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I see the remorse in my H's eyes, hear it in his voice, through his tears, in his arms when he holds me as I break down on occasion. I know it is sincere; I know he takes full responsibility for his actions in the pain and agony this has brought to my life.<P>I am wanting to know, does the OW ever feel any remorse for the part she played in this betrayal, in causing this unbearable pain, towards another woman? I know with all certainty that I could never do this to another woman; whether she had children or not, is irrelevant. I just couldn't do this to any married woman.<P>I do not understand why she feels no remorse at all. Why she feels that what she did was not wrong. Sometimes, I want to go shake her, slap her, yell and scream, tear her hair out over what she's done; I'm not a violent person, but these feelings surface and it frightens me that I could feel that way towards another human being. . . <P>She was manipulative and controlling during the very brief A; seems to be that sort of person in all dealings with others, whether they are friends, co-workers, etc. And, after many sessions of going over details of the A, my H & I both see that very clearly. Not that this excuses his actions, because he allowed himself to be sucked into it when he could have been strong and said "no". But the OW seems to feel she has no blame at all in any of this. And, we all know, it takes 2 to tango . . . <P>I'm just struggling to understand how she can at all consider herself blameless in this very ugly mess . . .
Not only does the OW not have remorse in our case, my H told me that she thinks I'm the ***** for allowing our relationship to get to where it was. She's very angry that I didn't show him the love that she does.....<P>What a warped mind she has.....
I know exactly how you feel. The OW in our case apparently had men--married and single--lined up wanting to be with her, yet she chose MY husband. After H told me everything and she continued to work at the family business, she answered the phone almost every time I called. I never wanted a lengthy apology, but a simple "I'm sorry for what this has done to you" would have been nice.<P>I, too, am anything but violent. But there were times I had an almost irresistible urge to smash my car into hers or to run my key along the side of her newly purchased used car. Pulling her hair out or clawing her eyes also went through my mind.<P>My husband has been 100% remorseful and repentant, but it would really help me if he would say that he sees how manipulative she was. I can't offer any advice, just possible comfort in knowing that you are not alone.<P>------------------<BR>"Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:7
the OW in our case showed absolutely no remorse. In fact, she tried to make me look like the b**** because I found out about the A. She actually cried to my H that now she had to tell HER H about the A because she knew if she didn't I would. She didn't want me to have that kind of power over her! Can you believe it?!?!? <P>After my H sent her our no contact email (it was cold and to the point), she actually had the balls to tell H that he had some nerve sending that email after all the s*** HE caused (she instigated EVERY aspect of this A). After I sent her a nasty little email myself, she had the nerve to ask me what the hell my problem was! She even told both of us that she was "sick of our s***" and had all she could take of this crap. Poor baby! Someone ought to bring it to her attention that she brought all of this onto herself.<P>All OW are just amoral little s**** who deserve every bad thing that ever happens to them. I know it takes two to tango, so to speak, but a woman who blatently and willfully goes after another woman's husband is nothing but a classless piece of you know what.<P><p>[This message has been edited by hurts2much (edited November 28, 2000).]
ow told me that I have low self-esteem. I think a perfect example of low self-esteem is going after a married man while having a husband and 3 year old at home. Low self-esteem is back biting at work, black mailing the owner of the company she worked for, having 5 jobs in 2 1/2 years, 5 cars in 2 1/2 years, surrounding herself with the worst possible losers as friends, going so far in debt to "appear" to have it all together that bankruptcy is the only way out, and making a profession out of destroying other people's lives. Low self esteem involves not caring about others especially children as long as one's desires are met. She is so anxious to label me as having self esteem problems that I think she's really talking about herself. I have a wonderful child, no debt, a good job, a church family that cares about me, fine moral friends, and a husband who is desperate to have me back after all he's done. She has none of that. She's lost everything. It's really so very sad for her.
Our OW has shown remorse and I believe her. I believe she's having almost as hard a time with this as the rest of us. ALMOST.... So, maybe I'm one of the "lucky" ones, I don't know. I do feel that it has helped ME in this recovery knowing that she's sorry about hurting me and my family. Anyway you look at it, everyyone is responsible for his or her own actions. I don't blame her for what my husband did but I do blame her for what SHE did. I blame my husband for what he did and I blame me for what I did. ( I didn't meet my H's EN)
I've really never thought about whether or not the little tramp has any remorse about it or not. <P>She probably regrets that she no longer can contact my H in any way shape or form (restraining order). She probably regrets that he wouldn't leave me for her, that was never even an option.<P>I give her very little thought.<P>
All I can say is I hope so. To think that she would go through her whole life thinking what she did was OK is just beyond my ability to understand. Who knows though, there may be trash that never becomes anyones treasure!
.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 20, 2001).]
Our OW has told so many lies that I don't think she knows truth from fiction...<BR>She has no remorse - said she did, yet how can someone who has lots of screen names, on a phone meeting service, and says to H in an email "I stopped looking after I found you." have any conscience???? I am dealing with a pro, I am convinced - I think she has been at this for awhile, looking to better her situation, waiting for the right wealthy man to take her. She is a pathological liar; a manipulator, and she is married with two children - has been married for 14 years, and she is 32!!! I feel for her poor husband who has definitely been duped!! She has convinced him that I am a psychotic, jealous wife who "thinks" her H is having an A with her, but nothing has happened!! Pullleessseeeeee!!! She is good!!<BR>Will keep you posted...
Some do feel remorse, and some do not. There are ow who feel they have done nothing wrong, that they made no promises to the w . That it is the h and only h who should be sorry.<P>Then there are some who really do care about the pain they helped cause. It depends on the woman.
I disagree with saying that OW have remorse for what they do. That's like saying to God (if you are a Christian), I'm know this is wrong, but I'm going to do it anyway and ask for forgiveness afterwards. All OW know exactly what they are getting into when they get involved with someone who is married. There is no sugar-coating that fact. I can say I'm sorry for something all day long, but until I CHANGE that something I'm sorry for, it's JUST WORDS.
There is no logical reason for a divorced woman to answer a personal ad from a MM. Not only is is just as wrong as his placing it was, but it makes no sense. If she were looking for a LTR, obviously personal ads from MM are not the most efficient place to spend your time. If she were just looking for sex without committment, there are plenty of single men out their who would be happy to oblige, and it would have been a whole lot less messy. The only "logical" reason to go after a married man would be if she saw it as a challenge or revenge against her ex-H or women in general. And that is really sick.<P>And you would have to be out of your mind to let a married man whom you have only known for a few months move in with you and your children, especially a teenage girl. I know my H is not a potential murderer or pedophile, but she had no way of knowing that. <P>This woman does not really care about my H - if she did, she wouldn't be making it difficult for him to spend time with his children. <P>It is bad enough that she purposely went after someone else's H, but the effort she has made to discourage him from being a father to his children is something that is not forgivable. <P>
Sure, xOW had tons of remorse lol. She was sorry that H dumped her, that he wasn't going to play daddy to her kid and support her, that he came back to me etc. She was sorry alright, but only for herself. She didn't care one bit about ANY pain suffered by anyone but her.
<BR>I justed posted in the EN section about this. I know a divorced woman who, for a while, would ONLY date married men. She was a victim of physical and emotional abuse at the hands of her ex husband, and she felt that dating a married man left her in control.<P>They met when she decided it was time, never when the MM thought it was time. She never expected the MM to leave his wife. If he ever intimidated her or threatened her, she always had the option of calling his wife and blowing the whistle. I also think that knowing that she was attractive enough to get some MM to compromise his integrity was a boost for her self-esteem. As she put it, "I didn't expect much more than an occaisional date and some decent sex from it. I wasn't disappointed." Credit her with being smart enough not to fall in love, I guess. <P>Anyhow, I'm surely not going to justify her actions, but I can see why she did what she did.<P>If its worth anything, she's since been in a 10+ year monogamous relationship and is a fine woman.<P>Bystander
I know I may be looking at this from a different perspective. My wife is the WS, but she had an affair with another married man, so I guess in effect she can also be classified as the "OW."<P>I know she feels remorse for what happened. As far as we know, the wife of the OM does not know about the affair, so my wife has not had that particular confrontation. She is also hoping it never happens. She wouldn't quite know what to say to her. "Sorry...your husband found me attractive...asked me to have sex with him...and I said yes?" <P>The affair is over, and she and I would like to move on.<P>Now, as for the OM. Does he feel remorse? I don't know. Sometimes I would like to know, but I have not spoken to him directly and I don't know if I ever care to. My wife is the one that ended it, and it was over before she told me about it.<P>I know your situation may be different. I don't know if the OW in your case is married or not, or which one of them is the one that made the initial proposition. I know a lot of the other posts here represent situations that are different than mine, and their responses are justified. I just wanted to maybe give you a different viewpoint. I know my wife is a good person that did a reckless and selfish thing. She feels terrible about it, and we are trying to just recover and make things better than ever before.<p>[This message has been edited by HurtingDeeply (edited November 29, 2000).]
Hi,<BR>I haven't received any apology from OW, and I sent her 2 e-mails, which were ignored.<BR>But I know whether she apologize or ignore me I feel the same. But I wish at least she feels bad for what she's done, but from what she's been doing I realize that she has no morals and she doesn't care. And my H loves her for what she is so they deserve each other.<P>I feel it's waste of time to think about her(or even about H) so I try to focus on someething else..<P>And just remember, most OWs don't feel the way we feel(gosh if they feel like we do then they would have stopped A!), maybe we shouldn't even think if they feel remorse or not..<P>Meg<BR>
In my case "NO" the OW thinks I'm the one in the wrong ... that I was the one who should be remorseful being married to "her" MAN ... I'm a mistake in the OW's eyes.<P>This OW is void of morals and ethics .. void of feelings or empathy for hurting someone that she considered in her way ... someone that shouldn't have even existed. Not assumptions ... I've heard her several voice pages to my H telling him that he's done his penance(SP) and now it's time he really be happy for once in his life. I (the W) was a mistake for 20 years according to OW.<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited November 30, 2000).]
Nope. Only felt a little bad about WS being knived in the flesh by her. As for the wife, the witch OW just wanted to destroy and continue damaging everything and all that is related. The witch couldn't understand that if she can get a guy to have sex why he wouldn't leave his wife for her. If she can blackmail the guy to do all these for 2 years, why did he not love her. To this day, she sends presents to my WS and wants to know why he isn't divorced and whether he would divorce.<P>As for the wife, she cannot imagine why the guy wouldn't leave a highly educated fashion model and who slept with her just so that his marriage stays intact. She said she did everything to win him over - built him a shelf [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] , sleep with him, buy him expensive stuff, focus her energies on him, dump her H, serve him, and what did the wife do? <P>The witch obsessed about me - and in the end she wanted to talk so badly because she was REJECTED. The boost to her self esteem was ephemeral but that vanity ruined so many people, including my beloved father who died because of her screaming at him and revealing the adultery.<P>My WS has problems to this day because he now equates sex as evil. He received a note recently to tell him that she hopes he recovers. Maybe the witch is beginning to see the light? BUT WS said that that is "the evil piece of sh*t's tactic to become soft, remorseful and sorry so that he will be off guard enough to believe that she will stop terrorising him".
I confronted the OW in the grocery store about a month ago - it was the first time I've actually seen her in person (after almost a year) - I very quietly (didn't make a scene) told her that my H and I were supposed to be celebrating our 12th anniversary that Sunday and because of her and her selfish butting into our lives, that isn't going to happen and she doesn't even care.<P>She tried to say "I do care...." but I cut her off and said "If someone cares that there actions are hurting another person, they STOP those actions. The word "care" actually MEANS something, it's not just something you utter because you know you did something wrong and are trying to look like a human being by saying you care. You don't even care about H because you continue to provide him with an excuse to NOT face his true self and responsibilities."<P>She didn't say anything after that and I left saying "Some day you'll pay for what you've done...and then you WILL care. I don't know how you can live with yourself. And I certainly know H is in a deep pit to be able to live with a person like you."<P>There's a verse in Proverbs 30:20 that says "This is the way of an adulteress: She eats and wipes her mouth and says, `I've done nothing wrong.'"<P>Isn't that the truth?! I'm sure in my H case, he's told her lies that our marriage was over long ago and that he never really loved me, etc. <P>The thing is....even if that was true (which it's not), you DO NO go after a married man. Period. If you are any kind of woman with integrity, you just don't do that.<P>Anyway, that's my 2 cents worth....<BR>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited November 30, 2000).]
Bravo! Bravo! Mrs. O !!!!! You RULE!<P>I am sooooooooo proud of you. You're so brave and so RIGHT!<P>I haven't seen you much on the board, Hon. I think about you alot ... you seem to be okay ... has God been wrapping His loving warm arms around you and giving you the strength you so badly need and deserve? I pray so.<P>You take care and stay on this board and post so I know how you are. Plus WE NEED YOU here.<P>Love,<BR>Jo
resilient,<P>I don't post on this forum much any more, but I saw this thread and read it. I can say a bid DITTO to your words. It is exactly the same with my h's ow. And this ow was cheated on by her fiance many years ago and declares that she hates adultry, but for the sake of 'this big love' I guess she has forgotten how it feels.
My mother was a lot like the woman that Bystander described - she repeatedly slept with MM, and even fell in love with one that she had an affair with for 7 years. He kept saying that he would leave his W to be with her, and she would always tell him, "Don't you dare!", and tell him how good his W was for him and that he would never do any better. Go fig, huh? His wife was like an aunt to me, and it was hard not saying anything, but shoot, this was my MOM!<P>But my mom also was terribly abused throughout her childhood, sexually, emotionally, and physically. Not that it's an excuse, but it explains a little bit. While she has always been an extremely fun person, she always felt that she was meant to play doormat to men because of her upbringing, so she let MM pursue her.<P>I'm proud to say that she finally found a decent man who treats her wonderfully and loves her to death. They have a great relationship, one of the most solid ones I've ever seen. She told me that she is sorry about the hurt that she caused the wives. She isn't placing blame, she's taking responsibility and moving on.<P>Is she a bad person, she's made mistakes, has asked forgiveness, and moved on. And I will have words with anyone who says otherwise. She's a beautiful person, inside and out, so no, not all OW are monsters.
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