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I started posting here in June and now here it is, the end of July almost, and I still haven't told my husband about my A. Since I am a teacher and so is the OM, I haven't seen him in over a month. We have had some online, as well as a little phone contact, too. He was applying for some government jobs and I was really really praying that he'd get one. Instead, he got a raise and is staying at my school. It is so difficult to think of another year working with him. But honestly I have no other choice at this point. So why am I writing this? Because every day I read and read and read all of the posts by BS and there are always some that hit me hard and firm my resolve not to continue this craziness, and put an end to it once and for all. I know how hurtful this will be to my husband when I tell him, I know how much it would hurt my children if I broke up my family, I know my friends would all be shocked and disgusted with my actions...and yet I continue to have that EA, that pull that I can't quite sever. Please give me some advice - either other WS who have gone through this hell, or from BS who can convince me how hurtful and wrong what I am doing is...I should also point out that OM is playing games with my emotions these days - cool and aloof, not a word for days, then lovey-dovey, complimentary, the guy he knows I can't resist. What is wrong with me? Do I have such low self-esteem that I am willing to put my marriage at risk for this sh#*?

NT,

You will have a very very hard tiime doing this by yourself. The person that can help YOU the most is your H. I know it sounds looney to you, but your H is the person that will keep you focused on your marriage. I would strongly suggest that you involve a counselor to help you tell him. There is no easy way out of this, but the only way out that will lead to the result I think you want is honesty.

Good luck and God Bless,

JL

Good to see you neverthought. haven't seen you in awhile. I don't know if this will make a difference but here goes. Whenever I post to you, I say things I wish I couls say to my WH.
The pain is sooo not worth it. I feel like my life is over for nothing. taken away from me without no say. I probably still wouldn't know about the affair without my snooping or women's intuition. It hurts so much to trust someone and love them and then to eventually be told by them it doesn't matter. You loved and trusted in vain. It hurts so much it is like a death. I think the only way I could hurt more losing my husband would be for him to die.
Please make a good choice. Stay strong and realize decadence can be fun (EA's PA's) But the only reward is hurting someone you love. Losing someone you love. destroying their self image and belief system to the point where it feels unrepairable. IT ISN"T WORTH IT. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh but my husbands fence sitting for the last 6 weeks has caused so much agony sometimes I want to give up on everything.
Please get help, end the EA, tell your husband. Fight for what is worth fighting for.
Your marriage.
Good luck,
Hugs to you,
layli

Neverthought ... Some questions for you.

How are you sleeping? Good or not so good?

How are you doing physically? Headaches? Stomach aches?

How is your appetite? Same as usual or changed?

Do you feel joy and pleasure when you and H enjoy SF? Do you look forward to SF with your H?

Are you having difficulty concentrating and/or problem solving? Are you performing at work as well as usual?

How are you doing spiritually? Do you love yourself? Do you respect your choices?

How is your family doing? Do you feel "in the moment" when you are with your family, or do you feel somewhat "out of body" when with your family?

Are you enjoying the little things in your life that usually please you?

Have you started a journal?

Keep posting.......

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Read this....and then decide what to do.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=010715

wwl

[ July 22, 2002, 11:58 PM: Message edited by: wrestlingwithlove ]

Just a thought for you to consider: How would you feel if your husband was having sex with another female co-worker and was disrespecting you and your marriage the way you are disrespecting your husband and your marriage? Does your husband really deserve this? If you tell your husband it will put an end to your affair and show your husband that you still have some respect for him. Otherwise continue as you are and cheapen your marriage and continue to show distain and disrespect for the man who loved and married you and wished to spend his life with you. The choice is yours.

JL - thank you for your response. I know what you say is the truth. It is just so hard to get the courage to tell my terrible secret.

Layli - what you wrote is in no way too harsh - harsh is what I need. Decadence is the perfect word for what I've been doing - and you're right, it isn't worth the destruction it will cause. Thanks for your continued help and support. In truth, I don't know how you can stand to be so kind to me.

Pepper - You are right on target about the sleeping problems. I wake up in the middle of the night with thoughts of the OM running through my head. Why hasn't he called? Is he cheating on ME? (And his wife?!) Why do I want him so bad? As for SF with my husband, I have to be honest and say it is better than ever. My husband seems much more tuned in to me lately and is very interested in making me happy, whether by getting a sitter and going on a date, giving hugs and "I love yous", wanting me to buy sexy lingerie, etc. It is as though he is recognizing some of my EN without my even mentioning them. What is that about, do you think? The worst thing of all is that OM is never out of my mind. In the middle of doing something, anything, there he is...everything brings him to mind. I was thinking the otherday that if I lost my H, would there be as many things that trigger my thoughts of him? What I mean is, we've been together for 14 years - why does it seems as though any little thing reminds me of OM, but not my H? Pepper, I've read your responses to so many hurting people in here and I respect your opinion so much. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

WWL - Thanks for the thread. I know what I need to do...and your post is helping me on my way to doing that, I hope. That was exactly what I needed!

Bryan - If my husband was doing what I've done, I'd die. I don't know if I could forgive him, which is why I am so scared to tell him. Plus the fact that I have to work at the same school at least next year and I don't want him thinking and worrying about it everyday. I wish I could handle this better - actually I wish I had never been so stupid...

Dear Never,
I understand where you are and I wish I had the magic formula to fix it because I would do it for me too. I am not a WS simply because I am actually divorced from my husband (since Jan. 02).
We continued to 'see' each other after the divorce and he began dating someone else too. I didn't go out with anyone and kept up Plan A. We didn't divorce because of any affairs - just a whole lot of other problems and terrible communication issues over the years.
Anyway, in May I had my first date and went out with this guy twice. I had a great time and really fell for him. My xh had an epiphany and decided that he wanted us to try and put our relationship back together. He immediately broke things off with the woman he had been seeing and started IC.
What I had thought I wanted for so long was coming to fruition and now I was the one on the fence. I kept telling myself (and my xh) that I was just scared to trust and scared to try again because I had been hurt so bad. That was true. But, also I had gotten a 'taste' of the newness and excitement of another relationship and I was (and am) incredibly physically attracted to the guy I went out with. He is divorced (and has been for several years), so I don't really feel like anyone is in an affair situation. However, I can't fully recommit to my xh and attempt reconcilation while I am spending all my time and energy thinking about this other guy.
My xh doesn't know that I am still struggling with this. I know the best thing for me and for my future and for my children to reconcile with my husband. I honestly feel like we can finally have the marriage we both wanted all along. I know he really loves me and will be there for me. And yet.... And yet....

I feel like you when you say - what on earth could possibly be wrong with me that I can't even get out of my own way and not mess this up? Sometimes I think I must be the most self-absorbed narcissitic person on the planet.
I am still in e-mail and occasional phone contact with OM (for lack of a better term) and we saw each other last week at his house for a brief rendevous.

I can't sleep and I continue to lose weight (a good thing at first, now it is to the point that I should stop). I am stressed and I know I have the power to fix this. I just don't know how.

Again, sorry I don't have the answer. I do think you going back to work with him when school starts is going to be rough. It is going to be very hard whether you end it and tell, end it and don't tell, don't end it... there are no simple solutions.

Dear Never....

Working as a family medicine nurse practitioner, I had been privileged to witness intimacies of many peoples lives these past 22 years. I remember one very nice, sweet, educated, married woman very well. She had a vaginitis that I could just not seem to get rid of. We tested for everything. We tried various treatments. Nothing worked. She kept returning with the same symptoms over and over. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Finally, one day, purely on gut instinct I asked her, "Are you having an affair?" ... She burst into tears, and sobbed, "Yes, I am. I feel so terrible for what I've done to my husband. To my family. I cannot look at myself in the mirror!" .... We talked. She released. her vaginitis cleared up without medication.

Guilt and the stress of keeping terrible secrets will work on you. You may be headed for a nervous breakdown.

Get professional help! You may need to be medicated for awhile. You DO need personal therapy. This just will not "go away" by your wishing and hoping. It will devour you.. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Please do not delay. The longer you wait, the worse this addiction gets.

Break free. Trust your husband ... and eventually, trust yourself.

God bless.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Wiffle - You are right when you say that the feelings we are going through are similar. I'm starting to realize that what I'm struggling with more than anything is this: I could live without OM, I really could. I could even work with him and make it be OK. My true problem lies in the fact that I am jealous beyond belief that he might begin a similar relationship with someone else at my school. How sick is that? I don't know if it is all in my head or if he is really capable of doing such a thing. He tells me that he wants the same things I do, what we have is special, blah, blah, blah...then why do I have such nagging doubts now of his sincerity? And why do I care? My life with my family and husband are my "real life" and this other side of me with him is just nothing! I tell myself that daily - and yet, I still crave his attention. As you say, I am very narcisistic and selfish to allow this to happen. I truly appreciate your post and your post. Let me hear how you are doing with your situation - I hope it works out for the best for you and your family.

Oh Pepper, what you wrote scares me so much - my mother had a nervous breakdown at my age (due to the stress of numerous miscarriages and an unsupportive husband) and I've often wondered if I would be prone to having one too. It kills me that I've put myself into a situation where this is likely. But I really don't feel I need meds - maybe once school starts if things feel this crazy or crazier, I'd consider that, but right now I am OK. Can you just explain two things to me, please: How can telling my husband make things better, when I know he will worry everyday while I'm at school that I haven't ended things? Also, is it imperative that I see a MC? Couldn't the wisdom of people such as yourself help me get through this? Just some questions that I'm wondering about...Thank you again for all of advice...I appreciate it more than you know.

Sorry to poke a nerve in you ... but perhaps I can poke just enough to get you out of your limbo hell so you start doing positive things for yourself!

YES, in my opinion it is imperative you see a professional counselor. We on this forum are a support group. You need serious therapy. you are in REAL trouble. Let me put it to you another way.... If one of your own kids was in this much trouble, wouldn't you make darn sure they got professional help? Also, if one of your students was in this much trouble, wouldn't you made darn sure they got professional help? If your mother had received professional help before her breakdown, do you think she would have been better off?

And ... for the record ... I do NOT think you should confess to your husband ... yet. You are in no shape whatsoever to help him with his reaction. YOU have an OBLIGATION to get yourself on the road to better mental and spiritual health before you tell your husband. After you are more grounded, then you will tell him ... and, you'll tell him in a loving mature and prepared method.

Keep posting.....

Pepper

PS ... I'm in a hurry ... sorry for all the spelling errors <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

[ July 23, 2002, 09:55 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]

Your statement of "my life with my husband and family is my real life and this other thing is just nothing..." hits home with me. I am trying to figure out what it is that is missing IN ME that I am so 'taken' by this "nothing". What hole am I trying to fill?
What am I trying to avoid by hanging on to this diversion with this other guy?
Yes, it is exciting (I would bet sex with someone new almost always is).
Yes, it is intoxicating (just like any mind or mood alterating substance).
Yes, it is dangerous (adds to the thrill, I guess).
Yes, it feels good and validating to be admired and desired by someone else (this speaks to my need for admiration and my own weakness in self-esteem).
And after just a few episodes it becomes addicting - just like a drug or nicotine. My body (and pschye) actually think they NEED this outside influence.
I understand why people say no contact is the only way to end it and move on. But, that is like telling me I have to give up something that I want so much. And, like a 2 year old, I don't want to give it up. I want what I want.

So, the alternative is to go to xh and say, "you know, I thought I was ready to reconcile and finally let you in my heart and let our love be the strong influence in my life that I know it can be, but, i have changed my mind. And now what I want is to run around like a teenager with a crush and live the single life and see my children a few times a week and party and give up everything we have worked for. I want to teach my children that you just do whatever feels good at the time and who cares about the consequences because I am the only one who matters and what I want is all that is important."

Or, the other option is to say, "XH, (or in your case, H) I have decided that I have found the love of my life and he and I are destined to be together and it is right and good. Our children will be fine with this because it is so right. You will go on to find someone else who can really love you because I am not that person - I know we both thought I was, but we were wrong. We must have been wrong because this other thing is so perfect."

When I put down those 2 scenarios both seem absolutely riduculous and stupid and I know what is right. Still, knowing and doing are hard.

I’ll jump in here. I think I actually confessed my A to my husband because I could not stand the stress of the life I was living. I had reached the point of despair. The sneaking around and lying and trying get my husband out of the house so that I could make contact was pure hell and more than I could take. My confession was my plea for help. Something had to change. I didn’t know at the time if our marriage would survive or not, but I could not continue like I was.

I actually knew in my heart that I would never even leave my husband for OM. I wanted to end the A, but was afraid of the pain of withdrawal. I wanted to end it and tried several times, only to fall back into it. My self-esteem continued to drop because I did not have the strength to get something out of my life without help.

I worked with the OM at a very large hospital. We worked in the same department, so it was not like I only saw him occasionally. He wanted to continue a friendship even after the affair ended…and keep me in his life in any way possible. So, I tried continuing to work and keep things cordial. I did this for almost a year. I could not imagine quitting my job. I thought it was impossible….I would never find another job that was that good…that I liked…that paid that much…etc. My husband did not encourage me to quit (because we were scared what it would do to us financially), but I am sure that he did not enjoy knowing I was going off each day to see OM.

The OM would go out of his way to try to walk by my desk, or run in to me, or start a conversation. It felt as though my mistake was parading in front of my eyes as a constant reminder.

This all happened two years ago. I DID quit the job, and yes I did get another job. Matter of fact, I didn’t even have to look…they came begging me to come to work for them.

We went through two years of therapy, but I can honestly say that true recovery did not begin until I was no longer in contact in any form or fashion. My therapist said she HAS seen it work where A partners continued to work together, but quite frankly, I was MAD that she did not insist I quit! I don’t think I would have ever made it without the therapy. On my last session, after two years, my therapist cried as she was telling me how she had seen me grow and become so strong. She said that I should hold my head up high. But, the first day I walked in her office…I felt despair that I did not think we could EVER over come.

Telling your husband gives him the opportunity to be able to help you. He needs to know what he is dealing with to be able to help fix the marriage. He will be better able to support you….but, also, I am afraid that you will see what pain and hurt this causes him. All of this together with the counseling will help you become closer, better able to communicate and see from behind each other’s eyeballs. You can have a marriage you never dreamed you could have.

Good luck and God bless.

What Susan has written here for you is a true gift. Susan has much wisdom relating to your situation. Please listen to her. She is a warm and caring woman with life experience she is willing to share with you, for your benifit.

God Bless

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Thanks Pepper...I don't know how much help I can be, but I have lived it and I am living proof that you CAN survive. You can come out from it with a better marriage. Withdrawal is HELL, but it does eventually end.

And boy, oh boy, I have learned sooooo much... about myself especially, but also about all relationships (and my position within them).

Let me list the reasons why you should inform your husband immediately:
1) If down the line your husband finds out (somehow they usually come out) from someone else then he will be tremedously humiliated and make your recovery very difficult.
2) You are allowing your husband to help you and become part of the process in looking at the issues that would cause you to have a sexaul affair with another man and also put your husband's health at risk and work toward a better relationship.
3) You are proving to your husband that you are very remorseful and are working to regain his trust. By not doing this you continue to humiliate, disrespect and emotional castrate him.
4) The major reason is that if you are honest with your husband the affair will most certainly end because it has been exposed.

Your reason not to tell him because you feel he would feel unhappy because you still work with the other man does not hold water. I think you need to face reality. I would suspect the reason you do not wish to tell your husband is because you really do not wish the affair and the excitement to end. By rationalizing you do not wish to make your husband feel bad, you therefore continue to open up the possibility of continuing the affair at any time. You know by telling your husband the affair would stop immediately and you really do not wish that. You stated that you would die if your husband was doing to you what you are doing to him. What does that tell you about you?
I again encourage for you to show respect to your husband and be honest and open with him so the affair will end and you both can work together on your relationship. At the very least you owe your husband that. Otherwish down the line the affair will continue because you do not have faith in yourself and your relationship to show remorse and be honest with your husband. Only you can decide how you wish to treat your husband
but he has right to know and please do not use the argument you do not want him to feel upset about you working at the same school with the OM.
You should treat people the way you would want to be treated. If the roles were reversed would you want you husband to continue to lie to you?

NT,
I am a BS. I dragged the information about his A out of my FWH. He wouldn't tell me who OW was..said it didn't matter, it was over. But eventually he continued to have contact with her (he made the effort). After I finally found out who she was, I think it all sank in for him. He was very upset, embarrassed, etc. It was like he finally realized what he was doing. If she didn't have a face and a name he had convinced himself that it wasn't wrong. He is now coming out of a very deep depression...one that our counselor said has been going on for years...partly the result of not communicating with me for years...(he always tried to pretend our lives were perfect). This lack of communication resulted in his A which compounded the depression. His mother has had 3 breakdowns in her lifetime. He became physically ill too.(Pepperband is right on)Then his father died and he had to deal with feelings that he wasn't a good son; his father (very religious man) would have been disappointed in him are his exact words.

As a result of his A, I became depressed. It is like dominos...if our kids and parents knew...they would be very unhappy too.

So get the counseling..get the meds...then tell your husband. I would have respected my husband immediately instead of having to rebuild trust and respect all over again..it isn't easy to do, if not impossible in some instances.

My FWH also works with OW. I think she used him to some degree. She walks around all cheery and he comes home to depression. Your OM is using you for his own enjoyment...he is going to ruin your life and move on as if nothing has happened. My FWM OW's husband doesn't even know what happened. She has no intention of fixing her marriage. She is happy I guess. I think you said in another post that your OM isn't in a happy marriage. Do you see a problem here? Get out asap!

Pepper:

I sent you an email. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

^bump^ for Neverthought...update? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hey Never,
I, too, am just bumping to see how you are doing and have you contacted him? I talked to the 'guy' yesterday afternoon and really want to see him. I know this is moronic and yet, here I sit.
Sorry, I am not much help. I probably shouldn't even post to your thread. You need to hear from stronger people who know what they are doing and are more mature and stable than me.
Just wanted you to know a fellow struggler is thinking of you and knows what you are feeling - even though you can't imagine anyone on the planet could be feeling what you are feeling.
Let us know how you are.

Thanks for checking, Wiffle and Susan. I am not particularly proud of myself, which explains why I haven't written more lately. Yesterday I had a meeting scheduled at school, which OM knew about. He had mentioned that "you never know who you might run into..." Remember, we haven't seen each other in over a month. In that time I've ridden the roller coaster of still wanting him badly, but after reading and posting here, growing stronger in knowing that my marriage is the important thing. Some days I feel so sure of myself, other days I'm a wet dishrag. so anyway, yesterday I drove to school, confident that it didn't matter if he was there or not - my marriage has to come first and just because we weren't caught during the school year, nothing is to say the whole thing couldn't blow up this year - so time to stop te craziness and climb off the roller coaster. I got to school and there were a couple of people there, including the ones that I was meeting with. As we are all catching up in the office, one of them yells, "Hey, OM, come here for a second!" I almost died! When I hadn't seen his car in the lot, I was sure he hadn't come and that I was "safe", my resolve wouldn't be put to the test. As it was, I was cordial to him, but I could feel his interest in me (or was that my imagination?) Anyway, at one point I had to run down to my classroom to get something and on my way back to the office, I saw that he had slipped out and followed me. I made some comment about the music the custodians were playing and I saw him looking to see if anyone was around. He put his arm around my waist and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. I immediately walked away and back into the safety of the office. I was there for about another half hour, during which time he was in there for one reason or another. I decided to run an errand for the principal and left as soon as I could. Last evening, he sent me an email saying that I looked good, it was good to see me, and that he had thought I was returning to school after the errand - what had happened? As easy as that I can get sucked back into the whole mess again. The only difference is, I am not encouraging contact, tired of stroking his ego, and I am focusing more intently on my husband. It is amazing how my feelings for my H are changing. Last night when we made love and he said I love you, it was so meaningful and it made me think that with OM, I am always unsure of where we stand. With my husband, I know he loves me and deserves all of my attention, not the little bit I can spare that is leftover after giving so much to OM. So there you have it - I didn't handle it perfectly, but I feel as though I am holding the power, not him, and that I have begun to put my husband first. Thank you so much for your continued support and Pepperband, I hope someday that you will tell me that you are proud of my brave integrity, as you did another poster that I read today. No I have not yet told my husband, but I feel as though I am getting a grip on reality. Could it be I am slowly emerging from the fog?

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Some days I feel so sure of myself, other days I'm a wet dishrag <hr /></blockquote> <blockquote>quote:<hr />So there you have it - I didn't handle it perfectly, but I feel as though I am holding the power, not him, and that I have begun to put my husband first. <hr /></blockquote>Is letting him give you a quick kiss in the hall having power over him?

Is making love with your husband and comparing it to your feelings with OM (even if they are unsure) having any power over him?

I know in my case I THOUGHT I could handle it. But, OM would say..."don't quit your job, at least continue to work here so that we can at least just see each other occasionally" (then he would walk by my desk constantly). Then he would say "well, can we at least talk or email" Then it would be "well, please just CALL me .... "Please just meet me in the supply room and let me have one quick hug"...and then "please meet me for lunch"...and THEN..."Please can't you just touch me?....." and you know the rest..One thing leads to another and THE FOG HAD ROLLED BACK IN thicker than ever!!! With each attempt to break it off, it almost seemed to get stronger.

The FOG had rolled back in as thick and heavy as EVER! But, even more than all of the CONTACT, my mind was constantly analyzing. I wondered if he was sad, I wondered if he was happy at home with his wife, I wondered if he would have someone else, another affair if I broke it off. I wondered if what we had was REAL.

Even during NO CONTACT and WITHDRAWAL, my mind was filled with thoughts of him. But, with time, those thoughts get fewer and fewer. Eventually you realized you have not thought of him in the last 10 minutes, then you realize it has been an hour, or 2 hours, and finally days since he crossed your mind.

For me, it was only after I was able to have no contact and quit obsessing that the FOG truly lifted so that recovery could begin. I realized I WANTED MY LIFE BACK! I wanted to find ME again. Now, I look back and can hardly believe I got myself into such a mess...I think "who WAS that GIRL????" It was certainly out of character for me.

I urge you to really pay attention to what is happening here and be honest with yourself. I am here to cheer you on!

[ July 25, 2002, 07:43 AM: Message edited by: Susan ]

Susan - let me try to explain better...in days past, a quick kiss on the lips would have led to a clandestine visit to his classroom. The fact that I was able to walk away makes me feel like I'm more in control. Also, although it is true that he was in my thoughts as my H and I were making love (and that is nothing new!), this time he doesn't come out on top, with my husband coming in second. Does that make sense?

I can't believe how similar your story seems to be to mine. It is exactly that way - he has even said to me that if we weren't able to stay friends after all this, it would make him very sad. So what?! I have to put the needs of my H and family first. The thing that makes me the maddest is that when this whole thing started, I wasn't looking ahead to the future. I know that having a relationship with someone you work with is stupid - but even more so if you are both married! Now it looks like he could be staying for a few years and I'm angry that I could end up being the one to leave my school - and I've been there over 13 years!

And I have to say that I don't feel as obsessed as I have been in the past. Whole minutes (!) go by when I don't think of him...and when I do, it isn't with the same gut-wrenching want that I did before. I should thank him, because he's made me see what a good man my husband is and I appreciate my H more than I ever have. Now I don't know if my H has always been this caring and attentive and I just didn't notice it, or if he is feeling threatened and is trying to meet my EN. For whatever reason, strange as it sounds, my M seems stronger today than it has in a long time. Sounds crazy, but it is true!

Any advice on how to handle "no-contact" when you have to work with the OM - bring your class to his room for lessons, etc??? And thank you, thank you, thank you for your continued support and non-judgmental ways! I can't tell you how much it helps!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Any advice on how to handle "no-contact" when you have to work with the OM - bring your class to his room for lessons, etc??? And thank you, thank you, thank you for your continued support and non-judgmental ways! I can't tell you how much it helps! <hr /></blockquote>I certainly can't judge you. I have lived the same story. I have come out on the other side. My only hope is to help you and hopefully you can learn from my experience and not make some of the same mistakes I did.

Now, I do have comments on this, but I am at work right now and I have a project pressing that I need to work on. But...I'll be back as soon as I get it going.

Hang on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Any advice on how to handle "no-contact" when you have to work with the OM - bring your class to his room for lessons, etc??? <hr /></blockquote>Well, herein lies the problem. No contact is not possible as long as you still have to deal with him, even regarding work. You are still having contact. I tried doing the “no-contact” letter and telling him I wanted to work on my marriage and for him to do the same. Each time he looked so sad and ended up convincing me to try and keep the friendship.

Like I said, my counselor said it was possible to recover and still work with the A partner. I know you don’t want to hear this, but for me, THAT WAS NOT POSSIBLE.

I kept thinking I could find a way to balance it all. That I could make my marriage work and as long as I did not have sex with OM it would not take away from my marriage.

But, there was no way I could focus all of my attention, all of my energy, all of my love toward my husband. I had a heart and head divided.

My husband did a pretty smart thing, although at the time, I thought it was mean and cruel of him. Our son had just graduated high school. He was playing his last summer of baseball. My husband came home and announced to me that since “he was not the man of my life, (he was so very hurt) and he was getting out of my way”. He talked with his boss and convinced him to give him a 30 day work detail in a large town 8 hours from here. I thought it was mean…he would not be here to see our son’s last games…etc.

At first it gave me FREE time for the OM…but, then HE was with his family and he didn’t have time for me. Then as I sat at those baseball games alone watching our son…and spent all of those days and nights alone. I EVEN had my FIRST flat tire, alone, with no one to call. I know that it caused me to realize how much I missed my husband for the little things I had always taken for granted. The time alone helped me to see what I was considering giving up and I wasn’t even sure I could have the OM, or if I really even wanted him.

If I am correct, your husband does not know what he is dealing with and you are not in therapy. I really don’t think you can handle this on your own. Girl, this is BIG, not something to take lightly! and it is HARD WORK to recover. You can’t just sweep it under the rug and hope you are getting stronger. (That is a whole ‘nother part of my story….) It is hard to really have a stronger marriage when you are not open and honest with your husband.

I knew that we had to have help and I knew that I had to leave my job. And I was MAD! I was working on a research project with the hospital that I had started from the beginning of the project. I had nursed it for four years and the program was just beginning to be become a state mandated program. They begged me NOT to leave. I even did it from home for a while. I was MAD at the OM, but he was the Business Administrator for that department. He had been there longer than I had too. And he didn’t see ANY need for either of us to leave, so he wasn’t going anywhere. I was even MAD because he was sitting in that job instead of trying to get a promotion!!

One day when I could not handle it anymore...I remember laying on my bed after work one day. I was crying saying that I could not go back to work anymore. Nothing had happened out of the ordinary. I was just exhausted…living that double life can take it's toll on you.

First my husband said “well, let’s just pay this off and then you can quit”….I felt such despair and hopelessness….he was finally concerned enough to say “ok, I don’t know what we will do or what will happen, but just quit”. There were times I really didn’t want to.

Looking back now, I truly believe that quitting the job along with the extended counseling saved us!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by neverthought:
Now I don't know if my H has always been this caring and attentive and I just didn't notice it, or if he is feeling threatened and is trying to meet my EN. <hr /></blockquote>neverthought,
I have never posted to you before. But I have been following your story. You have been getting excellent advice here. Especially from Susan. Please listen to her.

Anyhow I quoted you because what you said made me think. In the above quote you say that you don't know if your husband has always been this attentive or maybe he is feeling threatened. And I thought, red flag, big time!!! He is probably sensing that something is wrong and he probably can't quite put his finger on it. I think he FEELS it. That's why he is being more attentive now.

I think at this point it would be in your best interest to tell him before he finds out on his own. And believe me...he WILL . Mine did for the same reasons that I am telling you now.

I was caught in a lie and believe me, it errodes trust, big time. So don't wait for that to happen.

My situation is very good right now. My marriage is recovering. But it would have NOT recovered had the affair not been exposed. I would have been in perpetual agony trying to get over it myself. It would have been impossible, and even if I had, I would have had this terrible guilt on my conscience for the rest of my life. It would have been terribly isolating, I think.

So my advice to you would be to quit trying to handle this on your own. You have a wonderful husband from the way it sounds. He loves you, and I really think he would stand by you in this. So please, TELL him!!

Take care, and I'm here lurking most of the time, so call on me anytime.
1step

P.S.
I also think that by telling your H, it would make some decisions easier to make. Like the one about your current work situation.

[ July 25, 2002, 12:07 PM: Message edited by: 1stepatatime ]

Yep, they DO find out. Someone was nice enough to even send my husband letters <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> to inform him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> (and I had already confessed!)

AND, to his office at that..so that they were opened by someone else. I could hardly hold my head up for a time.

[ July 25, 2002, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: Susan ]

Susan,
I'm glad that you had already confessed by that time. But what an embarressment! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

No one told my H, he found some things in my purse and he started digging from there.

There really is no hiding. Makes you wonder how we could have been so stupid! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

1step

Susan and 1step - You both are so kind and your willingness to share your experiences is helping me tremendously.

Concerning the OM, if I did not have daily contact with him (if, for example, he had taken a job elsewhere), do you still feel that I couldn't handle this on my own? I really think I could, because as I said before, I'm not sure it is even HIM that I am missing, just the ego-stroking and interest from someone other than my husband. Along the same lines, why is it that even though I know I can stop all this craziness, I still feel jealous when he flirts with someone else - and he is a very big flirt. (Another problem/another story!)

Some posters have said that I am copping out when I say that I don't want to hurt my H, don't want him to have to worry everyday when I leave for work that I might be doing something behind his back. I am NOT, as was implied, trying to have my cake and eat it too. I am very hesitant about telling my H and ruining what we've shared over the past 16 years. I truly feel it best that he not know and that I make the decision to end the A once and for all.

As I said before, it is already feeling easier to do. He has nothing positive to offer me...he has a lot of issues that he will have to deal with at some point and an unhappy life that I am only now realizing that I can't help and am probably hurting more by continuing the A.

Sorry to ramble, it is just so ridiculous how I let this whole thing get started. I hate myself for what I've allowed to happen and am adamant that I will do everything in my power to make it up to my H. My OM has taken 7 months of my attention away from my H and he deserves better. I am going to work everyday to erase any doubts my H might be feeling. And if that means telling him at some point, I'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Susan, thanks for your help...

Could I ask a question here? Why do you really want to handle it on your own? Why are you opposed to counseling?

I think that pain and hurt can sometimes unleash a tiger within us. It is our way of defense. I didn't want to tell my husband because I was afraid and did not know if I could handle his pain and anger. I didn't want to mess with the tiger! (LOL...my husband is the most laid back, easy going guy you would ever meet...)

It seemed a whole lot easier to try and stop the affair and fix the marriage on my own....and don't stir that pot!

I would like to know the answer to my question, then I will try and continue.

Because if I go to a counselor by myself, he/she is going to tell me that I need to share it all with my husband, if I am going to heal. And if I tell my husband I think we should see a counselor, he is going to ask why and then I'll have to tell. I know, I know, that's the point, I should tell my husband and let him help me get through this. I just don't think he can/will - I think I'd be making things worse, not better.

Susan, this is scary - you are ME! My husband is also very laid back...but he would also NEVER do to me what I have done to him.

Yup, and it may SEEM worse for a while. But, sometimes that is the only way it can get better. Like a bad cut, filled with trash...when you clean it...it burns and stings like hell... but, if you leave all of the dirt in there, it could just become infected.

Some of the things you say...for instance...

<blockquote>quote:<hr />I'm not sure it is even HIM that I am missing, just the ego-stroking and interest from someone other than my husband. Along the same lines, why is it that even though I know I can stop all this craziness, I still feel jealous when he flirts with someone else - and he is a very big flirt. <hr /></blockquote>Don't you want to know what it is about you? WHY you feel this way or what it is you are needing?

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> I hate myself for what I've allowed to happen and am adamant that I will do everything in my power to make it up to my H. <hr /></blockquote> <blockquote>quote:<hr />I am going to work everyday to erase any doubts my H might be feeling. <hr /></blockquote>A counselor can help you will all of this. It makes it so much easier with someone to give you a plan and help you dig deep within yourself and find YOU.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />I am NOT, as was implied, trying to have my cake and eat it too <hr /></blockquote>No, I wasn't either. Matter of fact, I just could NOT live that double life. I wanted something to change. But, it was like an addiction for me.

When the PAIN of staying the same became so great, I had to change. I had to do something different.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />My husband is also very laid back...but he would also NEVER do to me what I have done to him.<hr /></blockquote>This is something you can never know for sure, but believe me HE COULD!

Supposing he did...would you want to know? and if he were to tell you would you want him to confess and tell you immediately and ask for your support....

Or would you rather know down the line....years later...after the fact? How do you think that would affect you?

How would you feel if he said he didn't tell because he didn't want to hurt you? When we had the affair we hurt them whether we wanted to or not. Wouldn't you want the truth from him so that you could make your OWN decisions about how you wanted to handle it?

I'm not trying to convice you to tell. It may not even be time for you to tell yet.

But, school is about to start....And I remember when I worked with OM. I HATED weekends. I could not bear the thought of Friday. I anxiously waited until Monday...could not wait to go to work so that I could see him. ugh...what a way of life to live...

Don't let this be you...don't waste your time and energy on this man. He is not worth it and you deserve a better, happier life.

The best marriages are based on good communication, being able to be open and honest. A counselor can teach you how to communicate and how to listen. Don't cheat yourself out of the best marriage you can possibly have and just settle for a "good" one.

neverthought,
We can not tell you what to do. It is totally up to you. But I can tell you from my experience, during my affair I thought the same things you did. I thought I could eventually move on without ever telling H. (Although that never happened.)

But deep down in my heart, I knew that even if my affair was never disclosed and I eventually got over OM. There would be a part of me that my H would never know about. And I knew that in the long run it would destroy any feelings of exclusivity in our relationship. I would have constant knowledge of being unfaithful to my H for the rest of my life. So, even though H found out on his own about my affair, I think I would have eventually told him.

As it stands, even when my affair was discovered by him, I still lied. I did not admit that my affair had gone physical. H was being so forgiving and wonderful, but I STILL had this secret. It was eating me alive. So 2 weeks later, I revealed everything about the affair.

It was painful and set us back in recovery but, you know what? H told me later that he was glad that I came "clean". It helped to restore trust believe it or not.

But that is just my story. I'll tell you one thing though. The minute my affair was exposed, it killed it, big time!

By not telling your H, you run the risk of him finding out on his own, or through someone else. It may not happen, but think about it.

Hope this helps,
1step

Never,
I think 1step nailed it on the head..once the A is exposed, it loses ground faster than if it wasn't exposed (or confessed in your case).

Been lurking here a long time. Wondering why exposing the affair causes it to die? Any thoughts on that are appreciated.
Shell

Well, for one thing, being exposed causes you to have greater stress if you try to continue it.

It forces a choice, and if you choose your marriage you are accountable for you time and actions. And THE TRUTH ALWAYS COMES TO LIGHT.

The stress of trying to continue the affair usually takes it's toll either on the affair or on the marriage. You end up having to LIE to somebody, be it you spouse or A partner.

NT,

You know what you say about ending the affair and making it up to your H afterwards is an interesting comment. If people could routinely do this sort of thing, give up something like for their own and other's good, there would be no big deal in quiting smoking which is harmful and robs the family of the smokers presence far sooner than normal. There would be not diet centers, because the person would give up eating desserts and only eat "healthy" foods.

The fact is that most people cannot give up something that makes them feel good no matter how much they say they can, or will. Your progress while very good, is just that progress, but not ending the affair. You will very likely need some help.

You said somethings I thought I would reply to.
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Because if I go to a counselor by myself, he/she is going to tell me that I need to share it all with my husband, if I am going to heal. And if I tell my husband I think we should see a counselor, he is going to ask why and then I'll have to tell. I know, I know, that's the point, I should tell my husband and let him help me get through this. I just don't think he can/will - I think I'd be making things worse, not better. <hr /></blockquote>All of your arguements are really based on one thing. You do not trust your H, and you really have little respect for him. You are probably sitting there wondering how the heck did he get that out of that quote?

You don't think your H can or will help you get you through this, but you think OM could and did make you happy. You don't respect the your H's abilities and you are making disrespectful judgements about his strength, his dedication, and his love for you. It was these same judgment that very likely led you into the affair. It is those very same judgements that will lead to you growing to view your H as a weak, spineless man, with no real love for you. Why? Because you have already judged him, and found him wanting in the most basic of human characteristics.

You need to tell him so that he can show you what is in his heart. So that he can have a chance to refute what you believe him to be. If you don't, he will forever be in your mind a failed husband. Ironic isn't it? You fail your marriage, and you feel his is too weak to help. Further, you probably do and will resent him. How do I know, it has been seen many times here on this board. The WS NEVER gives the BS a chance to show and prove their love, so interestingly the BS is judged to be inferior.

Your statements indicate just such a judgement. I will point out to you, it is these judgements that will kill your marriage, not your affair.

I do hope you stop and think about this awhile.

God Bless,

JL

JL - I, in NO WAY, feel my husband is weak or spineless, nor do I feel that I am disrespecting him by not telling him. (I will admit that having an A showed disrespect, but not the fact that I am working on endin git on my own.) I am trying to figure this thing out on my own and spare him the pain of my thoughtless actions. I appreciate your post, but I have to say that you are way off base. What I don't want to do is disrupt my family - maybe I should have thought of that earlier, I know. But please don't assume that what you read into my post is accurate...it is not.

And one more thing...sure, OM made me happy for a while. Now I'm realizing at what expense my happiness came, so please understand that I am not as deep in the fog as you think I might be. (Famous last words...? I don't think so!!!) Could you please elaborate on your observations?

Susan - may I ask you a question...how long has it been since you ended your A?

NT,

I didn't say you thought your H was spineless, etc. I said you will come to think of him in that way. It will evolve. Why do I think that? I will repeat a portion of theprevious quote.
<blockquote>quote:<hr /> I should tell my husband and let him help me get through this. I just don't think he can/will - I think I'd be making things worse, not better. <hr /></blockquote>My observations are based on the bold part of the quote. In your mind you have already limited your H's abilities. You have already relagated him to being incompetent at helping you or dealing with this. I think it is a little presumptious on your part. Since you won't let him, he WILL NOT help you or strive to help you. He WILL NOT work on his failings and the reasons you felt that an affair was something you could do. He WILL NOT become a better H to you. And he WILL NEVER really know who he is married to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Of all the things that is the saddest. Because you will put up walls and those walls will protect more than just this secret. They will keep him out of many parts of you.

Consider your statements about not going to a counselor. You cannot do this although it may be good for you in a variety of issues, because it may clue him in. So he and you cannot deal or address other issues that counseling may help because you don't want him suspicious.

NT, can't you see, the Walls are already hurting you??? And by definition your M, and your H? He will be stuck with a W with issues, because she cannot afford to get help because it may raise suspicions. This whole thing does become insidious NT. It really does.

I know you are not ready, but please don't delude yourself into thinking that not telling won't hurt you and your H it will and probably more than you can realize.

I do apologize if you felt like I was attacking you. It was not my intention. This is after all your life not mine. But, what you may not appreciate NT, is that I and I think others here, don't care so much that your H is happy, but that you are happy. We know that if you can become happy your H's life will improve significantly. It is YOU that I am worried about, not your H.

Please do think about this. Actually, I realize that is a dumb statement, of course you are thinking about this or you wouldn't be posting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I guess what I am saying is reflect more on this and give it time.

God Bless,

JL

I ended the PA in early 2000....but it continued as an EA, or trying to maintain a friendship, or whatever you want to call it. I finally quit my job in August of 2000.

So, it has been 2 years of NO CONTACT at all.

I/we were in therapy until approximately a year ago.

Please read what JL has said...and then go back and read it again...and then go back and read it one more time.

I think there is a lot of truth in what he is trying to point out, but on the surface, I am sure it is easy to think that what he says is just nonsense.

He is a very wise man and has been around a long time. And you see from when I registered on the board that "it was A Long Time Ago!" He held my hand and coached me along every step of the way during my turmoil. I respect what he says and listen up when he speaks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> (waving now to JL). I advise you to do the same.

Another reason I think therapy is very helpful... I sense that you are quick to take defense or think that we don't understand. A counselor can help you explore all of this and dig deep within yourself without feeling threatened. They can guide you along and help you look at and see things from different points of view.

And, sweetie, we'll be more than happy to help and pull you along in any way we can. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Our only purpose in being here is to HELP!

[ July 25, 2002, 09:31 PM: Message edited by: Susan ]

Dear Never ...
Just Learning's comments to you are absolutely correct ... and very pro marriage recovery. I think you do not yet have a strong grasp of the marriage builder concepts. Please read the MB concepts again ... and re-read JL's posts to you several times ... We all want to help your marriage survive ... and THRIVE. And, most of us have experience with doing this after an affair.

Please re-read these things.

Take care ...

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

PS ... Isn't Susan just the best !!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hello never,

Well, I don't think you realize this, but you have two of the greatest MB'ers writing to you in this thread: JL and Susan. They have both been around as long or longer than I have, and they both know their stuff! Listen to them!

I hardly write anymore, but your thread touched my heart.

My affair effectively ended my marriage. My story is very long and very convoluted, but let's see if I can give you a ~ short version~ My ex-H was a serial cheater, but I loved him and lived with it. He did try to get better and was a good husband sometimes. He was abusive, but it didn't seem like it to me. He pulled my hair, pushed me, that kind of thing. I was married for 18 years when I did the unthinkable: had an affair with a man I worked with. I slept with the OM once only. I wanted to die. My (then)H decided that he couldn't handle my cheating and began some new affairs. I filed for divorce, and before it was final, met a new man. I'm married to that man now. He is a beautiful man and a wonderful husband, but it was so wrong to do things as we did. I live with the reprocussions of that choice now.

I hope that explains some of what I am going to say to you.

Never,

My mother is a psychotherapist, and she has told me that it was a mistake to tell my ex about my affair. After all, it was one roll in the hay, right? Problem was (and is) that by not telling, you essentially are saying that you know how your spouse will act. You don't know. Nobody knows until it happens. My ex acted horribly, but do I wish I hadn't told him? No. Why? Because a person of integrity MAKES THINGS RIGHT with honesty. Yep, he'll be hurt. You can COUNT ON THAT. Yes, he'll be pissed. Wouldn't you be? Yes, he'll FINALLY know that there's a problem SO BIG in your marriage, and HE is a part of that problem. He will change how he does some things. So will you.

But when you don't tell, you don't give him the chance to change.

About working with your OM. This is the HEIGHT of cruelty. You don't realize it now, but you will one day. YOU CAN'T WORK WITH THE OP AND MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE WORK. My opinion. Let me tell you how it ended on the last day of contact with the OM for me.

I was divorced, and getting ready to move to be with my (now)H. The affair had been over for 18 months, and I saw the OM for 40 hours a week throughout that time. He kept promising to leave me alone, but there was always little "somethings" -- stolen glances, or more overt things that he and I understood. You know what I mean. On the last day of work, he helped me carry out some boxes to my car (wasn't he helpful? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ).. and here's what he said:

I have always loved you
I love you now
I will always love you

See, I remember. AND IT MAKES ME SICK. What an effing pig to say that to me!! What the hell was this man thinking? I'm divorced, partly because of him and our "love" and now I'm leaving to be with my new HUSBAND... and he's saying this? WHAT A PIG!

Now, I'm sure you aren't to that point in your thinking... and even that day, when OM said that to me... I was like... ah, gosh, you really feel that way?... how, um.. nice, I guess? I wasn't convinced that he was anything but a *nice* guy, trying to be kind on my last day there. NO CONTACT has pulled my head firmly out of my hiney to see this man for who he truly was: an opporutnistic prig.

Trust me never... you will NEVER know how it can be until you come clean with your H, and see the OM for who he truly is... and that can't happen without NO CONTACT.

Please listen... because your life truly cannot be one of integrity without it.

Best wishes as you rebuild your marriage...

I could be wrong...I could be way, way off...but, I think I have been there and I think I know what you could really be feeling.

You want to END IT with the OM. You want to devote your energies to your marriage and your husband. It is clear in your head. But, is it possible that in your heart, you are just NOT there YET? There is a part of you that is scared of letting go of the OM? Are you afraid of that?

I know I was for a while. I am thinking and sense from what I am reading that you are still at that point. Possibly the pain has not become great enough that you are ready to make the FULL change yet.

And you know...it is your life. Whatever you decided to do, it is really no sweat off our back. It won't really make any difference to us in the long run. We only sit here typing for hours hoping that we can spare someone else some of the pain we have already experienced or help you find the joy that we have found in a healthy marriage.

Even if you NEVER tell your husband, I still feel that counseling could be critical for YOU. It would provide deep insight for you in knowing what is deep within you and why you needed this affirmation from another man. Do you depend on feedback from others to make you happy? Can you be happy and content with yourself, regardless of ANYTHING else? You cannot imagine the world of help it can provide until you have tried it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

God bless!

[ July 26, 2002, 07:46 AM: Message edited by: Susan ]

Hey Never,
I just wanted to say that JL has posted to me and I have had much the same INITIAL reaction as you did. Then, I have gone off and thought and thought and thought some more and come to the conclusion that what he says makes absolute sense and is the truth.
I can't express to you how clearly he sees this issue and if you will think about it, you will see what I mean.
Hope you are doing well.

Just Learning,
You post was very enlightening. In my case, I don't feel my husband has any respect or confidence in me. We have been married for 27 years and he still calls me if I have to drive 50 miles away to see if I got there in one piece.(I am the BS) I think he sees me as a weak person. I am not that at all. After 3 or 4 known A's of his, I have survived and I feel each time I have grown from them...(YUK). He obviously hasn't or he wouldn't keep doing it. But here is my question:

How do I change his image of me as that weak, helpless person? I want him to be able to tell me the things he told OW; his disappointments, his dreams. I can handle the good and the bad. I think I show that by still being married to him.

Thanks.

NT,
I can't tell you how much good advice you are getting. I hope that you take some of it into consideration.

I can tell you this. Since my H found out about my affair. (Not the best way to go about it.) But since he knows, we have BOTH worked TOGETHER on rebuilding AND improving our marriage. The progress that we have made would not have come about it we weren't in this together. In some respects we are much stronger than we have ever been.

Again, I will tell you this is your decision. But take it from us. Most of us have been in your shoes. And if you have read on this website about how to end an affair you know that you should tell him. Here is the link if you haven't read it. How affairs should end

Most of us here will tell you to do no less. I understand how your are feeling though. I was afraid to tell because I was afraid of loosing my husband. Plain and simple. I was taught that affairs were the end of a marriage.

But I found out differently. And I think that you might too. It's a mess right now, and you are the one responsible for making it. But messes can be cleaned up, believe me.

I hope this helps,
1step

I haven't abandoned ship - just no time to write today. Thank you so much for all of your insight and advice. I am reading and thinking and will write more tomorrow...I appreciate your help more than you know!

I'm off with a friend this morning to a little antique shop in a nearby town...but, I wanted to leave you with food for thought.

Ponder this:
The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you MAD!

I'll be back! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

[ July 27, 2002, 07:45 AM: Message edited by: Susan ]

Yesterday was tough and I don't know why. I just really felt myself slipping, wanting to email, thinking about OM a lot. When my husband got home from work, I picked at him and caused us to have a spat. We made up this morning, but I know why I did it...because I was caught up again in those feelings and fantasies.

Today has been great. I've stayed busy and have had stray thoughts of OM, but they are manageable and under control. I think I'm getting stronger...believe me, I've been reading post after post here, gaining strength and resolve to do what is right.

Just a side note...do any women feel that this roller coaster has anything to do with their menstrual cycle? I was good up until yesterday, now I'm PMSing like crazy! (Sorry guys, may be more info than you need or want to know!)

I always related it more to the relationship with the OM than PMS. I told him I made him happier at home. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

For example, before a weekend I was grumpy. But, once Monday came or I was able to see OM, or talk to him and get my fix, I was happier too. It was easier to be *nicer* to my husband. When I was sad or missing him, I staged disagreements with my husband. This way in my mind I could justify WHY I was in love with OM and not my husband. Heck, during that time, EVERYTHING my poor husband did bothered me. It even bothered me the way he would chew his food!!!

Now, I know it was all related to the addiction. I had a disease. I was sick. Once I got it all in proper perspective, my husband is really a great guy (and his eating habits are perfectly normal.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) It is amazing, not much of anything rubs me wrong the way it did during the affair.

It is much easier to see in hindsight than in the present.

[ July 27, 2002, 01:59 PM: Message edited by: Susan ]

"It even bothered me the way he would chew his food." ..... Oh Susan ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Remember the scene in "Enchanted April", the one where Lolly is watching her H chew his dinner and you can tell it bothers her ... LOL

We women ... we are really hard to please! LOL!

Pepper

Susan,
That is funny about the food chewing thing. But it is sooo true! I went through the same thing! LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It's amazing how things have changed. Now that nothing is hidden anymore, (the affair), we have learned how to meet each others EN's. And it seems to come effortlessly. It is wonderful! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

1step

mad about him,

I really cannot address if he thinks you are weak. I guess I would tell him just what you posted here. You can handle it and have handled worse. It is time for him to open up.

Now about you going on a short trip and him worrying about you. I just have to answer that one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am a decade older than you and your H, I have spent my whole life traveling by car, plane, you name it. Have visited and worked in many places in the world. I love to drive and to me that is vacation. My W is in her 50's. Drives 20,000+ miles a year just hauling kids around (ours are younger, but we are now down to just one in HS, I am a slow learner. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

She is a very good driver, probably as good as I and has never had a ticket. I have had one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . She is extremely competent, and if I vanished today, she could carry on very well without me. I don't think she worries on bit when I travel. BUT, if she and one of our children are going somewhere (soccer tournament, basketball tournament, football game, or visiting one of our children in college) I WORRY ABOUT HER. It may be age, but I worry about losing her much more than I think she worries about losing me. I always have. Yet, I was a batchelor until my 30's and can really do fine on my own.

You explain that to me, and I will explain to you why your H worries about you. I don't think it is because he thinks you are weak. I guess it is just us guys worrying about these things. We also know that we are not subject to the sort of attacks and other things that women can be. THe world is not an equal place and it never will be.

So, I would suggest that you take his concern for you more from the stand point of his concern, than YOUR WEAKNESS. I somehow doubt that is the case.

Oh, one more thing. It has been observed on this site many times that the WS often distrusts the BS more than the BS distrusts the WS. It is strange, but it seems to be so. Perhaps his checking is abit of that as well. One thing seems clear, inspite of his various failures, he obviously still cares about you.

Talk with him about this and tell him what you told us. You just might start a breakthrough.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Susan, old friend, it is good to see you back on here again. It is good to hear that you are doing so well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

NB, what have you been up to? You have been very quiet lately. Send email if you want to talk.

I want to thank everyone who has posted to me with support and advice. I've fallen behind on keeping up with the responses, but am so thankful for your help.

Wiffle - You are so right - I AM like a two year old who wants what I want. But...as I've read and read some more, I'm realizing that what I really want is a marriage that is as exciting as the A - and from what I've read, that is possible? My H is sooooo much better in all respects than the OM - I'm only beginning to open my eyes to it now. I can't believe I fell for his lines!
I am such a fool, needy and stupid.

Susan - Everything you write is so RIGHT, I know it is...it is just so hard to admit this horrible mistake to my H. And the thing that makes me the maddest is that I don't WANT to have to leave my school. I've been there over 13 years and love the staff, the community, the kids. OM, who has a child in the school, by the way, never really planned on coming back this year - and now says he'll be there for only a couple of years, until he finishes training for another career position. Does my foolishness in allowing myself to enter into this A mean that I have to lose the career I love? Is that the price I have to pay? You wouldn't believe how much that hurt, but also how mad that makes me at OM...helpful in breaking this cycle, though.

new_beginning - I must be moving into a new phase, because what you wrote describes my feelings right now...I am so angry at him and myself for keeping up the little looks, significant touches, emails, etc. As I tried to let go, he continued to play me and I continued to fall for it. I am so mad at myself, disgusted by myself, and wondering howi n the h*%% I am going to make it through this schoolyear. I'm seeing him for what he really is - a manipulator, possible sex-addict who uses women for his own pleasure. How could I fall for that?

1-step - I am so afraid that this stupid A WILL be the end of my marriage. And I know I've been told that I am not giving my H enough credit, nor the choice to decide whether he wants to stay with a foolish WS...my H will not turn violent, he will not threaten to take the kids away, he will not rant and rave and call me names. It will be the terrible hurt that I see in his eyes and the insecurity that I cause him to feel that could be the death of our M. I'm not ready to risk that yet...but I know it is the right thing to do and the only way to get through this whole.

Tomorrow will be interesting - I have to go in to school and I know he will be working. Right now the thought of him trying to act like everything is the same and will continue as before makes me ill. It is time for me to step up and let him know in no uncertain terms that I am very uncomfortable about us working together again this year. (I sound strong and resolute now, don't I??!! Plese pray for me to stay that way tomorrow.)

Well, just you remember, you have to come back and give us an update. And we don't want to hear any of that "I slipped" stuff.

You CAN do this. You can be strong.

I suggest you don't take too long trying to EXPLAIN to him why it will not work or why you should end your relationship. I spent way to much time trying to end it and then too much time voicing my ANGER to him for his part in creating the affair. And they NEVER do get it. It just prolongs contact. They don't understand, they are just seeking their own selfish desires. (If you need further proof, think about the fact that regardless of what he says about how he feels about you, he is making no efforts to leave his marriage for you and if you made real noises about leaving your husband for HIM, he would probably RUN the other way.)

So, HOW LONG can you continue to live like this? Sometime you have got to GET YOUR LIFE BACK and without him.

Just nip it in the bud QUICKLY and RUN and NEVER look back.

[ July 29, 2002, 09:53 PM: Message edited by: Susan ]

And one more thing. Yes, I'll pray. I give you my word on that.

Good luck and God bless!
~Susan