I won't be fooled again - Marriage Builders® Forums

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I will not go down this road again.I have found some possible circumstantial evidence that my unemployed H may be hanging out in (or may have sampled) a singles chat room.A site came up in my browser's address bar that looked suspicious. It could be from a pop-up ad, but pop-up ads usually aren't from geocities sites. I did not click on the link; I didn't want to. I'm not prepared to deal with this sort of thing yet, especially if he has "plausible deniability."I have no other indications that he is doing anything he shouldn't. No signs of sneaking, no sexual withdrawal, no emotional withdrawal. If I hadn't dealt with a problem three years ago, I'd think nothing of it.Most of you are new here, so I'll just briefly tell you some quick history. H had "inappropriate friendship" with single female co-worker 3 years ago. I came here, did plan A (though he never admitted to doing anything wrong), things have been fine. I made a lot of changes to put him first, and it's been smooth sailing now for about 2 years.H is a very emotionally needy guy. He's home alone all day now that he's unemployed. He doesn't have friends. I'm basically it. I have hobbies and things I like to do that he doesn't enjoy. He rarely goes to movies with me, so I go with another friend or alone. He doesn't like to socialize, so we don't socialize. If he wants to do something, I go with him, because recreational companionship is important to him. If I want him to do something with me, he won't do it. At night after dinner, I sit with him and watch TV rather than work on my stuff because I think it's important that we spend time together, especially now that he has so little human contact.Last night we were invited to an Oscar party given by a friend of mine; he didn't want to go, and didn't want me going alone late at night. I tried to get a friend to go, but no one could go. So I stayed home. He refused to watch with me, he was watching some dumb movie. And he went to bed early, so I was essentially alone in the house when I could have been with friends.I understand all about putting my marriage first, but the Harleys don't talk about passive/aggressive spouses who are bottomless pits for attention. I have to find some balance between filling his needs and having a life. I don't always want to just watch TV at night. I write, I maintain two Web sites, I do most of the housework. Most of the time, I'm able to find that balance. But right now I am a sole breadwinner AND have to be there for him as well. And that's OK, except that if he's lonely during the day, there's not much I can do to help him. I've been Plan A-ing him for 3 years. I can't do any more to put him first without completely annihilating any selfhood I have, and if there's no me, there's no one here for him either.If it turns out that he's seeking companionship because I'm not giving him enough attention, I cannot continue. Nor should I have to feel that I'm not "putting my marriage first." I am entitled to go out to work, come home, have a little bit of time to work on my hobbies, and spend MOST, even if not ALL, my time sitting with him, without having to worry about him not getting enough from me and seeking it elsewhere, don't I? At what point does "putting your marriage first" become pathological?This has always been the thing about these techniques that's bothered me: The BS is expected to bend over backwards forever to maintain his/her end of the marriage, and do it over and over and over again, regardless of how many times the spouse strays, attempts to stray, or shows signs of being in danger of straying.If he's lonely during the day, what am I supposed to do, quit my job? Where does it stop?[ March 25, 2002: Message edited by: Dazed and Confused ]

I don't think MB works for every marriage, though for many it can work great. If one partner is outside the "normal" range (and I'd throw exessive emotional insecurity/neediness in that basket), the cost to the other partner of trying to meet unfillable needs can be too great, with little hope of success. That's a call you have to make.D&C, I am sorry you are going thru this. I wish your H would pull himself up a bit.Hugs--Kathi

Dazed,
I'm so sorry. Sending you the cyber frying pan.As I understand it, at some point, optimally in early recovery, the BS Plan A turns into both spouses partnering in the 4 rules of successful marriage--honesty, time, protection, POJA. Your H never admitted how inappropriate the...dragon lady, wasn't it?...relationship was.If he's continuing to exhibit bad judgement, make new mistakes, into ugly and unacceptable behavior, I think you need to make it clear to him that you are at a point where you are questioning being married to him.If you had a counselor, go back, if you didn't, it may be time to do so. If he won't go, you go. Three years is a long time to put forth the sole effort. Dr. Harley's time outlines are Plan A 6 month, Plan B 18 mo. And, roughly, no matter the circumstances, if things haven't changed in 2-3 years, they probably aren't likely to so you need to decide how you are going to continue on. As it is? A separation? Divorce? You probably want him to change, you have enough evidence that isn't going to happen, given that it hasn't with your effort. As always, change will have to come from within him.Is this the last straw?I can't even advise you what to do, because, even though I remember you, I don't know what you can do in this situation, other than remind you that you are the only one you can control. If he's porn-surfing/chatting...that's what he's choosing to do.

i was just reading the posts here and came upon yours-
sounds like he's really got a lot of emotional problems you can't fix, and you might as well bang your head against the wall.
sorry you are having such trouble.

Hi Dazed,I am sorry to see you here again with difficulties. I wonder if some of these guys just need more then MB and we can give them. I think you have made heroic efforts to stay connected. But did it just give him to confidence that you will do all the work so he doesnt have to? I do beleive that marrige is like a see saw, when one is putting in all the effort, the other wont.

Well, it just sucks.I'm sorry D&C, truly.Time to take care of YOU. I don't think Plan A is about being a doormat, quitting YOUR job, or being a babysitter and/or companion for an unemployed H.Hugs,

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by Dazed and Confused:
At what point does "putting your marriage first" become pathological?<hr></blockquote>Hmmm... I think at the point where the WS expects you to be responsible for their irresponsibility. NOT FAIR, regardless of the circumstances.It is not your job to put your entire life on hold because of his need for you to always keep him propped up. That's borderline codependency.You know, enabling him in his antisocial behavior, which is unhealthy for you since you enjoy getting out.I think you did good not to click on the link and expose yourself to that pain, but I do believe that 3 years of Plan A is extremely one-sided and UNHEALTHY for YOU!Do you sometimes feel you are standing in the way of his emotional health? You know, because he depends on you so much to keep him "fixed?"Sheesh! Your love bank needs deposits too!!!

HI DC,
At some point your h has to grow up and take responsibility for some of the marriage issues. Is he reaching out on chat rooms because he wants to have some dialogue but is intimidated by other people? I guess I found it odd that he would do this when his other behaviors are so reclusive. What is the fear that is driving him?
You cannot make him happy. No matter what we do, we cannot make another person happy.....
But you can look after your own happiness. There is so much joy in life and we need to appreciate it.
(((((hugs)))))
aloha, cl