I need advice. Just found out about a sexual encounter between my H and woman he worked with. He confessed, said he couldn't stand the guilt anymore. We had been married 9 years with two kids at that point. He was always devoted to me. It happened almost 3 years ago. He works at a shop, and was working late on a car. He was alone. She had come on to him in the past, but he thought it was harmless. She snuck in under an open bay door, he didn't see her until she was on top of him (he was laying in the back of the car working on the sunroof). He said it felt like an attack. Although he admits he must have participated for things to turn out the way they did, he says he cannot remember the actual act, except that he knows he stopped at some point during and ran away. While he was in the bathroom, she left. He was distraught, was physically sick after. Says that he told her the very next day it would NEVER happen again, and although she tried, it did not. I believe him. He went through a phase where he was drinking a lot (I remember this but of course didn't know why). He says he's spent the last few years convincing himself it didn't happen. We are in counseling. Counselor says that it could have been rape. As in, you get him to the point where he can't stop. ?? I just don't know. I am so hurt and sad. So is he. He says he would die to make it have never happened. We want to stay married, but I can't get over this. How?

Feel like I didn't tell the whole story. He continued working with her every day until the day he told me. I confronted her (I know, bad idea) and she quit. We had been friends, she knew my kids, we knew her husband. Yes, she is married. I have known that she cheats, but never thought my H would be one of her conquests. He is sorry for everything, but I don't understand how he could continue to work with her every day like nothing happened. He says he just didn't think about it, he blocked it out. Except when she would bring it up. Then he would just glare at her and walk away. Last night he told me that because of what happened, he must have wanted it. He was told by the counselor that he hasn't faced what happened, and he has to face it, accept it and then move on. He said he was trying to do that, although in his mind and heart he says he can't feel anything but pain, anger and disgust. He says he feels like he's lying when he says he wanted it. Did admit that the whole situation is like a guy's best fantasy, but says he wished from the moment it happened that it had been me. Says he never wanted to be with her. Is it possible that he really doesn't remember it?

He says he was always devoted to me, and never had any intention of cheating. I believe this. No one would ever expect this from him. He didn't set it up, didn't know she was coming, and says the pain he feels is so bad he could die. This is not the kind of person he is, or is it?

I do believe we can try to block a painful memory from our mind. Its a trick we play with ourselves.. like when you loss someone close to you. You dont "think" they are gone, just on vacation.

I would stick with the counseling, it seems to help. It may help him get over what he is going through. Are you doing the rebuilding now? the emotional needs?

Well, the cheaters seldom confess. Even when they are caught redhanded, they deny it. So I have a lot of hope that your husband DOES feel bad, and knows it was a mistake. If I were you I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

And it IS like rape. She sounds like a predator, and I would notify her husband.

Thanks to you both for responding. Our communication is better than it ever was, and we are really being honest with each other about our feelings and what we need. He is willing to do wahtever it takes to make this right. I have watched him throw up when we have to talk about what happened in counseling. Looking back, this woman preyed on him. He is determined to never be in a situation like that again, however, he is confident that if he ever is he will GET OUT of there.

I am staying in the marriage, so I am going to do my best to let it go. My H and I have both lost a significant amount of weight (me 30 lbs, him 35lbs) since he confessed, and it isn't healthy. Have to move on. However, he knows that I will be guarding my heart, maybe forever, and that he isn't my hero anymore. So sad.

You need to take your time, and remain open to the possibility that he CAN be your hero again. No one wants to live under the shadow of a mistake the rest of their life. It takes about 2 years to feel normal again. I hope you will keep reading and posting here. You want to end up with a marriage that is BETTER than before.