Interesting update... - Marriage Builders® Forums

H came to pick up D tonight to take her for a walk while I went to the dentist. I locked the garage door coming into the house. H opened the garage door with his opener and then banged on the door. Mad. I ignored it because I was feeding D. Opened the door. H asks why I locked it. This means I have to take all my "stuff" now. I responded, "I guess so." Non-committal and unemotional.When I come back from the dentist, I get the garbage ready along with recycling. When I finish, I indicate that he can leave. H then suggests that a mediator for separation may be less expensive. He asks whether I'm ready for this. Can I handle it? My heart has honestly dropped at the question but I do not show my emotions. I said, Yes, let me know. He suggest that we talk about it one night. I'm not sure if he's testing me to see where I'm at or perhaps he may be really serious. I take no chances. I'm extremely calm. Sitting beside my D in a hug. H then begins to talk to me about replacing his truck with a newer one, etc. I politely listen offering nothing. H then turns to leave and asks if I want half the savings account now. I say, "well, of course."H turns to leave. I am crushed inside but not as broken as I once would have been. Luckily, I have an angel MB'er that helped me before I lost control. He may be serious but I'm leaving the actions up to him. As I type this post, I look up at all his things. Most of them still surround me. I continue to pray to God that this is the way it must be...to give me strength.

Terrified,We try our best to save our M, save our SO but if that is not possible right now, we have to save our kids and our self. Maybe down the road SO will wake up before too late. You did your best and you know it, let him go for now.God Bless you -RH-

In a bit of a twist to your thread here... it got me to wondering: When is the last time you told your H that you want to reconcile? I don't recall seeing that lately in any of your posts (but I'm blonde, and may have missed it too! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] ).I just wanted to remind you that you need to remind him that you love him, and that you want the two of you to work on your M together. If you don't, then your distancing yourself could be misinterpretted by your H. The greatest opportunities to do this are when he brings up relationship issues - like the mediator. That is a perfect chance to tell him that you are willing to go to see one, if that is what your H wants, but what you want is to reconcile. (I'm too tired to come up with the best wording on it - but I think you can see my point, right? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ).Your post is so calm. You are finding peace. I pray for you that you will soon see that for yourself more.And good for you! Leave the actions up to him. Until he actually does something, every word utterred from his mouth can be considered fogtalk.Karen

Hello RH, You're right. Detaching is our only choice. Thanks for replying.Hi Topie, No, I haven't told him lately that I want to reconcile. The reason I haven't is two-fold. One is, the list of divorce-busting tips advises against any relationship talk. The second is, MB Plan A...work on myself, distance myself from him, focus on me and D? Perhaps when we sit down and have the "talk" might be a better time? Thanks for your care and support!Hugs

TWow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!You got it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Keep your resolve, stay the course.

It sounds like it broke your heart to behave this way but you did a great job of covering up your emotions so he can really THINK about what his actions mean.You know your H better than anyone, so I believe you are right to protect yourself and your daughter from hurt.You do sound much stronger. Good luck with your upcoming talk...

When the time for that talk comes, I'd say something like:I love you and don't want a divorce. But I'm accepting that you do, so I'm preparing to move on. I can't live "married" with you walking in at any time, and all your things around me, if we're not going to be married.[ April 12, 2002: Message edited by: KaylaAndy ]

May I respectfully suggest a MB name change for you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ** Was_Terrified **I think it suits you better!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Stay strong T.Think about this 180 move: pack some of his things. I think better for YOU to do it than for you to watch him do it. Fill one box. Have it ready for him to take with him next time he's at your house.

And I think the other advice you've been given is very good.Make sure he knows you want to reconcile. But you are strong and accepting the alternative.Interesting that he wants to talk about "separation" not "divorce".

Hello everyone and thank you...H called and left me a voice mail this morning re:not watering the plant, when was the last time I swept the kitchen floor, buying diapers at the last minute (why can't I leave him a note since he's much more flexible during the day), etc. etc.GRRRR...I didn't respond to it. And I'm not going to...just need to vent.I wish I didn't feel terrified. Inside, I still very much fear the future. Pepper, thanks for your vote of confidence.

T, I think he is pulling out more guns as he feels more isolated.. and angry... but he is doing it all... My H also has a list of what I do wrong... he made it and gave it to me last time he came over..it included that there was wax on my patio table from a citronella candle.. and there were ants in the front yard that I had not killed... also he wanted me to ensure I feed and water the dog daily.. which I do... but when he came over the water and food were gone... does not mean dog does not get taken care of... sure he needed more water.. but I think I had told my son to do it... and he hadn't yet.. it is son's dog... his responsiblity mainly... do not even remember the other stuff.. but the not watering the plant or wehn did you sweep the kitchen sounds a lot like my H... you know what our counselor called his complaints...RULING FROM THE GRAVE!!! this is a control issue... he is so out of control... and he is grasping at anything he can to try to control you...don't take it... do whatever you want... since he has made you a free woman! celebrate!H [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Honey, Thanks for checking in...so why do they still need control of us? Who's NOT letting go? Is it us or them? Why are they so concerned about what we are or aren't doing? Don't worry...these are questions I ask only here and nowhere else! And I'm definitely starting to celebrate.

Another update...my H called to ask me what I thought about trading in his existing truck for another (wow!). Actually said "what do you think...". I remained cool and calm. Happy for him but non committal.Then he said that he'd have D home by 6:30. I offered to pick her up at MIL's in case it would be out of his way to get to "my" house. He said sarcastically, "my house already, eh?" I didn't REACT. We got off the phone and I did allow myself to feel hopeful for 30 seconds...don't worry. I don't jump on anything more. Err on the side of caution is my motto.Thanks to all for listening.

LOLOLOLOLOLYep MY house.Guess that bothered him. Just like the locks.Seriously T -- pack a box of his things. Make him start realizing what this is all about!YOU ARE DOING SOOOO GREAT!!!

TI'm voting for "Pack that box"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bravo!!!!!!!!!

T,I am soooo proud of U!!!! You are doing well. It is a hard time and standing your ground for the right reasons is hard enough. When he tests you with his quips it is even harder. But you know this and will be ready for whatever he throws your way. As for packing his stuff. Think about this. Does his stuff in the house add to your stress? For me seeing H's clothes in the closet was too painful. Seeing his mess in his office (paperwork and stuff), made me mad. Seeing his computer and other equipment lying around made me frustrated. So I removed all that to the garage. Told H that is what I had to do. Now I did that 4 times. After a while I got quite good at it. Initially I packed everything real nice. After the 2nd time, they just got thrown out there. But each time, I felt better. The anger, frustration sadness and overall stress was noticeably reduced on me and increased on the WS. JHMO,
L.

Terrified,
And if he's so concerned about the plants, give them to him [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . And, tell him to buy diapers himself for when the child is with him...what are you his personal shopper?Seriously, I think the consequences and actions you are taking are good. He's obviously noticed them. It means something to him that he can't just walk in. Packing up my H's stuff made me madder than I was. I nonhandled it by saying to myself "Self [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] , having his stuff around bugs you, ignore it, accept it, it is not your problem." And, when he left his wedding ring laying around, I put it away somewhere "safe".I think sometimes it is ok, like in the case of a separated spouse's stuff, to say, "I'm not going to handle this right now." Or begin using it for cleaning rags, target practice [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . We all have our limit and means of dealing.Terrified, what exactly are you fearing for your future? It might help to write down your unformed anxieties and then brainstorm what, if anything, you can do about them now, or plan to do in the future. Naming or defining fears tend to take some of the sting out of them.

Thanks for your support.Lex, I'm not sure I'm ready for packing the box. I have to feel confident I can follow through. I have to know that I can pack the box and hand it to him without flinching. Right now, I'm not sure. Tomorrow is my niece's b-day party. D goes with my H. Going to be fairly emotional. Lor, My fears for the future are i)being without my H's love forever ii)not being able to stop loving him iii)watching him start another life with the OW iv)meeting the OW and wanting to wring her neck v)having to accept it vi)legal separation and/or divorce Hugs to all of you

<blockquote>quote:<hr> My fears for the future are i)being without my H's love forever ii)not being able to stop loving him iii)watching him start another life with the OW iv)meeting the OW and wanting to wring her neck v)having to accept it vi)legal separation and/or divorce <hr></blockquote>Ok, not easy to deal with, but what can you do? Here's how I would try to manage those fears for myself.1) if he doesn't love you, you can't make him love you. But, you can go on with your life, enjoy your children, enjoy your days, try new experiences, be productive, be helpful, be considerate. If he doesn't love you, you shouldn't dry up and blow away.2) You might always love him, and that's ok. He is your husband, father of your children, you spent time together and you can love & appreciate him for those things, for the good times. Your heart won't break forever though it may feel like it will now, even if you would wish for a different outcome and have regrets.3) If he chooses a life with the OW, it is a future built on infidelity and wreckage. Statistics say it is unlikely to last past 5 years. You work out the details as you need to, visitation, child support, communication. You can't control his decisions.4)You will want to ring her neck, or worse [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] . But you won't because you have a child and do not want to go to jail, and moreso, you are a person of dignity and honor. She isn't. I have met the FOW, and well, I wanted to push her long hair into the intake fan of the Kid's Jumping Castle, a sharp nudge and her stumble of 2 feet would have done it. I didn't, but the temptation still haunts me [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .5) IF you can't change it you try to accept it. A good counselor can be a godsend.6) See #5. For both legal separation & divorce there are procedures. You drag your feet using all your allowed time, but you sign and/or file on time as the court orders. You behave equitably, honorably and with dignity.You may come up with better solutions.If these things come to pass, all you can do is choose your own actions and words and path. You can't stop them if that is your H's decision. He may finally have a turnaround, like my H did after 2 years, but he may not. You handle the things you need to handle. I don't think there is an easy way out if your H chooses the OW & divorce.[ April 13, 2002: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]

Lor, Thanks for replying. Just wondering, did you have any of the fears I expressed while separated? Although your H may have told you he didn't love you, did you really believe him?

Terrified,
I had all those fears and more, all those feelings of powerlessness. But, defining them does help. And also knowing that though I couldn't control how my H treated me or his actions, I could choose how I was going to react.He did tell me he didn't love me, couldn't live with me, didn't want to be married to me, and that I wasn't attractive. It was the last one that tipped me off that he was a little out of his mind, I'm very attractive [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] (ignore how arrogant that sounds) men, others tell me so all the time, I get propositions...so if that part wasn't true, I did have some doubts about the rest. And, actually what he meant was I wasn't currently attractive to him. And, I lost some weight, started working out, got blonde & tan & buff...But truthfully, I still get a little irritated that 15 pounds made a difference. If someone loves you, they love you, no matter? Plus, I'm over 40, have arthritis, my attractiveness is not likely to increase over time.But confronting that, led me to try to figure out the other things I fear. And what I can do about them or choose to think about them.