Many of you helped me cope over the last few months. Especially DLM. My wife is still in a PA/EA. Same old story about not loving me and OM has nothing to do with that. Feelings have changed, etc.<p>Here is the issue. I believe she and the OM are having "issues". She has been very down lately. I think he let an old "friend" back into his life. W forgave him and went back to him, but he only pays attention to W when she visits him. <p>How do I take advantage of this situation to get her back? She barely talks to me. I try. We only really talk about the kids. We have not been intimate for months (not my doing). I am tryng to be as patient as possible. I love her very much - have told her this repeatedly (cards, letters, flowers - you name it).<p>Thanks! DD
Married 12 years/know each other for 20
3 kids (9, 7, 3)
DDAY - 7/01

Hi Dd,<p>My take on this (only my opinion of course) is that you need to let them kill their own A. It looks like it is happening and you don't want to be blamed for it so let it happen. Be as nice and charming as you can be. <p>L.

My advice is to stop trying so hard. While you keep telling her how much you love her, she doesnt need to worry about you and shes free to persue her OM. <p>Work on getting a life for you, let her see you moving on without her. Have plans, do things, dont always be available. Just distance yourself a little because the more you push to get back together , the more she pulls. Dont talk about the relationship when you are together, talk about the things you have done and the places you have been. <p>Keep being patient, things can fall apart fast with the OM, things are not so perfect any more. Just be her friend right now.
Good luck.

DD,<p>I agree somewhat w/ Orchid - leave them to their own devices. I think that in time your W will figure out that OM is a rude, inconsiderate bonehead who doesn't care about her as nearly as much as she would like.<p>I know that if I were in your W's shoes, the best way to get *my* attention would be if my "old standby" distanced himself as well. Not to say that you should be mean to her. But if it were me, I might be a little less inclined to send her notes and cards and flowers and distance myself from the situation. Nothing gets a person's attention more quickly than if they feel as though they are no longer the center of someone's attention. <p>belld

Thanks for the responses. I hear you all. However, what if it backfires? I mean, what if the A gets blown up on its own as you suggest, I back off now, and she takes that to mean that "He finally is seeing that I don't love him and he is moving on"? Not the results I am looking for.<p>DD

Maybe not but neither you nor the rest of us can control her feelings. Confused as they are can you really fortell which way she will go anyway? <p>Give her enough reason to see you are there but not smother her. The WS like to throw this back in our faces and then claim we don't care. Go figure. <p>I would let her know that you care but right now you just don't know what she needs and when she figures it out she can let you know and then you will think about it. No commitment here, just let her know you will think about it. Keep them guessing. At least may spend some time wondering what you might be up to. <p>JMHO.
L.

This is probably just repeating what you already know, but I agree with others that you should not try too hard (don't overdo it). Affairs usually end on their own, so for you, there are things you can do (Plan A).<p>Work on yourself, figure out what about OM and the relationship with OM is of interest to her. What was your relationship missing? What is missing that you had in the early years? Make yourself attractive to her in every way. It takes time, but you have to start somewhere.<p>You've got to think that when an affair ends, it must shatter their perception of the "perfectness" in a relationship, because afterall, the perfect relationship ended.<p>All you can do is be your best and show her that you are there for the long haul, and are her best option.<p>All easier said than done. Think of things she likes and avoid LBs, and try to fulfill her ENs without pushing to hard.

Need more advice. I still think W & OM are having issues. She's been very depressed lately. Other night she told me she wants to go thru with a full separation. She had been going to her mom's for a couple of days a week until before the holidays but she says she needs more time and space. Yeah right.<p>Do I put up a "fight"?. I love her so much, but she says nothing has changed for her. This is killing/hurting me so much. She knows I won't leave the house and I think the kids should stay here. I think she plans to get something close and share time with the kids. They know nothing yet (9, 7, 4).<p>Help!