#(^(*&$#%^&1#@@#%&(*($^% - 11/12/00 06:04 AM
Fair warning . . .This is a long and venting thread. . . <P><BR>I joined this forum almost two years ago. <P>At that time I had recently discovered that my W had not only had a physical affair, but had also engaged in MANY internet affairs.<P>I did not now what I wanted to do, how I should respond, or even if I would survive, either physically or emotionally.<P>Like many of the betrayed on this forum, I spend some time where I considered the possibilties, ramifications and realities of having an affair of my own.<P>There have many conversations on this forum concerning this subject which I have been involved in over the years. In each case, I have offered my sounsel advising that this was not the way to accomplish "anything." Especially if rebuilding your marriage was the goal in mind.<P>Well there have been a several instances where people on this forum, including my own W have have accused me of either having an affair myself, or at the very least allowing myself to be in a situation where an eventual affair was inevitable.<P>Well, you what . . .I'm fed up with it <P>Maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself. <P>I told my W about this forum and that I had been posting for a while and asked her to come read and hopefully post on her own.<P>I did this because my W was un-willing to open up to me concerning her infidelites and the situations which led up to the deterioration of our marriage.<P>Needless to say, this thinking proved to be less than fruitful.<P>Yes my W has told me some things. She has answered a lot of the questions which have come up, yet she continues to refuse to open up to me.<P>The majority of the times that my W has posted on this forum, it has been to respond to the "fluff" threads. You know the ones I'm talking about . . . How old are you, what are your birthdays, or anniversaries, etc.<P>The threads which would have involved my W actually opening up, have been avoided by her.<P>Anyway, closer to the present, she posted a thread awhile ago complaining because I had asked a friedn from work for the Email address of the minister at her church. He had offered to talk with me, and my W for that matter, anytime we needed. Well, I reached the point where I felt I was finally ready to to talk with a minister. I knew that there were areas of my life where I needed to improve.<P>Now, I have attempted to make this "step" a few other times in my life, and been shafted on each of those other occasions, so when I first started thinking about this, I did not tell my W about it until I had received a reply from the minister agreeing to talk with me.<P>To back up slightly . . . Thisfriend from work, is a young woman who I intruduced to my W. They ended up becoming pretty good friends. In fact they talked on-line or on the phone most every day. I on the other hand would have been lucky if I saw this friend a grand total of an hour a month.<P>Anyway, after obtaining the Email address from this friend, and recieving a reply from minister within a day, I sent an Email to this friend commenting that I had heard back from minister, and that I was a bit surprised that he had actually agreed to talk with me.<P>My W's response when I got home that might, and told her that I had contacted the minister and was going to meet with him, was to come to this forum, and post a thread implying that I was starting an affair with this friend. With her friend.<P>Naturally, I was almost immediately attacked by members of this forum, telling me that I was doing everything wrong, that I was in fact either involved in an affair, or at the very least, was begining one.<P>A few days later, I found an Email that my W had sent to a member of this forum telling them that my W did in fact belive I was having an affair with friend.<P>OK, back to the present for a minute. . .<P>This friend of both my W and I, is a young woman with 4 young choldren. She is involved in a marriage which is at best "On the Rocks." In fact at one point, after my W and I had gone ove to this friends house when her H, had decided to disapear on weekends,on hunting trips, I came home and printed out all of the concepts of this forum, including the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionairs for this friend and her H.<P>Well anyway, a few weeks ago, I saw this friend walk into work, and it looked like she had stopped wearing her wedding rings. Since we see each other so seldom at work, it took me several days to see her again, and actually determine that she had in fact stopped wearing her rings. Well, I told my W about this. I also told her that I had thought about, then discarded the idea as unwise, walking up to this friend and commenting about her rings, and making a comment that if she was "advertising" to count me in. My W's response to this was that I should go ahead and do it.<P>Well one day last week, I got a few minutes to talk with this friend and found out that she really was having a lot of trouble in her marriage. I told my W what this friend had told me, and she again asked me if I was going to do the "proposition" idea I had briefly considered. I told her that I was not going to do this, and my W became almost insistant that I should "go ahead." I then asked her what would happen if I went ahead and did this, and our friend said "yes". My W's only response to this was to again ask me if I was going to "do it." After repeating several times, that I was not going to say this to our friend, my W responded by saying "well wouldn't it be nice to know that someone who looks like her would be interested?"<P>My response to her was that this was not the point, and that I was not going to ask her the question. It took my saying this several times before my W finally stopped telling me to "ask her."<P>Anyway. A couple of days ago, I was watching TV, and my W was on-line, and started talking with this friend of ours. Evidently she had been having car problems. As they talked, my W asked her if she wanted to car-pool with me the next day. After a few minutes, my W told me that this friend did in fact want to ride in with me the next day.<P>The ride to work takes almost an hour. during that time, we talked about the problems in her marriage, talked about the "image" her no longer wearing her rings makes to many men. (We work for a VERY LARGE company, and she has been propostioned many times). I told her, as she has been told many times both not only me, but by my W as well, that if she ever needed anything, even if it was just to talk, to call us.<P>Shortly after I started work, I received a couple of messages from this friend saying that she had something she wanted to tell me, and another asking if I still had the Email address of the minister. She had apparently forgotten his address. I informed her that I did not have the address with me, but that if she asked my W when she came on-line, she could give it to her.<P>Well when lunch came, I went over to this friends desk, adn asked her what she had wanted to tell me. She said that it was pretty serious, but at the same time funny. I asked her if she was going to get lunch, and she told me that she wasn't sure she would be able to eat after what had happened. I told her that she needed to eat something, and had her walk over to the cafeteria with me. During the walk, she told me the story my W related in her dieting thread, about her H finding a condom in her purse, which was in her car at home. He called her at work and accused her of having an affair. When we got to the cafeteria, we got our food and walked back to our desks. We each went to our own desks, ate and went back to work.<P>When it came time to go home, we again talked on the way home. I asked her what she planned on doing, what she was feeling, and if she was alright. During this conversation, she would start to say things, then stop herself. When I asked her what she was afraid of, she said that there were thing in her past, which she was ashamed of, and afraid to tell for fear that these revelations would be used against her. I assured her, that I was not going to "use anything against her" or "judge" her. She began to continue, and asked that I not reveal these things to anyone. I agreed.<P>After dropping her off at home, I went home, and then went to the store and dinner with my W and D. The majority of the evening was spent with my W and I talking about the conversations I had with our friend. My W even commented at one point, that if our friend was staying with ehr H only to have a father figure for her kids, that my W would pack me into the car, and take me ove to our friends house, so that I could spend some time with her kids.<P>OK, so we are almost up to today . . . I came home from work yesterday, adn check this forum, something that I only do every few weeks any more, and find a thread by my W. In the course of this thread, my W again, implies that I am involved in or at least starting an affair with this friend of ours. And once again, there are comments made accusing me of this same activity.<P>You know what . . . I've about had it. <P>I have gone out of my way to tell this friend of ours that she scares me. That with her marrital problems, and my history of marrital problems, it would be ver easy to have things happen, before we were even aware of where things had gotten. We have both agreed to continue to remind each other of this fact during the times when we do talk.<P>OK, one other thing I want to share here. . .I mentioned at the beginning of this thread that I had considered the possibilties, ramifications and realities of having an affair of my own. I want to share some of those thoughts. . .<P>Many, not all, women who have affairs are looking for a way to end their marraiges and find someone better, or are looking for a more adventerous sex life. With these ideas in mind, how do I rate, as a potential affair partner. . .<P>I am almost 40, over weight, going grey. I do not make a lot of money, and have a lot of financial problems to boot. I am not very well "endowed", and in fact was once told by my XW, "You're not very big at all" when we had our first sexual encounter.<P>I know, I know, I should have known continuing that relationship was not a smart thing, but that is an entirely different story . . .<P>Anyway, I believe that I have gone out of my way to prove to my W and everyone else here for that matter, that rebuilding my marriage was my primary goal. Assuming that I were to decide at some point, not to continue in my marraige, I know full well, that my W and my in-laws would rake me over the coals concerning alimony and child support.<P>So waht could I offer to a potential affair partner as described above . . .<P>For the one looking to replace their spouse, I would be offering a man approaching middle age, who is out of shape, flat broke, and destined to pay an outragous amount to my XW in alimony and child support. And to add insult to injury, I would only be able to offer mediocre sex.<P>For the person looking for a strictly seuxal relationship, I would be able to offer only medicore sex.<P>Real good prospect aren't I . . . <P>Bottom line here is, that I would like to see my marriage restored, so why in the he11 would I get involved in an affair with a woman that I am almost 14 years older than? My goal is to try and help a friend, who happens to be female, understand and make some descions concerning her marriage. I had thought that I was doing this with the blessing and assitance of my W.<P>Obviously I was wrong.<P>And, as far as my standing and membership in this forum . . . I am begining to think I may have made a mistake in that area as well. . .<p>[This message has been edited by Empty Shell (edited November 12, 2000).]