My friend, you ask some serious questions! BTW, it's nice to see you here, even if the message is sad. Okay, let's get down to it:<P>"I get to the point where I don’t think I can save this marriage any more. I don’t know what it is. It could be a thick fog, blindside, too much guilt, too much resentment, or combination of things. My wife didn’t seem to want to do anything about our marriage. To her it was emotionally over with me the day I told her parents and it was physically over with me the day she had sex with the OM. It has been almost a year since D-day and I don’t see any sign of hope at all." First, let me say how sorry I am that you two do not seem to be moving toward a stronger, more loving marriage. Second, let me commend you for the great patience and determination and commitment that you've shown. You have learned so much and done such a good job, and I'm so sorry that you are feeling so hopeless. I do have a question for you, though. I'm sure by now you are quite an expert at Plan A, but how is the Plan A for YOU going? Surely that is one area where there is a little progress and hope. Why, aren't you redeveloping your sense of humor and your love of life? Aren't you becoming the man that God intended for you to be? <P>Now, on to YOUR questions:<P>"Should I tell her right away that I’m thinking about leaving her by summer? Or should I tell her when the time comes without<BR>warning?" Let me tell you my story rather briefly. I am a dumpee. My stbxH came to me on Feb. 3rd last year and said he wanted to leave and did not love me anymore. That very same day, we told our kids together that we, mom and dad, were taking a break from each other and would not be living together anymore. So for me, there was no warning. It took me months to recuperate and get my head back on straight, because although I knew there were problems in our marriage that were serious, I didn't think he'd leave. Now, up to that point I had been totally faithful to my H, so our stories are a little different, but you might be able to answer this question better knowing what it's like from my "dumped" point of view. I would say, hit her with a brick now. In other words, don't hint and don't suggest, tell her that you love her desparately and would do anything to work this out, but that the way things are now is not acceptable to you, and you can't continue like this. Tell her what WOULD be acceptable to you (counseling? sleeping in same bed? what?), and be straightforward and clear and don't beat around the bush. Now, it may be an LB, that's true, but a person deserves to be told the truth to their face.<P>"Should I slowly tell my kids about it? Or should I just wait until then too?" I wouldn't say anything to the kids until you have a clear talk with your wife. No need to rock their world until absolutely necessary. Also, when you do tell them, have her participate. One way or another, she contributed to this continuing pain, and she has to face the consequences of her choices. Ouch! Sorry, but it's true.<P>"Do you think that a year since D-day is long enough for anyone to realize what he/she has done to his/her spouse?" Well, that is for you and her to decide, but I will comment that I know you have been exceedingly patient and thoughtful on this topic, and she does not want to face her problems. Many people can not be patient for a year, and many people can be patient for longer--so I can't tell you what to do. However, I have to tell you, I think she knows exactly how much she has hurt you and even has a clue of how much she continues to hurt you. That's why she can not forgive herself and she does not feel worthy to be your wife.<P>"Are we in recovery after my wife ended her PA and EA, but has not worked on our marriage?" In a word, no. Recovery is when both spouses are working together on the marriage. Once again, ouch! and I'm sorry to have to say that to you, but I agree with kam6318--you've been in limbo.<P>"How long do I have to wait for the recovery to begin after ending EA?" Well, that varies from couple to couple. Can I ask, have you read the article entitled, "How to Treat a Cheating Wife?" I'll look for a link, because I think it would be very eye-opening for you. <P>"Does the separation have to happen before we can reconcile?" Are you asking, do you have to live apart before you can start coming together? Well, that varies from couple to couple too. In some cases, yes, the people need to live apart, totally break contact with the OP, do the mourning and the work to get over it/do the counseling and the work to forgive the huge hurt, and then come back together. But not everyone has to separate. <P>"Am I back to ground zero again every time we ended up arguing (Lbing)?Does that mean plan Aing all over again?" Regarding the part of your question that pertains to LBing, there has been a foundation of hurt that is already laid, and gradually you are repairing the foundation. Then you are adding bricks and walls. So when you LB, sometimes it shakes the repairs in the foundation, which can knock down the walls that you so carefully built. The problem is, we are all human and can't deny our real feelings. So you need to learn to speak your real feelings in openness, honesty and gentleness. For example, if I am upset that you are going on a business trip over my birthday, I need to express that feeling, but I need to be non-attacking, open and gentle. "I feel sad that you are chosing to go on this business trip over my birthday, because I do not feel important to you and birthdays are special to me." See? I stated my feelings--I was honest--I open about my feelings, and I owned it as MY problem. The attacking, LB way would be "You never pick me over work. You don't care about me."<P>Next, I think Plan A is a lifetime thing. For the rest of your life, be the very best man, father, and husband you can be. Get to know yourself, live up to your full potential, and live and love with gusto. Keep learning and keep moving forward and improving. And out of that kind of love and energy, willingly and gratefully meet the needs of your partner. Out of that kind of love and energy, learn the way that your partner needs to have his/her needs met and learn how to do it. <P>Okay? Now, take some time for yourself and think about all the responses here. <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{OOOO}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>CJ
<BR><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.