what a mess, need advice - 11/15/05 04:01 AM
I will try to keep this short, about 9yrs ago I had an affair W found out, eventually I came back to work it out but nothing really got solved & in her mind I never really tried to make it up to her, like every problem we had it just wisent talked about, we never really learned to communicate & fix things. A while ago The W decided she was not in love with me any mare & started to have an affair with a friend & they supposedly fell in love & were talking about a life together. (He is married also) As crazy as it may seem I still Love the wife we have been together for 18 years, I wasn’t happy either & before the I found out about the affair I was trying to find a way to fix things but didn’t now how to go about it.
I found out about the affair about three weeks ago & gave them a choice they could continue the relationship & I would walk away get A d & leave them be but they had to tell his wife, it wasn’t fair to her. The other choice was for them to go there separate ways & the wife & I would see where things went from there; they chose the second option (he chose it I should say). The affair has ended I am convinced of that.
Here’s my problem the W says she will stay to try & work it out but is confused about her feelings. 1st the other man she fell in love with abandoned her, (she now knows it would have never worked) The husband she wrote off & thought did not lover her does, Which makes her feel worse for the affair, I have read some of the articles & in my option she is in the withdraw phase, I cant get her to counseling right now because of her state of mind & she is getting depressed. I have tried not to pressure her in way other than to show her that I care & still love her. I am not concerned about the affair just the reason it got to that. I know we can’t start really trying to put things back together until she moves on & stops feeling sorry for her I need some advice on getting to that point, I am giving everything emotionally right now & getting nothing in return. As my counselor stated just is the good news of her day, put your feelings temporally on hold & things will get better & she will come around to working on the marriage
Does any one have any thoughts or suggestions?
One other thing she has not told her family or anyone else about the affair & has no support except from me, I think she need some other support but she refuses the other thing that complicates thing is she started a new job today & has a lot of anxiety over that. Thanks in advance for your input.
Cliff in Ca
I found out about the affair about three weeks ago & gave them a choice they could continue the relationship & I would walk away get A d & leave them be but they had to tell his wife, it wasn’t fair to her. The other choice was for them to go there separate ways & the wife & I would see where things went from there; they chose the second option (he chose it I should say). The affair has ended I am convinced of that.
Here’s my problem the W says she will stay to try & work it out but is confused about her feelings. 1st the other man she fell in love with abandoned her, (she now knows it would have never worked) The husband she wrote off & thought did not lover her does, Which makes her feel worse for the affair, I have read some of the articles & in my option she is in the withdraw phase, I cant get her to counseling right now because of her state of mind & she is getting depressed. I have tried not to pressure her in way other than to show her that I care & still love her. I am not concerned about the affair just the reason it got to that. I know we can’t start really trying to put things back together until she moves on & stops feeling sorry for her I need some advice on getting to that point, I am giving everything emotionally right now & getting nothing in return. As my counselor stated just is the good news of her day, put your feelings temporally on hold & things will get better & she will come around to working on the marriage
Does any one have any thoughts or suggestions?
One other thing she has not told her family or anyone else about the affair & has no support except from me, I think she need some other support but she refuses the other thing that complicates thing is she started a new job today & has a lot of anxiety over that. Thanks in advance for your input.
Cliff in Ca