I have a question that needs an answer.<P>My husband had a 4 month affair that ended when I found out 10 weeks ago.<P>Our marriage had always been based on absolute trust (my part) and faith.<P>Two years ago my H purchased a Harley, in the first 9 months of owning his bike he attended 7 rallies. Of those he only took me to two of them.<P>My work schedule does not allow me to take time off at any given time, especially now since I just went back to work after being off for 9 weeks due to major surgery.<P>After the A was disclosed I told my H that things were going to change. We would start doing things as a couple, no more him being single and me being married.<P>His affair (three hours away) went on for four months. He was able to get up to see her 4-6 times each month for overnight visits. Why, because I trusted him when he said he was going skiing.<P>Now there is another rally this weekend, we are separated, but living as man and wife, (no dating etc.). We are living 200 feet away from each other. (we have another home he is living in)<P>He told me today that he has intentions of going to this rally. I feel this is it, the last and final straw. I am prepared to file for divorce. I do not feel that he is doing what he should to make this work out. He screwed up, he lost the freedom he always had, I never questioned him or said No when he wanted to go out of town without me.<P>What do you think? Too harsh, or am I finally realizing that he wants the best of both lives, single and married, and I won't live that way?<P>He could do something with me and friends this weekend instead, but he is going with a group of single men. Single because there are no women who would tolerate their comings and goings all the time.<P>They are older, in their 50's and 60's. My husband is 47, and I think he's hit a midlife crisis. I think he wants freedom more than a commitment.<P>Opinions, PLEASE

If it's important to you that he not go, he shouldn't go. However, if it's more important to him to go than to understand WHY you don't want him to go, then perhaps that's your sign of where he places YOU among his priorities.<P>I wouldn't necessarily file for divorce yet, though. You can only do what you think is best. However, I would urge you to re-read Dr. Harley's books and articles, and apply the principles he teaches.<P>You should also get a counselor, if you don't already have one. Mine was a God-send, and she truly cared.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Thank you for your reply, guess what? He decided not to go. I did not say anything positive or negative about it. Maybe he is coming to his senses. I know this is a good sign of what we can both live with.<P>

hi k9, I am glad to read he decided not to go since this was such a sore spot with you. But I have a few comments... <BR>There is really nothing wrong with spouses spending time away from each other, even after an affair is discovered. We all need some space. The key is to enthusiastically agree with the other. The Policy of Joint Agreement. <BR>Seems that since his affair may have been linked to not spending enough recreational time together? Think of some things the two of you can do together to fulfill his needs and yours. Can the two of you compromise if he still wants to attend some of the events with these male friends? Frankly I cannot understand the enjoyment of these motorcycle rallies-but he gets something out of it! Seems he likes to do active things-ride bikes, ski, etc. So be a part of that with him! <BR>Divorce? Hang in there k9, this is a bumpy road, but that option is way down on the list! Keep doing plan a, keep the communication open and loving. Did the tow of you do the emotional needs ?s.<BR>I hope you weekend is wonderful! aloha, cl<BR>