Need advice from those long time married - Marriage Builders® Forums

My H and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary in Oct. of 2000. This is about the time his affair began. Our youngest child just left home and our daughter just got married. I have noticed messages from others whose H has left about this time in their lives.Just when I thought we could start working on our relationship and enjoying each other-it was too late!I asked him to move out the day I found out. That was 1 month ago. He says he still loves me but he says he loves her too. He sleeps with her at night.I am working on Plan A but would appreciate if some of you who were/are in similar situations could tell me how long it took for your WS to come to their senses- if ever. How did it come about that you reconsiled? Details-please! This is very hard to stay positive. I saw my H yesterday and we hugged 2 times. He says he is in limbo. We talked for 1 and a half hours. He says he doesn't want to hurt me or the kids. I called him to see if we could go to lunch today but he said he's too busy. Any suggestions?

MAEZY,See my post "Hello from an Oldtimer" on the IN Recovery Board.Everyone who responded was married 20+ years when their Hs had affairs. Most do come to their senses, but it takes time, patience, hard work, and prayer.Don't give up! Read everything on this website and the books suggested. Unfortunately, this is a common occurence in long-term marriages.

Hi Maezy, I really think affairs in long term marriages have become an epidemic. As Sherrilyn wrote, there are alot of us out here. We were married, 21 yrs. , 4kids, when I found out about my H's affair. Get "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley and read , read, read...it is possible to survive this. "Private Lies" by Frank Pittman is also very good. We have been in recovery for almost 2yrs.,keep posting , alot of people will help you.....LU

Wish I knew what to tell you.I've been married 20 years...three kids....and got involved with an EA over a year ago. Seems like everything I heard years ago...is coming back to haunt me...how couple put so much energy into their kids and careers...then one day...wake up...and don't even know each other anymore. I'm one of those men...still 'out there'...trying to find my way home...searching for the desire and 'want to'. It is a lonely place.

Hi Maezy,My H & I had been married 21 years when he began his affair. When I found out, it hit me like a ton of bricks. He had said nothing beforehand about being unhappy. I did notice, though, that as he was approaching his 55th birthday, in conjunction with finishing up a career, he seemed to be spiralling into depression. The more I tried to talk to him about it, the more he withdrew. There is a book you might want to look at called, "Death of a Hero, Birth of a Soul". I can't recall the author, at the moment. It's a book about going through midlife written by a man for men. It's very interesting and kind of explains what it feels like for men to go through the transition.I've always felt like my H's affair is more of a symptom of a bigger problem, rather than the problem itself. I think the problems he is facing have more to do with him, than our marriage. Although, I do bear some responsibility for some of the problems within our relationship.I think that my H tried to mask the pain he was feeling about getting older by having an affair. It was a way of having to avoid dealing with the fear. And, having to deal with all the old psychic wounds of childhood. Plus, his ego was at an all time low, so it was quite an ego boost for him to have this younger woman interested in him.Anyway, hang in there. It can and does get better.

We were married 31 years when my husband had his affair. As a matter of fact, talk about fog, on our 31st anniversary I was out of town and did not get the flowers he sent. He was annoyed that I hadn't thanked him? Why did he even bother sending flowers? He also was in a depression, which I is not excuse to me, and through counseling has found out he is a very weak man. He is trying very hard to Plan A (we're the opposite of most here). He knows he made a BIG mistake, but I'm not a forgiver so the marriage is over in mind. We are still legally married and live together but my feelings for him are gone. I keep wondering if one day I will appreciate our history together (we were highschool sweethearts)and be able to move forward. He keeps hoping the move forward will be with him. It's been 18 months since d-day and it still feels like yesterday to me. I hope you end up with what you are wishing for. S.

Thanks so much to those who responded. I will be thinking about your comments and looking for these books. It is interesting that these affairs do seem to be a symptom of underlying depression or other problems. My H had a very difficult childhood (numerous father figures) none of which were a positive role model for him. He always seemed to find it hard to fit into family life, although I know he loves us all. I wonder what the connection is, if any. I haven't prayed much before in my life but I think I will start. To Lighthouse: How long has it been that you've wondered if you want to go back? What is stopping you? Thanks again.

Married 32 yrs and rebuilding our marriage for a little over 3 yrs. My H ended his long term affair immediately upon my discovery but I think it may have been dying a natural death when I found out about it. Maezy, it's not too late. Read. Read everything you can on this site. Read the suggested books. Get educated about affairs. My favorite book and the most helpful to me was "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. It was one book that made me realize that my wild swing of emotions was not unusual and what I was feeling was normal. I really thought at times that I was losing it. And I sometimes wished I could. Check with your library. They do carry many of these books. Check into counseling. I went for two years and although I was not a strong believer in counseling prior to discovery, it was very helpful. Keep posting and reading, asking questions, getting advise. Stay strong!!