Poll For WS or those who know a WS - Marriage Builders® Forums

How many WS out there have been sexually abused as children?Does the WS have self-esteem issues?Does the WS have parents or parental figures who betrayed a partner? Just some points that may need to make themselves apparant here - hope we get a good turn out of info here. I know the first question is rather personal - I'm not asking for details, but a yes or no will do.Thanks!Carrie

Carrie My H is a WS and yes he was abused as a child, prostetuted at a very young age, physically, emotionally, and sexually abused. He felt all he was good for was either sex or money, His A was a brief one with an online stranger, followed by a nervous breakdown, in which the years of abuse came to the surface. I am also a survivor of childhood abuse, although I never had an PA I did have two EA in my first marriage. I think the connection is a strong one, as it deals with self acceptance, self esteem, and self worth. Jenni

no yes nomostly reacting, I think, to the pattern of neglect by spouse. He claimed the right to be left alone, to do what he wanted when he wanted. If you're bored, get a hobby. If you're lonely, find a friend.

1. No 2. Yes when he hit midlife. 3. Yes, his father left his mother for OW. Went back and forth multiple times just like H.

a. No b. Yes, maybe some. c. Yes, When she was first adopted.Sweden

NoQuite the opposite--he thinks he's Heaven's gift to the worldNot at all--they were very much in love until the day he died. She still grieves for him.

No.Yes.No, at least as far as I know.

NoYesNot that I know of, but my Dad died when I was 3, so that kinda 'feels' like a betrayal. or at least abandonment.

No Yes, absolutely Not that I know of. However, his father often acted like my H somehow wasn't quite as good as his brother.

No, I had a wonderful childhood. Loving parents/family. No self-esteem problems. My parents did divorce when I was 25 years old. Both re-married to wonderful people and I have a good relationship with both sides.

No, she was not abused.I said "no" originally, but I guess I need to change this to a MAYBE. (I asked her today about it and she said she couldn't rule it out).Yes, her father did have affairs when she was in JH and HS. They separated when she was in college and are still separated today.-HD[This message has been edited by HurtingDeeply (edited December 15, 2000).][This message has been edited by HurtingDeeply (edited December 15, 2000).]

Carrie, regarding my wife:NoYesNoWAT

No, yes, no. Interestingly, my H's answers would be no, no, yes (his dad ran around alot, both parents have been married three times, and my H refuses to live his life that way.)I have issues that kind of relate to question 1, but it wasn't childhood abuse.

yes-if anyone could tell me i would like to know if this will always have effects on relationships, or if healing can occur and live a "normal" lifeyes- no

I've been the WS, and now my H is:me: yes (same sex) yes - serious - depression no - but I found out as an adult that my mother had been previously married, that her H was a WS, and that my oldest 'sister' is just a half-sister. My mother still doesn't know that I know.H: yes (same sex) yes and no --- he's an 'avoider' not that I know of - he's the youngest of 8 births (7 living siblings). I really can't picture his parents being that way.

My H is the WS:1. Yes, physically not sexually 2. Yes, thinks he isn't good enough for anything. 3. Yes, both parents cheated on each other-divorced-remarried and cheated again on their new spouses. No wonder, H didn't have a chance.Sil

Wow, guys, LOTS of responses so far.I guessed that I might see a lot more yesses than I have for the questions. I'll have to tally up the results in a few days to see where we stand with these issues.As for me -yes yes yesJust hoping to gain some more insight as to why we cheat or get cheated on. I know there are many factors involved, some immeasurable, many more than any formal study could cover.Keep in mind about the sexual abuse - this i often something that people keep secret - you may not even know this about your spouse. I think it happes a lot more than we realize, unfortunately.Keep those responses coming guys!Khyra

My W is the WS.Physically and verbally abused, but not sexually.I'd say she has serious self-esteem issues.I don't know if there were betrayals, but her parents divorced when she was a teenager. Her mother has re-married, and her father has been through 3 marriages since then.

My wife is the WS.... No No Yes, her father left, was not taken back by mother

Mu H is the WS, 1 don't know 2 low selfesteem 3 definitly yes ! His father cheated so much on his mother that my H did not at all wanted to become like his father.His father even took my H and his brother over to some of the WS's houses when he was 5. When he did have an A he felt so ashamed about himself and afraid that he was going to go the same road as his father.

My wife is the WS.Her.1. No ( I think) 2. Yes - recently 3. Yes Me 1. No 2. Only in Junior High and last year 3. Yes - Mother WS when I was 4 but I didn’t know until I was 26 when Father did the same claiming he never recovered from mother's infidelity. They're still together and seem happy.

Not abused Some body image issues, but generally good self esteem Parents have great marriage -- no betrayals

I am the WS..and to answer these questions..How many WS out there have been sexually abused as children? YES!!Does the WS have self-esteem issues? I did..have been in counseling for over a year..and it has helped..Does the WS have parents or parental figures who betrayed a partner? and yes..And Khyra...I know it has alot to do with why I had the affair..and Rax..yes Healing can occur..and as far as having a healthy relationship after the healing occurs..I believe it can happen..I haven't found it yet..but I believe that one day..I'll have that...for those who have been abused..and those who have spouses who have been abused..check out this site..http://www.nhhi.netand rax..if you'd like to know how to help her there are support groups for SO's in these relationships..if you'd like more info I'd be happy to discuss it with you...

so whats the count

My wife is the WS:1. yes, by one of her step fathers. 2. yes 3. yes, mother carried on a 10 year affair with a married man. Bio-father had several affairs. SHA

Husband was WS1. No sexual abuse for him. 2. Yes he had self esteme issues and was depressed, but who isn't when they are in a bad marriage? Also midlife crisis. 3. Yes, his father did and left his Mom once, came back when OW wouldn't leave her husband and marry him (she was pregnant at the time.) Five years later he left for good, none of us know if infidelity was an active part of that or the residual effect. (an interesting turn on this is that his sister had an affair at the same time my hubby did, but she left her husband and ended up marrying her affair partner. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Our daughter and his sister's son were nearly exactly the same age that they each were when their father had the affair. Spooky huh? )------------------ God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

With God on our side we can't lose! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

What God has joined together let no man put asunder. Samantha[This message has been edited by A blessed Samantha (edited December 19, 2000).]

I was a WS--How many WS out there have been sexually abused as children? I have never been abused at all, sexually or otherwise.Does the WS have self-esteem issues? Yes, very much so.Does the WS have parents or parental figures who betrayed a partner? No, neither one of my parents had an affair.

Yes Yes YesMy WS was raised by his granparents, who had an on again off again relationship for many years. When he was 12 his mother popped back into his life. She was an alcoholic, very verbally and physically abusive. He was sexually abused by his uncle. He has never met his real father.I beleived he always has low self asteem it showed with me, however he his it from everyone else by acting like the clown of the party.I have always felt my WS had some sort of depression weather manic or regular. Could never confirm it. He would not go to counseling.I was the longest relationship he ever had. Throughout our marriage friends came and went with him. Once the novelty wears off he is done. He seemed to never be happy with anything. He wanted and wanted once he got it the high was gone and on to the next.Good survey.

H is the WSno no yes, his mother was a WS with someone in a neighboring state (her home state, but not home city). The kicker? she took her son (my H) with her (this was about 5 years ago) to throw her S off the trail. She invited me to go along with them (this was thanksgiving in a resort town in AR) to distract her son (my then boyfriend, now H).We didn't learn of the A until after we got back, when the OM's girlfriend had called to tell her husband of the A.What a glowing example of parental role modeling.My H's father went kinda psycho. He was taping his WS's phone calls, and playing them back to my H (then boyfriend). And laying in bed and trying to die. I have to say I am not surprised things have turned out this way.My H's parents are still married, and still very wierd. His mother still doesn't know that my H knows.In addition, you would think that after all my H's father has been through, he would kick my H's butt and try and get him to work on his marriage, you know haveing been the BS and all....BD

No Yes Yes-ishMy w have low self-esteem. Never been sexually abused as a child to my knowledge (clearly we have trust issues). Her mother was treated poorly by her father (he talked of having her committed at one point), but I don't believe either one of them ever had an affair.

thornedrose- i'd like to know more- i am the one who was sexaully abused and my H does know about it but i believe that it does effect our relationship- so i would luv to know anything i can-thksrax

Rax,what would you like to know? you can e-mail me at cornerp@theglobe.com It effects how you view yourself, because if like myself it was something that happened over a period of years..all the things you believe about yourself are wrong..and you have to relearn how you view yourself.. which takes time..I know for me I've been in counseling for this the past year..and as I grow stronger emotionally it's caused more problems in the marriage..like..I used to tolerate my stbx's drinking..I hated it..because it caused LOTS of triggers..(memories of the abuse) if you check out the <A HREF="http://www.nhhi.net" TARGET=_blank>http://www.nhhi.net</A> forum also..has some helps there..and you can post questions, or just vent..[This message has been edited by ThornedRose (edited December 22, 2000).]

How many WS out there have been sexually abused as children?Not that I am aware of, although there are a few "family secrets" that I have never learned any details of.Does the WS have self-esteem issues?He would say no, but I believe yes. He thinks he is not smart - but he is very smart. Unfortunately, that was one of the things I feel very badly about not helping him with - in fact I feel like I contributed to that during my own depression.Does the WS have parents or parental figures who betrayed a partner?Not in the sense of cheating... but my husband's father was killed in a truck accident when he was 17 (he is going to be 36 next year), and his mother never recovered ... I think my husband never did, either, and he and his father were very close. I know he feels betrayed by God, even to this day. ------------------ terri CourageWhatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong.There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right.To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.Ralph Waldo Emerson

My H is the WS1. No 2. Yes, big time. He has a number of issues, two the most important I guess are he doesn't trust himself and he has permanent fear of rejection. Needs constant undivided attention, admiration ... I can't figure out where the root is, but, after knowing him for 17 years (married 14) I can honestly tell he is openminded, intelligent, educated, caring, gentle person, capable and highly successful on his job and sport. I always thought he was great father and husband. he is also fairly good looking ... so, when it comes to reasons for self-esteem issues I'm confused. 3. No, not to my knowledge, but father treated mother pretty badly, never appreciated her as a person, nor her contribution to the family. Never showed her affection, nor calling her by name when talking about her (just "she" or "mother").