Ok, I'm sure I'm not alone here, but I'm trying to get my W interested in the MB principles. She has picked up a few of the books I'm reading, but says things like "they are dumb". She did say she liked the Surviving an Affair" the best. That's interesting because she is the one that had the A. (I had an EA 4 years ago (Internet) that lasted 6 mo. and ended ubruptly when I saw how it hurt her)<p>Ok so I was trying to figure out what her EN's are and what are some LB's for her etc., but she seemed disinterested. I asked her doesn't she want to restore "Romantic Love" and she said matter of factly, "There never was any Romantic Love". She has a way of defeating me before I even get started. Is this a normal reaction?<p>She's acting like she's in another EA or something. Is it common for the WS to show NO interest even though the OMM is gone?<p>I have an appointment with SH next thurs. by myself, so hopefully I can get this restoration process started!<p>Well any insights are appreciated. Feeling disappointed [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

I know I've tried to get my WW to read books and to go to counseling but haven't been very successful to this point. I have my doubts she's done much reading of them at all and she says she knows what she's doing is right because of what she feels in her heart. She said nobody else knows how she feels and the books don't apply to her situation. Her other comment is that the books are written just to make money and tell people like me what I want to hear.<p>Like you, she told me she doesn't want to restore any feelings of love for me because she's never loved me in that way and doesn't want to even try. Of course, 5 minutes later she said she used to love me and it's only been the last couple years she's felt this way (we've been married for over 18 yrs. and together over 22). She also told me that the OM could walk away tomorrow and she wouldn't come back to me.

djw,<p>Sorry to hear you have a similar situation. I think my W loves the OM, and thinks that she could never love anybody like that again which distorts her view. Unfortunately the OM is deceased, and so she will only remember the best of him. She won't have the opportunity to be disappointed by him being less than perfect.<p>Are you getting counseling? I guess I need to focus on myself only until she can see the changes. Are you doing Plan A or B?<p>Hoping for the best for both of us!

Yes, I've had counseling and am doing pretty good. I've put all my weight back on (had dropped from 172 to 152), am sleeping very well now and functioning much better at work. I'm moving forward with my life and really focusing on being stable for the kids, since my W's #1 priority right now is the OM.<p>I'm using Plan A but it's difficult when the kids, especially my daughter, continue to be hurt by my W's actions with the OM. I try to be nice when I tell my WW how her actions are hurting the kids and I try to be very positive and upbeat about everything else. Good luck.<p>[ May 12, 2002: Message edited by: djw ]</p>

Want2FixIt, I don't think your wife is anywhere near being ready to work on the marriage now. She will probably be grieving for months. This A didn't die, he did. Neither one of them ended it.
She will miss him and "know" it would have worked.
Be patient with her and put most of your efforts into Plan A, which is making yourself a better person. Step out of your comfort zone and really get to know yourself. Be there for your kids make their days fun and encouraging. They will focus less on Mom being down(etc.) if you meet their EN. You can feel good about making a difference in thier lives, even if M is slow or stopped. Good luck, and God's blessings.

When you have a resistant spouse, the best thing to do is to learn the principles yourself, come up with your own plan and implement it. Once the MB principles become an integral part of the way you live your life, you talk the talk and walk the walk, and it becomes natural. You can make reference to all the concepts without the MB terminology, and it will still make sense:<p>

• I cannot agree to that with enthusiasm, and it will make me unhappy if you do it anyway. (POJA)
• You don't seem very enthusiastic about doing this, and I don't want to cause you unhappiness, what do you want to do? (POJA)
• When you yell at me like that, it has a negative effect on my feelings for you. (LB and Love Bank withdrawals)
• When you cuddle with me on the couch, I feel so close to you. I love feeling so cared for. (EN and Love Bank deposits)
• I'd really like to spend more quality time with you. I enjoy your company so much, and our R is so enjoyable the more time we spend with each other. (Rule of Time)

<p>Anyway, you get the idea. The most influential book she can read is YOU. Live it, and then maybe she'll want to, too.<p>[ May 12, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Thanks djw,<p>I'm glad to see things are going better and that counseling helped.<p>Daniel, You confirmed what I thought. At first I thought it would be easier, but now I'm not sure because he will allways be perfect as she remembers. The problem I have is that she wants to talk about him frequently and that is really hard. I'm starting to think I need to be patient and listen, and be empathize in order to win her back. It is hard, but I think I can do it since there isn't any chance of him physically interfering.<p>Conquerer, your wisdom of using MB but not using the lingo will really help. The MB principles don't come natural yet, but I guess they will in time. I will work on ME.<p>Thanks all

This one is a tough nut to crack because you can not do a plan B and let OM take care of all of her EN's because he's dead.<p>I'm glad that you are counseling with SH because your case needs the handling of a professional. With SH's experience he might have encountered another case like yours in the past and might know how best for you to handle it.<p>Please keep us posted.<p>Joe