to spend time together without it being unduely stressful on you guys or the kiddos all the better. Whatever it takes. Sometimes the crazy life can be fun.<P>NoTrust,<BR>I'm gald h see's the bad in his affair. So many times they only see that they had to give up a nice shiny new toy. I am glad things are better. Just remember, it takes time. None of us want to go through that kind of mess again. <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>Hepatitis C, educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://hepatitis-central.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://hepatitis-central.com/</A>
Posted By: Bellevue Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/02/00 01:51 AM
Hi, I'm sneaking in a visit to the boards while our son does homework and the laundry runs. Sorry, sorry, sorry, that you're in this mess. I hope you will be in a safe and comfortable place and that your lawyer is a barracuda. Please protect yourself and be well.
Posted By: cl Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/02/00 01:57 AM
Deb, is it time for you to start a beginning of summer party? <BR>Yep, Yep, Yep!!!!!!!
Posted By: heartache Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/02/00 02:07 AM
Hi Deb,<P>I posted a thread "http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003218.html<BR>which updates my life right up to today. Please go there and read about my year.<P>Glad to see you here [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I am ready for that summer party!! Let me know when [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<BR>"Loyalty Is A Two Way Street"<BR>
Posted By: josey Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/02/00 03:49 AM
Is it okay if I post my update here too? I mean I'm pretty new to this board. I've been getting so much help in the last week I'd like to if it's okay.<P>Here goes ... H & I are separated now 1 month 3 days and 8 hrs. He is temporarily (yeah, right) living with OW until he gets into his alleged house.<P>We are talking and no LB from me. He is blown away that I was so understanding when I learned he was living w/her. Thanks to Buffy, Missy9, CL, Kam6318, NoTrust and so many others (sorry if I missed any names) I was not a raving lunatic when we talked as I'm sure he was antipating. He even called me this morning at work for the first time in months and wanted to know HOW I WAS! Yeah!<P>In one week I've learned so much. I'm grateful for all the support & prayers more than I can say. I've also made a friend from the board who is local to my area (Gig Harbor, WA). We plan to hook-up and have coffee, talk and hopefully help each other.<P>I'm almost smiling just typing this post because I know God has answered my prayers by leading me here.<P>I plan on learning and stretching myself so I can be a better person so when my H does return we will have a new marriage, one that will never be in jeopardy of an affair ever again.<P>I plan on stepping up the plate and being there for every one of you when you're in need.<P>So there's my update for June 1.<P>Jo
Posted By: Lora Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/02/00 04:20 AM
My update. I feel like we are in limbo. H told me a week ago that he wants out of this marriage. Since then not much talking, he avoids me. I have been trying to do plan A. Maybe I made a little progress cause he left me a note to tell me he would be home late. Or maybe he just felt guilty.<P>I have been working on me and see things that are problems, but haven't been able to feel like I can cange then as yet. Might be a long process.<BR>Lora<BR>
Posted By: Bellevue Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/02/00 04:51 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Goober:<BR><B>I'm starting legal precedings on getting a divorce. We will do a one year seperation followed by the big D. I've been humiliated one too many times to maintain any kind of feelings for my wife.<P>I know I have some rough times ahead but as I maintained from the beginning, I did everything could (and will continue to until final) to keep us together, I have maintained my self respect and my dignity. I really believe i will come out of this a better person, one who knows how to be more caring, more compassionate, more open and more dedicated to the person I will be involved with.<P>Once everything goes through I am going on vacation, somewhere warm and south. Goober can still limbo with the best of them.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi Goober, I admire you a lot. Just want to ask, I don't remember whether you have found a therapist or a counselor, or if you have time to see one. It helps me. <P>Be well.<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess
Posted By: Bellevue Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/02/00 04:54 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by NSR:<BR><B>Ok...<P>I was going to, and probably will, do a separate post tomorrow...<BR>...asking for more prayers... again!<P>Overall, the news is not too good...<P>I have my trial date (divorce) set for Monday (June 5th)...<BR>...hoping for a postponment.<P>My W(stbx...yuck I hate using that accronym) will not talk to me...<BR>...about virtually anything!<P>W told my son I am a big fat liar...<BR>...that <I>now</I> I have his ~$30K social security benefit money...(huh???)<BR>...how it moved into my account is a miracle<BR>...my balance didn't go up one thin dime!<P>My attorney keeps telling me... the courts will not put aside any money for my kids education... and I will have to beg my W for it when the time comes...<BR>..oh yeahhh... he'll be glad to file an appeal... should cost about $5,000!<P>Unemployed for 2 weeks...<BR>(that's OK... I'll pick up a new job in July... I really can do it!)<BR>I'm going to Europe for 3 weeks in late June /early July for my grandparents 65th anniversary... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>...oh yeh...<BR>my son's car just died...<BR>...now I'm super taxi...<P>Gee...<BR>...Sheba... you up for a dance?...LOL<P>But I'm OK...<BR>...I got someone above looking after me... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim<P>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited June 01, 2000).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dear Jim, I couldn't check the boards for awhile, just wanted to ask how the communion went? Okay, I'll put you in my rosary, as well as other people here on the board.<P>Sleep well.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess
Posted By: Distressed Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/02/00 05:24 AM
For those wanting the short version, all I can say is UGH. Here comes the long version.<P>Now separated almost 21 months. More trips on the roller coaster than anyone can imagine. Have Plan Aed myself to death and thought I was making great progress the last few months. Husband is spending more and more time with us, obviously feels comfortable around me, and enjoys himself. Of course, he still won't talk about the "issues" (OW, our future, the marriage, how I need to change, etc.). He falsely started a divorce in February by sending me the paperwork with a waiver of service. I said I wasn't going to sign the waiver until we had an inperson discussion about the marriage. I scheduled it twice, he ducked it, and that was the end of the legal process.<P>Meanwhile, more and more time together, increasing helpfulness from him, and much better interaction with the kids. He suggested we jointly do a Mother's Day brunch for MIL at my house and helped me. Turns out, the night before the brunch he took his brother (visiting from out of state) out to dinner with the OW. This is the first indication of her presence since October 31, which was the last day we had a discussion about our marriage. She had never met any family members before.<P>BIL told me about it and that was too much for me to ignore. I told husband that I was very hurt and asked him what was going on. I got the usual set of answers, the "I gave up and moved on" stuff, but I also got an "I don't know what I'm going to do" in response to my question "are you going to pick up the divorce?". I expect the real answer is nothing. Perpetual limbo.<P>Meanwhile, the entire situation is taking an ever increasing toll on me. I am definitely not the same person I was two years ago, and much of the change is NOT an improvement. I used to be decisive, action-oriented, and in control of my own life. Now, I feel my self respect going down the toilet. My boss made some nicely worded but negative comments about my changes at work, and she's right. I am not the same.<P>I don't have answers for myself, but I'm feeling that I need to make some major life changes. I'm afraid of all directions - making major changes and continuing on are both depressing and terrifying thoughts.<P>Wow, this is quite a whine. Sorry.
Posted By: lonelymom Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/02/00 01:15 PM
Deb,<P>Neat idea [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>WOOZY...where are you????<P><BR>My update is fairly simple. I moved over to the divorced board. My divorce is on hold. MY ex withdrew his action (or whatever you call it) and I countersued.<P>I am ready. I don't want the marriage. I feel I went through a very bad period of pain and sorrow and now I'm ready to be happy again.<P>I took some time to be single. To enjoy it, to live it up, and to get wild and crazy. I even did it to the point I got sick of it. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Am seeing just one person now. Things are going well for the time being. I am very happy with my life and most of what occurs in it. The things I am unhappy with, are out of my control.<P>My ex still has a hold on me. He still has the ability to ruin my day, be disgusting and cruel to me and to control me while I don't know its happening.<P>Looking back on the whole affair and how it played out, I wish my ex would have just walked away peacefully. I have learned a lot. I continue to grow and become the person I was BEFORE my ex destroyed me 11 years ago. <P>I am not glad that it happened, because it hurt like hell, but I know now, this was for the best and I was not meant to be with him.<P>I know I'll have some down time, but I look forward to the future and I will do my best to be happy in it.<P>
Posted By: trustntruth Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/02/00 01:49 PM
Hi Deb - I'm a little late - (INFP trait? Good excuse? nah)<P>But I'm here with my update. Thanks for the thread, keeps me from posting my own!<P>Well, Mothers Day generally goes by without notice in my household - but this year was different - lots of recognition from the SD's and H bought me a scanner and a lake house! We take posession in a couple of weeks! Have some work to do on it - hoping to be moved in by winter. <P>Have a little Graves disease - so sleeping can be a hurdle for me. I have suffered immensely for my excitement - with the lake house and going to CA for my son's wedding - and I got a call from Washington DC and they are changing the funding request for my project from $150K 1 year to $400K 3 years. Too much excitement for this ole' lady - couldn't sleep for days! <P>Went to California for my son's wedding. It was beautiful. It was held at a resort in the desert, and our family pastor who is now retired performed the ceremonies. It became a family reunion - and it was a blast. <P>Son honored me so beautifully - with Bride's mom and myself going up to light our children's candle they used to light their own unity candle. Sermon during the service was wonderful - even my husband's father was touched with tears and renewal for his own marriage. (He is known as the infidelity King). The night before the wedding my X and my H, our two sons and my son's uncle all went bar hopping in Palm Springs. My Husband said he had a terrific time. He's not bothered by my X in anyway - except when I'm around, and then my X's mouth is drooling and my H wants to punch him out. (teee heeee)<P>They cancelled our flight out of Burbank to Minnesota, so they rerouted us to LAX and then the plane had problems - and to make a long story short - we didn't get home for 24 hours, which seriously affected my sleep again. Got home at 7 am instead of the previous day, and then I got sick, resistance was down - so it developed into pneumonia and I am in the recovery for this as I type. (coughing green chunks of something ick ick ick)<P>Oldest SD joined a ladies baseball team, and she asked us to go to her first game. How nice - X wife was there. PUKE. Then one of my H OW's is on SD's team. She was H OW during his first marriage. Then the OW from our marriage was on the opposing team. One view I told him was a KODAK MOMENT (HUGE LOVEBUSTER) when I said "See the view! There is Debbie (X) in front of us, SD is up to bat behind Julie (OW from first marriage) and there is Jody (OW from our marriage) in centerfield. How lovely, Mike! Aren't you proud of yourself?" He was not proud, more ashamed and angry. Just couldn't resist, then laughed it off - but I now it hurt him bad. I'm paying for that one evening over and over and over in my mind - awful visions of lies and affairs that I am combatting now but I am doing well not to mention it to Mike.<P>After the game when we got home he hugged me and said "he was glad that it was only an 'almost' mistake" (with Jody, still denying he had an affair.) Geez, I took the hug and bit my tongue. Can't wait till we move. Fraid it isn't far enough away.<P>So, that is my update!<BR>See ya at the block party.<BR>TNT
Posted By: az allison Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/02/00 02:21 PM
hi everyone...<P>this is a great thread, so interesting to see different updates. I am also in kind of a holding pattern. Thanks to all of you I am doing a remarkable plan A and it seems to be working well. H is calling a lot and spending time with me and kids at least a few times a week. His apartment is depressing as all he!! and things are breaking there almost daily (There is a God!). First the shower, then the dishwasher. Home must be looking good to him at those times.<P>I am very hopeful, but also very wary. I know I can not ever trust this man again, and the funny thing is...I am starting to change once I accepted that. I would love to be in a place in my life where I don't need him. He is seeing these changes in me, and it's scaring him and frustrating him. The icky, vengeful part of me has a fantasy that H asks to come home and I say...no...I'm moving on. <BR>So, day by day, things change. When we are together it is great. Always hug and kiss goodbye. Had a date last week with H which was wonderful and we both knew there was still "something there" between us. As soon as we start feeling close he pulls back though, and I'm left hurting again.<P>Anyone out there with a crystal ball? I'd love to know the outcome of this mess.<P>
Posted By: lila140 Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/02/00 02:40 PM
Hi all! I see good updates, limbo (where we are right now, and the sadder ones. I think of all of you and pray also. I see where there is growth too!<P>Well I have posted recently, update is:<P>We are seperated almost 4 weeks, at the midpoint of do we go on or not. I have grown, seen a lot of things in myself I did not like, what I was becoming. H has issue's he needs to resolve but so far denies the mood swings that he goes into. <P>I am doing things for myself, things I stopped doing a year ago, things that I enjoy or make me who I am. I am taking care of my daughters. I have good and bad days. <P>But things must improve in one direction or another. I pray daily for my family and for all of us here. I am thinking clearer and with more purpose. <P>God Bless you all and stay safe<BR>Lila<BR>Forgiving is easy, forgetting is not BUT it is not impossible!
Posted By: Tyra Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/02/00 04:09 PM
Well those that have been following my post know that H is on his way back to our state and town. He left MN on Tues, but I haven't heard from his since.<BR>Very nervous, because when I spoke with him last OW had been leaving him messages and wanting to rekindle their affair. I suggested it was not a good thing to return her calls, but he said I might just to end it here before I come home.<BR>I'm afraid she got to him and he has decided to stay there and not come home, and has been afriad to call me. <BR>If he does chose to stay there, then I think this will really be the end for us. <BR>At least I have done everything and can continue to move on like I have been.<BR>Especially for my son, because when he talked to his dad last Fri. Dad promised he would never leave us again. Then when I spoke to him on Tues. he was going thru withdrawl BIG time. <BR>#1 order of plan IS he must get some counseling and or meds for the depression.<BR>I cannot have him living here and being depressed, because I find myself falling there too. For the past 4 months, I have been like my old self, and it feels good!<BR>If he wants my help I will help him, but if he doesn't then he can just do it on his own, without living here in OUR home (mine and our sons) don't consider this his home anymore. I've changed everything that reminded me of him and I will not go back unless I SEE changes. IF not then it will be best for him to live on his own, at least while he tries to rebuid our relationship.<BR>That way my son and I won't feel like we're walking on egg shells again. Best for both of us.<BR>I will keep you posted.<BR>Tyra
Posted By: beth28 Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/02/00 04:19 PM
On summer vacation and reading at such a rate that I will be out of Harley books by today!! Ha Ha Ha. <P>My taker was in for a real big fuss the other night, and I had just about decided to let it throw a minor temper tantrum when my husband started tickling me. You can't stay mad even if you want to when you are laughing that hard. Anyway, I started getting butterflies like when we first met. That same fiery passion. He did something right...Score. (Although right about now I'm really unsure how to articulate it.) Anyway, life is improving drastically. <P>Currently working on artful negotiation. Well back off to have some fun in the sun...<BR>Hang in there guys the road does get immensely better. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]
Posted By: theo Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/03/00 05:37 AM
howdy all! My W and I are in the process of dissolution; we've had the meeting with the lawyers and settled all the issues (in record time! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]), so now they're just filling out the paperwork in the language of un-love called 'legalese'. We're probably halfway to the finalization...<P> I bought a new sporty car this past Friday (sunroof, CD player, leather int., 4-doors, black, etc. ...my wife got the mini-van; wasn't difficult for me to let go of it), so I'm excited to drive to NC for a vacation with the kids here in a few weeks. My mother and step-father rented a beach house and my sisters and their families are all staying there too. We all live in Ohio, but I'm driving separately in order to take a couple of days and have some fun with the kids. First vacation for all three of us without Vicky (my W); ugh, not looking forward to my family's face-to-face questioning. Hope they don't overdo it...<P>take care,<BR>theo
Posted By: cl Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/02/00 06:04 PM
TNT, the ball game?! I am just laughing to no end! A kodak moment....then send it to wassi to burn?<BR>So happy to read abt the house, the wedding, your job, and the great attitude you have maintained!!!
Posted By: mkn Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/02/00 06:24 PM
I don't post much anymore but still lurk.....Divorse is in process, have everything pretty much decided upon, taken the classes and waiting for the mediation to get over with.<BR> From everything I have read I had thought things would improve and I was arrogant enough to say things like her affair won't last (wrong) the newness would wear off and she would see clearly (wrong) that her boyfriend would never leave his wife (wrong). She is one of those on the small side of the statistic that says her affair will work. Her life is great, she has the man she planned for, she has her son the majority of the time and most importantly she does not have to contend with me. I had thought I was on my way to getting on with things but now it seems I have to get over the hurdle of the distinct possibility that I will have to share my son with the guy (now that he has left his W) and that is truly killing me. I really did not think I would ever have to do that.... just another thing to get used to.... <BR>This month it will have been 4 years since she told me she was in love with this guy. We were together for approx. 3 of those 4, looking back it was a big waste of time and energy.<BR>Now I have had the time to realize what I brought to the table and have learned a great deal of how to be a better husband. I am off the victim platform that I so pridfully put myself on and am trying to work on myself. <BR>I am with God, I hate divorse and always will...<BR>Michael
Posted By: J Willy Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/02/00 06:39 PM
Deb,<P>I have Plan A'd pretty well for the last 3 months as much as I can. W moved out March 1st and since that time she has been in England for 12 days, in Chicago for 9 days with OM. The OM was here for 2 weeks and currently my W is in England again with OM for 10 days. In between those times Plan A seems to be working a bit. In the last month, she has gone to lunch with me 3 or 4 times, we have gone to dinner twice, and we went to a movie once. She acknowledges my gifts with thank you cards and I have gotten a couple of kisses and several nice hugs. We still attend Church together and we have planed and had D's graduation reception and Piano recital award reception.She has even had me to dinner at her apartment one time. Just as important as that we have not been LB'ing. <P>Things are going well for this stage of the situation. These are tiny baby steps and we are along way from being together again, never the less they are steps in the right direction.<P>D is pregnant and W wants her to abort. D does not want to and I support the D, so she and I have been getting a lot closer...and that's a great thing. D lives with me.<P>I am becoming a much better person according to my counselor mostly through Plan A, prayers, friends, and family support along with this web site. I hope things continue to improve . My love for W continues to get stronger and I hope she eventually see the changes.<P><BR>Love and Prayers for All!!!<P>J W
Posted By: Bozos_ Deb Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/03/00 01:50 AM
Guys, thank you all for posting your updates, my cabel internet connection was down for last night and today. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I can't post long right now, but wanted to say something. Mike wants his turn on the comouter, so I'll go for now. I'll be back later tho.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>Hepatitis C, educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://hepatitis-central.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://hepatitis-central.com/</A>
Posted By: popeye Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/03/00 03:06 AM
After sending my H some posts that came from this board, he checked it out. Started a flame war and has just as quickly disappeared, I am afraid.<P>Not sure why he came. Was he looking for validation or truly trying to give us a chance? He could have been sincere. He's done a few things that seemed so... for a day or two.<P>Well, I talked to him today as a result of all that's been going on back and forth, and came to the conclusion AGAIN that there is no stopping the divorce and no changing the situation.<P>We were getting along just fine. I was trying to focus on matters of the heart, but he just wanted to talk about money. He has become so negative (and he says I changed!). He doesn't see his so many blessings, only what he is losing (namely me as a servant). He is still blaming and expecting me to do things that I did because I was his wife. For example, his dog that I never wanted is living at my house. He expects me to feed him, bathe him, and make sure he has whatever he needs because he can't have dogs at his place. He doesn't realize that it is HIS dog and HIS responsibility. He says I have "deep emotional" problems because I don't want to accept the responsibility for his dog. Because I don't want to be used, I have problems and I am selfish. It's the least I could do.<P>He told me that I manipulated our entire relationship for financial gain. I told him many times during our relationship that I felt my working for him was leaving me unfulfilled and without anything to fall back on. He told me that I was being selfish, that our money was our money regardless of who's name it was in and that everything was for our joint future. Now he's saying I am not entitled to anything and I cheated him.<P>His parting words were, "I'm sorry I ever married you." I told him I wasn't. Not sure if that fed his ego or made him feel guilty.<P>I'm still fine. It's not even a challenge not to love bust anymore. I let all that stuff go right over my head because it's all crap. Why get upset over crap, right?<P>I think he can't stand being around me because I am so perky that it makes him feel guilty. How can you give someone a mean sentiment when they just keep telling you how much they love you? ha! It's really not calculated to make him feel bad. It's more that I DON'T feel bad.<P>Except for him. He's got so much potential and so many blessings, and he is missing out on it all.<P>Anyway, he says he is contesting the divorce now because he thinks the settlement is too generous to me (it's NOT). So, what was supposed to be quick and painless is likely to drag on for some time now. As I said before though, I don't care. Today, next month, next year, it's all the same to me.<P>Sorry it's not a happy ending update.
Posted By: MENTAL Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/03/00 05:09 AM
I'm doing fine. The girls are okay. My job has been somewhat difficult...but I still like it.<P>Divorce will be final in August.<P>Have a psychological evaluation on Monday and starting to feel scared<P>Hope everyone is doing good<BR>Nancy<BR>
Posted By: Murphy Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/03/00 05:35 AM
Hi Deb,<BR> How's that all-summer-long party going?<BR> "YOU WANT TO TURN THAT RAP DOWN,I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK!" [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com].......that's better,thanks.<BR> Since my dinner date with Mitzi fizzled out over on the Divorcing board,I'll stop over here with an update.<BR> I never thought my W's affair with BoyToy would go the distance.She's been living with him a little over a year.Sounds like the real thing.<BR> I'm going to file for divorce.Between living with OM,going through a MLC,and some kind of identity crisis,it's over.It just wouldn't ever work again.That innocence we both once had is lost.<BR> Long time ago,she said she'd leave the divorce up to me,and didn't want much,just her freedom.I'm getting off better than most,keeping my house,and retirement savings.<BR> I recently had my lawyer draw up the papers,and I sent them to her.We'll see if she sticks to her intentions.She told me I was a good H,but she needed a new life.It seems like she's found it.<BR> Oh well,life goes on,right?Don't try to talk me out of it,I want this divorce.After all this time,maybe I really have moved on.<BR> <BR> Keep that party going.Turn that music back up."CAN'T YOU GET IT ANY LOUDER THAN THAT!!"<P> --Murph
Posted By: professorg Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/03/00 08:16 PM
Hi Deb,<P>All is well here. She started sleeping in OUR bed about two weeks ago. God is wonderful. We still haven't been intimate but did get a HJ on Thursday night. This is a real big plus since we last made love on 29 May 1999.<P>I love her more with each new day. God is opening my eyes to why she is in such great pain. I am being very supportive: full body massages that get very close to make love to me requests, praising her for getting her Associates in Applied Science, giving her money to cover her bloopers in money management (she becomes depressed when she realizes that she is still not doing this well. I know that I am not helping by saving her regularly but I am balancing her sanity with our boys.), buying her little gifts each month, keeping my mouth shut and listening to her without reply, giving advice only when she asks for it (this one is tough because it is so unlike me.), praying for her and the boys continually.<P>It is my desire to be what God wants me to be for her. I know sometimes that is not what she wants me to be for her. Yet, I have to do what God tells me is best for her because He made us all. I pray she will go back to her psychologist whom she has seen only once back in Jan. This morning she told me psychiatrist told her it was her option to take effexor. She has been taking it but not regularly nor with any feedback to her psychiatrist to see if any tweaking in dosage is necessary.<P>Her attitude is changing more as I give the appearance that she can do what ever she wants (meant in a very positive way, I know it sounds like I am putting on a facade. I am not. I am trying to determine the best possible solution to helping her. This is a problem for we analyzer types. Go to <A HREF="http://www.cfcministry.org/lifepathways/pid/index.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.cfcministry.org/lifepathways/pid/index.htm</A> to see what personality type you are.<P>Our oldest is much more at ease since I update them on how we are doing. I want them to benefit as much if not more than I do from our progress in getting closer. She still doesn't see the connection to how this affects the boys and she is getting her degree in early childhood education. All the classes she has taken talks about the affects of what is going on between us has on them. I guess she is overly focused on herself because that was what she experienced as a child. She still does get this when we are around her family. I have begun to get the same treatment from my family. I guess I chose not to see that my family was disfunctional as well. <P>While we were home for my mother's retirement, I found that my family has become more like her family. We were much closer when we were children through early adulthood. Now that we are all in our 30's we seem to be drifting apart because they are all struggling in their relationships but don't really want to talk about it with anyone outside of letting it stew inside without discussing how they really feel with their spouses.<P>My brother is divorcing his W. I can only be supportive of his decision and be there when he finally understands that it is not going to be as easy as he thinks it is going to be. Most of his issues center around his W's behavior which is very close to childish. I know this sounds bad but it is true. As a matter of fact we ALL act childish from time to time. I know I have my moments more than I would like.<P>Getting back to my W and me, we are getting closer because she uses we and us when she disciplines the boys. She had stopped using those words. I truly do love her. She is and ALWAYS will be God's gift to me regardless of what she thinks of me because I come across as an insensitive dolt. I just know that she is part of the reason that I have grown much closer to God. <B>I am truly thankful that I obeyed Him when He asked me to marry her. I don't regret doing His will.</B><P><B><I>I skimmed most of the posts. Thanks Deb for including me among such wonderful men and for the glowing accolade. I give God all the glory, honor, and praise for my actions. I only want Jesus to live His life through me. Such kind words says that I am keeping my selfishness out of the picture and that He is doing what He said He would. It also lets me know that I am NOT giving Him the black eye that I sometimes feel that I am, particularly when it comes to my W and our boys.</I></B><P>I have rambled on long enough. I pray for everyone here continually because He will answer our prayers as long as we allow Him to use us. It hurts but in the end it will be well worth the minor amount of pain (though it seems to be overwhelming right now.)<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net <P><BR>[This message has been edited by professorg (edited June 03, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by professorg (edited June 03, 2000).]
Posted By: rrunrr Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/03/00 09:28 PM
He knows that it's a real thorn in my side for him to be gone from 7am - 9pm but it doesn't seem to sink in (either that or the gym is a bigger priority right now).<P>This is the problem I had, also. She ran ultras and the training took time away from me. So as retaliation I hung out throwing darts after finishing the chores at home which I did during the training. I managed to get them done before she returned. She eventually noticed my absence and asked that I be home when she got there. I wish I had done so then. <P>Eventually, that passed as I embraced <BR>her accomplishments. I even participated in the training. (We/she did a few runs near Huntsville) <P>But she had developed an EA. Now it may be too late, but I keep hope and a prayer that it is not. I doubt this helps you though. <P>She did things on her own, in retaliation, and came home when she felt like it. More communication problems!! <P>Not talking is what sank us. We would not bring up these issues because of the arguements that resulted. Therefore, I avoided being around her on Saturday. She worked late. Any clue why the marriage deteriorated??<P>rrunrr<P>(nothing wrong with a ramble now and then)<BR>
Posted By: Anonymous Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 06/04/00 02:00 AM
removed<p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited June 05, 2000).]
Posted By: beth28 Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 12/01/00 04:14 AM
Thought this might be an interesting post to bring back up. How about a 5 month afterwards update? <P>We're still doing good. Communication has gotten much better, and I am losing much of that take several deep breaths before approaching a delicate subject with him. We are planning a future together, and I am newly astounded at how on the same page we seem to be about so much stuff. Well the whole rediscovery process in itself is fascinating to me. So this is what it feels like to be on a team? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Life still has its down moments, but when I stop wallowing, and put things in perspective the road we are on seems so far away from where we've been. (The scenery is much prettier too. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] )
Posted By: popeye Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 12/01/00 01:47 PM
Beth28, glad it's good news.<P>My life with the STBX is pretty much the same. He's still delusional an still with the OW. The OW is much more blatantly ruling things these days. She's taken over my role with the H and I am definitely out. <P>This does not bother me however, because my point of view about the whole thing has changed. Now I believe my STBX is affected by being an adult child of an alcoholic and that he is a sex addict. Unless and until he gets help for these things, he will continue to think and act the way he does. That isn't an attractive prospect for me. I have no regrets about not trying more or not giving more or that it hasn't worked out.<P>He was here two days ago and I just wanted him to get out. I felt like he was invading my space and threatening my privacy. I felt like he didn't belong here. I don't want him back.<P>My life is peaceful and good and moving in positive directions. I still think about things, but they don't affect me like they used to. I have pretty much stopped caring about what he's doing and what he's feeling.<P>We're STILL not divorced and not sure when that is going to happen. I am basically letting him pay for that. It's the least he can do. So, when he gets around to it, that is when it will happen.
OK, I'll bite. Not much posting lately, because things are quite good. I've found a balance between hobbies and spouse; Dragon Lady is, if not out of the picture, mostly out of it. I know she has a new job where she's not dealing with H, so I suspect it's just e-mail jokes every now and then.<P>H seems happy with the attention he's getting. I'm going up to my folks' mid-month (probably to see my stepdad for the last time); and I'm cool with leaving H at home alone -- no anxiety at all.<P>AND, I start a new job when I get back.<P>My therapist has helped me A LOT. Those of you considering counseling, please keep in mind that those who make YOU DO THE WORK are far more effective.<P>I was luckier than many people here in that I recognize the problem very early on, took quick action, and got quick results.<P>The techniques we know about from here are not magic bullets, and they do not always work, but they are HIGHLY EFFECTIVE.
Posted By: Bellevue Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 12/01/00 05:55 PM
My update: <P>I've joined Club Med (zoloft 50 mg daily; xanax on marriage counseling days only, just before leaving the house)<P>Keeps me from going ballistic when H says something totally outrageous. [mostly] <P>However in session about 3 weeks ago he accused me of resenting any of his outside interests and activities, even his playing basketball on Saturday mornings. Even the xanas and zoloft didn't stop me. <P>I shouted at him that it was a total lie. Once out in the hall he admitted that he was wrong about that. [I even re-arrange my own schedule, cancelling my own appointments, so that he can play.] <P>He needed to see me as a controlling witch to justify his own *** behavior.<P>Let's see, other progress:<P>He has said "I love you" to me in session without the qualifier ("just not the way you want me to.") <P>He has decided that the problem is probably merely a matter of semantics. (How's that for weasling?)<P>Our counselor gives us homework which we both are doing.<P>He kissed me twice on the cheek this week. With puckered lips! Yes, his lips touched my cheek. No Hollywood kiss. It's definite progress (I'm not being facetious; this is the truth.)<P>Sometimes he looks right at me, and I can see the color of his eyes. Last counseling session, they were turquoise, instead of gray. Though we were disagreeing, and he was complaining about the fact that we were even talking about kissing (on the cheek, yet) he was being genuine. He said it makes him uncomfortable to talk about "sex" (he equates a kiss on the cheek with "sex") I know that as controlled as he is, his eyes and skin color are his "lie detectors".<P>On my side, I feel less connected, and actually wish he WOULD stay out longer with the dog talking to OW on the phone. My heart feels cold a lot, literally. <P>If I know he's not coming home for dinner, I feel lighter, and my S and I enjoy dinner more. He's so dour, so critical, always telling our S he's taking too big a bite, not to let his teeth make noise on the fork, to sit up straight, etc. Any meal without him has a lighter feel to it.<P>My H sits at the head of the table, I'm at the right, S at his left. I've moved the dining room chairs slightly toward the foot of the table, because when our S sat closer to my H he swung his feet and sometimes caught his Dad in the leg. [The same thing can happen to me and I don't even notice.]<P>Our S likes to put his feet up on my lap after dinner while we sit and talk. Now he can swing them up unnoticed without accidently kicking his Dad or being criticized for putting his feet on my knees.<P>I'm not in love any more. I'm committed, but am looking at our marriage from another angle. There's been a lot of damage done, and I accept my part in allowing it to happen and for my own actions and cruelties.<P>I think Harley is right. You can't repair while the OP is still in contact with the WS. After awhile the BS gets cold.<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess
Posted By: beth28 Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 12/01/00 08:55 PM
Oh and one more big tidbit. (Well actually I think getting smaller would be more appropo.)<P>I've lost 34 pounds since D-Day. See there is silver in that gray cloud. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I see a bit of a rainbow...
Posted By: RWD Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 12/01/00 11:32 PM
Just killing some time and saw some old names here. I hope everyone is doing well.<P>My update: today is my 10th month divorce anniversary. Kids are doing well, I doing pretty good too. X is Tampa this weekend getting married to om.<P>Thats about all I have!<P>God Bless to all!!!!
Posted By: cl Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 12/01/00 11:50 PM
hi all!<BR>Belle? It does sound better, but still talking to ow? Ouch. <BR>RWD?! Nice to see your name! I usually have to go to the other forum to read abt you. Glad you and the kids are doing fine. Going to Nville? <BR>Beth, the affair diet is a killer-be careful not to lose too much weight adn stay healthy.<BR>Deb, where is your update? Waiting.....impatiently! <BR>FOr me, I am doing fine. Still wondering when the love comes back totally. I want it ALL! Know that feeling? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>Aloha, cl<p>[This message has been edited by cl (edited December 01, 2000).]
Posted By: Bozos_ Deb Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 12/02/00 02:00 AM
All right I'll post one but only because cl forced me to ! Let go of my arm now please . [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] <P>Thing here are things, what can I tell you . The latest battle is over a web cam. <P>Mike went to the computer store to buy a new something or other, and saw a web cam (probably used) on sale for $20.00, he bought it. Then without discussing it with me, installed it. Then I found where he was looking into web cam chats. This whole thing has made me very uncomfortable, and I protested. I got the * do I have to have your approval on everything I do to the computer , and it's no big deal, I'm not doing anything * bs again. :sigh: I don't like it, and who knows what he will do when/if he starts doing web-cam chats. Remember the ICQ battles.<P>(I was already upset that he brought home a new kitten, that he didn't ask me about, and kept, knowing I didn't want it, sorry but the dog and cat we had already are old and don't go knocking everything off table, counters and shelves daily, and he won't clean up after this kitten, so I pick things up only to have kitten make a mess again) <P>So at this point I will say it stinks to be me. Maybe one day I will get the guts to walk, I think that's what he wants. If I leave he isn't the bad guy.<P>Yes, I am feeling sorry for Deb again.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>
Posted By: yes_dup8 Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 12/02/00 02:04 AM
FYI, folks:<P>Petunia and I are closing in on two years since D-Day -- only 3 more months. Hard to believe it was that long ago.<P>Things are great, and have been for a while. I'm sorry I don't post much anymore, but I do lurk, and I have to say that the new folks are getting some GREAT advice and help from everyone here.<P>Glad to see people like K and cl and Lor and D&C (and I'm sure there are others I'm forgetting) are still around to provide their wisdom.<P>Love to you all, and I wish you speedy recoveries.<BR><P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>
Posted By: Murphy Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 12/02/00 03:39 AM
Hey All,<P> I don't post much,either,but still stop by from time to time.Sad to see so many new faces here,and on the Divorce Forum. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR> <BR> I'm divorced now,and living on my own.I'm still in our house,where I'll probably stay for some time.I just get out and try to meet new people,but staying out of serious relationships for now.Too much emotional baggage!Still pretty angry at my ex,too.So,I'm dealing with that,but trying to set some goals for myself,and getting on with my life.I also find that I'm growing more independant,and slowly gaining my self-esteem back.Wouldn't THAT be nice? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P> I sure would like to thank everyone who's helped me get through this mess.I've tried to keep my sense of humor,and put some of that in my posts,too.I dare anyone to beat our record number of posts on the Megathread over on the divorce board! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P> Thanks again,folks<BR> You're a great bunch of people!<P> ~~Murph [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]
Posted By: beth28 Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 12/02/00 07:13 AM
My weight loss is a good thing. Infidelity diet broke me about 15 pounds a year , and 3 months ago. Lost another 20 on the Atkins diet. (My husband went on it, and so I went on it too to support him.) I gained 15 of it back when the pasta cravings hit. Finally decided to lose weight for me, and have been on weight watchers since September. Lost 18 pounds on that program to date. I'm also eating much healthier than I ever did, and experiencing the joy of my cookbooks instead of making the same old things. Sadly to say, I had the 34 pounds to lose (and a bit more) but now I'm starting to see my beautiful curves come back. (As opposed to the more rounded ones.)<P>The weight was the first piece of homework my therapist gave me post D-day. I was a little taken aback at first because I wanted to feel better, and certainly telling me I was portly wouldn't do it. I see the wisdom of it now. The little bit of pain at hearing those you should think about dieting is well worth the self-esteem benefits after you've accomplished a significant weight loss. It also focused me off of my misery and onto something I had control of.<P>NSR? what's going on with you? I see you are posting infrequently, and you have been in my prayers.
Posted By: gentle Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 12/02/00 09:40 AM
Sorry wrong thread.<p>[This message has been edited by gentle (edited December 02, 2000).]
Posted By: cl Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 12/02/00 01:57 PM
Hi All,<BR>Nice to see so many familar names! Happy Holidays to all.<BR>Deb, the tone of your note concerns me. First the kitten....this is just a little thing is the big scheme of things. So you being upset by it leads me to believe there are a lot of things you are holding in and not feeling so good about? There are underlying issues? <BR>The webcam....WOW. I can see why this concerns you given the history. What is up with the defensive posture from bozo regarding 'your approval on everything'? What does he plan to use it for? Do you have close friends and family that you chat with? <BR>Personally I hate those things, so maybe I am projecting my feelings? I usually am online in my robe, hair mussed, drinking coffee (like now), so would never want a cam around! <BR>Where is the POJA?! <BR>hugs, cl<P>
Posted By: Lilly Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 12/02/00 07:16 PM
After 2 1/2 years there has been almost 4 months with no contact with ow! He has seen her from a distance twice and told me each time. He gives me his check and is very accountable to me and we are getting able to talk through things most of the time.<P>We just bought a new travel trailer and we are planning trip to Alaska next summer.<P>I'm finding the holdays are giving me lots of bad triggers and I am struggling with my emotions right now.<P>I'm finding I still have to be patient, but I know recovery takes time like everything else.<P>------------------<BR>Lilly
Posted By: RWD Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 12/02/00 09:34 PM
cl,<BR>No, I won't be going to Nashville as I will have no money at that time. Beside my son's birthday and Christmas this month, I also have my homeowner's insurance due($400) and my property taxes($900) will be due some time in Jan. I haven't figured out how I'll pay for them yet. So a trip to Nashville is out of the question at this time.<P>Murph,<BR>Good to hear from you. Know the feeling!
Posted By: crazy or what? Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 12/02/00 11:28 PM
Hi All,<P>I finally have a few minutes to sit at the computer. Working 55 hrs a week and being a single mom to three teenagers,3 dogs one who is 3 mos old, a cockatiel, 2 parakeets, 2 aquariums of fish and one loan guppy in a bowel takes up most of my time. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I'm doing pretty well. My divorce from H will be final Dec 11th. It kind of makes me sad but I'm actually doing ok. I'm off the prozac and just taking St. Johns wort and my mood had been pretty upbeat. I just celebrated my 36th b-day on Thanksgiving. The first b-day I have celebrated without my H for 17 years. He did call to wish me a happy b-day and a nice thanksgiving for what that is worth. H is still living with OW2 and her kids in our home which is hard on my kids but they are adjusting fairly well. H says he still isn't happy and that he misses us but I don't see him doing anything about calling off his relationship to her so the divorce will go on as scheduled. <P>Nice to read all the posts and to see that so many of you are doing so well. I do believe that MB does work for most but sometimes there is only so much one can do.<P>Take Care,<P>Jill
Posted By: jamie-lee Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 12/03/00 01:02 AM
I don't thnk i posted this on this forum, but to those of you who didn't know, I gave birth to my secon child, a baby boy on the 14th of this month..... Doing okay adjusting to being a mother of two. Two year old is doing great. She loves 'her' baby, so she calls him. <P>STBX, visited for the leave the military gave him. it was weird him being here. Since he's left and we are being cordial. He is not seeing anyone at this time, but its not going well with us either. I think that last thing he told me as far as how he felt for me was...that he loved and cared for me in a platonic (sp?) way. Whatever!!<P>I'm okay, besides fighting a little depression. I know I should be happy with the new baby and all, but I feel so down...I love both of my babies and they give me strength, however.<P>That's all!!<P>------------------<BR><B>Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com
Posted By: Bozos_ Deb Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 12/03/00 04:06 PM
cl,<P>The kitten is a big deal, because I have been very clear for the last several months that I don't want anymore animals in the house. I don't hate animals, but I get tired of having to take care of them when he drags them up. And because he didn't even take how I felt about it into account. He just did it, without so much as talking to me about it first.<P> The deeper issues are that as far as Mike is concerned, POJA doesn't exist. And I have had a belly full of of it. Sorry, I know that isn't MB thinking, but it's true. <P>He uses the *approval on everything* line because he knows it has made me feel bad in the past. I rarely chat, and when I do it is in the chat room for another messageboard we both post on (unrelated) .
Posted By: justthewife Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 12/04/00 07:28 PM
Hmmmmm, let's see. I am fine, almost good really. There has been no contact for a few months now, H has been going to sex addict meetings, and marriage counseling is going well. ALL HAIL THE WONDER OF PROZAC. I am working out every day, I even ran in a 5K on Saturday. I am fitting nicely in size 18 jeans, and I must say I turn me on WOOO MAMA. Because of H's big accident and not working we had to file bankruptcy. That was kind of a bummer, but some good has come out of it - we don't have to worry about selling our stupid bad neighborhood house, it is just gone, we aren't argueing about money, there are no credit cards he can use without me knowing, all money is cash through "the bank of James" (my dad). And I think the bankruptcy kind of ties us together even more - we are in the same boat, no chica is going to look at him as a meal ticket..... Health wise I am doing awesome - depression lifting in a big way, weight down, blood pressure NORMAL!!! and the doc is putting me on thyroid medicine because I guess I am only running at 25% which adds to the depression, weight, tired....... My kids are thriving out here in the sticks of Wisconsin. Geeze, I am A - OK. I still have my moments, probably always will, but we are really sailing along. OH - had our anniversary in November - spent it in the hospital keeping watch over H who had to have emergency appendectomy. I am trying to only go on the computer a tiny bit - it is kind of a LB at our house for whatever reason, but if anyone needs me ever my email is reddingwilkie@cs.com
Posted By: Nellie1 Re: Updates, post your updates here. - 12/04/00 09:32 PM
He has been living with the OW and her kids for 21 months now. As of early January, my H will have divorced me. He is spending less and less time with our children. He "couldn't" go to their teacher conferences this year. Last year he was very anxious to have them for a second Thanksgiving dinner - this year he cancelled because he was sick and has not mentioned anything about rescheduling. Neither of our older daughters are speaking to him; a couple of the other kids have lost virtually all trust in him. He still is out of work, and his unemployment has run out and he seems, not surprisingly, stressed. I am still employed, but the company I work for isn't doing very well. <P>Everyone who assured me that it gets better was, unfortunately, terribly wrong. <BR>
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