Marriage Builders®
Posted By: totallywrecked having a hard time dealing...... - 02/19/08 05:16 AM
Hello. I guess I will start with introuducing myself. I am 32, and my H is 34, we have been together for 10 years, married for 7, we have two kids together, 7 and 4 years old. I have never before had any kinds of worries or doubts about him. He has always been the "poster child" for committed. He has always been totally devoted to me. So needless to say, when I started to get some sixth sense to another woman, that he worked with, it totally rocked my world. I found out about his, very, emotional affair on 2/11. The text messages on his cell phone were undeniable. So I confronted him with it. He broke down and came clean about everything. It had been going on for about two months, and she befriended me, by going out to dinner with us and her boyfriend, on three occations. But all the while hunting my husband down. I was wrecked, to say the least.

So, now he has completely broke things off with her. There are no phone calls, no text messages, and he has has totally recommitted himself to me. So whats my problem?

They work in the same company. So that drives me crazy, even though he tells if he sees her in passing. He has been very good about answering all of questions about what happened. And he says it was only heavy flirting, and innuendo. And they kissed once. I just cannot shake this, though. I have always thought of myself to be pretty, I never have had an issue with self confidence, but now I do. I feel old, shes only 20, and I feel ugly, she is polar opposite of me, she has dark hair, and Asian looking, but I am blond and light skinned. I think that has been hard for me. I am 5'5 and weigh 120 lbs. but I feel fat, even though the realistic side of me says Im not. Its still hard for me to eat, I have seen myself move into an anorexic lifstyle, I just cannot consume more than 400-500 calories a day, I feel sick otherwise. I know that really its not good for me. But I just want to be perfect. I have even looked into getting a boob job, since mine have nursed three children, they DO NOT look the same. I want to be the sexiest thing in him eyes. Than maybe he will never look at her again.

I have tried to get into a therapist, we played phone tag all today, so may be I will get to talk to her tomorrow, and make an appointment. I hope I am not rambling, I am alittle drunk, it seems to be my only comfort right now.

I just want the pain and hurt to go away. I know he loves me, and he was seduced by her, and now he is back on trake with me. But it still consumes me. I never stop thinking about what they said to eachother. The only time I feel really good is when he is with me. I can eat when hes with me, and I can somewhat function when hes around.

PLEASE, help....I am so sad, I just want this pain to go away!
Posted By: cliff Re: having a hard time dealing...... - 02/19/08 11:53 AM
The pain will only ease with time and a lack of appetite is only normal at this point, you are hurting right now and wondering what it is you did to make him do this.
Read everything you can on this website, there is also a great book out "His needs,Her needs" id really recomend. A pro-marriage therapist / counselor is a good step as well. Lastly ill just say , dont go down the alcohol road, I did that for almost 5 years and it doesnt help at all. Just busy yourself with things you enjoy doing with your children, or with friends anything BUT drinking.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Posted By: hurtingbadly Re: having a hard time dealing...... - 02/19/08 04:27 PM
TW: Hello. I am very happy that you found this board. Please keep posting and let me know if you want to talk through email. I felt soooooo alone when I found out about my H's A (about three weeks ago) We have been together 10 years - married 7 with 2 children. His A was with a younger woman also. I have never laid eyes on her and am somewhat grateful about this because then I would be even more crazy than I am now - comparing myself to her. This is all normal but NOT healthy.

Read His Needs Her Needs, Surviving an Affair, talk with your husband and re-connect. I also felt guilty about beginning to meet his sexual needs thinking that I was rewarding his behavior however a very wise woman said I was reclaiming what was already mine.

Stay strong - read and then read some more.
Posted By: totallywrecked Re: having a hard time dealing...... - 02/19/08 05:03 PM
Thanks for the encouraging words. Last night was a hard night for me. I finally talked to the therapist, and she put me on the top of her list for any cancellation that comes through. I know that everything takes time. I just feel like I'm on the brink of nutsville. I am doing crazy things, like going through his stuff, all the time. I even drove over to his ex-bosses house to find out if he could give me any info about what happened between H and OW.

I feel like the relationship with H is stronger than it ever has been, I feel his commitment, and love all the time. I feel very good about us. I do not feel good about what happened, though.

Thanks again, and I will stick around. I so badly need this support.
Posted By: someone_help Re: having a hard time dealing...... - 02/19/08 11:46 PM
I know how you feel . I am going thru the same thing right now and feel fat and boobs not right etc. etc. I want the pain to stop too but I dont know how to make it stop and if you are like me I have feelings of guilt to and I did nothing wrong . I wish I had a magic wand to wish all the pain away I would share it with you because noone should have to feel so bad about themselves that they want to change everything about them so they feel like they are desireable in their mates eyes. A good friend told me that we are who we are and if that is not enough to accept you for you then ask ourselves do really need them in ourlives. Your husband is suppose to love you no matter what .Keep strong and remember there is nothing wrong with you ... You did not cheat he did , you didnt ask for it and he didnt seem to care about your feelings when he made the choice .Stay tuff and read the book the love languages it may help you understand each other better and then you wont have to feel this way ever again . I took a friends advice and I am reading it now and can see things a little clearer than before . Good luck , I hope it works out for you .
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