Wife of 15 years had affair, said it was phone calls and a kiss. Later (4months) told me she had sex with guy, then drove home, cleaned up a little (no shower, just a quick wipe) then had me give her oral sex. I feel like I was raped !I am sick, feel like I was humiliated, she says she just felt bad and wanted to be close to me, too close. I am sick, she cheated then had me to do this, it's like he was in my bed and in my mouth, I am really hurting over all of this, the sex and the humiliation is killing me. Is this common? What can I do to deal with this, I am in house with her but we have legal separation agreement. She says she loves me, but did keep calling this guy for two weeks AFTER I confronted her. Any help would be nice.javascript:void(0)
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I understand what you mean by feeling like you were raped. I have felt the same way with hubby. I had asked him if he was with someone else earlier all I wanted him to do was put a condom on. I didn't care about the other woman, I just wanted him to be decent enough to do this one thing for me. But he didn't, swore up and down that he hadn't been with anyone else. And when I found out otherwise, I was sick to my stomach for days. I had never felt so gross and disgusted in my entire life. I don't know if the feeling is normal or if it can be expected. But I do know how you're feeling because I have been there myself. Either we're two peas in a pod or it really is quite common.

I think the best first step is to find out if your marriage is one you can save. I for one do love my husband. And I can't imagine ever being with anyone else or ever giving myself to another man. But, on the other hand, there are things in a relationship that I want that I don't think I could ever get from him. I need to decide if I can live with that. And if I can't live without what I need then I need to move on.

He had an affair for a reason. Obviously I failed to provide him with something he needs and he wants. If I can't give that to him then I know these affairs will just continue.

Find out what was missing from your relationship and if, together, that missing piece can be found. If not, then you'll know what to do.

Good luck!

Thanks for the post! I was hoping that a number of both men and women would post some ideas and information as I am totally grossed out by this, and I feel sure that I got a U.T. infection from this contact as well. ( Wife put me on super antibiotics a few days later when I had trouble with burning while using the restroom). Had STD test 3 .5 months later after she told me about sex, everything came back clean, but Dr. said that the meds she gave me would have killed any infection related to U.T. I have tried counseling, church, friends and family but none really even want to address this gross/sick feeling I have. As a heterosexual man, the next to last thing you would want to come in contact with is semen, the last thing is semen from the man that just had sex with your wife in a public park. She claims that she was not thinking about this exposer when she had sex with me, HOW in the world could she not be thinking about what she had just done. I want answers from her as to if (a) she really was thinking about it and just had sex with me anyway or (b) is so irresponsible with my body (and hers of course) that she used me to make herself feel better about what she had just done. Both (a)&(b) are disturbing.

you have every right to feel violated. however in regards to wanting answers, wayward spouses aren't always thinking clearly and definately not caring for your feelings. if you want to save your marriage, you should read surviving an affair and learn how to view affairs and what needs to be done to save your marriage. your feelings are natural. they will fade some over time especially if you are able to reconcile with your wife and she works hard at your marriage. my wife and i met in high school and were exclusive until her first affair. i have a hard time getting over those mental images and now that i really want to, it's too late. so if you want to save your marriage, you gotta put some work into it so get reading.

Took the feelings right out of my heart!!! That's exactly how I felt too. Was he with me because he wanted to be with me or wanted to be reminded of his time with her? Or was it because being with me would make what he had done with her okay??

I don't think 'disturbing' is fitting though. Not for me. I don't know that any word can describe how that makes me feel.

allovercarolina - there are two terms that come to mind that might be "closer" to the feeling you are attempting to descibe.

Revulsion.

Anathema.

Those are terms that are associated with God's view of sin, and since you mentioned church, I assume that faith in God plays at least some part in your life. As such, let me ask you if you and your wife are born-again believers, or just how faith plays a part in your lives?

"Healing" begins with God for believers, hence my question to you.


God bless.

Her plan was to make you so repulsed by the thought, that you would leave her and make it easy on her to continue her adultery.

After I read this, I thought for a few minutes what if it wasn't a bacterial infection but a viral one...

Your post upset me a great deal that someone would risk both of your lies so callously.

That is a betrayal most foul. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I know shes your wife, but I feel like she took a revolver, pointed it at your head and start playing roulette.

Sorry I don't have anything constructive to say, I'm still shocked and this is the best i could muster.

RMX

Allovercarolina,
That story is positively revolting. I cannot believe she would do that to you. I don't even know what to say, every reason I can think is just terrible. Your health is less important to her than her guilt or her amusement, depending on her motives.

As another poster suggested, she may have just told you out of enmity or to force you to be the one to file for divorce. If my wife had done that, I think I would just giver her what she wants, because its not worth sacrificing my happiness just to prove a point.

Best of luck to you. I hope you figure out whats best for YOU.

This post has hit very hard with me. My H and I are 15 months into recovery and the exact same thing happened with us.

One night during his affair, I gave my H oral sex. I could taste the other woman all over him and at the time ( I was oblivious to what was going on) thought to myself "He tastes like he just had sex w someone!!)

In any event, my H LET me do this. He had unprotected sex with the OW that afternoon, and LET me do this at night, with no shower in between.

I dont know how to answer your question on how you get over this. My H and I have been in couseling w Steve Harley, which has helped tremendously. However- every single time I think about this - I quickly go to a VERY dark place where I just want nothing to do with this anymore. It is incomprehnsible to me . My H has told me had allowed it because he "didnt want any conflict or have to explain why he was turning me down" That is the most disturbing answer I could imagine.

It is important that your W listens to your pain, and hears how badly she has hurt you, and understands what this apecific action did to you. They tell me it gets better with time. We shall see

I have to agree with Pariah. Also, what has your wife done lately to make you believe she is telling you the truth? Is she such an upstanding citizen that you will believe anything that comes out of her mouth?

I would wager a guess that she told you this during an argument, or at least way before the affair was over.

And if she did do this, and went ahead and told you about it to hurt you, I would reconsider staying with her. She needs help.

Thanks, these post help! I am told by W. that she was not thinking about what she had just done 2 hours ago when we had sex. She does suffer from Post Thematic Stress Disorder (PTSD), our therapist says that folks who have this (her case, severe childhood sexual abuse) blank out bad thoughts and go to whatever comforts them in times of remorse or stress. The reason that she was even talking to this fool is that he identified her pain, and knew her from teen years, and took advantage of this. She has always been a great person, I feel 100% sure that she has never done anything like this. She talked secretly on phone for about 10 days, met him she says to talk in person (only meeting) and they made out. She says that the attention made her feel good, before she knew it, she was having sex. Claims that she did not get anything out of it. Then as I said, she came home, 2 hours later we had sex. I found out next morning (look at the cell phone!!) Got a friend to call number, got his name, confronted her and she lied, said they only kissed once, she got scared and left. She kept calling him for about two weeks, I spoke to him a few times myself, he was real rude. I can have him and her charged with a felony for having sex in a public park, I do not intend on doing so. I would like to run into him (he told me if I needed someone to talk to he would try to help me!!) I tape recorded both of them telling me about the affair, I can do about whatever, she gave me legal custody of children, several homes and all of the money we have except her 401K. I am moving into a house I bought Tuesday, this will be the 4th time we have lived apart in 4 months, but this time I am going to be gone longer than a week like the other times she or I moved out. I have not been able to work, lost a family member during this period and about all of my savings. I did reconnect with God, that is the ONLY good thing to come out of it. And I would not be telling the truth if I did not say that I have had affairs in the past, after all this I told her everything. Most people will say (she just got you back), I agree. I am just stuck in such pain for what she did to me that night (something I NEVER done to her).

Allovercarolina - your wife has been emailing me. Perhaps you would like to email me and I'll see if I can help you ok? My address is in my profile.

The EXACT same thing happened to me. When I found out I couldnt believe anyone, especially my own wife would ever let something like that happen. I really just cant understand what my W was thinking. Was it a turn on for her? If so, I just dont know what to say about it. Her A has caused so much of this kind of stuff. This one I'm sure will be with me forever though.

2LLP

Post deleted by MarriedForever

allovercarolina,

It has been a while since you have posted and I hope you are still lurking. I also hope you will post some more.

Like BK, I too have gotten an email from your wife asking for help. I am reluctant to email her routinely without you being involved in the process. If you read this, please email me (addy in profile) and I will do what I can to help you both.

FWIW, your wife seems sincere in wanting your marriage to be restored and it might be possible if you both are willing to work at it.

Mark

Mark - you should read his other posts too - he's had a few affairs himself but that "isn't the same"

BK, I've read all of allovercarolina's posts (all 10 of them), but I must have missed this bit of information. Since it is a key point, could your point me to the post you are referring to about his having had a "few affairs?"

Edited to add:

Nevermind, BK, I found the reference buried near the end of his post on this thread;

"And I would not be telling the truth if I did not say that I have had affairs in the past, after all this I told her everything. Most people will say (she just got you back), I agree."

Thanks.

allovercarolina, indeed?

What exactly does "reconnect" with God mean to you, since you bring it up as the only "good thing" to come out this mess?




Granted, but since you've reconnected with God you MUST know that adultery itself, not just the acts connected with adultery, is so bad in God's eyes that marital unfaithfulness constitutes the ONLY reason that God grants us, as believers, to divorce, and that God grants that right ONLY to the Faithful Spouse.

So you have two sinners in your marriage, both having violated the 7th commandment of God. Which is "worse," the sin against Holy God or the sin against you? Notice I did NOT say that sin does not entail real pain and anguish, I am asking a question that involves being able, or unable to forgive a heinous sin and REBUILD with God as an integral part of, and partner to, your marriage. Suffice it to say that your marriage, if thought of in terms of clay on a Potter's Wheel, has been found to be flawed. God, as the Master Potter, can mash it down and remove the flaws and rebuild it into a vessel worthy of His service. Is that what you want? Is that what you are really asking for?

You're a better man than me if you can stick it out. That was one of my questions for WS. I don't think I could have forgiven her giving oral to another man especially since I rarely got it to begin with. Plus she kisses me and the kids with that mouth, it's making my stomach turn thinking about it. No advice, just venting with ya.

Foreverhers,

Thank you for the response to the other posts. Hi I am the wife of allovercarolina. I do thank you for your biblical advise and I do hope that my BH reads this. Yes I am willing to do whatever I can to put my marriage back together. My BH is going through allot of pain because of what I did. Yes he did some things that I would have never thought that he would ever do, just like he would have never thought that I would do what I did. He, I hope, is trying to get closer to GOD just as I am. I have forgiven him for all of his mistakes. I do hope that he forgives me just as well.
As I said, I do thank you for your post and just like Mark said I am trying just as hard as I can. I do hope that he reads all of the posts that are recent. I would like for all of you to know that I do not want any WBH bashing. I do appreciate all of the suggestions that I got from Mark and BK. If there is anything else that I can help explain please just let me know.
As I said before here, to Mark, and BK, I love my husband very much. He is everything to me even though I messed up. I only pray that he does see that and gives me another chance.

thanks again,
needhelp2

You really do deserve a chance needhelp2. I really wish there were more WW's like you. Your husband doesn't know what he is discarding.

Did you phone Dr Harley on his radio program?

allovercarolina

I am a FWW like your wife, a former cheater like your wife ...... and YOU.
You see no matter what you try to explain or say, a cheater is a cheater is a cheater, until he or she stops and then also works on repairing themselves and their marriage, AND makes restitution to the person they hurt. The restitution can be things like sincere apologies in words AND actions, openness in all you each do and where you go alone, even during work and things like kids sports etc. Its your WHOLE life that must be open.
I suspect your M continued to deteriorate because both of you had not really dealt with your multiple cheating, your M therefore got worse and worse until your wife also wrongly chose to have an affair.

You have to deeply understand and accept that THERE ARE NO EXCUSES for either of you having affairs. NOTHING you did or say is better than or worse than what each other has done to each other. NOTHING!!

allovercarolina, I suspect much of your horror is the feeling that if you accept and forgive the particular action of your FWW its giving quiet approval for such a terrible thing to have been done to you, and that it also has intimations of homosexual actions which makes it even worse for you. I'm not saying that those feelings are not justified either, however, I would suspect deep down your wife also has very deep seated abhorrent feelings of when you came home to her after one of your OW. Don't think for a moment that a shower or for that matter sterilisation in a pool of disinfectant for a month makes ANY partner feel different, they just don't!!! Ask my husband that one!! You see what you did to your wife is not any different. To argue that your committing adultery was not as bad as your wife's is simply sophistry. If you have truly found God again in all this pain, then you will know the fallacy of that argument.

Yes I do feel you sincerely need assistance to get over the particular sex act that occurred because for you its a very real issue and problem, I admit it would be for me as well, as a woman and a person, but worse than a different but equally wrong act in these circumstances??? hard to accept that. Until you do get that help and work through it with some real professional help you are most likely unable to make a balanced life altering decision. So don't make that decision now, get help, find out how to handle that episode.

You cannot repair your M until you have got a good start on fixing those things inside yourself which helped place your M into a place where BOTH of you CHOOSE to have affairs rather than working on issues together.

You both have a real chance to truly start over here, to learn to trust each other again, slowly build a trust in each other where you know you won't hurt each other again.
I will say one thing which is a fact, if you don't at least try, as much as your FWW seems to be trying ( BIGK is no softy on this stuff and not fooled by a pretend FWW who is really still a WW from all I have seen), then you will carry over ALL your problems in this M to any other relationship in the future, with your wife or someone new.

Give this one a real try, yes it will be bleeding hard, and it will hurt, but you are doing that now anyway.

Go for it allovercarolina and contact the Harley's for a start, get moving.

All the best to you both

AW

needhelp2 - We are all willing to try to help, but there really isn't much that we can do or offer if someone chooses not to post.

"Understanding" the hurt and pain caused by infidelity, and "understanding" the revulsion that your husband is feeling, is easy. We can all "sit around" and identify and empathize, but that accomplishes nothing in recovering from infidelity.

Recovery takes work, hard work, difficult work, stressful work, because the first "order of business" is to climb out of the emotional pit and begin to take the first steps to overcoming real events and real hurt and pain. In Christ, we are all overcomers.

For a believer, this is the "test." "Is my pain and hurt, as great as it is to me, greater than that felt by Jesus, who nevertheless, DID what the Father willed to be done SO THAT you and I could find out what real, true, forgiveness is and to begin a "new life" in Christ?"

The past is still there, we WERE "guilty," but we don't have to stay there or "live in the past."

"I CAN do all things through him (Christ) who gives me strength." Reconnect with God? God never stopped being connected to a believer. But we have often CHOSEN to not take His hand and walk WITH Him. That's what being a "carnal Christian" is like. It's also why true repentance is needed and vital to a believer.

I'm hoping your husband, and you, continue to post. Without that, there isn't much that we can do.

God bless.

FEH,

Thank you all for your posts. I know that he needs to post, but he only uses the internet when he comes over here. I hope will check it tomorrow, we have made plans for him to come over here to have supper with us.
I also as well as our counselor believes that he is in a "pit". I do understand his pain. I have never denied that. Our counselor is also a christain counselor and she told us on Friday that the Devil is keeping him in that pit, even though he is going to church, not with us though.
I do admit that we had gotten away from GOD and that I think what led to our problems. I still hold faith that he will see that I am a good person and I will be good, faithful, and honest to him. He says that he believes me when I say that. He says that he needs time to sort everything out.

Aussie's Wife had a great post too. I did not know about his things until after he knew about my thing. He said that we would work all of these things out because I forgave him for his things. I forgive him and do not regret ever doing this so quick. Yes it bothers me to think that he shared himself with someone else just as it bothers him. I do try not to think about the stuff that I know because it will not do any good to sit and ponder these things. I hope that he remembers that I did forgive him and have not thrown it up to him.
AW, you said that he cannot repair our M until he repairs himself, I think that is what he is doing. I do hope that when he does this, he will come home to me. About a week ago our counselor told us that it can take anywhere from 2months to 5 years(extreme case). He asked me later that night what did I feel about that if it took him 6 months to a year. I told him that I would be here waiting faithfully for him to come home. He said you really mean that, because I really need to believe that. I said yes and I meant it.
I have not had any contact with OM since middle of April and do not intend to. My focus has been on my husband and showing him that I am very remorseful for what I did. And that I can be that wife that he thought I was before and will always be that wife. He says that his image of me that he had for years was broken. but like the other poster said, I hope that he will see that GOD can remove all the flaws and rebuild it into a vessel worthy of His service. (Me and the M).

I want to make something clear also, If I misinterpreted this please excuse me. Aussie's Wife stated that I was still a WW, I am NOT. But thank you for all of your time and posting.

needhelp2 - okay, at the risk of stepping on some toes, let me say that while your counselor's opinion might be right, another opinion might be closer to the truth.

It's "easy" to blame the devil for a lot of things, but imho staying in the "pit" is a "self doing," not a "devil doing."

You see, for believers the PROMISE of God is that if you resist the devil, he WILL flee. The reason is that we don't resist on our own, we resist with God. One of the steps in doing that is humble obedience to God no matter what we are feeling if those feelings might prompt us to disobey God's will.

Can we agree for a minute that in all likelihood, you have both been a little "slack" in the "humble obedience" department?

Whenever we, all of us, take our eyes off of God and make ourselves the "center," our innate human nature can easily take control of our thoughts and actions. The "way" to get out of that is put our eyes back on God and commit to following Him no matter how it seems. The thing to remember here is that God is FAITHFUL and will "make good" on His promises to those who turn to Him. But if we want to "do it our way," He will also let us do that and wait patiently to pick up the pieces when we are through "playing god" ourselves and are ready to submit our lives to Him. That is both the danger and the blessing of the Free Will that God gave us. He wants us to surrender our will to His voluntarily and will not force us to do so.

This is the key thought to remember, because it was the beginning of all sin and remains as the one "big lie" that continues to seek to deceive us, and IS of the devil's doing:

"God didn't REALLY mean what He said, did He?"

How we answer that question is very important, in many ways, not the least of which are God's promises to believers who have experienced the results of willful sin.

Romans 8:29-29 is passage you should both look up and read.

Then read Philippians 4:13

The devil? He is stronger than us, but he's woefully short of God's power. And it's God's power that is available to us IF we want to avail ourselves of it.

God bless.

p.s. You and your husband might find the thread in my sig line to be helpful to each of you too. You might want to read it if you can take some time.

needhelp2 - I think you misunderstood what AW said - she called you a FWW, not a WW. She said *I* am not fooled by WW's pretending to be FWW's - In other words, she said that if I see you as a FWW then you most probably are.

Did you phone Dr Harley?

FH is giving you some excellent advice here.

This


Really is the crux of the issue.

BK,

Thank you for clearing up the misunderstanding, Like I said If I took it wrong then I apologize.
No I did not get a chance last week to call the Harley's, I got tied up with the children back to school and helping in the office here at home. But I do plan to call tomorrow.

Thank you again

Hi needhelp2

I'm sorry you got FF mixed with FWW as in former <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I sometimes forget that all the Acronyms here can be so confusing for a long while.

I do hope your H does really work on his issues as well as you on yours, its just so important. I pray you are both able to eventually work together to build a new M.

Please follow the advice to contact the Harley's, it would also be so good if your H would also do that.

Hope things can improve

with care


AW

AW,

thank you and like I said I misinterpreted the acronyms also. BK also cleared that up as you can see.
I do pray that he sees that we can build a new M and sees that I am sincere and being honest and faithful. I told him the otherday that I would be here waiting on him. He has asked that I not pressure him, I am trying. But after 15yrs of M it is hard to call him and not ask, "hey whatcha doing" or "whatcha do today". It is very hard to not come off as being pushy or sound like I am giving him 20 questions.

He is a good man even though we both have problems personally and together. I do hope that with some time he will work through his problems as well as me and come back to me.

I am praying that GOD gives me the patience and him as well.
Thank you for all the posts and please continue the prayers.

NH2

I'm pretty sure my wife had sex w/ OM and me during the same day. Mostly during thier affair she would not let me go down on her, but I couldn't say for sure that the same thing didn't happen to me. She gave me his herpes as a recurring friendly reminder of thier time together as a bonus.

I don't know how to deal with the thoughts associated with all this. I hope someday to be able to answer your questions. Just know, you aren't alone in this.