Marriage Builders
Posted By: Family Man BrambleRose - tell me about appeasement.. - 12/09/01 05:53 PM
BrambleRose - Outstanding..<p>Uh, maybe you could enlighten some of us (me)on appeasement?
I haven't really come across that before.<p>I assume to appease means to placate; to calm. To not LB? Huh? Or in this context does it mean to poorly define what's acceptable to you, your borders?<p>Help please.<p>Dan<p>BTW, I originally wrote this in response to a post you made on 12/09 to Terrified (re: I believe "going public" with the separation can impede or even prevent recovery... )<p>[ December 09, 2001: Message edited by: Family Man ]</p>
Well what I mean by appeasement is when we the BS, beg, plead, grovel and promise anything and everything to the WS if they will just stop cheating and lying and come home.<p>Appeasement is what we do when we are terrified of being alone, terrified of being thought of as a loser because our spouses left us, and terrified that some how, some way, we don't deserve the love of our spouses.<p>Appeasement is when we willingly take on the responsibilty for the affair (if I had nagged less, had sex more, etc).<p>Appeasement happens when we stand by and do nothing out of fear that the WS will not ever come back while our WS takes their financial support, leaving us to struggle to maintain a household for the kids - or the WS takes the children into dangerous or immoral situations....<p>Basically appeasement is what we do when we suffer harm willingly (or allow harm to our children) for fear of being left by the WS.<p>Somehow, we think, that if we did everything the WS demands, expect nothing from the WS, take on all the WS responsiblities, and draw no boundaries to take care of ourselves that the WS will suddenly find us attractive and come home again.<p>Too many times I've seen stuff like "My WS wants to take the kids overnight with the OW and I'm not stopping it because it would be an LB." or...even better...."My H isn't supporting me, our electricity is about to be cut off, but I don't want to LB by asking for money..."<p>The fact of the matter is that we didn't attract our spouses in the first place by appeasing them. Why would it work now?<p>To avoid appeasement while Plan Aing, one has to draw some boundaries. We can't control what our spouses do, but that doesn't mean we lay down and act like doormats while they wreck havoc on our lives.<p>Does that help?
BrambleRose - Yes. Yes it does make sense..<p>This may qualify as a "notable post.."<p>I had personally used the phrase " giving away my power.." either way, it seems we willingly discount our value.Never the thing to do, but especially for someone who is treating us so badly.<p>Thank you for your thoughts. <p>Appeasement sucks.<p>Dan
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