Misapplication of Plan A (by Distressed) - Marriage Builders® Forums

Since the forum changed over, I couldn't bump this thread up - but I think it's time for everyone to do a refresher on Plan A!Misapplication of Plan A by Distressed

Thanks Bramble. I've bumped Distressed's thread up a couple times. It is notable!Jo

Mornin' Bramble Rose,Thanks for the reference. I just read it again and bookmarked it for my future reference. What is said is correct. Plan A is a good thing. Too much of plan A or held to long can turn into an enabling piece, especially when the WS has moved out. The post makes it quite clear the positions of the BS and WS respectively. I remember that thread and I believe it was that thread that made me seriously consider going to plan B (which I did but not real well). Anyway, I went to plan B the next month after that thread was posted. I was just thinking yesterday that really the OP is more like the character in the song by Stevie Wonder "Part time lover". Whether the WS is with the BS or not, the BS and family are really still meeting the WS's needs. Whether it is maintaining the family and home while the WS is out galavanting or actually doing things for the WS like paying their bills maintaining communication, providing securities like insurance coverage, etc. the WS's needs to a degree are still being met. Even more so if the WS is out and the BS is still in plan A. So the OP is then really only a 'part time lover'. Hm...... made me think. So when those OPs get a bit sarcastic and think they are 'fulfilling all' the EN's or the BS/WS think the Ws's ENs are being fulfilled by the OP, they are wrong. The OP is only a 'part time lover'. I am sure most of you already knew this but hey, this 'ol gal may be just a bit slow late on a Friday nite!!! LOL!!! I do some of my best thinking while driving. he he he!!!!Anyway BR, thanks again for the good reminder!!Mahalo,
L.

thanks, BrambleRose. It had been far too long since I read this. This is worth the time and effort to read, study, and apply. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I agree with FaitfulWife. Plan A is not for the WS. It should be used to be the best person we can be. If that is not good enough for WS then we will try to be something we are not. Remember when we got married how much we did for each other as an expression of that love. Over time we take things for granted. Plan A is for life. Plan A makes it easier to go to plan B because you know you are the best person you can be. If you start with plan A then go to plan B and not go back to plan A after you have succesfully saved your M then I think we will be getting the oppritunity to to save our M more times than the heart can stand.

Bump, Bump, bump!Jo

bump again [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I finally had time to read through all that. There's a lot of material there, and most of it is real good. Makes sense. To me, at least. So now, finally, I understand why I've been doing what I've been doing for the past 5 months, and I don't feel as if it was all a big waste of time. But it doesn't help calm my fears about bringing up Plan B.Plan B is just scary to me because I know my wife will claim that everything is great, and that I'm overreacting, and even though she still has contact - that the affair is really over, I'm just whining and I don't love her anymore and that's why I'm getting rid of her. That's the reaction I'm gonna get. That's the reaction most of us fear we will get. And I think this is why so many misapply Plan A. We know that our efforts aren't doing any good anymore, but we just are afraid of trying to justify our reasons for no-contact.So I looked through that post and came up with a few things that we need to remember...When the WS retorts with what they feel is success in your reconciliation, and tries to pacify your need for reconciliation, then keep this in mind...
<blockquote>quote:<hr>Posted by Distressed
Until they come to you with: 1) genuine remorse, 2) a commitment to end things with the OP, and 3) a desire to understand what went wrong and learn from it (implementation of the extraordinary measures, openness, and acceptance of your feelings), you have nothing of value.<hr></blockquote>If the wayward does not understand that, then they will not accept Plan B. My wife has been giving me a lot during my Plan A efforts. Reassurance of her care for me (I don't use the word love) and has shown much affection and desire towards me. She's so good at convincing herself that everything is fine, that sometimes I almost believe her.But those three things really just nail it all down for me...1) Remorse
2) No contact with the OP (extraordinary measures)
3) What went wrong?That is going to help me write my Plan B letter in January. Until then, I am focusing on creating memories for her. I am going to make this a wonderful Christmas. It might be our last.[ November 13, 2001: Message edited by: GodlyMan ]

^ ^

Bumped for "Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying", aka GBLOGBD.

Read up my friend.

Jo