It's still kind of a trigger for me, since during the last trip I went on (a business trip, last August), the mouse played - a LOT!<P>A group of my friends from high school want to get together and go to Hawaii for a week - without the guys. Tickets out of Vancouver are an unbelievable $111 roundtrip, and I haven't gotten together with just "the girls" since graduation. Now that the whole "clique" is over 21, I think it would be a hoot to go.<P>I just worry about whether this will be a huge LB or not. I worry that I will end up being so worried about what my H is doing on the mainland that I won't be able to enjoy myself. Hell, I'm even worried that <I>I</I> could end up cheating on him (I would like to think that I wouldn't, though). <P>I would love to go, and I think I could have a great time. But if it's going to jeopardize my marriage, I want no part of it. <P>Any suggestions?

Hey CB,<P>Since you're a young-thing (21, if I remember correctly!) I'd say you'll have YEARS to do this -- wait until later-- make a plan now to meet when you're all 40 or something.<P>You won't have fun if you're worried about him all the time. Am I right, or am I right? <P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

CB,<P>I agree with NB, why not use the money & go somewhere with your H.

CB, <P>I was going to do the same as you. I was advised by a very very wise person that now would not be a good time. A little to early in the recovery. I'd wait. As much as you shouldn't have to, you should stay with H.<P>cleo

I think the important thing to consider is what does CB truly want? For one thing, keeping your friendships alive is important. For another, a change of scenery (esp Hawaii!) could do you some good. Plus, there's no guarantee that all of your friends will still be your friends 20 years from now if you pass up this opportunity to keep that friendship going. <P>I think your dilemma strikes a chord with me because of some realizations I've made in my own marriage lately. Perhaps I should explain so you know my frame of reference. I've been married 14 years. There's no affairs, and quite frankly not much else either. I attribute the emptiness of my marriage to the fact that my H is a boundary abuser. He makes it very difficult and unpleasant when I try to maintain values and preferences that differ from his. So what did I do for more than decade? I relinquished my own values and preferences to match his. It seems to be the only way to have peace in this household. I ended up with an empty marriage because I chose to live less than a full life. <P>You sound like you want to go. If you don't go, you'll be making a sacrifice. What will be gained by that sacrifice? Perhaps more important to ask is, are you going to let concerns about your H's actions prevent you from living each moment to its fullest? If you perceive real harm resulting from your absence of a few days, that of course must enter the mix. But if you're worried about your H's actions and it prevents you from pursuing something you value, I dunno, something rings hollow there and I can't quite find the words to say why.

CB:<P>From a MarriageBuilder's point of view, lonesome heart's advice would be similar to the justification for an affair. Hey, I wanted to feel good, it was for me... the typical fog.<P>If you're worried so much about the lovebusting aspects about going on this trip, you're discussing this with the wrong group of people. You need to be having a Policy of Joint Agreement discussion with your husband. Perhaps he'd like to go along on the "girls trip", and spend some time with you (and do his own thing too).<P>From a marriage point of view---the <I>sacrifice</I> of <B>not taking an action</B> will likely always be a component of a marriage. It's the endpoint of a POJA discussion when you don't come up with a enthusiastic agreement---you don't do it. While that does breed resentment (resentment of not "living life like YOU want to), it's nowhere nearly as harmful as doing things unilaterally in a marriage without regard for the other spouse's feelings (like having an affair). Now that you're married, I suggest that you think of yourself as having no individual "rights". Everything should be discussed and negotiated. As you get better at this, you'll find yourself being able to do pretty much everything you want to (and then some), but doing it in ways that <B>always</B> takes your spouse's feelings into account and builds love between the two of you.

I was going to reply but K surmised my thoughts precisely...<P>I will add that The Rule Of Time is another important thing to concider...Spending quality time with the spouce is a must in repairing things...<P>Bill